5 months pregnant and MUST COLD TURKEY OFF BENZOs!! PLEASE HELP!!!

Hi! I have never been to a board like this so please excuse me if I ramble or don't get the lingo or proper etiquette. I am 22 weeks pregnant and have been taking xanax off and on until the end of November. Probably more on. Since November I have taken about 2mg a day.   I am now on 2mg a day and HAVE TO QUIT xanax cold turkey. When I found out I was pregnant in September I immediately went to detox for about 20 vicodin a day and 10mg of xanax a day. They gave me 1 mg of subutex a day for the vicodin and NOTHING AT ALL FOR THE XANAX and I was VERY HONEST ABOUT HOW MUCH I WAS TAKING AND HOW LONG. I checked in on a Wed afternoon and had taken a bunch of xanax that morning and was fine on Wed. Then I was ok on Thurs morning but spent the rest of the day shaking like a leaf and feeling like I was walking on a boat. My head felt like it was trembling inside I could not hold a pen or a fork. I was like that friday too. I kept telling the nurses I was afraid of a seizure but they said I had no orders for anything other than subutex and I had to talk to the Dr. Well, the Dr. only came every morning for about an hour and I did not get to see him Thurs or Fri. I thought this place is going to kill me and I can't believe they are not going to taper me. Then on Saturday FINALLY the doctor!! Yeah!! What was his plan - discharge me with 7 days of subutex. What?! I asked about seizures and all and he seemed distracted and said I would be fine, just have to deal with the withdrawal. They were kicking me out no matter what. No behavior problems or anything. The doctor just said I was ready?! So, then the pharmacy didn't have any Subutex and neither did the other 8 pharmacies in the area. So, I basically had to cold turkey off the vicoden after only 3 and half days of doses (one Wed night, one thurs, one fri and one sat morning). Honestly the subutex must be pretty good because that part was not that hard. I mean I didn't feel great and all kinds of withdrawal but not like the horror stories you hear. THE IMPOSSIBLE PART HAS BEEN THE XANAX! When I got home Saturday afternoon (and remember I just got there on Wed afternoon) I took .5 xanax just because I was afraid of a seizure. I threw out all my vicodin but I kept some xanax because I do have generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder and sometimes it happens when I drive and I have gotten stuck places in the past because I was having a panic attack and had to pull over on the side of the road and wait for hours. Now I have 2 kids, both SEVERELY disabled (one can barely walk or feed himself and the other is not is bad but also requires constant care). I cannot get stuck on the side of the road or stuck at Target because of a panic attack with them in the car, so I kept my supply. I was sooooo good the first month I took .5 most days and often didn't take any. Then I kind of messed up and got up to 2mg a day and then did a bunch of research and found a very good study that said cold turkey off 2 mg a day is generally safe and seizures are rare. They had over 1,000 people in the study who quit cold turkey in that study and there were seizure but it was like under 12 or 20 so I thought just do it. I quit cold turkey for 4 days and it was awful but manageable. I could function but was certainly nervous and did not sleep at all but I was ok. Then of course I slowly started up again because the lack of sleep was killing me with having to take care of my sons. Since the end of November I have been taking 2 mg of xanax a day. I switched to valium about 3 weeks ago because I heard it was a lot less strong and lasted longer and quitting was easier. Well, I was prescribed the xanax but not the valium - my mom's, we just switched. I found out this week that a 10 mg valium is equal to 1mg xanax and I had been taking 2 10mg valium a day so I changed nothing.
I recently went to a site I am a member of for expecting mothers and asked about xanax and benzo and if anyone else was on them (I have already done probably 100 hours of research and there is no link between xanax and birth defects and prior studies that said so have been overturned). I got a huge reaction that the hospital is going to test the babies first stool (meconium) because I came from a detox to the oby/gyne and if they find the benzo they are going to have to call Social Services and they will take my baby. It is mandatory in my state. The meconium test goes back to about 20 weeks pregnant where I am now so I have to QUIT RIGHT NOW, NO LONG TAPERING. I CANNOT HAVE THIS STUFF IN MY SYSTEM. I had a nurse from my state say they would test because I came in admitting I was using and just out of detox (the detox sent all my records too). The first visit the doctor asked if I was still using and I said just a very few time which was true at the time because I was really good that first month. She has not asked since and I have not offered up any information. The IL nurse said based upon all of this they will test the meconium and they can do it without my consent and if the baby is positive it is law that they call the state on me. I am terrified of losing my baby. It is a girl so there is a good chance she will not have the disabilities that my sons do (which caused me to use in the first place because you cannot imagine the stress and demands). I have tried tapering the past few days and I can't seem to do it no matter what is at stake. I get so freaked out and anxious and sick. I did it in detox but I didn't have to take care of two disabled toddlers. So, tomorrow is it. I MUST DO IT OR I WILL LOSE MY BABY. I have thought about confessing to the doctor and seeing if she will kind of approve of my xanax use and say it was medical (because it was!!!) and prescribed (and it was!!!) because xanax can be prescribed to pregnant women under certain circumstances. I called the office today ready to confess and she is gone for the next 3 weeks!!! So, if I try to taper of the next 3 weeks and she says no then they will take the test and I will fail and they will take my baby girl. I am sorry this is so long but I am bawling my eyes out as I write this. I can't wait 3 weeks to see if she will understand that I was never properly tapered (I am still so angry how the detox treated me) and approve the use or say no and then give her even more reason to test because I just confessed to continued use. So I MUST GO COLD TURKEY. I did it in the hospital for 2 and a half days (off 10mg) and then again in like october for 4 days and was ok. And the addiction doctor didn't seem concerned about seizures. And the study reassured me that it was incredible rare at this low dose. I need encouragement, not judgement. Please any advice or stories of quitting cold turkey would help. Please be kind and understand I HAVE TO DO THIS AND HAVE DONE IT BEFORE, but this time seems so much worse and I am really detoxing from valium I guess, not xanax. One of my little men went to the ER today and is in the hospital now and so I am very fragile pregnant and about to go through hell so please, please help and please as many people answer as possible. I am scared to death. Oh, and as far as the vicodin, I have been off that forever. Bye bye vics. Don't miss you!
Thank you anyone who read this long post, I am DESPERATE!!!

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