Here's where I'm at in

[refills]

a dozen words or so. Just to let you know that this will be copied and paste for a few others. Nope, changed my mind, I put it on the main board instead and didn't change one word.... Lately I'm finding words very hard to come by. My anxiety is getting the best of me and I'm lamenting the fact that I'm just not ready for all this right now. I know I'm in a better place to deal with everything but so far away where I want/need to be. Like most people I deal with other people's problems better than my own. The old, 'that's easy for you to say", has never been more true for me than now. I'm fine one minute than BAM I'm completely overwhelmed by anxiety and thoughts from all angles that it stops my breathing. I don't want to scare the newer people to the community about their own recoveries but I know this is all about my unexplainable poor behavior most of my life. Will the truth set me free? I don't know. I really have to get focused like right now or I may lose it all together. Just being honest here. You guys have been there from the beginning of my recovery odyssey and I really need you all right now. I'm not afraid of the fight ahead of me it's more about not getting the chance to fight. My head is racing with guilt feelings and despair. I just hate saying, why me? but the thought is creepy into my head the past couple of days. I could just type in a few false words of bravado but that's just not me. Am I kidding myself that I deserve anything let alone some good fortune right about now?  My head is literally spinning right now as I struggle again for words. I need my gang, my posse, my comrades, my friends to swoop down and rescue me once again. I'm sorry this is not personalized very much but my energy level is also running on empty and it's the only way I can think of to reach all while keeping from dominating the message boards. I tell everyone about the Love in this community and the wonderful people that makes it home for me. They can say what they will about addict and such but no one can take away the kind caring hearts that you all have. I'm blessed to have found you all...ike

[meegWpaw]

hey ike.  everything you're saying sounds like a very normal reaction to a very serious challenge.  i know you have what it takes to meet this challenge!  you're a fighter and we will be right here fighting with you.  i like what vicki said.  do what you need to do to take good care of yourself.

[NeverAgain127]

Hey buddy:

You have every right to experience some bad days.   Let yourself go through them, but try to keep busy. and remember that every new sunrise is a brand new chance to have a different day.  I can't remember; do you go to meetings?  

Slow down and breathe.   Everything is going to be okay...we are all in this big jumbled mess called life TOGETHER, and the anxiety you're experiencing is common to every human being on the planet.    Try not to project into the future...just do what is in front of you on THIS day, and know that you are loved...by your family, friends, recovery community, and most importantly, by God.

You can do this, my friend. You are strong, and have much, much more power than you realize.  

Keeping you in my prayers, hon.  I haven't been on here for a week or so (busy and getting ready to go away for a week...for a much needed and quiet vacation) but I wanted to answer you...xoxoxox

-Robin

[justhefiveofus83]

IM only on day one and feeling everything that you describe. I know its a ling road aho butt being here and able to get it all out really does make it better. I hope you get to feeling better

[katmandu516]

Hey Ike,
God I'm sorry I missed this post, but wasn't on this weekend. I know how afraid you must be, but you will beat this. This is not gonna take you down. Always remember that. Think positive always and know that your friends are here to hold you up when you are feeling down. Medical treatments have come so far and people are responding very well to new technology. You're gonna be ok. You have an army behind you brother....
Kat
XOXO

[spider6]

Hi, I'm in tears for you as I write.  You've got some lovely words of comfort here.  I just want to be part of them. I think about you every day even though I don't post.  I want to take that all away for you.  You will be in m thoughts and prayers n the 17th, along with the rest of your angel posse. Much light and love finding their way to you. (O) x

[refills]

Whoaa and Wow! Thanks to everybody. The caring responses are something to behold. Feeling better today and I'm thinking I'm as ready as ever. Had a particularly bad night a couple of days back. The anxiety has been real high for a while now. Recovery is not a free pass to be be left off the drama list of life. Stuff happens and sometimes it's not all good stuff. My recovery remains at the top of my list. I read Weavers quote by Gandhi, which has been posted here before, "Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional". Why do we do the things to do to ourselves? I just wanted to say Thanks again and let you all know, I'm Back and doing much better....ike