I thought I'd made it

[new2thisAZ]

- and then I didn't. I relapsed today. I went through w/d and my at-home detox 6 days. And then 60 Vicodin fell into my lap. And I took 1. And hid the rest in the house.

How could I think this is a good idea? I had a terrible w/d experience when I went cold turkey, a milder but miserable w/d experience last week - I finally started to see the light and... I popped a pill today. REALLY?!

Does this EVER get easier? I don't want to be dependent. I don't want to be looking for my next fix. So how could I fall so fast?

[new2thisAZ]

Amazing how the universe works.

So, just got emergency calls from work. Due to a crisis, I will need to be overdrive, working 12-16 hour days and juggling 3 people's full-time jobs. Starting tomorrow.

ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I COULD HAVE DONE THIS 2 WEEKS AGO.

Under no delusion - it's going to be hard, but thank GOD I'm pill free. The stress is causing some temptation, but I'm so thankful I'm clear headed I'm not even considering my little white shiny friends.

WOW.

[jewlz2626]

Awesome!! That's how I felt the 1st day I woke up & it was a "good" day for me!! It only motivated me :) There will be more!!! Keep it up :)

[new2thisAZ]

....... .... .......... ..... ... .... O M G.

Is it... ... .... .... ..... ....... .....possible?

Could I.... ... ..... have had.... ..... .... and entire morning, noon, and most of an afternoon....

.... .... .... ... without craving, obsessing, and generally freaking out?

YES!!!!!!!!!

I would love to delude myself to believe this is how it will be from here on out, but I seriously doubt that. But, whatever, for today - it's been good!! And now, while I'm not obsessing, I'm starting to think about pills again..... but I think it's simply because it's my first downtime all day and I sat down for 10 minutes. I can't keep running all the time!!

So, I'm going to try and cool off inside for a few minutes, then maybe go for a swim, give the dogs a bath, and then make dinner. Then maybe a movie... .... ... and to bed. That's the plan!

[ImDONENoMore]

I remember those feelings so well - that feeling at the end of each day knowing I had another day under my belt and it felt GREAT!!

:)

[new2thisAZ]

Woo Hoo. Almost made it through the whole weekend, and wasn't too bad!! Things are looking up again. Half an inkling of energy! Yahoo!

[new2thisAZ]

Today isn't so bad. Been busy - haven't feel like exercising, but working around the house. Actually tolerable to be around, I think - of course, the HubHub is in a terrible mood. But he's allowed once in awhile.

Going to a party this evening, and it's a sober party. (What?! Do they have those?!) All sober friends - so that should be fun and safe, too.

All in all, optimistic. Of course, I'd love to be pill-popping. So, the craving is still there. But seeing some light.