Hopefully it means he’s feeling well... :)
Hoping all is well. You haven't posted in awhile.
hey day good to see you fighting the good fight ...it was around 90 days for me to start to see improvements so you should also start getting better soon...methadone is a monster to kick but in the end it is so so worth it
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>GNARLY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Same here, you've been much help to me. Hope your livin' life..
As you say, "fighting the good fight" and it sure feels like it. I don't know where I read it but 10% per month improvement seems accurate. I think I'm better than a few weeks ago, although I still don't want to be around people... It's certainly nice to have you as a friend who really DOES understand!! Keep on keeping on
I have an elderly mother as well. She was always on my arse about the methadone. At some point I told her and wish I hadn't put that on her. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom which is good. :)
I'm still here. Still clean, still fighting the good fight. Just overwhelmed with hospital visits and stress. My mom will finally be moving to a rehab center for her hip soon. The Surgeon found a 80-90% blockage in her coronary artery and put in a stent to open it up. She's feeling more energetic than she has in years. She's a tough woman. I can't wait to drive her back to her house when this is finally over.
What a wild ride.
I couldn't have done it while using.
Day90
11:40am.
Unfortunately shortly after I wrote my last post, my mother went into full cardiac arrest. I got the phone call at midnight Friday evening and was told they were trying to resuscitate her and that it didn't look good. What followed was 5 hours of pandemonium as life flights were scheduled and subsequently cancelled as they desperately tried to get her stable enough to travel . At the same time that all this was happening the hospital's incoming phone lines had some sort of failure and every time you called it was busy. They could call us with updates but we had no way of reaching them to see how things were going . We were two and a half hours away by car and with them continuing to talk about life lighting her we didn't want to get all the way up there only to find out they had flown her somewhere else. We were forced to stay put, hope for the best, and wait it out.
It was possibly the most emotionally grueling thing that I've ever been through in such a short period of time.
Finally they did life flight her to a large city that had an excellent Heart Center. The new hospital was about 30 minutes away and we raced there to be with her.
When I walked in the Intensive Care Unit and saw her with tubes down her throat, on a ventilator, and pale as a ghost, I really feared for the worst. The room was a blinding mess of various machines whirling and twirling, beeping and blipping. I just stood there, completely stunned, I felt broken...
Over the past 4 days my mother has made a miraculous recovery. It has stunned everyone. She spent one day on the ventilator and then demanded it be removed. The doctors assumed that she had thrown a blood clot from the hip surgery but that has been subsequently ruled out. They're inclined to believe that it may have been a heart attack triggered by stress. My mother is now fully alert and appears to have suffered no permanent damage. The ICU doctors are not allowing my aunt to visit and I'm in full agreement with that decision.
When we're all doped up on opiates we think the world revolves around us and we say and do things that we may live to regret forever.
I am thankful that I had enough clean time under my belt to shoulder this type of Burden and remain Unbroken. The stress of it all has caused some of the withdrawal symptoms to kick back in but I've powered through. I'm so grateful that I'm clean and can deal with these types of situations without feeling the need to use.
And in closing, I want to say that whether you're a good vibes type person or a praying type person, send something out towards my mother Judy in hopes that she's completely out of the woods soon.
Peace and love,
Dave
Day86
5:30pm.
For 15 years my life revolved around opiate use. For the first 60 days of my recovery, life revolved around freeing myself from that usage. But as of late, I'm realizing my life is beginning to revolve around other things. Life is incredibly complicated and immensely diverse and it involves much more than pills, doctor's visits, call ins, and **** tests.
Lately with my mother being hospitalized and me myself feeling better and better everyday, I've thought less and less about the things of old and more and more about what really matters. I can only thank God that I began my recovery when I did and that I was well enough to make the five-hour round-trip to visit with my mother and support her. Just 60 days ago I don't think I could have accomplished these things. There was a time, a few weeks back, when I couldn't even stand for more than 15 minutes without becoming exhausted and nauseated. Remember that? I do...
Tomorrow go back to do more volunteer work. The work is being done at a local Recovery House which is in dire need of the renovation it's receiving. I am certain that I will be able to work 5 strong hard hours. I'll be tired when it's over, I'll be exhausted when it's over , but I'm sure I'll be able to do it. My confidence has grown so much from this small volunteer job. It's been worth every hour I have put in.
Welp, it's been three hours since I started writing this post. I got interrupted by a phone call saying that my elderly mother and her somewhat elderly sister were having a major argument inside my mother's hospital room...
So now I'm certain that all the nurses think we're a bunch of backwoods rednecks. (We are but I didn't want them knowing it)
My aunt, who's rude anyways, is addicted to pain meds prescribed for L4-L5 back surgeries.
Too many pills and she loses touch with any empathy. What follows is snippy rudeness disguised as curt observations.
Not good to be snippy with my mother. This is a woman who escorted the meter reader off her property via a 12 gauge after she witnessed him pepper spray her Dogs.
Anyways, it's so unfortunate that my family is showing its azz but hey, I've been showing mine for 15 yrs...
So there's that'
Gotta get some rest. Everyone have a blessed weekend..
-Dave
Day86
5:30pm.
For 15 years my life revolved around opiate use. For the first 60 days of my recovery, life revolved around freeing myself from that usage. But as of late, I'm realizing my life is beginning to revolve around other things. Life is incredibly complicated and immensely diverse and it involves much more than pills, doctor's visits, call ins, and **** tests.
Lately with my mother being hospitalized and me myself feeling better and better everyday, I've thought less and less about the things of old and more and more about what really matters. I can only thank God that I began my recovery when I did and that I was well enough to make the five-hour round-trip to visit with my mother and support her. Just 60 days ago I don't think I could have accomplished these things. There was a time, a few weeks back, when I couldn't even stand for more than 15 minutes without becoming exhausted and nauseated. Remember that? I do...
Tomorrow go back to do more volunteer work. The work is being done at a local Recovery House which is in dire need of the renovation it's receiving. I am certain that I will be able to work 5 strong hard hours. I'll be tired when it's over, I'll be exhausted when it's over , but I'm sure I'll be able to do it. My confidence has grown so much from this small volunteer job. It's been worth every hour I have put in.
Welp, it's been three hours since I started writing this post. I got interrupted by a phone call saying that my elderly mother and her somewhat elderly sister were having a major argument inside my mother's hospital room...
So now I'm certain that all the nurses think we're a bunch of backwoods rednecks. (We are but I didn't want them knowing it)
My aunt, who's rude anyways, is addicted to pain meds prescribed for L4-L5 back surgeries.
Too many pills and she loses touch with any empathy. What follows is snippy rudeness disguised as curt observations.
Not good to be snippy with my mother. This is a woman who escorted the meter reader off her property via a 12 gauge after she witnessed him pepper spray her Dogs.
Anyways, it's so unfortunate that my family is showing its azz but hey, I've been showing mine for 15 yrs...
So there's that'
Gotta get some rest. Everyone have a blessed weekend..
-Dave
Day83
9:35am.
Very, very busy but doing well. My mother's hospital stay has been trying. For starters, her hospital is 4.5 hrs round trip from me. Secondly, the hospital doesn't seem to know from day to day what the plan is supposed to be.
It is very frustrating to say the least.
My recovery seems to be picking up a bit of momentum as of late. Some mornings I wake up and simply feel...Well, Normal.
My sleep seems to have evened out at about 5 hours a night. Unfortunately, that leaves me feeling that I need more sleep. But I've discovered that it doesn't do any good to try to lie back down and pick up another couple hours. It's simply not to be had and I end up wasting time in bed for nothing.
But, if I'll get on up and get in motion, within an hour or so the sensation of being sleep deprived will evaporate.
All in all I'm very satisfied with where I'm at in my recovery. It hasn't went smoothly or perfectly by any means but I've made progress and the progress I've made is tangible and irrefutable. I am undeniably much better than I was 60 days ago.
It's just so easy to forget how far I've come and concentrate instead on the little things in my life that are still out of focus.
But fear not I am still trudging along making progress and getting better. Hopefully things will calm down soon and I'll be able to post more frequently.
All my best to everyone,
Dave
Day80
2:40 pm.
My Mother underwent successful hip surgery Thursday. She is still in the hospital and has a long rehab ahead but she should be ok.
I worked volunteering again today. 4.5 hrs of hard work in blistering heat. Had the same type of energy fallout towards the end but 4.5hrs of heavy duty work is my best time yet. I'm also feeling more confident and my fear of a complete energy lapse is fading.
On a side note,
Our bank card was "comprised " yesterday and someone in California cleaned out $411 dollars before we could reach India and shut down our card. We are card less until the new one arrives and it will take at least 10 days to refund the disputed charges.
When it rains it pours huh?
But I signed up for life on life's terms and I'm sober so I'm still optimistic.
Here's wishing everyone a great weekend.
-Dave
Day78.
1:00pm.
My mother fell yesterday and broke her hip. She is currently in surgery. Her name is Judy. Please pray for her.
Day76
12:05pm.
Fairly uneventful day today so far. Yesterday I developed a massive headache that lasted the bulk of the day. Today is much better. I still have that sluggish feeling like you have when you've just overcome the flu or some other fairly menacing sickness. But instead of lasting a few days it's lasted several weeks.
Once I'm in motion and on task It seems fine but getting in gear initially is very difficult.
Slothfulness is the word that comes to mind.
Such an ugly word.
I still have faith that things are going to get better.
Some days are just tougher than others. I long for the days when I woke up feeling inspired to create and construct. I miss being creative. It's like that portion of me has been muted. Make no mistake, this withdrawal is a total grind. Super tough and way more complex than id imagined.
My hat is off to all those who've slogged through this muckish journey before me. You're a Dam tough lot.
Don't worry about me though, I will never quit on my stool. If I lose this battle it will be with both fists clenched and swinging for the fences.
I'm just trying to say that it's really tough sometimes.
-Dave
Fellow men in recovery take b12 shots and say it really helps big time -- shoots my anxiety to the stratosphere so I only did one... doesn't bother them though...
It always seems you work the problem. :)
Day74
12:55pm.
I worked hard again yesterday. Almost 4hrs. Mostly finishing drywall but lots of stop and go fixing what other volunteers had done incorrectly. I left fatigued as usual but I took note that the heat seemed to take the most out of me. I was sweating WAY more than anyone else. Granted, I used to sweat profusely for almost no reason so there's that'.
I suppose my system is still confused. I sure wish the overheating issue would stop. When I'd take an 80mg. dose of methadone I'd have to turn the air down and put all the fans on high. It was an issue then and continues to be, albeit to a smaller degree.
My headaches appear to be disappearing. No aspirin Or Tylenol at all today and I just have a tiny, background type headache.
I have to go do a small job at an office complex today. I'm dreading it. The major expenditure of energy yesterday has left me with the predictable energy hangover. I feel exhausted and I haven't done a thing yet.
Still hanging in there though. Still unafraid.
Still resolute.
Everybody have a great Sunday.
Wish I had your wisdom as I too have entered an area unexpected. keep laying down the positive swag.. needed....
Day72.
7:30am
I am still moving forward but I am past the point where any planning prepared me for. I'd planned my escape from this wicked drug very meticulously. I tried to put myself in the best position for success. I treated it more like a prison break than a medical detox.
I knew that the prisoner who only carried a blanket to lay over the razor wire was often caught directly outside the fence. Hence, I tried to plan for every concivable obstacle. I saved up money to help support us while I'd be sick. I tried to mentally prepare for a long protracted battle. I stockpiled o.t.c meds I knew I'd need. I planned and planned and planned..
But many plans didn't survive first contact and I have outlasted the ones that did. It seems that, for this point at least, it will be more about persistence than planning.
I am relying on Faith, Determination and momentum to carry me through this patch of plan-less-ness.
I dont see this as an absolute negative though.
I sort of see the situation like the 120 yr old man saying he's run through his retirement savings. It's an unusual situation for sure but it's also a blessing to have outlasted your best laid plans.
Today I'll be thankful about my blessings and grateful for my longevity.
All is well...
It certainly is two steps forward one step back. Sometimes I too wonder if it's motivation or true lack of energy. Finally getting back won't be an ah hah moment for me unfortunately... I still never feel "right" but sometimes I forget that. It seems little things can be great or really leave me in a funk. Chipped my front tooth which I'd NEVER have felt on methadone. Now I feel it. Kinda sucks. :). kava may help w your headaches - many studies show it the second best natural pain killer next to the poppy.
Day70
6:50pm.
Headaches are getting better but my lack of motivation seems to be increasing. I'm either not feeling good and don't want to do anything or I'm feeling ok but don't want to upset the apple cart. I've got to find a way to keep myself moving no matter what.
I feel better when I move. It just gets tough when week after week the symptoms won't fully relent. I'll survive it but I don't have to like it. I think I'd prefer a full blown battle royale rather than constant potshots from the cheap seats.
I guess I should be grateful that the headaches are subsiding. If I can get them under control a bit more I'll be much happier. I'm already happier than I was when I was on 80 mg of methadone a day. I was an emotional zombie after a few years of that. And like any decent zombie, I didn't even realize I'd become a part of the walking dead. I just shuffled around in an emotionally constricted state, all creative horizons obstructed and told myself everything was fine.
Yeah, today my life is definitely better than it was before. It just seems that complaining about today is much easier than a good and proper reflection about how bad things were before.
I need to work on being grateful and I need to stay thankful for the progress I've made.
I'll add it to the 2-do list...
Good to see improvement... sleep seems to be such a challenge. It's not just the lack of it but the solitude it brings.