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[confused456]

Not sure if I have anything important to say, but I am gonna blab away anyways. I have come to realize more and more about myself in the past few weeks and I am not sure what to think about it all. Its day 19, and I just started a bunch of Aminos yesterday. Last night, I felt like dying. I still feel pretty crappy physically today, and now my lower back is KILLING me, but to be honest, I am pretty sure that is because it's time for my monthly "friend" to come for her weekly visit. That always causes back pain for me. I have been wanting to post about what I have learned about myself, but I am one big chicken-$h*t. Well, don't really know what else to say, so guess that's it.

[confused456]

Hello again. I folded and put away the laundry, and still doing more. YUCK! At least I'm gonna have clean bedding again!! My daughter came home crying so I had to hold her and talk to her about her "problem." I have learned several things. I am not proud with the things that I have learned and have been thinking of posting on it for about a week now, but haven't had the guts. I have learned that I have been lying to myself. I did not realize or want to realize the extent of my addiction. As I stated, I had never taken more pills than prescribed, but I would sell them when I needed money and then I would buy more when i ran out. Makes sense, right?!?! I realized when I had to buy them, I would lie to hubby, for instance, we both got 6 per day prescribed, but if I could only buy 8 pills to get through a day, I would tell him that I only got 6, and gave him 3, and kept 5 for myself. I also have realized that the pain I was taking them for is really there, and although it hurts bad, I can handle it without the pills. I was a big bit** while on them, and that is not like me. I have always been a person that speaks her mind and if u don't want the answer, don't ask me the question cuz I will tell u straight up! But, this was a different kind of bitchiness. I was also very depressed from them. I lied to get them. I was not a good person. So, that's part of what I have realized thus far.

[confused456]

This is from the day there was a LOT going on here, so I am bumping this to the top because it took a lot for me to write this and I feel it plays a big part in my recovery. Thanks.

[swtbreezie]

Hang in there I have had back pain for the last couple days too I think it is due to the weather and my friend left so wont be coming around. lol funny I never called her my friend (breezie is laffing)  thanks girl I needed this I am not laffing at you just at what you said.  I felt kinda crappy this morning to and you wonder is it all worth?  YES it is. STAY stong I know you can do it.    We are here if you need us!
hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
swtbreezie

[Firefaery1023]

I feel for you.  I hate the person I was or am on the pills.  I lied and stole to get them.  I stole them from my husband's stash and then would lie to him about going to the doctor or that I wasn't taking any medications.  Most of all I would lie to myself and tell myself that I didn't really have a problem, that my husband had a bigger problem than I had.  I hate myself for the person they have made me and I know the only way to change is to stop.  But my husband the hypocrit gets pissed at me for lieing to him then I catch him in a lie and he tells me that it isn't as bad because he doesn't lie to me all the time.  He does though, I just don't point it out to him everytime he lies to me.  I don't know what to do anymore, I think I should write this in a journal.

[confused456]

Fire.......yes I think you should write in your journal!! I am sorry. I know how you feel and I always had control over the pills cuz I carry them in my purse. I too said my hubby had a bigger prob than me. Now that I have been clean 22 days, I still have his pills and I do monitor what he takes because he is not all the way ready to stop and I do not want him to take more than he is prescribed. If it becomes an issue, well, that will be my next hurdle........thanks for the support!!

[confused456]

By control, I meant that I had them......and could count them and so on, no that I was in control of my addiction....just thought I should add that.