One day at a time..

[mel123emt]

So.. NEVER thought or would admit I was an addict. My realization came the day I found myself sitting in a N/A meeting.. whew. I will not bore anyone with the detaills of how it started, but it went from Darvocet to percocet, to Norco, back to perocet.. and now vicodin. I can say that my addiction was not to the point that i could not get out of bed with them, yet they were ALWAYS my first thouhgt when i woke up, and were constanly in my thoughts all day... Sure, I have an excuse to take them, I injured myself in a very stiupd incident working as a Paramedic. So I am paying the price 4 years later. My injury can never be repaired. So I have been told, you either take pain meds or be in pain.. GREAT..i went from taking 4 a day to 15. i weigh 98 lbs. you do the math. Most people don't understand how i can even function while taking that many. i often wondered how THEY functioned without them.. I often look around me and wonder, why can't I be NORMAL like those people and NOT take drugs. Answer: I can... i CHOOSE not to. well at least i did. I finally leaped.. I sat down with my Pain management Dr (who in my opinion, are just drug pushers, that have a license) that I wanted to go from 120 a month to.. (gritting teeth) 15..gulp. My mind is telling me, this is right.. while my body is telling a much different story.. It knows what hell w/d is...hell. The legs pain, the shortness of breath and pain after walking up one fight of 6 stairs (for me a runner daily of 3 miles, this is not normal) My job has been impacted by this, as well a my new marriage. My husband will never understand...and I do not expect him to. I only need him to be supportive. There have been countless fights over this. He used to lock my pills and give them to me as perscribed...HA... I have found myelf many times, trying to break into that safe.. knowing where the key was.. and basically manulipating my husband. oh, way too easy. I NEVER though I would get to the low of lows.. which I did. buying them off the streets..I think then, it hit me that i was a FULL BLOWN ADDICT. Now what? I have done the w/d MANY times..The first one was the absolute worst. i went from 15 pills a day.. to NONE..sleeping was NOT an option. So here i am today.. trying my best to get through each day.. one day at a time. Sure I do still use them, however I am PROUD that I do not use in the doses i was. Am i an Addict? absolutely. I will ALWAYS be an addict. My fears are daily.. what am i doing to my body..my marriage.my life? I AM THE ONLY THAT CAN CHANGE THIS. And I will...one day at a time.. as long as i have freinds and support, I know this will happen.. Good Luck to everyone who is in the same boat as me.. as long as we have each other.. we can do this..

[miss_tiffany22]

Thank you for sharing your story. what is nice about a place like this is that you can lay it all on the table without fear of judgement, something we can't do in our real lives. here is a place where people understand your struggle. I too  am an addict and am touched by your words and your situation. Please, feel free to talk to me anytime, I am really looking forward to meeting people to share the stuggle with!! Thank you for sharing!!  

[mel123emt]

i think that is what scares me the most.. i think that i can go back to a "normal" dose with no problems..sticking with the normal dose...well your right.. isn't doing ANYTHING just pacifing my addiction..god.. Ineed to stop and walk away.. i do have a pretty strong support system. However the hardest part of having someone who you love try to work with you on your addiction.. well... not as easy as it sounds. Things that i have shared here, wich are pretty minor, he does not know. I'm not comfortable talking to him. HERE I feel safe to express myself... Thank you for your words, I think you gave a few more things to consider..

[worried878]

Another chronic pain patient...since age 26..remember the day it happened and it is now 22 years later....i dont think for me going back to the presribed dose would do anything except stretch my nerves to the limits every day ..and how would 4 lortabs a day help someone like me with a tolerence of much more....i guess this is the reason they are not intended for long term use and chronic pain...most of the population can not stay at 3-4 a day forever and get pain relief...i think it is all or none and i choose none now...well i am not sure that it is even a choice when I hit a certain point and the mental pain of trying to keep my supply up to par to meet my ever growing habit is even possible for someone like me..hate it for me....u r lucky to have ur hubby who cares for u

[mel123emt]

I am doing my best to stay far away from them as possible, however I always tell myself to excise good control and that sometimes does not happen. Yes, there are times that I would love to fall back to my old ways, but I know I can't. I'm not perfect, however asking for help is something that in some ways I am not willing to do. I am better off if everyone leaves me alone..ie..family asking.. how are you..how many have you taken today. some days are worse than others. like today. I have decided not to take any pills. Thy are not within my reach, and it sucks. however, this is MY choice. The w/d does bolw.. but I learn to redirect my feeling of addiction and w/d toward other things..like going for awalk with my dog, or going to have ice cream with my husband!! Those things take my mind off of it. It is a day to day struggle.. I remember getting into a fight with my husband the day before our wedding, because he didn't want me to be "high" at our wedding.. my defense: GOD! I have to wear a 30 pound dress all day and night! my back is gonig to kill me!! Of course, I lost. sort of.. here comes the deception, and lying.. of course my "source" was there. Did I take any? yes. 1. that is it. and I tell ya what.. I would have not known the difference if I took 10. That is the day I truly realized that if I preoccupy myself with other wonderful things in my life, I will put the daily w/d habits out of my mind.. and..so it goes.. i think I was "brain washed" by my drs telling me that I basically just can't function w/o my little pills.. I'm learning that I can.

SFgirll853, YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Together we can do this! stay strong Darling, your almost there..

[JDRMinSD]

I think a lot of people here have or had legitimate pain.  That's the issue.  Many people didn't start off abusing the meds, they just snuck up on us.  

I have back pain and have been able to control it pretty well until this weekend, when I injured it again.  Today is day 36.  I'm just struggling to stick to Ibuprofen 800mg and stretch, etc.  And, it's actually working.  Not as quick or as well as the little evil pills did but well enough for me to still be on day 36.  

I think that over time our bodies will adapt to handling pain without the use of narcotics and I'd rather have a little pain and NOT be taking them than I would the alternative!

Good luck, stay strong...

[lady67]

WoW!  Your story is so much like mine...scary