One day at a time..

[mel123emt]

So.. NEVER thought or would admit I was an addict. My realization came the day I found myself sitting in a N/A meeting.. whew. I will not bore anyone with the detaills of how it started, but it went from Darvocet to percocet, to Norco, back to perocet.. and now vicodin. I can say that my addiction was not to the point that i could not get out of bed with them, yet they were ALWAYS my first thouhgt when i woke up, and were constanly in my thoughts all day... Sure, I have an excuse to take them, I injured myself in a very stiupd incident working as a Paramedic. So I am paying the price 4 years later. My injury can never be repaired. So I have been told, you either take pain meds or be in pain.. GREAT..i went from taking 4 a day to 15. i weigh 98 lbs. you do the math. Most people don't understand how i can even function while taking that many. i often wondered how THEY functioned without them.. I often look around me and wonder, why can't I be NORMAL like those people and NOT take drugs. Answer: I can... i CHOOSE not to. well at least i did. I finally leaped.. I sat down with my Pain management Dr (who in my opinion, are just drug pushers, that have a license) that I wanted to go from 120 a month to.. (gritting teeth) 15..gulp. My mind is telling me, this is right.. while my body is telling a much different story.. It knows what hell w/d is...hell. The legs pain, the shortness of breath and pain after walking up one fight of 6 stairs (for me a runner daily of 3 miles, this is not normal) My job has been impacted by this, as well a my new marriage. My husband will never understand...and I do not expect him to. I only need him to be supportive. There have been countless fights over this. He used to lock my pills and give them to me as perscribed...HA... I have found myelf many times, trying to break into that safe.. knowing where the key was.. and basically manulipating my husband. oh, way too easy. I NEVER though I would get to the low of lows.. which I did. buying them off the streets..I think then, it hit me that i was a FULL BLOWN ADDICT. Now what? I have done the w/d MANY times..The first one was the absolute worst. i went from 15 pills a day.. to NONE..sleeping was NOT an option. So here i am today.. trying my best to get through each day.. one day at a time. Sure I do still use them, however I am PROUD that I do not use in the doses i was. Am i an Addict? absolutely. I will ALWAYS be an addict. My fears are daily.. what am i doing to my body..my marriage.my life? I AM THE ONLY THAT CAN CHANGE THIS. And I will...one day at a time.. as long as i have freinds and support, I know this will happen.. Good Luck to everyone who is in the same boat as me.. as long as we have each other.. we can do this..

[CadillacJack]

Amen.