One day at a time..

[mel123emt]

So.. NEVER thought or would admit I was an addict. My realization came the day I found myself sitting in a N/A meeting.. whew. I will not bore anyone with the detaills of how it started, but it went from Darvocet to percocet, to Norco, back to perocet.. and now vicodin. I can say that my addiction was not to the point that i could not get out of bed with them, yet they were ALWAYS my first thouhgt when i woke up, and were constanly in my thoughts all day... Sure, I have an excuse to take them, I injured myself in a very stiupd incident working as a Paramedic. So I am paying the price 4 years later. My injury can never be repaired. So I have been told, you either take pain meds or be in pain.. GREAT..i went from taking 4 a day to 15. i weigh 98 lbs. you do the math. Most people don't understand how i can even function while taking that many. i often wondered how THEY functioned without them.. I often look around me and wonder, why can't I be NORMAL like those people and NOT take drugs. Answer: I can... i CHOOSE not to. well at least i did. I finally leaped.. I sat down with my Pain management Dr (who in my opinion, are just drug pushers, that have a license) that I wanted to go from 120 a month to.. (gritting teeth) 15..gulp. My mind is telling me, this is right.. while my body is telling a much different story.. It knows what hell w/d is...hell. The legs pain, the shortness of breath and pain after walking up one fight of 6 stairs (for me a runner daily of 3 miles, this is not normal) My job has been impacted by this, as well a my new marriage. My husband will never understand...and I do not expect him to. I only need him to be supportive. There have been countless fights over this. He used to lock my pills and give them to me as perscribed...HA... I have found myelf many times, trying to break into that safe.. knowing where the key was.. and basically manulipating my husband. oh, way too easy. I NEVER though I would get to the low of lows.. which I did. buying them off the streets..I think then, it hit me that i was a FULL BLOWN ADDICT. Now what? I have done the w/d MANY times..The first one was the absolute worst. i went from 15 pills a day.. to NONE..sleeping was NOT an option. So here i am today.. trying my best to get through each day.. one day at a time. Sure I do still use them, however I am PROUD that I do not use in the doses i was. Am i an Addict? absolutely. I will ALWAYS be an addict. My fears are daily.. what am i doing to my body..my marriage.my life? I AM THE ONLY THAT CAN CHANGE THIS. And I will...one day at a time.. as long as i have freinds and support, I know this will happen.. Good Luck to everyone who is in the same boat as me.. as long as we have each other.. we can do this..

[SFgirll853]

Thank you for sharing so much!  I too am a chronic pain "patient" and am on day 3 detox from 100 mg norco a day.  Lets just say its not exactly fun.  Reading your post shook me out of the mental state I was just in.  My husband has my pills... I dont know where, but he has them.  I gave them to him 3 days ago and told him I think I have a problem with these.  You need to take them and I am going to go cold turkey.

Today, my mind was racing with stories I could tell him about my pain, that it was coming back, that my nerves are on fire, etc. etc. They arent.  I have been working hard at becoming pain free through therapy and exercise... and it is actually WORKING!  For us addicts that is good news and bad news.  For 4 years I have had a "reason"to take them.  Now the reason is gone but I still want them.  Great that my back and neck are finally feeling better after years of pain but now I dont get to have my beloved pills.  

What if the pain DOES come back?  Does my husband think I am a druggie?  All the thoughts your posting evoked.   Good news... I am not going to ask my husband... at least not right now.  

Thank you for your post it really helped me... right now.

[addictedme]

Well you"ve come to grips with being an addict,,now your choice is to be an active addict,an addict who is just abstinant (not using) or be a recovering addict.

[mel123emt]

I read your post, and cried.. I often wonder that the effort and energy I put into finding my next pill, I could put into my recovery. i am tired of Dr shopping, and trying to con every dr I can.. I can say, that sure I go through w/d however it isn't as bad some days than others which gives me the hope that i am going in the right directions. alot of it in my mind right now, is habit. i do this out of habit.. I need to break that. as the saying goes.."one is to many, a thousand is never enough... "

Thank you..I need this... I need to gain control of my life.. I am always here for you..

[mel123emt]

I injured my ..God.I can spell it. LOL.. let's see.. it's the soiaze muscle.. there. my failed attempt at spelling. It's the muscle in the lower back that runa around to your groin. My is so bad it will rotate my hip out of place. I have procedures done where they actually burn the nerve ending off.. yep. doesn't work.

I do not think that going back to the way i should take them. i think that's my problem. My hopes are that it will.. but I think that It needs to be a done deal. I worry that what if I injure myself, or ever need pain meds again? As most addicts, i find myself taking them when I don't need them. what to do..what to do? These Dr's "help" enable you.. then when you go to them for help.. well they don't get it.

enemy.. what and how long?

[enemy48]

Hi~
I'm a painkiller addict also.  

Can I ask what is your injury?

Do you think that going from 15 a day to 4 a day over a period of time will give you the relief you need?

If you can take your meds as prescribed and not go back to the abuse, you're rare.

Best Wishes.

[Rose703]

If you can stick to a taper plan it would be easier but still won't be painfree. In my case I knew I could never taper so I went CT off of a very large dose of Oxycontin. It took about 7 days for the physical w/d's to be gone, but once it's over you will feel so much better. Won't it be great to not worry about where you will have to go to get your next pill?

I have legitamite pain as well, but you will be surprised at how much your body will control the pain with something as simple as an Aleve!!

Sleep is always an issue for all of us who quit, but that will get better too. Look on this page on the right hand side and read through the Thomas Recipe which has some excellent advice for some things to help ease the pain.

Lastly, keep posting here!! You will find the kindest people in the world on here!!