months and months of lies

[flyforfish]

Well here goes, I have come to the conclusion that it's time for me to go to rehab. The problem is that my wife thinks I've been clean since January.  We've been on this ride two times already, both times I just rode out the acute withdraws for a week. Then I just feel crazy forever developed an anxiety disorder.  So I start using again and it goes on until I get caught again.  Well its that time again where I've run through all my money destroyed my credit and continually lied to my wife about my addiction she thinks I'm clean and doesn't know where the money is going. I do have a legitimate back injury, but I buy off the street too because the doctor has no idea where my tolerance is. I want so badly to be honest I hate myself,  suicide somtimes seems easier than the truth makes me wish I didn't have anybody who cared about it because it'd already be done,  but I'm a coward. I'm scared my wife will leave me. I'm scared I'll never be OK. What about work? We have EAP and great insurance but I can't lose my job I don't know how any of this works.  What I've been doing won't work it's just a cycle. I'm a firefighter so I could easily be fired for being an addict.  My whole life is upside down, and I don't know what to do?

[flyforfish]

I didn't get caught I confessed out of guilt,  I thought if she somehow knew she would at least appreciate my honesty

[flyforfish]

Well that backfired I told my wife everything on my knees begging her forgiveness,  then she asked me for a divorce. So now what do I do?  I can't believe this is what my life has become.

[Jinx_777]

i would hate to suggest methodone or suboxone for a  norco addiction, but since you haven't been able to stay clean on your own for 10 yrs, it may be an option for a short period of time while you work on aftercare and learn to live a sober life and love it.  you would only need a very small amount.  
you are missing the aftercare part.  the NA or AA meetings,  i understand your concern because of your position, but what good is that position if you are not alive???  you got to get your life back

[flyforfish]

I've never been sober for more than 4 days in a row in 10 years. Granted it wasn't always the same drugs.  But I've finally settled on opiates Norco to be specific. I take 100 to 120mg a day so I know it's not absolutely crazy numbers.  I'm also prescribed xanax xr .5mg twice a day.  For my panic disorder and agoraphobia,  but honestly I don't think the xanax is a problem,  it doesn't get me high or anything,  no euphoria or anything. The pain pills have been going on for about a year and a half. My doctor gives me 30 10/325 Norco a month,  so I basically spend every penny on drugs since in my little place in hell they sell for 8 dollars a pill.  I've been looking to switching to heroin for cost reasons, so I recognize I'm getting worse.  I just don't wanna lose evening.

[Jinx_777]

you have definitely come to a crossroads in your life right now.  
i second everything atthebeach said.  it would help to know what your addiction is and if you are being prescribed the meds that are ruining your life.  either way, the best thing to do is talk openly and honestly to your doctor.   share your shame, fears of your wife leaving and how much you want this to stop.  if they have an ounce of compassion they will help you.  
my heart aches for you.  your pain is palatable in your words.  
i do believe your wife already knows and feels betrayed that you are not honest with her.  i would for sure take a giant step before telling her, going to the doctor.  then when you tell her you can SHOW her that you have already taken steps to stop.  especially if you have never done that in the past.   if you are like many of us, you use, suffer through cold turkey detox and stay clean for awhile, then rinse and repeat.  
you HAVE to do something different this time or your wife will not have the faith in you.  

[atthebeach]

My husband gave me complete control of the money. He received an allowance. He didnt have a bank card, no checks. Accountability is extremely important. He was and is still accountable for his money, time. That is just a normal,  mutual thing for marriage. I don't have huge amounts of money missing with no explanation, gone for hours when no one knows where I am.

Your wife also needs support. Al-anon, nar-anon, counseling, church,
She needs recovery and healing.
If you got clean at home you can do it again. You will have to have alot of support to continue to walk the recovery road.
It is a marathon not a sprint.
Prayers for you and your family,
Keep the faith,
Honesty is a great thing,
Debbie