Have i got a problem w/alcohol-part 2

[ibizan]

there is no such thing as can't quit....its just not ready too.... and won't quit!

[more0then0a0virus]

You are right.

Big part of inner turmoil is caused by conflict between something I should be/my parents and everyone else want me to be and what I want to be/ I am. But I’m not fully ready to abandon all of my wishes. So I try to make some compromise and that`s not possible. That makes me a prisoner in my own mind.

But, to end this cycle, which I`m aware of for a long time, I would have to change all what I am. I would have to change my life completely and adjust myself to thousands of pointless rules, no matter if they r attached to manners or laws... And those rules make me hate this whole world. When I try to accept them, I feel guilty and dirty. Like I`m betraying myself and selling my personality 4 being fake. And that feeling is even stronger than following this cycle.  That`s the price I cannot pay... I want to be what naturally comes to me (and that`s not possible because of materialism and those rules so I`m running away as you said) as long as I don`t hurt anyone directly, except me.  It`s the only way I know how to live. It`s pathetic. I know. But, f*ck... I think I really should see psychiatrist(but I probably won`t). I don`t complicate this situation w/alcohol as much I complicate life. I have my own twisted theories, not about what`s moral/immoral, then what person has/hasn`t a right to do.

[dominosarah]

With all the inner turmoil you are having you are a prisoner.  You want to drink, you dont want to drink....You also want to use some other substance to take the place of alcohol.  You are running from the demons that haunt your life and your dreams.  We have all been there and thank God we made it to the other side.  Some havent been so lucky and have died.  Until you face your demons and your fears this cycle will continue.  I am telling you from 1st hand experience this is a dead end road.  There is no happy ending to substance abuse but there is a happy ending with recovery.........sara

[more0then0a0virus]

No, I can`t see it. Why would I b a prisoner? I think I`m not but I`m willing 2 question that...

[dominosarah]

The answers lie within yourself.....too bad you cant see that right now.  You wouldnt be a prisoner in your own head~~~

[more0then0a0virus]

Yeah, I know I shouldn`t mess around w/drugs... but I˙m not ready 4 changing my whole life. Right now, the most important thing to me  is not drinking. And if that means I`ll rely on some other substance, never mind...

It is my preoccupation. Everything else seems pointless. I wish that it doesn`t, but it does, and I don`t have a strength to fight so much w/myself.

Firstly I have to stop drinking, maybe then I won`t be depressed so often and I`ll find something worth living 4, and then make some new changes. But I don`t know...

I wrote something wrong. 25 g is 700-900kn

[ibizan]

No ur not done yet w/all this..and it is ur true preoccupation in life it seems!