Scared sick

[Jen1967]

Last Wed. a breast surgeon told me I might have cancer and if I do I need to get a masectomy. I found a lump on the outside of my left breast the beginning of this month. I was expecting my period and I just had stopped nursing 2 months ago so I thought it was hormonal. It didn't go away so I called my gyno and she sent me to get an ultrasound. While getting the test they had me immediately go get a mammogram. They found a 2 cm mass and pre-calcifications (as the gyno said) all around it. So I saw a breast surgeon 2 days later and he was very blunt. He said he "didn't like what he saw" and did a needle biopsy right then in the office. I won't know the results until next Wed whether it's cancer or not. I am freaking out - and so is my mother. I have 4 little kids under 9 years old. I am so scared of leaving them. I know that nothing is firm yet but by the way the surgeon talks it doesn't look good. He said that if it's not bc then he will do a lumpectomy but a huge amount of the breast will be taken out. I will also need chemo and/or radiation. If it is bc then I need a masectomy. For 3 days I have been nauseous and can't eat - all I want to do is sleep so I don't have to think about it. My husband was on a business trip while this was happening and I have been here alone with my kids. My mom has been over trying to help take care of us all but she is so upset it's not good for me - I have to tell her it will be ok. The first day after he did the biopsy they never told me to take it easy  when I got home (I did laundry and picked up the baby)  so that night I had to change the bandage by myself and I nearly passed out on the  bathroom floor. I kept getting cold sweats and feeling like I could throw up. That has subsided but I guess it was my mental state controlling my body. My breast is all purple and bruised. I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking of my kids and all the plans we had - they are getting done school soon so that wont be an issue but my husband works so much and he isn't home a whole lot so I will have to depend on friends and family. I feel like I just want to hibernate in my house. I dont want to go out or see anyone. I feel like my body has betrayed me. I nursed all these babies for a year each - I thought that was supposed to cut the bc risk by 10% each. Ha! What a load. The other thing is that 20 years ago I had a lump there and bleeding from the nipple. The breast surgeon I went to - who was apparently one of the best in Philadelphia - took me off the pill and I never had a problem again. But why didnt my gyno tell me to get a mammogram earlier? Was this lump hiding all this time and because of my hormonal shifts and stress (from moving into a new-yet unfinished completely- house) flared it up? I am so crazed with worry. I really needed to let it out. I read Tracy's whole post and found it very informative and the women that responded were just wonderful.

-Jen

[Patti9234]

I had a bilateral mastectomy on May 9.  I attended my 17 year old son's baseball game on the 3rd post op day and my 13 year old daughter's honor's program on the 5th post op day.  I had DCIS in the right breast but opted for a bilateral for peace of mind.  I started reconstruction with the surgery and by the 3rd post op day I was taking Advil for discomfort, except at night.  The first thing I said after surgery was, "Thank God, it is over".  This is before I knew the pathologist's report said there was no invasive cancer (there was a 5-10% chance) and the Sentinel node was clear.  I wasn't going to have negative thoughts.

I waited 3 weeks between the biopsy results and the surgery because I wanted a consultation with a 2nd plastic surgeon.  I did not feel comfortable with the first plastic surgeon I saw and I always go with my intuition.  The wait was the worst.  I was fine until the sun set and I could not wait until morning.  My emotions covered the usual fear, dread, sadness, anger (I have always been health conscious so how could this happen?),
and then thankfulness about my good fortune to have this discovered on a routine mammogram and how fortunate I was to have access to good health care.  I also went out and enjoyed a Big Mac and a real coke, which I would never have done before.

I wish you the best and be optimistic.  I always tell myself that things could be a whole lot worse.  My 13 year old daughter always says, "don't be negative".  She has always been upbeat, positive, happy and full of self-confidence.  I try to be like her.  You will be fine.

[Ray515]

Hi Jen-
I am about your age and was diagnosed just this past March.  Believe me, the not knowing is the worst part about this whole ordeal.  I was extremely nervous until I knew for sure and then I was just plain mad.  The more info I gathered the more in control I felt and the better prepared I was to handle my diagnosis.  If you do have breast cancer, get a copy of the path report and then search the internet for answers.  I dissected every part of my path report and then went to www.breastcancer.org and did a seach for information.  I learned about er-/pr- and her2/neu+ and what that meant for me.  Just a word of caution though.  The first path report you receive might not be complete.  My preliminary report told me that I had DCIS and invasive ductal carcinoma, the grades, and whether the margins were clean or not.  I had to wait an additional two days to find out the hormonal status and the her2 status.  If this all sounds foreign to you don't worry.  The answers are just a click away on the computer.  

If your breast surgeon has told you that he didn't like what he saw, I think you probably need to prepare yourself for breast cancer.  This is not a death sentence and you will get through it like the rest of us.  I just started my chemo and I have handled it well so far.  I have four rounds of Cytoxin and Taxotere and I will be on Herceptin once a week for a year.  The Herceptin is a targeted drug for her2+ cancers and has very few side effects.  I haven't been nauseous at all but am waiting for my hair to fall out at anytime.  I can handle that though and I have some really cute scarves.

Try to do some light excercise.  This will help you both physically and mentally.  And then, if you do have breast cancer, change your thought process from victim to aggressor.  What would you do if a bully threatened your child?  Would you sit back and allow it to happen? NO!  You'd protect him and go after the bully and make sure he NEVER came near your child again.  That is the same way you have to look at cancer.  Go get it and make sure it never comes back again!

I have a 16 year old and a 10 year old and they both know exactly what is going on.  BUT, I have made sure that my attitude around them is upbeat and happy.  When I need to cry I use my husband's shoulder when I know that my kids won't see.  It is important that they see you handle this well. I have promised my 10 year old that when I go to have my head shaved that he can come along and we'll see what I look like with a mohawk.  I figure at first I can laugh about it and then, in my own time I will let myself cry a bit.  Then I'm going to be done.

If I can do this so can you.  Even if you have breast cancer, even if you have positive lymph nodes, even if you have to have a mastectomy (I did), you can get through this.  I wish you good luck on Wednesday.  Regardless of the outcome you will be okay.

[HazelLynn]

Hi, I am sorry you are going through this.  I had a mastectomy two months ago, I also have four children 6, 8,8 and 10 and all through this, they are all I can think about, its so frightening, the thought of the children having to go through it all too.  It has driven me nuts, I have cried hysterically, lost weight like you, in fact you sound just like I was  - but I snapped back to me after the treatment - we are dealing with it and we are going to live longer for having got it sorted, we have to for our children and for ourselves.  I was going to keep off these sites for a while but cannot stop coming back on as we all need support and hopefully to give it too.  It breaks my heart that we are all going through this, but thankfully there is hope.  I am here for you too and pray that all is well.  Keep cuddling those children like I do.
Hazel

[Jen1967]

Hi Tracey,

I'm so glad to hear from you. Your letters really let me know that I'm not alone. But boy, do I feel that way. Thanks for the compliment - that is a picture of Connor my 4 year old at his school. I have a 9 year old boy Alex and a 5 year boy Stephen and I had Ava, my precious baby girl last year -she is 15 months now. I look at them and think - I have to be here for them, I have to be strong. But I don't even want to go out of the house. I am forcing myself to take them out today to the craft store so they can keep creating (they love clay!) My best friend called and left a message yesterday to invite us all to a bar-b-q and I don't even want to talk to her let alone see anyone else but my family. I feel like I need to hibernate. Did you feel like that at first?

You are right knowledge is power-the not knowing is maddening. I feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about it. I am also trying to ween myself off of zoloft. I wanted to before this happened but now I really don't want to be on any drugs that I don't have to be. The nurse that I saw told me that she didn't think it was a good idea now but I only took it for post-partum depression. I guess she thinks I will get more depressed.

I find out on Wed the 28th my diagnosis. I will keep you all updated. I have gotten some  fabulous advice and support - especially from you. Thank you so much sister.

Jen

[frustratedrg]

hi,  sorry to hear youare going through this, but so am i.  i had bc almost 7 yrs ago.  i had a lump which unfortunatly was  breast cancer.  afer every mammo, i seem to need another biopsy for calcification clusters.  i get myself worked up every time and so far every other biopsy has been fine, even the suspisious looking calcifications.  i now face another biopsy on june 16th.  so, once again, i feel like my life could be turned upside down.  i guess we all have to "suck it up".  its hard and i know first hand how hard it is.  i try not to dwell because it doesnt help.  so, im trying really hard this time to worry only if i have to.  good luck to you.  

[traceyz]

Hello Jen,

Okay I will start by saying that you and your little boy are both beautiful!

Yes the mornings were the worst for me to. It's like terror and worry would wake me up in the morning and I could not go back to sleep for anything. Sometimes the mornings are still rough because the first thoughts are WOW this really is not just a bad nighmare, it really is happening to me! But then I have to thank God that I did wake up , so the battle continues and for that I am greatful.

When I was waiting for the results I couldnt eat either and just like you i lost weight in the process. The not knowing makes us CRAZY!! This may sound strange but when you find out I think you are gonna feel better no matter what because knowledge is POWER!

The women on this forum are WONDERFUL! They have taken care of me as they will you. Just know that if you turn out to have breast cancer you are NOT alone!!! There are so many hands reaching out to you. My hand included.

Let me also tell you Jen, I remember when I got diagnosed the FIRST thing the doc told me was that this was NOT my fault. So please dont think that. You did NOT poison yourself!! And again we dont know what your diagnosis is gonna be yet. Once you know you will feel a little more in control of things, knowing is far better than NOT knowing for both mental and physical reasons.

Okay onto the chemo question. I dont think I am a good person to ask about chemo. What I am getting ready to share is what I have gone through, that by NO means will be what your experience. First of all I am er-,pr+,her2+, Stage 2b, my tumor was 3.3 cm and they know I have atleast 1 node involved. I am doing chemo first, then surgery, and finally radiation. Because I am her2+ I will have to have a drug called herceptin once every 3 weeks for A YEAR starting next month. Because I am young like you 40, my doc wants to be agressive in fighting this. She started me out on a dose dense chemo schedule which is a round every other week. Starting in June I will only have four more rounds of another kind of chemo called taxatere.

As for getting sick I cant lie yes I was sick! The first round was the worse for me. But I must tell you Jen I have a REALLY REALLY REALLY sensitive stomach!! The second was better, and the third made me sick but not bad like the first. I get my 4th round on WED so I am keeping a positive mind that it wont be bad. I never threw up but my stomach just hurt really bad I feel tired and achy at times.

Since starting chemo my tumor has shrunk a whole cm. So the verdict is still out on a lumpectomy or mastectomy, but I would just assume rid myself of the offending breast and the other breast because I dont want to be in this place again and I want them to look the same. But I dont know I will figure all that out when the time comes and the docs give me their input. And yes it is just in the one breast not the other.

I know this is all overwhelming and your head will spin, but cha know what Jen when you get your diagnoses the ball is back in your court. Look at it this way if you find out that you have this disease then it is no longer SNEAKING around in your breast. You will KNOW about it, and again knowledge is POWER. Look at getting your results as a way of regaining your power. You are gonna be just fine. I promise.

Your sister,

Tracey