I'm so sorry for all that you and your family are going through. It's heart wrenching. It's hard to give up on your children because at the end of the day, they are yours and you love them. I don't have personal experience in these things so the best I can advise is that the worst thing you can do is nothing. It won't go away on its own. You do need help and I'm surprised to hear that your doctors and therapists aren't treating them aggressively in the form of meds and talk therapy. Medication is a weird thing, because there isn't enough information for each one to tell how people are going to react to them. It's basically trial and error. They're going to have to keep playing with the brands of meds as well as the doage. You can help by keeping a journal of their behavior with each one and how they function daily.
Your boys need help. You need help. So if you feel that you are getting to the point of being overly frustrated and stressed then you are absolutley doing the right thing by seeking help for them outside of the home. You want to save them but you also want to keep the rest of the family healthy. Maybe a special school with 24 hour care is what is needed in order to control the condition.
I wish I could be of more help to you. I wish you and your family the best.
My boys have seen over 5 diffrent Drs from behavior theropist all the way up to sphycoligists ... I have even takeing the oldest to a childrens hospital for develpoment problems i finally was able to take them MHMRA mental health and mental retardation assocation well I think they will work out better b/c inssted of privet practice charging bookoo bucks to medicaid they are state funded and I wont be charged any thing ... we shall see . I found a ODD/CD behavior boarding school but I am not going to use that untill I have explored this LAST option .. the MHMRA told me the boys will be eligable for SSI and they will help with the prossess. I also am trying to find a job that is not part time so I can get into a house that has more room for them to run around and for me to be able to LOCK up things OUT of thier reach LOL I cant believe its taken 3 years for someone to realize that it was not ADHD but something more serious I am also going to get them tested and see if they might be HIGH funtional Autisim or SOMETHING that would explain Y they act the way they do!!!!!!!!!!!!
reading this post it sounds like a lot is going on with the dynamics in the family..spanking is teaching him violence is okay for a start, is he on meds as they do have side effects, you can google to find out more about it, he has an older brother could he have learnt any behavior, what does he see on TV and on the computer? There is more to this ...
I know some kids with autism do display these behaviors - the talking about killing people/violence in particular. Some of them end up having to go in a self-contained classroom part of the day, a few end up having to go to a school that specializes in autism. (for what it's worth, there's no 'real' functioning diagnosis - it's either autism or not... no 'high' or 'low' :) ).
And I second magypops ideas/thoughts - spanking is a big no in our house (because of the concrete thinking of our son with autism - if you hit, I can hit - there is NO differentiation there... plus it leads to more anger), tv/computer/video games need to be a "G" (I'd be pulling anything above that personally), checking any side effects, etc.
I haven't read the above posts but just wanted to ask what meds are your kids on? Some meds act as a double duty. My son ( who has severe ADHD, ODD and tourettes) is on 50mg of vyvanse and .75mg risperidone (.25 in the morning, .5 at night) which is considered an anti psychotic. The riperidone is to handle the aggression and violence that comes with the ODD and help with the tourettes tics.
My son went through stages where he too would talk like that, I am not sure where they get it from. Due to his issues we limited interaction wih guns and shows that promoted violence. I do know though that his school has been amazing and is aware of his diagnosis and works with him.
Have you talked to your school about this or even looked into programs in your community that offers counseling and support for kids like this? We have gone to therapists and social playgourps to help with appropriate social interaction. I am not sure where you live but just try phoning a public health center and start inquiring... It has helped soooo much!
I hope this helps for you...