MY BOYFRIEND WONT LEAVE HIS MOM'S HOUSE

[toplip]

My 28 year old boyfriend of 3 years still lives at home with his mother and refuses to move out. He and I were going to move in together around 1 year after dating. His mother went on disability from work (she was a teacher) around the same time we planned on moving in together and he has opted not move out so he can be there for her. I felt it was ok for him to want to be there for his mother, and decided we could move in together at a later time.

Two years into our relationship I became pregnant with our son, we decided that we really should move in so that we could raise our son together and its because what we had always planned on doing. My boyfriend refused to move in with us when the time came, he instead wanted me and our son to move in with him and his mother. I didnt think this was the best idea, and refused to live with them. He told me that he refuses to leave his mother, the only way he would live with me and our son is if we all lived together.

He somehow feels indebted to his mother because she took really good care of him when he was a child. Although its honourable for him to want to take care of her its not reason for him to not want to leave, because it was her job as his parent to take good care of him. I tell him all the time that he is letting our son miss out on having both parents raise him together because he chooses to live with her and not us, but he points out that its my fault b/c I wont live with him and his mother.

I tell him we would help his mother whenever she needed, its not like we would be relocating, we would still be in the same city and she could call whenever she needs anything. I mean if she was critically ill or something then I would understand, but the majority of her health issues are because
she is an unhealthy and obese woman who doesnt do anything to make herself healthy.
Sometimes I think she makes herself seem sicker so she can ensure her son wont move out.

I love my boyfriend and I don't want our relationship to end over something like this...I just dont know what to do...

[barbararicardi]

That's true! But what if you are sure that he is the one? I know that the best thing for me to do would be to move out but I will miss him a lot. I'm so used to being around him... The problem here is not that he doesn't want to leave his mom, it's our economy issues. Hopefully soon we will be out of there so I won't have to see her face ever again!!

[lemonypips]

I have also been going through this situation recently . I was with my boyfriend for 18months . We split 4 months ago because of  his immaturity , he was practically living in my house not contributing , we never went out because if  we did i ended up paying  because he  needs his money to pay  bills and buy  food  at his mum.s where he lives . So i told him to get out and stay with his mum . He recently contacted me again and said that i was a control freak trying to stops him spending time with his mum etc , but he would forgive me if  i didn't do it again !!  after 2 days of  arguing he finally admitted that he will never leave his mother  because its his duty to take care of  her .  I knew that this was the case  all along and all the other stuff was rubbish ! He is 29 and i feel sad for him that he will never experience a full and happy relationship because of  a misplaced sense of  duty and the inability to stand up and be a man and tell his mum that he is leaving . Men like this never change and women like us  shouldn't have to wait around to be thrown crumbs .

[lemonypips]

I have also been going through this situation recently . I was with my boyfriend for 18months . We split 4 months ago because of  his immaturity , he was practically living in my house not contributing , we never went out because if  we did i ended up paying  because he  needs his money to pay  bills and buy  food  at his mum.s where he lives . So i told him to get out and stay with his mum . He recently contacted me again and said that i was a control freak trying to stops him spending time with his mum etc , but he would forgive me if  i didn't do it again !!  after 2 days of  arguing he finally admitted that he will never leave his mother  because its his duty to take care of  her .  I knew that this was the case  all along and all the other stuff was rubbish ! He is 29 and i feel sad for him that he will never experience a full and happy relationship because of  a misplaced sense of  duty and the inability to stand up and be a man and tell his mum that he is leaving . Men like this never change and women like us  shouldn't have to wait around to be thrown crumbs .

[specialmom]

Well, of course, you have to do what is best for you.  I do think that this current living situation does  not sound best for you though.  Why totally ruin things with his mom?  You two may never recover from it and always have resentment for each other.  Makes family holidays a lot less fun down the road.  :>)  So if you can afford your own small place, awesome.  If you can't use your items and are storing them in a closet at your boyfriend's mom's house, what is the difference of storing them at your moms?  

Ideally you will get to a point to be financially secure and capable of living wherever you wish and afford it on your own and it sounds like you are working to get there.  But for now, you do the best you can.

Think of all your options including another roommate besides your boyfriend to share an apartment with.  He CAN come visit.  I never lived with my now husband before marriage----  we were still really close and saw each other a lot.  I just mention this so that you also know that your options could expand by realizing that you should find a place to be happy living on your own and then incorporate your boyfriend into that scenario.  
good luck

[barbararicardi]

Thanks for the advice. I just think that if I move back home, it will be harder for us to get a place later on. Plus I want a place to call my home and have my own stuff, I even bought some appliances and things when I get a place; going back to my moms won't solve anything cuz my brother, wife, and kid live there too... I thought by moving in with him was going to be great but it hasn't been all that great at all. I can't even use the stuff I buy, its all in our closet. Sometimes I think that if he wasn't in a wheelchair we could easily find a studio in a basement but sadly that's not the case. I love him for who he is and don't care about his disability.  Maybe if I get a place, he'll come with me?

He just started his own computer repair shop and hopefully soon he will start making good money... But as of now I'm seriously thinking about moving out somewhere else.  

[specialmom]

Hi,  my honest opinion?  I'd move back to your mom's or rent a studio and here is why.  I think it is really hard to live with a mother in law or mother of boyfriend.  Two women in a house can be hard.  And it puts a big straing on things.  LOTS of people would get on someone's nerves if they are forced to live together verses if they saw them socially.  

So, if you are serious about your boyfriend as a long term partner, why have a situation now that could create life long bad feelings between his mom and you?  You wouldn't be leaving your boyfriend . . .  he'd still be your boyfriend and you can still visit frequently or stay the night sometimes.  But you'd have your own place and it would make things much better between you and his mom.

So, I agree wtih YOUR mom on this one.  good luck