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Knowing when to walk away
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Knowing when to walk away

Hi, I am new to this forum but struggling for answers right now.  My husband and I have been married for 8 years.  We have a beautiful 4 year old little girl. 3 years ago I discovered that he had an addiction to lortab.  Not to mention that he was a beer drinker (4 or 5 a day).  I did the research and got him on suboxone (October 2008).  He came off the Suboxone in January 2011.  I thought he was doing well, until I discovered a bottle of ultram in his truck.  This is a rx a doctor had given him for knee pain.  I asked him not to get the script filled as it is a slippery slope.  He agreed.  What I found in his truck was actually the second script.  As I looked into things a little more I found out he was back to his old ways.  He was buying lortab from a dealer.  His drinking has increased to 8-12 beers a night.  I asked him to leave.  I am very angry with myself for allowing this, mostly because he was the one that took and picked up our daughter from daycare.  When I asked him if he had thought about the fact that he had put our daughter in danger, he told me that the comment was unfair. REALLY??  He says that he is going to stop everything cold turkey, drinking and the drugs and go to AA.  He promised that he had stopped everything on Saturday so on Tuesday night I showed up to his parents with a drug test in hand.  Prior to the results being ready (5 min) he confessed that he was still taking the Lortab.  The next day he sounded as if maybe he was really starting to withdraw, the next day he sounded a little better, then today he was this happy go lucky guy. RED FLAG!!  My question is what are the chances of him successfully detoxing from everything and actually staying clean?? I have to protect my daughter and our future.  I love him and want to support him but refuse to hurt my child while doing this.  How long should withdrawals last?  How can I know he is in withdrawals and truly trying to get better?  I have begged him to do inpatient rehab but he wants to do it his way.  Any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated.
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Hello and welcome to the forum,

If our opinion can mean anything at all to him, I would definately recommend inpatient care.  It is likely he knows very little about his addiction and how to recover from it.  It is unfortunate, I know, but it does not have to end the marraige.  My wife and I went through the same thing and I know now how hard it was on her.  

I feel great sympathy for you and great concern for him.  If you believe nothing else I can predict the future in the way I understand it.....

He will likely not stop, if is like I was.
He really wants to, if he is like I was.
He loves you very much and likely does this so he can feel normal, if he is like I was.

I tell a lot of people that the most honest and compassionate person you can meet in your life is a recovered substance abuser.  I don't say this selfishly or foolishly.  I will not be the only one to give you advise and sympathy.  You will likely get it from a lot more people with more experience.  The one thing you will notice though is the people on here are two things:

1. Recovered or recovering substance dependant amazing people.
2. You will find all the support you can imagine on here and everyone gives freely the compassion they feel for people just starting this journey.

I wish you the best of luck.  Also read some of the other posts on this forum for more info.  If he insists on doing this without treatment, help him get the things from the Thomas Recipe located on here to help with the withdrawals.  You can find this information under the "health pages" at the top right of this page.
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hi i totally understand what you are going through. i am the wife of a recovering addict. he went into a christian drug and alcohol program at 56 yrs. old. he has now been clean for 17 months. "knowing when to walk away" is a very,very difficult question.
did you husband have any prior abuse issues,before you were married?
my husband was a recovering addict when we got married, he had been clean for 7 yrs. before we got married. i didnt know anything about addiction or that there could be relapse. thought it was done. wrong.........5 yrs into our marriage, things werent adding up right. some money missing, eyes were red alot,falling asleep more,this were also legit because we have our own business, he sometimes did pay people with cash, yes when you drill into a ceiling sheetrock dust gets in your eye, he worked (electrical contractor)
in hot attics, or outside, so yes he could be more tired it was summer. i believed him that is trust. more signs and symptoms a few months later, i asked his old friend, yep sounds like hes using. he confessed. sorry,sorry, wont happen again. this started the revolving door, the addiction insanity train, the roller coaster, he would stop for 6 or so months and then start again. oh yes they can be very good at hiding it, deceiving, covering up,making excuses,lots of lies, i was never really sure. he was a highly functional addict.
so he went to a rehab for 6 months stayed clean for a bit again. so he we are 6 yrs. later. by this point we were married for 7 yrs and had 2 children. he said i want to stop. so he said i will try methadone, i didnt know about it. he said he would do it a short time.well that short time turned into 10 more years. in the beginning fine he looked great, acted fine, wasnt using pills anymore. i would ask oh yea i stopped i didnt know methadone was harder to get off then the pills. so again lies and deceit. i found bottles of methadone, oh they are old.  really? there yesterdays date. oh i just went 1 time. i asked him to leave he wouldnt "i pay the bills" i never worked outside the work . now i have 4 children and have been married 15 yrs, it is amazing how the weeks,turned into months and the months into years. where would i go with 4 children, 2 dogs, 2 cats, disrupt my children lives from school,friends, sports. i tried to keep it all together.i hoped and prayed and trusted the LORD that he would stop. he didnt. he still was denying and lying,things got worse, we fought,he stole and used so much money from the household our finances were a mess, he was also now doing xanax and drinking lots of beer. still very functional, trying to still keep the business together and his habit. something had to give, i tried intervention with family,friends, our pastor, he still denied no problem there. we slept in separate bedrooms. didnt have a marriage. he was always angry, yelling, fighting. we were very broken. i was a mess, dealing with my life, the kids and now my 5th child. i had myself and the kids in therapy. i was ready what took me so long to file for divorce. i was still hoping,trusting,believing he would stop. HE FINALLY LEFT but not until feb'09 this had gone on for oh my LORD 14 yrs. i cant even believe it myself when i say it. it wasnt pure hell for 14 yrs. dont get me wrong but it just wasnt right until the last few years, that was pure hell. when he did finally leave he was worse, he was a mess, he was so stuck in his addiction he was suicidal.he had started a taper from the meth it is very slow and long. not until 1 yr later in feb'10 he went into a chrisitan drug and alcohol program. he went cold turkey from 20mg of methadone,8 mg of xanax and drinking about 12 beers a day. i thought he would die, he went to a detox for 5 days, they called me his bp was 240/125 they thought he would stroke or have a heart attack.i was happy he was going to get clean but i was done. my children were 22,17,11 & 9. he was sick,sick,sick looked like death warmed over, lost 30 lbs. vomiting,diarrhea, couldnt eat for weeks, no sleep for weeks, he stayed in the rehab for 3  months. well i said ok he is getting clean i will put divorce on hold. well by the grace and mercy of our LORD and SAVIOR we are healing and recovering as a family. it isnt easy, i still have some trust issues, but he is clean now for 17 months. our finances are recovering, our children are healing, our marriage is healing, yes there are consquences of all the years of drug abuse and it will take time to heal.
so when is enough,enough,??? when i look back if i would have known, hindsight, that it would last 14 yrs. of course i would have left. i would have gone back to school, had a career and probably been remarried. but i stayed.and just survived.
the whole time GOD didnt fail me my husband did.
you have to make that decision for yourself. he is out of the house now, well you have to give him alternatives. no he wouldnt be through the withdrawals and happy go lucky after 3 days, most likely using again. he needs one on one counseling, support groups, if he doesnt like na/aa there are christian groups, 12 step,celebrate recovery,salvation army,overcomers. he needs to be accountable to you, i took all control of money away from my husband . he has to earn my full trust again, he has to truly want to stop or else it is that vicious cycle. he doesnt have control over it ,it is controlling him. addiction is a monster, a monkey on the back. very hard to shake on their own.
you should go to counseling al-anon, private counseling. you need to take care of yourself and your children. give him some time, put the ball in his court,ask him to go to rehab. if he said he stopped, ask him to urine test again. you can always personal message me if you want. i will pray for you and your family. my heart goes out to you.
pray and ask the LORD to help you,to lead you and guide you.
keep the faith, recvoery is possible
sending hugs and prayers
debbie    
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You know, this half-arsed, "I can do it alone" stage seems to happen to a whole lot of addicts.  Who wants to admit his behavior is out of his control?  Many people do succeed at home detox - time after time after time.    It's only when despair reaches a screaming pitch that they can throw their hands up and say, "Uncle!" and get serious about recovery.  

Addiction is all about loss: loss of self, family, employment, respect, financial security and sometimes even life itself.  Sometimes the best thing a spouse can do is step away and let the addict experience all the negative consequences of his using.  If that experience doesn't happen, it's certain he'll never admit his addiction is bigger than he is.

Trust your gut on the detox thing.  There is no way he only endured one day of discomfort and got sober.  He would not be happy-go-lucky on day three either - month three is more realistic.  The emotional end of detox and recovery can be brutal and last for weeks to months depending on the drug of choice, the dose, and how long it was abused.  Brain chemistry undergoes a whole lot of change during active addiction and it takes time to return to normal.  That's one reason that relapse is so common, particularly when the addict isn't in a recovery program.

You don't have to wait for your husband to take charge of his recovery to begin yours.  Get into some Al-Anon meetings and work on improving your own life.  It's time to get your focus off your husband and onto you so that you are no longer hostage to his addiction.
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Thanks to each of you.
Bubulous-  I do think he truly wants to stop and does love me and our daughter.  I also know that the addiction controls him but I can't get him to see that.  I know an addict does not see reality as a sober one does.  But do I have to just let him hit rock bottom before he does anything about his problem??

Debbie, he did not have an addiction problem before we married that I am aware of.  He did do stuff prior to our even meeting but no addiction that I know of.  I have no idea how you stayed for so long.  I am in the work force, have a college degree and a great job.  So I could support my daughter and I financially.  My husband is an attorney, self employed as well, so I have heard some of the same excuses you have.  And yes he has put us in financial ruins as well and the debt unfortunately is what scares me about leaving.  I want him to get better for himself and for my daughter.  But I think we lost our marriage a couple of years ago.  I know he has to relearn how to live life sober, he's been doing it high for 3 years now.  I just feel that he is out of the house now and I should keep it that way so that it does not confuse our daughter.  But then I think...I took vows for better or worse in sickness and in health.  Am I a horrible person for leaving when he needs me the most?   I know I can't make him get clean...well I can make him detox but I can't make him stay that way.  I am just amazed at the manipulation!!  I have set perimeters on visitation with our daughter, he can see her at his parents and is not allowed to drive her.  He has been agreeable to that so far.  That is the other confusing thing for me ...if we do get a divorce how would I ever know if he is using and endangering her?  I'm just not sure that I can move past it this time.  I was able to the first time but I don't know anymore.

JayBay- I think you are right about so many thinking they can do it on their own.  I seriously think that when they say that they are really saying...I am not willing to go somewhere that I know I will not be able to get my hands on my drugs and alcohol.  They do not want to give up the access you know just in case.  I also agree that he has not detoxed.  He has been doing lortab for 3 years, I have no idea the dosage because he will not say, I know last time it was 7-8 pills a day.  But he has been a beer drinker all his life.  So just the withdrawal from alcohol should be showing.  RIGHT??

Thanks again, I know I am rambaling I just have so many questions and not a lot of answers!
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I don't think it is a requirement to hit rock bottom but I did.  For that reason I cannot tel you how to keep him from doing it.  I can tell you what I wish I did but at the time I wouldn't have done it anyway.  Also I am bipolar which adds another complication to the mixture.  

It will happen.  I don't worry about people who relapse.  There is nothing they can do to stop the recovery now that it has started.  They can do it a few ways.  A lot of people have to hit rock bottom.  (Like in a situation where you wish you could help someone but they won't come to you because they think you are emotionless).

Some people need a "miracle" or climactic event (such as finding a new love or regressing back to where you feel like a kid again)

A lot of people have to give up on life and kill theirself or just think that taking their life would be better than being stuck in this unforgiving complicated world.

I had to experience all three but it is not a requirement.

If they need to feel overwhelming compassion, which will definately help, they can try some of these:

Find a higher power......
In every essense of recovery they come up with these cliche's that are the answer but they don't gear it towards each individual.  They can't because they don't get time to help everyone.  
The first time I actually quit for a year, which was back when I was addicted in 2004 before I became dependant in 2006, the higher power I found was city of angels.  I know that sounds funny but I will explain.  A great story of love will bring on emotions even if you are on pills.  I was on them that day and wanted to quit.  I knew whe I woke up the next morning it would likely be another day of chasing the dragon.  I ran out early and that night couldnt sleep.  I got up and watched that movie and I cried like a baby.  Message: Don't hate the depression, let it in and listen to sad songs or watch a tear jerking movie.

If you have to stay up all night because yu can't sleep make the most out of it as you can.  If you feed the negativity by constantlyy thinking "I'm worthless".  "I wish I could go to sleep".  I will never win this battle", then you will be giving more power to the pill.  If something negative pops in your head change it to a positive:

I hate that I got addicted- "I am greatful that I experienced what true hell is and I am giong to be happier when I beat this than any person in the world."

I am powerless against this- "It is not my fault that I became dependant on this medicine."  "I didn't go in with the intention of becoming addicted.  "The things I have done may have not been perfect but at this moment on this day that I didn't take anything, I am perfect."

I can never be my old self- The person who didn't take a pill that day is your old self.  For that day, even if you are depressed or withdrawaling, the will and unmeasurable compassion it take to not take one is an amazing feet.  If someone tells me they took a pill yesterday but not one today, I would be just as proud of the one day they didn't lose to the demon as I would if they had made it a year.

When he is receptive to it you can print this and show it to him.  Or you can just use some of it as knowledge and turn it into wisdom that you can use on him to give him knowledge.  It will benefit you more, I think, if you take credit for it and I have no problem with that.
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Bless your heart - I've been in your shoes so many times with the same questions.  There really few immediate concrete answers because the situation is so fluid.  

First, you are not a horrible person for standing aside and allowing your husband to feel the consequences of his addiction.  I know it's contrary to everything you ever believed marriage to be, but it's necessary to his recovery.  It's so hard to wrap your mind around the concept that NOT helping really IS helping.  You said it yourself, you can't force him to stay sober.  That is something only he can do and he has to do it for himself and nobody else.  When he really and truly wants his life back, he'll reach out for any help he can get and dam the consequences.

Now, you can do things to speed up that process and you've already begun.  You've restricted access to your daughter.  That is a good and necessary thing for her safety.  It's not that you're trying to harm your husband but rather protect your daughter.  You can and should restrict his access to your wealth. You can still keep the lines of communication open but with boundaries to protect yourself.  Those boundaries are up to you to determine, but make them clear to your husband and stick to them.  Don't make promises (or threats) that you can't keep.  Maybe you'll decide that he can't come back until he goes into rehab.  I'm sure you'll think of more things as time goes on but you see the general direction I'm talking about.  

Your husband has to find his own bottom.  For some, that bottom might look like what most people typically pictur as an addict - the filthy bum dying in the streets.  Bottom is different for everyone.  In your husband's situation, it might be losing his practice.  Maybe losing almost all contact with his family will be enough.  There's just no way to predict what the triggering event will be.  If you decide to try the intervention route, you'll need his parents' support along with a professional interventionist.  That's not something you want to try without professional help.  

Rehab is a terrifying proposition for many reasons.  He already knows how painful detox is but in my opinion, what holds so many back is the idea that they will NEVER EVER be able to get high or have a drink.  That's a huge black hole of a future and it's also why rehab programs and AA stress taking it one day or even one hour at a time.  Nobody can map out his entire future and an addict is no different.  Then there's the whole secrecy thing.  The guilt and shame of addiction are overwhelming and going to rehab means the genie is out of the bottle.  OMG!  Everyone will know I'm and addict and I'll have to deal with the consequences!  The need to keep addiction a secret is terribly strong for an addict, and as I always like to quote gnarly1 in these situations, "Our secrets keep us sick."  Funny thing about that - most everyone in the addict's life already knows he's an addict so there really is no secret to keep, except in the addict's own mind.

Really, you're doing remarkably well.  Try to keep your actions focused on what is best for you and your daughter.  As long as you never forget that you can't stop his using you'll both come through this with fewer battle scars.
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I just had to comment. Debbie, I feel like you read my mind and wrote my life even down to the pets. I only have one child though. I cant imagine u having to go thru this with more.Only difference is I've been married 22 yrs and going thru this life of hell 14 years.I have prayed so much that I'm sure God is about to get tired of listening to me
cry. I try not to beat myself up for putting my son thru all this. He is 18 now and I wish I would have left when he was very young, but I'm a firm believer that the Lord can fix anything and I couldn't lose faith or hope. My therapist even told me that she couldn't believe I could still find hope. Im afraid my marriage may soon b over, i just dont think i can take much more. My heart goes out to you and nothappy40. God bless u both and your children. My prayers r with u both and anyone living this horrible nightmare.
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I just had to comment. Debbie, I feel like you read my mind and wrote my life even down to the pets. I only have one child though. I cant imagine u having to go thru this with more.Only difference is I've been married 22 yrs and going thru this life of hell 14 years.I have prayed so much that I'm sure God is about to get tired of listening to me
cry. I try not to beat myself up for putting my son thru all this. He is 18 now and I wish I would have left when he was very young, but I'm a firm believer that the Lord can fix anything and I couldn't lose faith or hope. My therapist even told me that she couldn't believe I could still find hope. Im afraid my marriage may soon b over, i just dont think i can take much more. My heart goes out to you and nothappy40. God bless u both and your children. My prayers r with u both and anyone living this horrible nightmare.
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Sorry pple accidentally hit post twice.
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I am the wife of an addict, he has been addicted to percocet & xanax for 11 years. We have been separated for a month now & have been married for 22 years. This is the hardest thing i have ever been through but my advice is take care of yourself & your little girl, i put my children through alot of pain the past 11 years thinking my husband would stay clean only to relapse time after time. Withdrawls are horrible & if your husband will go detox it helps them through the rough part. My husband had multiple seizures & ended up in ICU numerous times, we have called 911 probably 6 times just this year. The one thing i have learned from all of this & its been most recently is that there is nothing that i can do to "save" him, he has to hit rock bottom & save himself, he cannot do it just for me or our children, he has to want it for himself. I just started going to Christian Family recovery meetings & it really is a huge help. I realize my denial & how i enabled my husband to stay at home while i supported him & nursed him & always having to be more like his mother than his wife, it has made me sick, i have hyperthyroidism & graves disease due to stress. Your daughter needs one healthy parent & just stay strong & continue to research this for your own sanity, & remember this is not your fault no matter how many times you get the blame. Calling your husband out for being an addict is very hard because he always wants to point the blame your way, i am having to regain alot of self esteem back & really feel good that this was not all in my head like i have been told time & time again. Best of luck & sending prayers your way.
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I can totally relate Numbnhurt. I too have graves disease and finally had to have thyroid ablated. It seems all the stress from my hubbys addiction seems to bring a new autoimmune disease every year. I just keep praying that one day all the he'll will stop. If that's even possible anymore. Prayers and love, sandi
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"always having to be more like his mother than his wife"  Is THAT ever the truth!  We do tend to take on a more parental role where our addict spouses are concerned.  How wrong is that?  That isn't a marriage at all, is it?  And if we don't go so far as to act like a parent, the marriage at the very least degenerates into something more resembling roommates.

You sound like you're on your way to a better life and I applaud you for taking steps to take care of yourself.  It's so weird when you reach the point that you've had enough.  Year after year goes by and nothing changes for the better.  We don't see any way out and everything we try to improve the addict turns to ashes.  When I finally saw the light and took action I was shocked at how easy it was.  When there's nothing left to lose, it IS easy.  When your actions are about you rather than the addict, you've taken the first steps at healing your soul and repairing your life.  Congratulations!
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Question to all

Do you ever stop loving them? If you do still love your (ex)partner how do you walk away when they know all the right things to say trying to keep you?
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When you realize that what they say doesn't match up with what they do, it's very easy.  Actions speak louder than words.
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Hi everyone. I'm a recovering addict myself who is married to an active addict. All of these comments have really hit home. I don't even have quite a year clean yet and yes, I relapsed over and over until I hit rock bottom and turned myself in. But I know I could snap at any time and the stress of living with him complicates things further. Knowing when to walk away is a difficult decision for me. I've been with this man for 29 years. But he's not the man I married. I realize I miss the good times we used to have. Not the daily insults, lies, manipulation, etc. And I know I'm a fool for putting up with it. I've tried intervention. But I can't intervene when he denies there is a problem. Vicodin and booze are a deadly mix. He's like Jekyl and Hyde. I can always tell when he's out of his pills. Then I know when he has them back. I suppose I could turn him in for verbally abusing me, but that's just a "he says-she says" situation. I was happy when I got clean, hopefully for good this time, but my self-esteem is getting lower and lower. Someone mentioned it's like being roomates. Exactly. Thats what we are. More like I'm the servant and he just orders me around. I'm sorry if I'm whining, I just had to tell someone how I feel anonymously. I'm pushing 50 and feel like I don't have a life to look forward to. But I do have a lovely daughter who loves me and is proud of me. And I am proud of her. I feel bad that I wasn't really "me" through my years of addiction, but I don't feel like I was a bad mother at all. Maybe a bit too lenient. No wonder all the kids wanted to stay at my house when they were younger. But he is becoming more violent in nature (my daughter is an adult and in her own place.)  I don't know if any of this makes sense or means anything at all, but you guys are not alone. I've been on both sides of the fence now. I hope all of us find peace and answers~cat                          
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Nice to see you back again and clean!  I am very proud of you!
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Hi I never thought I would be reading my own story from so many others who have been going through the exact same things I have. I just turned 40 and I met my husband when I was 19 yrs old. We dated for 5 years and have been married for 16. We have a son with Autism and other medical problems. My husband is a wonderful Father and loves his child very much.
When my son was 2 my husband went into rehab for addiction to xanaxs. About 7 years ago he had to undergo 3 back surgeries. Soon after He had got addicted to and abused first of all it was oxy's and lortab..then oxy's and morphine. This went on for sometime until I broke into a cabinet he kept locked and found his meds where almost completely gone.
He had taken so much I was shocked he was still alive. He had even admitted to me after going to rehad the second time that one day before Christmas when we went shopping for our son he had taken 20 lortab! Well he went into rehab a second time because I threatened to kick him out of the house. They put him on subutex. He has been on 8mg of subutex 3x a day and 1 mg xanax 3x a day for 3 years now.
From what I understand you are only suppose to be on subutex while detoxing then wean off of it. He says he has to stay on it to manage his pain. So while I work full time and care for our child and act like his parent in the relationship, he sleeps ALL the time and shows no emotion EVER. I finally have realized I am so sick of living my life this way and its just not worth it anymore.
I have been on several anti-depressants, take crying spells all the time and he thinks IM the one with the problem. He says he is not a drug addict..hes a recovering drug addict. There is NO sex..NO intimacy ..NO nothing..although I love him dearly I am tired of being the only responaible adult in this relationship. I am not able financially to leave at this point..but I want to soon..the only thing that really scares me and makes me feel trapped is he tells me if I do leave he will "blow his brains out". I couldnt handle it if this where to happen, but how do you stay when you are so desperately miserable?? I pray for all you ladies on here..as I pray all the time that maybe one day I will be free from this pain.
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Your comments on this thread have been amazing to read. I am going through a situation with my husband (who I only married four months ago) - he is addicted to Ritalin and has recently admitted to snorting it and finishing 30 tablets in two days.

It is completely ruining our marriage yet he continues to shift blame and responsibility.

I have two conflicting motivations - I am young (26), have my whole life ahead of me and a feeling I cannot shake - that he will never change. He has a child from a previous relationship and shifted all of the blame for their breakdown onto her. He has a history of recreational drug use.

My second motivation is to support him and try to be there for him. I feel like leaving now would be giving up.

Your comment about "the concept that NOT helping really IS helping" really struck a chord though, and perhaps a trial separation (or whatever the appropriate label is) would be the best step.

I kind of wish I could look into the future, just this once...

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Just want to say, you people are simply AMAZING....You make the world a better Place !! :)
Pure Gold...flows from your hearts.
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Hey ashRSA,

I just wanted to give you my view of the 'NOT helping really IS helping'. I recently read something that said help the person, not the addict; and that I completely agree with. However, as a recovered addict (6 years clean) I could not have gotten through the process without the support of my family. I saw them as a healthy distraction and a reason to get clean.

It took time and ALOT of patience but we worked together to reach recovery. Recovery can also affect the whole family rather than just the addict. It is an ordeal that effects all. Setting goals and challenges to work towards (milestones) really helped me and my family.

I found this guide which details the steps that can be taken in a road to recovery that I feel you may find useful - http://sobercollege.com/addiction-treatment-phases/road-to-recovery/. Within the first few steps you can see a difference in someone and you may find your relationship grows in strength. But whatever happens, at least you know you gave it your all and fought for it, if that is what you want.
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I'm dealing with pretty much the same thing right now. I married my husband 11 months ago and we've been together 4 years. When we met, I knew he had a long history with opiates. He had just started the methadone program and ended up being on it for 2 years, then switching to suboxone for another year and a half. This April, he tapered himself off of that to get clean. The withdrawals were bad but manageable at home.

In early August, suddenly he was back in full withdrawals...didn't add up. Then I found syringes in his underwear drawer. He admitted to using after about 4 fake stories of varying degrees of use, and I almost left. Started drug testing him every 3-4 days, which he agreed to. Yesterday, he ducked into the bathroom to do the test before I could get there to see him dip the stick. Pretty sure he just dipped it in water, and it didn't work at all. This morning, failed drug test. More excuses.

I KNOW he isn't doing this TO me...but it still hurts!!! So many conflicting feelings, a lot of them coming back to the idea of "I'm not enough" for him to want to quit, for him to be motivated to kick this, etc etc. I know they're irrational thoughts, and I work through them.

All this to say, I understand what you're going through. I researched divorce and knowing when you're ready for it when I found the syringes last month, and one thing stuck out to me, it was the idea that divorce should not be something you do to prove a point, or to get back at your spouse. As in, part of me wanted (and again wants) to leave to show him that his actions have consequences. And for me, that isn't the right reason. If he continues this pattern of lying and using, the decision to separate because I don't want to live this lifestyle will feel a lot better, and I'll know in my own way I gave him a fair chance and support, because I know relapse is common and that it isn't necessarily to feel high, but can be to feel normal.

Praying things improve for all of us.
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