Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
Mother of a heroin addict
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Mother of a heroin addict

I am the mother of a heroin addict. My daughter is 20 yrs. old and just took off from the 6th inpatient treatment center that she's been in. She is in a very big city and I have no idea where she is and her phone is off. I don't even know if she just left with the clothes on her back or if she planned it. The treatment center will not give me any information because she did not sign a release for me. I am scared. I wonder if I will ever see or talk to her again. I desperately want to tell her I love her. I don't want to lose her. I am afraid of what her rock bottom will be. She has already been to jail for possession and is on parole. She has lost two friends to overdose, one of which she found dead. If these haven't been bottom, then what will??? I am scared. I pray all the time and I know that she is in God's hands. What do I do if she calls out of the blue and wants to come home? I don't know if I'm strong enough to say no. Doing nothing feels like giving up. I have two other children (toddlers) to think about. But she is my baby. I have guilt. I wish I could go back and do things differently. I know I didn't cause her addiction and I know I cannot enable her. My heart is just aching. I'm praying for a word or sign to let me know she is okay and by that I mean alive. Not knowing is torture.
95 Comments Post a Comment
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi Gayle and sorry the torment your going through. Your daughter cannot take the pain of not being on this drug. Short of intervention from the authorities all we can do is pray that she will be alright. If she calls and wants to come home, let her at least you will have some control of the situation and get her back for help.
dave
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Avatar_m_tn
Gayle, you might also want to try al-anon or the nar-anon program. Getting with other people in the same situation you're in will do wonders for you. It will help ease at the stress and anxiety you're going through right now. Remember, you have a life also, and your daughter is consuming all of it, every day. I know, i've been in your shoes.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Love from your mom...I support you in everything you choose to do. Keep me in this loop...

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5416308_tn?1409839408
Thank you for responding. It is a comfort to me. My daughter finally called from a pay phone last night and told me she was going to try to get back to the treatment center. She was hinting for me to wire her money so she could find a way back (bus or cab) but I didn't even go there. How could I do that? all trust is gone.  Would she spend it on drugs? I can't take that risk. She got to where she is and I know she can get herself back. But now what? Will they take her back? I don't know. I am so afraid to take her back. Am I enabling her if I do? I have two toddlers and I can't risk her bringing drugs in this house. She's done it before. At the same time I am so afraid to let her go and figure this out on her own. My instincts tell me she is not done using. She seems to have a pattern of leaving treatment centers, using and going back when the money runs out or she has no where else to go. If I let her back here aren't I just cushioning the consequences of her drug use? I don't know what to do. I know that heroin changes you physically and mentally. I know she is not herself. But If I keep doing the same thing over and over and expect different results isn't that insanity? I wish I knew what to do. I just have to pray that God will guide me as each situation presents itself. If anyone has any input or insight, whatever it may be I would like to know.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
If you send her money most likely will be used for drugs. Is there anyway you can go pick her up and drive her to the center?
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I am 3 hours away and I would have to take my toddlers with me. Driving in Chicago in unknown areas seems like I would be putting me and my other children at risk. I wish It were that easy. I wish I could. She wouldn't let me know where she was and seemed more concerned about the money. I can't rescue her. I am so sad about that.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Your a good mother and can tell your heart is broken. Its very sad and takes a big toll on those who care about her. Its tough to stand by and only hope for the best but there is a God who does watch over all the children of the world. Take refuge in your God. If she cant bring you peace, God can.
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5416308_tn?1409839408
Thank you so much I really needed to hear those words. I'm so afraid to do the wrong thing but it's so scary because I don't know what the right thing is. I get so confused. I know God is watching over her. I truly believe that.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
hi Gayle, I am glad she called you at least you know that she is ok.
I am also very glad that you didn't send her money. yes you trying to save her, give her money, letting her to continue living with you, rescuing her  from the consequences of her wrong choices does become insanity. we have to stop the insanity and let them reap the consequences of their wrong choices.
tell her you will support her recovery not her addiction. tell her she isn't welcome at home until she successfully completes an inpatient program.
she has to know that you will not bail her out again from any situation she gets herself into. be strong. we have to let go and let GOD. she needs to know the only option she has is an inpatient program.
I am praying for you and your daughter. I know how hard it is not to live in their addiction. I did it for so many years and I told you how sick I was.
please take care of yourself and your young babies. your older daughter has to learn to take care of herself and do what she needs to do to make herself well. she dug herself into this hole and she needs to dig herself out. she needs to look up, reach up and ask for help from the LORD.
HE can save her and heal her. she needs to want the healing.
hugs,
Debbie
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5416308_tn?1409839408
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and your prayers. I haven't heard from her now in a day and a half after she called. She said she would call me when she got to the treatment center and she hasn't called yet. I am back on this roller coaster of emotions. I'm just praying that she makes it back to the treatment center.
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It's now Tuesday and I haven't heard another word from her. I went to a parents Al-Anon meeting last night it was so very helpful everybody was so supportive and welcoming. I'm okay right now and praying that my beautiful daughter is okay to.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Well sometimes no news is good news.Since she did attend a rehab, she does know she has a problem and realizing the problem exists is 1/2 way there to recovery.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
Good for you gayle. Get to as many meetings as possible. I know they helped bring some sanity to me when I was living in their addictions. We need the support and knowledge that we gain there.
Yes no news is good news.
Keep praying for her. Remember let go and let GOD.
She knows what she needs to do. She will find her way.
Remember there is always hope.....
Keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers....
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5416308_tn?1409839408
Another answered prayer...She called again...she didn't ask for anything and just told me that she does have plans to go back to the same treatment center or find a different on if they won't let her back. I was proud of myself because I didn't do the usual "freak out" on the phone when I heard her voice. I remained calm, told her I loved her with all of my heart and that I cannot do this for her. I told her that she has to want it for herself. I'll be waiting for her to call from a treatment center but I'm not going to lose my mind if she doesn't call tonight. She sounded strong on the phone and I'm going to rest on the fact that I know at this moment she is okay and that God has given me this gift of peace and that He truly loves her. Thank you so much for your responses. They give me more comfort than you know
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This is a very tough situation because honestly (coming from an addict myself) you can't just wait around for her to get it right. There is an amazing book that you might want to read that has pretty much the same set up as you. One kid is an addict, two younger siblings, and parents. It's called Beautiful Boy. It is an amazing book about the fathers journey through his child's addiction. It talks about letting go and how hard it is. I will tell you from an addicts perspective that making her go to treatment wont help. She has to completely want it on her own. Some of the stuff you hear will be tough. You cannot let her run your life and dictate your emotions, you will only damage the people around you.
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She just called me from the treatment center. Another answered prayer. She made it back on her own without any help from me. I'm still wonder if this is all a ploy to get out of getting in trouble with her parole, but either way she is safe right now. Thank the Lord!!!
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Thank you for your comment. I have read that book!! I Cried all the way through it!! What's interesting is that David Sheff has written a new book called "Clean". He was interviewed on the NPR program Fresh Air...(if you google "fresh air interview David Sheff you should be able to find it and listen to it.) I would like to hear what you think about what he says now. The interview made me feel confused but empowered to push my daughter to get into a treatment center whether she wanted to or not.  I haven't read this new book yet, but it sounds like he's been gathering a lot of research and rallying now to change the way America looks at addiction. Let me know your thoughts if you have a chance to listen. Thanks again
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1235186_tn?1339127464
Gayle even if she did go back to avoid backlash from parole that's ok. Whatever means will  still produce the desired results. Her getting and staying clean. Most importantly she is safe and off the streets.
Try to get some sleep tonight. God is working on her. She is starting to get it.
Even if she fakes it til she makes it.
Continued blessings
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Happy Mother's Day to all of the mothers who love their children unconditionally and find the strength to do what hurts in order to help them grow. Being the mother of a heroin addict is very, very painful, but we never give up on our children. We never give up hope no matter how painful the journey may be. We are Mothers.
May God bless us all as Mothers and give us strength
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well just when I thought I was getting strong, going to meetings and doing all the right things and not enabling my daughter...she gets arrested and is now in jail on 2 counts of class 4 possession. I feel like I should be relieved that she is safe, but i'm not, I'm just plain sad. I guess when she was showing some signs of progress I somehow thought "i'm finally getting through" and "this really does work when you let go and take care of yourself". I know my actions will not change her and I know that I cannot control her but I couldn't help but be hopeful when she was starting to make some responsible choices. Now my hopes are crushed and I don't know what the future will hold for her. She is detoxing the hard way in jail and trying to manipulate me into bailing her out (which I won't do!) Now I'm just worried about her mental state. i'm worried that someone will bail her out and she'll kill herself because she knows she's in deep trouble. It is so hard to bear these thoughts of losing her. they won't go away until she is sentenced and there is no chance of her getting out. I'm holding my breath. I'm so very sad.
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If anyone cares she did get bailed out. She continued to use and got a staph infection that gave her right sided endocarditis (inflammation of the heart) which is life threatening. She was in the hospital for a week and they put in a picc line and were planning to move her to a nursing home for 4-6 weeks because this condition has to be treated with iv antibiotics. She took off right after they put the picc line in and I lost it. I thought this was it. I cried my eyes out, called the police and begged them to track her phone. The hospital also called the police. I Spent the night in complete despair. The police did find her and she did go back to the hospital. Now she says she doesn't think she can stay because she can't handle it. She happened to have a court date this morning also and of course she did not bother to let them know what was going on and now there is a warrant for her arrest for failure to appear. I hate this!!! I am in such despair. Now she says she doesn't want me to contact her anymore because of all me meddling. I don't care if she hates me, I just want her to be healed of this!! I will never stop loving her and praying for her. I am hurting terribly. I feel like I have mourned the loss of her a thousand times over and this time seems to have been the worst. I thought for sure she would die. I don't know what she is going to do and I have no say. Maybe I have hit my own rock bottom. I hope someone is listening.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
yes i am here. i am sorry i didn't see you last post in august. i am so sorry that she has continued down this path. it is heartbreaking.
hun you know you have no control over her and that hurts that we cant love them well, go back and change things, put them in our laps and rock them, fix their hurts. of course you will always love her and pray for her that is what we do as mom's. we love our children unconditionally and want the very best for them. we want them healed, whole in body, mind and spirit. i know how much it hurts, i wish i could take that hurt away from you.

have you been taking care of yourself? eating, sleeping, getting to meetings, therapy, talking with a pastor?
i know how it is too let their lives consume yours. i did it too. we get so sick. we have to take care of ourselves through it all. your other children need you well and whole.
if your husband supportive? is he your daughters father? does she have a father figure?
keep talking to us, we are here.
much love, hope, peace and prayers,
debbie
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5416308_tn?1409839408
Thanks for responding. I've been doing the bare minimum to get by lately. I am trying me best to carry on with life. I feel like my heart is bleeding all the time. I am grieving. I am afraid of what lies ahead and it is all too real now the possibility of losing her. I did call the hospital and pushed for her to be put in a locked facility because it now looks like its either that or they have to discharge her and hope she shows up 3 times a say for her antibiotics. She can shoot heroin very easily through this picc line now and I know she will do that of they let her go. I'm hoping too that this warrant will be a safety net if she takes off. I know these are not my issues to figure out but the situation is dire right now and I can't help but try to save her from drowning!! I know I cannot control her but if I can do something to keep her off the streets while she has this condition I have to. Is that wrong??
My husband is being as supportive as he can but he is not her biological father. Her father died of cancer when she was 11 yrs. old. And my husband's relationship with her has been very strained. I have resented him for his lack of compassion at times for her and this addiction, but this time he really seems to be trying to be supportive.
I skipped my parents al anon meeting last Tuesday because that's when all this was going on and I was too distraught. I do have phone numbers but am a little timid about reaching out. I do plan to go this Tuesday.
I'm just so very sad.
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I went to visit her yesterday. Drove three hours to get to the hospital and I get a text from her while I was on my way that they have moved her to a different room and that she will not have her cell or a hospital phone in the room and I will not be able to bring in a lunch for us. I called her and asked what was going on and she said it was over finding cigarettes in the room and that it was no bought deal and we'll talk about it when I got there. I then called the nurses station to find out what was really going on (because I knew she was lying) and they said I that she had revoked the release of information to me and that they could no longer discuss her situation with me. When I got there I confronted her with the fact that it wasn't hard for me to put 2 and 2 together that (after remembering that I thought it was unusual for her to be ordering up food from local restaurants) that she was in fact having heroin delivered to her in the hospital!!!!! She did not deny it but did not want to talk about it or hear what I had to say. She asked me to leave a short time later and I did. This past week now makes sense. She has been way too out of it and I could hardly have a conversation with her on the phone for just taking adivan, she been high on heroin!!!!! When I got home I called her parole officer and let him know what was going on. Today I have been okay. I realized I fell so deep into her illness and have desperately been trying to save her thinking I have some control. I know I don't. I do think its okay that I got involved by calling the police, parole officer and talking with the nurses but I let it consume me and I was living her nightmare. I'm still pretty emotional and sometimes cry at the drop of a hat, but today was an okay day. I have not called the hospital today to check if she's still there. I have hit my bottom and I am getting off this rollacoaster at least for today.
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1855076_tn?1337118903
My heart breaks for you and your daughter.  I will be praying for you both.  Addiction hurts so many.
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5416308_tn?1409839408
I have not called the hospital yet. I have heard via her parole officer and grandmother that she is still there. They are keeping her pretty much under lock and key...no visitors or phone calls whatsoever. I am surprised she has not refused treatment by now.
I did go to my parents al-anon meeting last Tuesday and it helped a great deal. I have been coping better and have a sense of calm that I can only attribute to God.
I had an awakening through all of this...I realized (as it was lovingly pointed out to me by my own Father) that I have been coddling her. Whenever she "crashes", I come in and hold her, cry with her and coach her out of falling deeper into despair. I don't fix her problems but I tell her it's not that bad and that all she needs to do is this, this and that and it will be okay as long as she stops using. I realized that this has not been healthy for me or her. By doing this, I have taken away the consequence of losing her relationship with me while she is using. I can't have it both ways. I cannot "be there" to make her feel well enough to go out and use again.
I have been rehearsing in my mind what to say to her. I am not giving up on her and I never will. I will continue to pray and hope. I am trying to figure out how to tell her that we cannot have a relationship while she is using. I don't want to hurt her and make her feel that I've given up but maybe she needs to realize she is choosing the drug over everything.
If anyone has any suggestions or stories on how they've had to let go I would be grateful.  
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1235186_tn?1339127464
I am not surprised that she is continuing to sabotage her own recovery. she is in such bondage, the chains of addiction have a very tight grip on her. I am glad that you exposed her, it could very well save her life.

i am very proud of you. you have set up boundaries, by doing that you are in control, you are gaining back your power. she was running the show before, manipulating you, she cries, you went.

she got herself into this mess and she needs to understand that your life doesn't revolve around her addiction.
you can tell her that you will support her recovery not her addiction. yes you love her, you cant sit and watch her kill herself any longer. when she is ready to live a sober life you will be there for her.

when my daughter was in active addiction, she wasn't invited to family functions because she always wanted to bring the boyfriend with her and he is the one who introduced her to opiates. she chose not to come because she couldn't bring him. it hurt that she chose him over us, but i know that was the addict deciding not my daughter.

when she caused to much chaos in the house, stole money and jewelry from us, we told her to leave and not come back until she got clean.
this was the second time we had kicked her out.
she went into a Christian recovery program, she just graduated after one year. she is doing awesome. she continue to thank me for believing in her and praying for her even when she couldn't do it herself.

i know how hard it is, i lived with active addiction in my immediate family for 14 years, my husband, older son and daughter all used drugs.
i had to kick them each out at different times. my son 27 has been clean for 4 1/2 years, my husband for 3 years 9 months and my daughter for one year and 2 weeks.
remember there is always hope.......
keep the faith, let go and let GOD
take care of you.
i am so glad you had a revelation and gained some insight into all of this.
our happiness and peace cant be dependent on whether or not the addict (or addicts in my case) in our lives are using or not.
we need to live independent of their addictions. we cant be consumed by their addictions.
you have other children who need a sane mom. you need to have some clarity through all of this.

remember there is always hope for her,
sending prayers,
debbie
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1235186_tn?1339127464
Hey Hun how are you doing? How is your daughter doing?
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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5416308_tn?1409839408
Hi there...thanks for asking. I'm hanging in there. I did get the chance to tell her a couple of weeks ago that I could not have a relationship with her if she continues to use. Of course she said that she doesn't plan on using but there is that all too familiar lack of sincerity in her voice. The hospital returned her phone and I learned from her grandmother that she in now not calling me because she is upset that I have revealed to her parole officer what has been going on. I am okay with that. I have been resisting the temptation to call her. She is set to leave the hospital tomorrow and the endocarditis has been treated and she is well. She will go directly to a treatment center. I have decided to keep my distance and let her figure this out. I know if I am too close I'll just let myself get roped in to the manipulation and lies and I know my weaknesses so this lack of communication with her is okay with me right now. Her birthday is coming up and I will send a card, maybe a new shirt or something, but until the using AND the using behavior (blaming me for her being in trouble with her parole) stops I will try to keep myself at a distance. I'll just keep loving and persevering in prayer for her
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Avatar_f_tn
I feel your pain. I am so sorry. I understand. I cannot offer any comforting sentiments or words of advice since I am going through the same torture with my heroin addicted 18yr old daughter. All I can do is say a prayer for you and your daughter and let you know you are not alone. God bless you and your family.
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Well she did make it to the treatment center but then left five days later. She is staying with someone who is trying to help her get clean. But tonight I got a call from her friend forcing her to talk to me because she's now threatening to leave and use enough to kill herself. Her friend made her talk to me but I couldn't keep her on the phone. I told him to call 911 and have her committed for 72 hous. He threatened her with that and now she says she's fine and that she's just having a hard time. I told him to go ahead and call anyway but I don't think he will. So here I go with my texts (she won't answer the phone) telling her how selfish she is being and what about the people that love and care about her and telling her this is a phase and she'll get through. Here I go crying my eyes out doing all the wrong things. I hate this!! I say I've let go but when there's another crisis I don't know how. Sure I can let go while she's in the hospital or in a safe place but when she's out there a moment away from what could be her last dose I fall apart. I feel like I'm choking.
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she did manage to calm down. she called me last night to apologize and said that she was embarrassed that she acted that way...she said all the right things and I want to believe her but I've heard it all before. I just wish I could handle this better. I'm doing okay today but I did text her first thing this morning to make sure she was okay...she texted back and said she was. I guess it will always be a roller coaster for me, I am getting better at coping and I have to forgive myself for my own meltdowns. At least I don't dwell on this as long and when I do fall apart I put myself back together quicker and easier because I realize my part in perpetuating the drama. This is so hard!!!!
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1235186_tn?1339127464
I am sorry that you are both still on the roller coaster.
I know how hard it is to live outside of their addiction.
you have made some great progress, we relapse too and get caught up again in their dysfunction.

I am glad you picked yourself back up and are feeling better today.
keep working on you, meetings, eating healthy, exercise, treat yourself to massages, keep praying, counsel with your pastor.

we she get violated by her probation officer? was she mandated to treatment by the court?
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5416308_tn?1409839408
I do not think she will be violating her parole. I will say that parole seems to be a joke to me. I have spoken to her parole officer and he does seem to care and seems to have taken a special interest in my daughters well being but there's just not much he can do. He told me before she left the hospital that he had her case reviewed and they still would not violate her parole! I do not understand the purpose of parole anymore! There's so many budget cuts that they are letting low level drug felons out of jail now. On one hand...it really is a medical issue, not a criminal one....but on the other hand jail can be a saving grace for some.

Well her birthday came and went (24th). I have spoken with her since the last meltdown. I've checked on her by texting the guy she's staying with (i'm still weak) and as of her birthday she's been doing okay. She did just turn 21 though and so another concern is alcohol. I did have the nicest, warmest conversation with her that morning and I was and  so thankful for that. I haven't heard from her since but I know her friend will let me know if something is wrong. I was going to wait for her to call me next but I might give in tomorrow (maybe not). Going with the "no news is good news" approach for now.
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Today is a day my 4 yr old has been looking so much forward to...her Halloween party at preschool, but I get a call from Jessica at 6:30 am saying that she's getting on a train for here and could she come over until her Grandma (who lives 1/2 hour away) can pick her up. I knew something was up. She called me the night before last saying she just wanted to talk, she didn't sound high and I don't think she was at the time, but she said she was out for a walk because she had anxiety and she just needed to get out of the house. I started to question her as to where she went and what she did earlier that day and things did not add up. It took me back to when she lived here and she would tell me..."I just need to go for a walk to get my head clear", and it was because she was using. My gut told me the other night that she was using again. The guy she is staying with caught her with a needle last night and they ended up in a big argument and he slapped her and pinned her down...now she's saying he beat her up and she needs a place to go. Her friend was the one who was forthright in letting me know what happened...not her. She didn't tell me any of this...she just acted like she wanted to visit her grandmother...LIE. I choose to believe her friend in regards to the physical altercation...I've been there myself with her. Now she's using this as a tool for manipulating and I told her she cannot come here and told her grandmother to do the same and she did, but now her aunt has come to the "rescue". I don't know what will happen. I told her grandmother to tell her aunt not to pick her up. I am not getting involved beyond that...I am leaving here in a minute to go enjoy my 4 year old daughter's class party. I am not going to let Jessica rob me or her of this moment. Please keep me / us in your prayers and I'll keep continuing to pray for us and everyone out there on this CRAZY ride!!!
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No one has heard from her since this morning, not even her aunt, and she's not answering her phone. I'm not calling her but her aunt has been trying and I'm getting this info via her grandmother. I sent her a text this morning telling her that I love her with all of my heart and that was it... I left it there. I went to my other daughters' party at preschool and was okay but now that things are quiet and no big distractions the pain is setting in again.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
i am glad that you went to your daughters pre-school party. hun I know how hard all of this is. you are doing a great job separating yourself from her and her addiction. you need to be there for your other children and your  husband.

I cant stress enough how important it is to detach from her. I know that you love her with all your heart, if our love could save them that would be all they needed to get out of the throngs of addiction.
when you speak with her just let her know that you love her, want her to be free from the bondage she is in but you cant do it for her.

I hope and pray that everyone in the family gets on board and stops the enabling. it is for her good that she realizes the consequences of her actions.
please know that you aren't alone, please continue with the alanon meetings, please hun take care of you and your family. I continue to pray for your family. please remember that there is always hope
have you counseled with your pastor or a therapist? please get as much outside support as you can.
much love and prayers,
Debbie
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She just called me and told me not to contact her friend anymore and I couldn't understand because she was yelling but she might be on a train here. I don't know what I'll do if she shows up. She told me that her friend did beat her up and that her face was swollen and her chest hurt. I don't know how to be!!!!! Who do I believe????? What do I feel???? Angry??? Sad???? She said she couldn't believe I would think its okay for someone to beat her up and I just yelled over her and reminded her that he did let her leave with her things and that she could go to a treatment center. Of course she said she just used the one time and she doesn't need that. I yelled over her and said "I love you and call me when you get clean". What do I do if she shows up here? What do I do at all. She makes me feel like the worst mother in the world.
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So I texted her now. I told her that I did not think what happened is okay and that it still did not change the fact that she was using and that I did not believe it was only one time. I again told her I loved her and that she cannot control me anymore than I can control her so she should not tell me who to talk to or what to say and I told her I would not be answering my phone anymore. I just need some encouragement.
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Hey, Just wanted to let you know from a recovering addict of heroin that while I was using my mom never let me in her home at all. After the first year she wouldn't even speak to me. And when the rest of my family did the same I finally came to a place where I knew I had to have help. I waited through 5 years of addiction and only lasted 6 months without family. It really woke me up and I thank my family every day that they were strong enough to do that for me. I have been clean almost 7 years and have never been happier:) Ill be praying for you and your daughter!
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Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! I really needed to hear that. I am at that point...I see how I always get sucked in with every crisis and she gets mad and pushes me out because I'm too involved, then ropes me back in with another crisis later. Now I can only hope that her aunt and Grandmother will stop enabling her. I am happy for you that you are clean and have your family..it really warms my heart and gives me hope.  Thank you
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I have not heard from her since Nov. 1. She had a friend pick her up from her grandmothers house on Nov. 2. It has been about a week since anyone has heard anything from her. Her phone is shut off. She has a court date on Nov. 15 (my 40th birthday) in Chicago. I don't think she'll make it. Her parole officer came to meet her at her friends' home in Chicago (where she left from last week and was supposedly coming back to last Tuesday but never showed up). Her parole officer said if he cannot contact her in the next week he's going to file a warrant for her arrest. It doesn't matter because when she doesn't show up for court on Friday, a warrant will be issued then. I've called the local hospitals...nothing. I don't know where she is or if she's even alive. I keep telling myself that this is yet another one of her episodes and that she will eventually surface. I've been through this so many times but every time the consequences seem worse and I wonder if she'll make it through. I wonder how long I will have to live in limbo with the wondering of what happened to my beautiful daughter. What if she died and cannot be identified because she has no id on her? Will I ever get to say Goodbye? Why does it have to be this way? Did she leave the state and decide to live "on the run"?
For some reason God is giving me a sense of peace through all this and I am accepting it. I still get that overwhelming sadness that comes over me from time to time but I am able to keep it together. I've been finding joy in my two little ones and I am just going to ride this wave of peace and calm as long as I can. I hope I can maintain this peace even after she doesn't show up for court or call on my birthday, Please keep me and my daughter in your prayers.
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She did manage to show up for court. I checked online to find out. I rested easy that day because I knew she was okay. Yesterday I got a phone call from a woman who said she has my daughter with her in her home and that she was going to try to help my daughter detox. This woman was very naive about heron and what detoxing from it entails. She wanted me to come over because she said my daughter needed all the support and love she could get. At this point I'm not even sure if my daughter is serious or not. I've tried to help her detox at home and I caught her using on the porch. The trust is gone. I have to see that she is serious before I open up a dialogue with her. Is that wrong or mean? This woman seemed to imply that I was not a good mother and went on to brag about her son. I was pissed off! But I talked to one of my al-anon friends and she helped me to realize that my ego was getting in the way and that this woman was a "beginner". I told this woman that I love my daughter with all of my heart and what I felt comfortable with at this moment was to bring some over-the-counter meds to help with detox and the birthday card and gift she never got because she left the treatment center that I sent it to. I was not ready to speak with my daughter or visit her. I do not want to be manipulated and I want my daughter to see I have set boundaries and that another crisis is her responsibility, not mine. I had already let this take away from my 4 year old daughters last basketball practice because of this phone call.  I don't think I am giving up, on the contrary!!! I am trying harder!!!!
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Hi Gayle. That's my favorite aunts name too. She is from Wisconsin, not far from you in Illinois.   Have you ever read the book or seen the movie "Pay it Forward". I know this will teach & help you. It seems now in these times no family is spared from the horror you are experiencing. My cousin is a Dr & his brother died. ( addict). He had blond hair. My Dr cousin kinda 1/2 seriously is referring to this as the blond gene. Out of the 6 other families 5 other addicts 2 more dead blondes.   I'm praying the rest of your family doesn't needlessly suffer. Keep going to your meetings if they are helping you. We are here for you. Keep posting. Spread your pAin to ease it some. You are remarkable.
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Thanks CRSeaside for your words of encouragement.
It's no surprise, I'm sure, that my daughter took off again. She left a note to the woman trying to help her and said she didn't want to be a burden and she is just not ready to quit. At least she's being honest. I don't know where she is or who she's with once again. These are the times when I really am forced to give it over to The Lord. I chose not to see her when I had the chance because I needed to see she was serious before I opened that door. I guess my instincts were right. I just hope she wants a relationship with me strong enough to stop using. I'll keep persevering in prayer. I love her and I miss her so much.
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continuing to keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.
remember there is always hope.
keep the faith
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Just wondering how you are doing?  It's been almost 3 weeks since you updated.  I just read through your entire thread today....you ARE making great progress!  Hope you are still making your meeting a priority and have given yourself permission to quit keeping track of your daughter's whereabouts.  God knows where she is......and He doesn't have any grandchildren.....let us know how you are doing when you can~
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Thank you for prayers and support. It really does help. Well she went back to this woman's house and she took her in. She said she was going to get clean and she spent thanksgiving with her (I told her she can't come here until she's clean). I told her that I would be willing to help her pay for a doctor/ suboxone as long as she signed a release for me to talk to the dr. She agreed but then I didn't hear from her for a week. Then she calls crying saying she's really ready to get clean and could I pick her up to take her to the ER to see if they could help with the detox. They could not and there is no detox unit anywhere near here. She said she wanted to come home and that she would have a better chance of detoxing here than at the woman's house because there's drinking and she implied other drug use too. I said no. I told her I can't watch her 24/7 and I would end up driving myself crazy looking under cushions on the porch, under rocks outside, etc. thinking she's hiding heroin. I would end up barging in on her in the bathroom if I thought she was in there too long. It just wouldn't work. The trust is GONE. I so much want her to come home but I can't, I know. I gave her phone numbers and I told her if she finds a treatment center that I would take her. She also has a court date in Chicago coming up and said she has no way to get there. I told her I would not take her. Is that wrong??? I feel myself getting sucked back in to her problems. I'm worried if she goes back to Chicago on her own she'll just use and put herself in more danger by being in a bad area. I know these are her choices. I feel like this court date is her responsibility and that she would still be in Chicago to make it if she hadn't left the treatment center there. I don't know. Am I picking and choosing? I feel like taking her to a treatment center is okay but driving hours to Chicago so she won't miss court is enabling. Am I right???? I don't plan on calling her anymore today, I'm just going to put the ball in her court.
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I thought I should mention too that a friend from my Parents Al-Anon group just lost her son right before thanksgiving and it really threw me emotionally, and I 'm sure that is why I have been weak when it comes to my daughter lately. I don't want to lose her and it became too close for comfort the thought of it in seeing my friend have to deal with the loss of her son.
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Hi Gayle....and the saga continues, huh?  You may not like what I'm gonna share...but I'm going to risk it anyhow, ok?

It is understandable that you fear for your daughter's life....especially since another parent in your group lost their child....BUT.....that's the horrible, unfortunate possibilty and tragedy of drug addiction.  Some find a way out....other's are enabled right up to the end.

Detaching.....TOTALLY detaching.... is the best thing you can do right now, imo.  That doesn't "remove your love".....it protects your heart and keeps your daughter from non-stop "playing you".  

You said you would help her pay for a dr/suboxone as long as she signed a release so you could talk to the dr.  She's already DONE that before when she had the life threatening heart condition in the hospital.  She simply "revoked" the release when it suited her purposes.  She was able to smuggle heroin into the hospital and put it in her PICC line....she finally made it to treatment once again, after that experience in the hospital and STILL left treatment.  That makes about 7 times she's split from treatment doesn't it?  Now she has attempted getting you to take her to yet another hospital ()ER...when that didn't work....now she wants treatment again.
I wouldn't give her phone #'s OR drive her myself.  If she really wants to get clean she'll get herself accepted somewhere and STAY there this time.  She isn't taking the privilege of treatment seriously in any way, shape or form.  If she knows you'll do the footwork of getting #'s, drive her there and/or pay for suboxone....why should she do it on her own and stick to it?

It isn't wrong of you not to drive her 3 hrs to Chicago for court.  She can always find a way to get high.... so she can be clever enough to find a way to get to court, too, if it's important to her.  There's this saying I love...."If it's important to us, we'll find a way.  If not, we'll find an excuse".
She's full of excuses....and by constantly texting her and talking to her you are just keeping yourself, and your current family in a state of chaos.
You deserve better.....and your oldest daughter has been using you long enough.  I am ALL FOR YOU....I'm rootin for you......you must really and truly TOTALLY put her in God's hands.  She will continue this insanity if she doesn't have to do ALL of it on her own.  She's proven that by leaving treatment 7 times, using friends and family, getting in domestic situations, blaming other people for her own choices.  As long as ANY of her consequences are "cushioned"....they will not have the affect they need to have to create a desire for change....she will not feel the pain required to free herself of addiction.  (I'm a recovering addict myself, btw)

I'm gonna leave you with one of my favorite poems....called Broken Dreams....please give God ALL the pieces.....totally trust Him with your daughter's life....she's His child....and He loves her with an everlasting love....He knows what she can and cannot endure.

Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
because He was my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.

At last I snatched
them back and cried
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do
you never did let go".

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THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! You don't know how much it means to me that you took the time to share and be honest with me! I really needed that dose of reality and "slap in the face"!!! This is so hard! I read things sometimes and I start to second guess my choices but I know you're right. I was really feeling weak after my friend lost her son and was not in control of my emotions. I knew it too. I can feel her manipulating me all over again too.
Thank you for that beautiful poem!! I will share that with others...maybe in my al-anon group....too beautiful compelling to keep to myself!
God bless you so much for your care. I really do immensely appreciate your honesty!
Thank you
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Gayle, I'm so glad you received those words like my heart intended and also that you liked the poem...I thought you might.  My biggest mistake is giving Him all the broken pieces....and then going back and retrieving them...LOL

A book that is an easy read, a paperback, about 218 pages long that I got off Amazon that you might like is:  "Settng Boundaries with Your Adult Children" by Allison Bottke.  You can read the reviews there, too if you wanna check it out.  
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Well I ordered the book... Wish I'd already read it.
I feel like the biggest fool / idiot / worst mother in the world today. I really screwed up.
She did manage to find a detox facility (not a medical one) that would accept her. She called me at 1:00 AM to tell me and she wanted me to take her and needed to be there by 3:00 pm today. I decided I would take her this one last time only because I already said that I would. Needless to say that after she called, I could not fall asleep and didn't until about 3:30 AM. I had to get up early to take my 4 yr old to art class and meet with my 2 yr olds speech therapist, then get my 4 yr old from class, feed them and take off to pick up Jessica. I was tired. I had texted Jessica that if she had planned on being high that she would have to find another way there. She called me at 12:30 pm to make sure I was still coming and I told her (as I did earlier) that I will be there at 1:30. I even texted her to tell her I was on my way and texted her when I was in the parking lot. I got there a 1: 26 and when she wasn't out right away, I called. She said she needed 5 more min. Well five turned into 10 and so on. I waited in the parking lot with my two other kids in the car for almost 40 MINUTES!!! Why!!! She finally came out with her stuff and it was obvious she was high. By this point I was absolutely fuming!!!!!!! I should have left but I didn't. I hate myself for being so weak!!! I just wanted to get her to the detox place. We had an hour drive ahead of us and I even did a turnaround in the van while I was laying into her that this was ********. Meanwhile my 4 year old is hearing this. I know... I see my part in this chaos!!!! I kept repeating to Jessica that this is why we cannot have a relationship while she's using and I cannot stand to see her high and I never want to see her high again. I pounded into her the total lack of respect for me and her sister and brother and even the detox place (she was going to be late for the appointment) I told her that i was not going to pick her up from there. After this, she'll have to find her own way. She said that I was treating her like a punching bag and that she wished she would have found someone else to take her. We made it there. I refused to stop for her for food or cigarettes. She was mad. She did not want me to come inside but I had to because they needed me to vouch for her income/living status. They said I had to stay 45 min while they medically evaluated her. I reluctantly did. Then they wanted to speak with me "privately" in the next room from Jessica. I just started to VENT!!! Jessica could hear what I was saying and told them she wanted to leave and that this was mistake. The lady had her come in the room and held her hand while she talked to her. She calmed her down. I told Jessica that I was angry at what happened and that I needed to vent. Jessica thought that I had asked to speak with this lady and I explained that I did NOT, and that I was just going to drop her off and leave but she asked to speak to me. Jessica wanted to make it clear that this was HER decision to be there and she was not there because of me. She was very cold to me and would barely hug me goodbye. It hurt so bad!! My heart is broken. I see how I completely contributed to the drama!!! I see FOR SURE that I cannot let her use me. I should say too that I have a suspicion that she's only doing this so she won't have to go to court on Friday and she'll have validation that she was in a treatment center so it won't be held against her. I cried / screamed / beat my chest / wailed all the way home. I am MORE angry with ME!!!!! Now I feel like I've sabatoged everything. I think she'll probably end up taking off and she'll just use today as an excuse to blame me for the failed treatment. I HATE THIS!!! I FEEL LIKE DIEING!!! (I'm okay, but that's how I feel). I was not in control today. I just wanted her to get there. Even if she isn't sincere, I needed to feel okay knowing she's there, but i realize that was for me, not for her, and I don't now, after today I feel WORSE. I ordered the book (Setting Boundries) I wish I would have read it a long time ago. Please, please keep us in your prayers.
I know I failed today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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You aren't the worst mother an idiot OR a fool, Gayle.  Addiction is a family disease.....it affects ALL the lives of those who love that addict.  Many times the ones that love the addict end up sicker than the addict themselves because a substance isn't used to "medicate the pain"....do you know what I mean?  I have a sister than ended up in treatment...and she's not an addict....but she was suicidal by the time she called me.  

If you're like me.....you are learning to set new boundaries by exceeding them.  You have to draw new lines in the sand.  Equip yourself as much as you can about addiction....get frequent support from others that know exactly what you are going thru.  Your two other children and husband need you....and continuing to call and text Jessica is only keeping you sick and s*cked into her cycle of insanity.  She CAN do this without you.  Trust that if you give ALL the broken pieces of your heart to God that He will do things you never imagined possible.

I'm glad you ordered that book.....Jessica has become "your addiction"....your obsession....and the definition of an obsession is "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonale idea or feeling...excessively so".

I will definitely pray for you, Jessica, your 2 and 4 yrs olds as well as your husband.  All the time and energy you give to Jessica who doesn't appreciate your efforts and continues to "play" you....will reap much greater rewards for you by sharing that time and energy with the currently family that DOES appreciate you.

Don't beat yourself up....just continue to learn.....set new boundaries....force yourself to LET GO....and give Jessica to God....nothing you can DO will get her there....she has to get there now on her own.  
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Thank you once again for your encouragement. I am doing so much better today.
I think the experience the other day really opened my eyes to MY part in the craziness. I beat myself up that day but I'm not doing that anymore. I'm choosing to learn from it.
I will continue doing what I CAN do for Jessica which is to pray. I made a prayer book dedicated to her a year or so ago and I have said these prayers and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy (I'm catholic) daily without ceasing since then. That has brought me the most peace through all of this...when I have said these prayers for the day, I know I have mothered her the only way I can and it makes it easier to focus on other things the rest of the day.
I can't wait for the book, I know there will be some good morsels of knowledge for me to draw from. God knows I need it!
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Good for you, Gayle!!!  May peace flood your heart and may you give Him all your broken pieces~
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I figured I'd better write the latest update before it gets too crazy and hard to sort out or remember.
She left treatment with another girl that she met there. She got there on Wednesday and left on Friday. They both came back very late Saturday night and I got a call tonight (Monday) from the treatment center saying that Jessica left on her own with no money, a few clothes stuffed in her back pack and a barely charged cell phone.
The woman who called me told me that Jessica was offered residential treatment and even gave her the option of outpatient here locally. She refused it all. I don't understand why she even bothered going back.
I haven't called her. The first time she left I did send her one text saying that I will always love her and pray that she'll get clean. That was it. I am going to try my best not to text or call her. It's so hard though because I feel like I'm withholding my love.
I get so confused when I tell people that I've told Jessica that we can't have a relationship while she's using and they say "don't give up on her". I am NOT giving up. It feels like there's an invisible line between keeping the line of communication open and closed. When is it okay to answer the phone if she calls? When is it okay to let her back in? I know these sound like stupid questions because it's obvious it's only when she's not using, but I don't know, I keep thinking.."if she calls, I'll just go ahead and answer but I'll just be strong and I won't give in if she asks for anything". I just want to tell her I love her. I hated the way things went the last time I saw her and I just want another chance.
I am scared again. I am crying again. I'll just have to keep reminding myself that she is in Gods hands. It is still so hard to let go.
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I'm powering through. trying to remind myself of my part in the craziness every time I think about calling her or texting her.
It's hard now because of Christmas and we are planning a trip coming up and I'm nervous about leaving town while her whereabouts are unknown but I know I can't put my life on hold and expect the whole family to while she figures everything out.

Clean-in-ks... thank you so much for your wisdom...I hope you realize how much you have helped me. I did share that poem at my parents meeting and it moved a lot of people. Thank you for that. I think of that Poem every time I start to feel weak.

I am learning to let go. The key word now is "learning" but I'm getting there.
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So proud of you Gayle!!  A couple things about your Dec 16th post....
You aren't "withholding your LOVE".....you are withholding your SUPPORT until you SEE recovery in action.  She needs to know that you don't support her current choices and actions....and in her heart....she KNOWS you love her.

Not having a relationship with her while she is using doesn't mean you are giving up on her.  I told someone this the other day....."We (our family) is NOT giving up on him......there's a HUGE difference between "giving up" and being "used up".  At some point we have to put our well being ahead of their sickness.  It doesn't help ANYthing when we repeat the same behavior over and over again expecting different results....that definition of insanity applies to us, too!

You said, "I know these sound like stupid questions because it's obvious it's only when she's not using, but I don't know, I keep thinking.."if she calls, I'll just go ahead and answer but I'll just be strong and I won't give in if she asks for anything".

I can only tell you how my "process" has been (and it is definitely a process we have to go thru)... Every single time in the past that I HAVE questioned myself and "gone ahead and opened the lines of communication"......I got s*cked back in.  I am NOT strong enough to play with fire.  Because I love my addict SO MUCH.....I can't hear his voice or communicate with him without returning to old sick behaviors myself.  He called here yesterday from prison.....a prepaid call.....it about rips your heart out to hang up and not take the call.  He sends emails from prison to me.....I haven't learned NOT to open and read them....but I HAVE learned not to respond to them.

His cycle of desperation is building....he has NEVER been cut off from family in 15 yrs!  This is a first!  But know what?  He NEEDS to go thru this....every stinkin minute of it....to get him where God wants him to be.  He won't surrender or do it differently THIS time either if we just keep "his world in order" and he doesn't feel any pain from his choices.
My husband was great this week at "telling me" you're doing this to yourself....you should just "not" open and read his emails.  Well guess what.....my hubby is the one that answered the phone yesterday and heard the incoming prepaid call......he hung up cause he knew he had to...but it troubled him...ripped his heart out....was VERY difficult to do!
There is a BIG difference between being "mean" and being "tough"...and I find only another human being who has walked in my shoes can accurately advise me about the addicts I love.  If you haven't walked this road....you truly are clueless.  

It's a process, Gayle.....we get better each time we do the next right thing.  Actions are the ONLY thing that show change.  Words are empty...they mean nothing......and your daughter and our loved one KNOW we love them deep in their hearts.  They just won't understand until they are clean and chemical free working a program of recovery WHY we had to do what we are doing right now.  If we don't enable them and keep cushioning the outcomes of their decisions....they will GROW....and they will BLOOM....and oh how precious they will be to themselves and all that love them~  Have a good trip.....and a Merry Christmas....you have a hubby and two other beautiful children to love on...what a blessing THAT is, eh?


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Gayle??  Happy New Year to you!  How was your trip?  And how are you holding up?
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Happy New Year to you too! We went on our trip and it was good! It was a real "get-away". I set aside time in the mornings to pray before everyone else got up and went about my visit just enjoying my family.

I've been good. She has been trying to get to me by texting or calling (not very often, though). She popped in just before Christmas with her boyfriend...caught me off guard but I held strong and told her basically..."no more lies" in so many words and said she needed to get help. I hugged her, told her I loved her and left it at that. We went on our trip...(I did not tell her we were going). She called me on New Years Day with another story...she's been at a "friends" detoxing for the past 3 days. Of course I didn't buy it. I just told her again..."When you're truly ready to stop, you will do what you know you should do to quit and you are capable and strong enough to do it", I told her that I did not want to argue or repeat myself and that I had to hang up and I did. I truly felt okay...I know I did the right thing. Not only do I know I did but I FEEL I did...that's a big change in me!!!

I got the book....I am soaking up every morsel...I can relate so much!!!
What a blessing it was that you recommended it!!! I've already got 2 other people reading it!!  

Thank you so much and God bless you!!
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All I got to say is:  "GOODIE GUM DROPS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL

I'm SO proud of YOU!!!!  And you're reading the book....Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!

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I don't know exactly when it happened, and I know it's from God...I realized a few days ago that I didn't physically feel "twinges" of pain in my heart that I had felt for what seems like years. They went away. My heart feels lighter and I don't worry constantly anymore.
I still allow myself to cry...it happens mostly when I say my prayers for her, but I know that even through my tears, God is teaching me, speaking to me, hearing me and healing me.  
My daughter has done another "pop-in" and has called. I didn't fall apart. I didn't even get very emotional (I didn't let my emotions control me).
I am putting her in God's hands...I talked the talk for so long but now I've put my faith in action not only by giving her to God, but giving MY heart to God. I truly feel His healing. God is good.
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And GOD is good all the time.
I am so happy that you have found some peace and comfort amidst this storm.
please listen to this song by casting crowns,

"Praise YOU in this storm"

it has  ministered to me through the years in very trying times.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw


letting go and letting GOD is what we have to do and it is one of the
hardest things to do. we want to fix it and when we finally realize we
cant we have to surrender it to GOD. the burden and weight that is
lifted off our shoulders and heart is enormous.

thank you for the update.
keep the faith,
remember there is always hope,
continued prayers and encouragement,
Debbie
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What a blessing to read your latest post!!!!!

I'm so proud of you I could "bust my buttons"!!!  hahahaha!

As long as we continue to steep ourselves in things that strengthen us and teach us healthy ways to live with "loving an addict"... whether in recovery OR active addiction.....we will find that rest for our souls and know God's plan is WAY better than ours could EVER BE!!!

Love and abundant hugs to you Gayle~
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Gayle, God IS good. I see you go to meetings too. For me it's the 3rd step that's the hardest to follow. When our daughters are out there, we as parents want to reel them back in, and like it says in the Lois chapter, 1st step, in our Al-anon text book, "turn some screws in their head" to turn this nightmare off. It's so hard to trust God when it's a matter of life and death with our children; but we must. It's all we can do. And like you wrote, when we do trust God it gives us the only comfort we can gather in these hard times.

Today I've turned our daughter over, as hard as it is for me to do. I have noticed today that my knuckles aren't as white as they were on the steering wheel. Let God's will be done.
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I am so thankful to have found this community. It really is true that we are called to bear one another's burdens. We can't do it without God and God has given us the gift of each other. I Thank God for all of you!

-OpenMind24hours..I have been following your thread and you and your daughter  have been in my prayers. God is doing something in all of our lives...even our daughter's. I just pray that what ever road our children take that it will lead them to God and that's all I can do.

God bless all of you
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Thank you for the prayers Gayle, you're in my prayers also. This forum is a true miracle in our lives the God has led us to.
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I am so blessed by your sharing Gayle. Thank you.

I NEED that book you're reading! :)

My son is also a heroine addict... but he uses other drugs as well... anything to get out of his head really. He's been a chronic relapser for a long long time. Been in and out of a couple of programs... in and out of our home. No more of that. This is a tough tough road.

He is to go into an SLE today. hmm... do I feel hopeful? Honestly, not really. I do have hope in what the God is capable of doing, but I don't have a lot of hope in what I see in my son's disposition yet. Still wants to do it "his" way. Still thinks he's "got this," Not sure. We'll see.

We've been on this path with this boy for so long it seems... nine years. I feel like I'm a hundred years old. lol.

I came across this forum looking to "vent" about my son - looking for answers - looking for relief - something... a couple of weeks ago, and I just started reading everyone's testimonies. Wow... what an impact it has had on me. I have seen my own behaviours, my own feelings, pain, suffering, hope, life path, choices, and craziness reflected in so many others. It is so amazing to me how healing that alone can be.

Thank you so very much for sharing both your despair and newly found sense of peace and calm.
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I had a relapse of my own at 3:30 am this morning.
She called me drunk, accused me of abandoning her because I haven't attempted to contact her in two weeks. I should have hung up but I didn't. I let my emotions take over. I ended up in a shouting match with her trying to defend myself explaining to her how I was giving her space and that I was afraid what I would find out if I did call...I know...I'm not making any sense right now...no sleep.
She informed me that she truly did get off of heroin, no thanks to me, and has been clean (from heroin) for 30 days.
She then wanted to tell me how much she loves me though but that she is out of my life. She said she's moving to San Francisco...jumping bail...not worried because she will not be extradited for a measly drug charge. She informed me that she'll be by or send someone here to pick up the last of her possessions.
she gave me the title of a song that she wanted me to hear because it summed up how she feels about me. She reminded me of all the ways I have failed her as a mother, and how my husband has hurt her and how I've chosen my husband over her.
Why I googled it and read the lyrics? I don't know. it's called Waltz #2 by Elliot Smith. I don't even know how to feel or respond to it. It was meant to cut me and hurt me most definitely, and it did..but...it also opened my eyes even wider to see that she is in an altogether different reality. I use the word "reality" because I do believe that this is HER reality, as least right now.
So I've had my sobs...outbursts to myself in the mirror...brief moments of clarity...and more sobs.
So I stopped and said my daily prayers for her. I'm calmer now...just really tired.
I'm not giving up....still going to pray...not getting involved in her choices. I stopped trying to keep track of her including checking for court dates and checking to see if she's shown up for them... it's  hers. With her I am damned if I get involved and damned if I don't.
I don't understand why this is happening...sometimes I'm in complete despair.
I was doing so good...now this   :(
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So I re read my post...sure I want to be okay...say all the right things....do all the right things....I'm sad....I can't lie....I'm not as strong as I thought I was now. MY HEART IS BROKEN AND OBLITERATED AND SMASHED INTO PIECES. I FEEL LIKE A BLUBBERING BABY.
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Oh honey... my heart goes out to you. I SO understand how you must be feeling right now. Don't be too hard on yourself girl... our children have owned our hearts since before we held them in our arms. This disease is insidious. It has robbed us of so very much...

You have done so well detaching - God is doing such an amazingly powerful work in you - don't lose sight of that. I, too, am trying to do the same with my son, and I have to remember continually that as long as I am WILLING and take the next right step - He will DO the internal work... it will never be easy. No, not easy, but I don't believe our journey is meant to be easy necessarily?

I don't understand why this is happening either. I have often asked God "why?" in the past... before I got "sick" as I call my addiction. And just for me as I see it, He is a Sovereign Holy God with a macro view of it ALL who sees the WHOLE story... the whole journey of ALL the lives whom are touched by my son the addict and me and ALL of this... my sons testimony one day? Mine? My hope is that it all will bring glory to Him.

You, my friend, have already touched my life by sharing your journey, your pain, and your strength. You have not failed your daughter; you have not abandoned her!  From what you have written and my experience of more than 9 years with my son, it does not sound like she has 30 days sober... I'm sorry to say.  Stand strong mamma. You're are not alone. We're in this together. I'm praying for you today! May God's peace and grace comfort you.

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Thank you. I feel the MOST support from this community than any other place. I'm so thankful to have a place to vent too.
I'm a lot better than earlier...I called her this afternoon and asked if she remembered calling me and what she said. She said she did and that she was so sorry. She was hurt and mistook my not contacting her as abandonment and wanted to hurt me as much as she was hurting. She agreed never to call me when she's drinking or on any other substance. She still insisted that she's clean from heroin and admitted that she's been abusing alcohol as a lesser of 2 evils. She is planning on leaving. I told her she what I though she SHOULD do but I know it won't make a difference and when has it ever? So that's it. I accepted her apology.
You are so right...about life not always meant to be always pleasant. I tell myself that all the time. I remind myself of the Beatitudes...especially ..blessed are the poor in spirit. I know God draws us closer to Him in our most sorrowful moments.
Thank you.
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Hi gale, im sorry to hear your going threw this. I wanted to share with you my story on living with and addict, and my rare sucess story about my partner getting clean. Ive been you. Ive been threw that cycle of lie, steal, relapse, missing, let down after, let down, broken promises. My partner of 12 years became addicted to hetoin, I couldnt belive it, we were a happy family, a mortgage, two kids, we both worked, I couldnt belive how this had happened. It surely is a drug that doesnt discriminated.  I watched a person I loved, loose everything I loved about them, until he turned into something I wouldnt even regard as human. Drug addiction is the most cruellest discusting thing, and my heart aches for people like you who are going threw it. Where do you drawthe line when you love someone? When you remember the great person they were pre addiction. I had two years of it, and im sure you are more than familiar with how life with an an addict goes. Ugly, ugly, ugly. I wanted to ask you has your daughter expressed that she really wants help, & wants to get clean? Some treatments out there just send users around in circles with no end result of getting clean. Like suboxone-this was my partners experience, he would withhold his meds, go use heroin, and when he had no heroin, he would take his meds. Have you heard of the naltrexone implant? We gave my partner this option of help, wich he accepted. Its an implant surgically insetted in the abdomen,  its an opoid antagonist, its shuts off the opoid receptors in the brain, meaning the user cant use at all, it also takes away the mental cravings, as addiction is a mental/brain diseas.it lasts for 6 months. My partner has had two implants so far & has remained clean for nearly a year. He has returned to being the person I knew him as, his personality, his interest, everything that made him, him. His back living at home with me and the kid's,  works full time. This implant has saved his life, and although here in australia they are $1000 per one, it has been a small price to pay for what was a massive stressful/painful problem. My partner will even say now, he wouldnt have been able to get clean without it, sure you need to have will power as well, but will power alone is not enough. I just wanted to make you aware of this treatment, if you werent already, and if it helps save any addict/family out there in the world, it would feel my heart with happiness. I hope your coping well,
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Hey beautiful lady, I just wanted to check in and tell you you're on my mind this morning. You are covered in prayer this morning... you and your daughter. God keep you, my friend.

I feel the need to say, "I'm here if you need to vent. That you don't need to be strong and say the right words." Maybe because I often filter what I say and write... lol... and then again... I often don't! Ha. anyway, I'm here.

Oh! :) and my book just arrived. Now, time to dig in.
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Well she has managed to take the drama to a new level.
I wish I could make her get the naltrexone implant that chloegirl11608 wrote about but I can't. I really don't think she wants to stop.
I'm tired of the constant lies and manipulation. I allowed myself to get sucked back in because I obviously still have unresolved guilt issues with her...she knows it...I can't let her do that anymore...she has become so good at her craft of manipulation and because I love her so much I am easily blinded.
AShellof_Me...I think the answer is...yes...you always keep your hope in check. We have to as parents otherwise we are setting ourselves up for more heartache. One day at a time.
She did leave for San Francisco but only got as far as Missouri before she stole her friends credit cards, phone and car which contained his belongings and abandoned him at a hotel in the middle of a snow storm. She didn't get far...just 7 miles down the road before she got in an accident. No injuries. She was charged with DWI...not held in custody...in MO the first offense is a misdemeanor. He tried to report his car stolen so she would be arrested and put in jail which would be the best place for her but it was after the fact with the accident and since they are a "couple" it just looks like a domestic dispute and he could possible be charged with filing a false report. He told the police that she is an addict, tried to get her detained but couldn't. I told him he has to take care of himself. He says he still loves her and can't leave her in there with no where to go....HIS process now...not mine.  Last I heard...she's back at the hotel with him...car is not drivable. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.
How very selfish they become...absolutely no regard for anyone but themselves!!
So am I going to call her and tell her it's going to be okay and that she can get through this? NO NO NO!
What she did is not okay, the using is not okay and I'm tired.
I AM OKAY. I really am! I see where my weaknesses are and it's not when she screws up,,,it's my guilt...I'm letting go of that...it's MY hopes and dreams for her healing and how that's going to take place....I'm letting go of that. I'm giving it to God...I'm letting go again.
She knows I love her...she knows i'll never stop praying for her.
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Oh my goodness! Beautiful Gayle, I am so sorry hear about the "new" escalated drama. It's incredibly insane... whether drugs or alcohol... the addicts behavior is driven by the substance not by their true self... somehow (as you very well know) she/he is so buried deep inside by now, we as parents can only pray God can reach inside and grab hold - while we step aside and get out of the way. Funny, I KNOW what I'm supposed to DO... it's the DOING it that's the HARD part!! :) sigh... I've been doing this soooo long.... did it with my ex too. God said, "Girl! Step OUT of MY way!! You are NOT MY Holy Spirit!" lol... Honey... that was something like 9 years ago! That's about the time I started this journey with my son...

Anyway... I digress. All that rambling to say, you are STRONG!! I see so much strength and courage and newly found wisdom in you just in the progression of  reading your posts... obviously, there will be times of struggle... this is your daughter we're talking about!! She owned your heart when you carried her in your arms from the bathtub and put her in her little footie pajamas... SO! If you don't handle every situation perfectly, give yourself a break!!! This truly is a ONE day at a time process. We will never get it just right... we can only do our best to TRY and be as healthy - make the healthiest choices - on this MOST UNHEALTHY life path... until our children are free.

I love what you said:
I see where my weaknesses are and it's not when she screws up,,,it's my guilt...I'm letting go of that...it's MY hopes and dreams for her healing and how that's going to take place....I'm letting go of that. I'm giving it to God...I'm letting go again.

This is amazing self-awareness. I so resonate with you on all of this. The letting go is a continual... CONSCIOUS - daily effort.  For me, it's not that I just give it over and then - Okay, I'm done. It's a continual giving over process. Each day, every day.  God is our strength and our source. The Grace who provides the way for us to find peace in all of this madness. I am SO grateful.  I am also so grateful for you Gayle. Truly.

Be blessed today lovely lady. Praying for you and yours. Just ONE day at a time.
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hello gayle, I wanted to check on you and see how you are doing?
I think of you very often and pray for the peace of GOD to rest upon each member of your family.
please take care of you and let GOD speak to and minister to your
daughter. I pray she surrenders her will and her life to HIM.
HE alone can satisfy.
much love,
Debbie
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Hi Debbie, thanks for your note and prayers, they mean a lot to me.
I am doing okay.

My daughter and her friend landed in San Diego now instead of San Francisco. They stayed in Missouri until his insurance claim for his car went through (she totaled it). They decided to continue on to California but not before one last stop to the hospital because she overdosed on bath salts. He's sticking with her thinking he can save her. They got an apartment with a 3 month lease.

I have spoken with her on the phone and its the same old thing just a different state now. I don't know if it makes it harder or easier for me now that she's so far away (if that makes any sense).

I sent her a card today... Just telling her how much I love her and that I hoped someday she will trust me and more importantly God enough to open up and be honest and receive healing. She may not "get it" yet or want to hear it but I had to say it. Even though I've said it a thousand times before. It's just as good for it me to write it as much as it is for her to hear it.

I know you asked how I am and I gave you the latest on my daughter. It's only because sometimes writing it out is "working it out" for me.

I am drawing closer to God. I've been able to get away by myself on Tuesday nights to go to my church and pray and that has been so wonderful!! I've been volunteering at my 4 yr olds art class bringing my 2 yr old with and that has been a blast. I've ordered a spiritual book that I've read parts of before...it's called "When The Well Runs Dry"...seems appropriate right? But I know it's going to help me grow even closer to God.

Thank you Debbie for your support and caring. I hope all is wonderful for you. You deserve it.
God bless
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Hi Gayle,
I was thinking of you today and wanted to check in to see how you are doing... I hadn't read your most recent post.

I just want you to know I am praying for you and your daughter. I pray your girl to have the eyes to see and ears to hear God's voice... that she will turn her face to Him. I pray for His protection and for her path to be made straight so she will become the testimony and witness she is created to be. I believe you are a woman of faith and prayer and perseverance and God does hear you my friend. As He hears me... This path can be so painful and my heart hurts for you mamma as I know the very real grief you go through for your daughter...

Praying for you to stay strong and as I know you continue to grow closer to God through this journey. Peace and comfort and wisdom to you honey.
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Hi there. Thanks for checking in...sometimes I need a "shove" to post anything when things are going downhill. I hope all is well with you.

Just to update....He had no choice but to kick her out last week. He thinks she is using meth now. Apparently she met some users and was disappearing for hours and then overnight.

I never thought i would worry about anything worse than heroin, but I am more worried about meth. At least with heroin the addict will still eat and rest, with meth i've heard that they can go days without eating or sleeping.

So I was jolted way back to my old behaviors. I found myself in a deep depression only finding enough energy to physically care for my little ones, but that's it. I was despondent for 3 complete days, i'm ashamed to admit.

I think the combination now of her being 2000 miles away and the revalation of the meth use was more than what I prepared for. I guess i need to prepare for the worst and I haven't been doing that. It makes me think of your question.."do you keep your hope in check?" I've been holding out hope for so long and things always seem to take a turn for the worst.

There were 2 days in my bout with hopelessness that no one knew where she was and it was that old familiar feeling of agony and despair...I could not accept that after all of my prayers and all of this pain that it would possibly come down to never knowing what happened to my daughter. Because of her being so close to Mexico my mind went haywire with scenerios of nightmares. All I could ask was "Why?"

So it IS the same old thing, just different location. She contacted her friend and she's agreed to go to treatment, but the clock is ticking. She's back in his apartment as of Sunday night but has to be out of there by Friday. She does have distant family in L.A. and my mother is is Beaumont...both are 2 hrs from San Diego. Of course my mother (her grandmother) won't take her in and her cousin in L.A. is a beginner in all of this and wants to save her, but I talked with her last night and I think she understood that the best thing for Jessica is treatment and to encourage that and not take her in.

I wish I could post that I have been strong and unphased by Jessicas choices, but i just wasn't. I wasn't. I have to be honest. I have to be honest with myself if i want to get better. When I think it can't get any worse than this...I find a new, undiscovered low that i didn't know existed.

So I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and despair. I did. I chose that and I am sorry. Obviously I'm better now because im here posting. So if I can't be an inspiration on remaining "healthy" in this nightmare, maybe I can at least help others who are like me feel not so alone.

I have not given up hope...even in my days of darkness, I managed to pull my head out of my butt (ha ha) long enough to pray each day. I may not have "felt it" at the time, but I continued to keep the line of communication open with God, and I know I would not have been able to get out of my despair without Him. Even though I was angry and despondent, I left the door cracked for God.

God bless you and thank your for checking in
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Oh honey... I HEAR you... I've been right where you are in so many ways... my son has been on the other side of this nation  - so far away from me - and in one moment it felt like a relief... in another moment I felt like would tear my hair out with worry. I so get it.

Today... I could use that "shove" you mention... or an arse kickin' or a somethin'... The feeling of defeat is a bit overbearing at times.  Perhaps we're not meant to muster up a false mask of strength for others when it's not really there? Perhaps we're meant to be transparent and authentic and raw.... I think we are.  It is by the grace of God that I can even stand today in any manner.  I'm doing the best I can for this day... and the best I've got today is getting my butt into work. That's all I have today.  That's what I can muster today AND THAT IS with God's strength!! Praise HIM!!!  Because ya know, if left to my own device I'd be at home under my sheets crying my eyes out and that's THE TRUTH!!!  The is ME WITHOUT a mask and completely transparent :)  Jesus is the ONLY way that I can sit here and put two words together and step out and do something really dumb... just sayin.

so... yeah... it's been a rough few days... lol.  I hear you lovely lady. Gayle you an amazing inspiration. Don't get down on yourself honey. You do not have to be anything that you are not. The fact that you can get yourself out of bed to take care of your little ones while you are fully grieving the life of your first born child... Girl!! You doing okay! It's okay to grieve... let's give ourselves permission to get down a little... allow OUR VERY BIG GOD to hold us in HIS loving arms and COMFORT US!!  We can let HIM just as we would do for our babes :) We can ALLOW this for ourselves!! This TOO is GOOD self-care... Authentic - honest... it's good. You're doing grreat mamma. ALL of what we go through and ALL of what we share can be healing to someone - I truly believe that.  Our struggles and our triumphs :) yeah?

Gotta heart for ya girlie. One of our dear friends called me a "Lifeboat partner" :) I just love that... that's what we are here. Lifeboat partners... Praying for you lovely to find some peace in all of this and for your beautiful daughter.  Praying for each one of us. May God continue to shine His light upon us and give us the measure we need for each challenge... Peace to you girl.
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It's been 3 months since I last posted and to go through the events that have transpired would take too long.

And as I sit here and try to think about what actually has happened I realize that it doesn't really matter....the events, the worry, the pain they have caused....what matters is that Jessica is still alive and that there is still hope. What matters is today....not yesterday or tomorrow.

I know I will have my moments of sadness, but I will also have my moments of peace, and maybe even joy....I'll let all those feelings happen when they happen...when they are appropriate to the situation at hand.

I will at least update that she is still with her boyfriend, still in San Diego, and still using heroin. He wants to help her but ends up enabling her most of the time. He's started seeing a counselor and does go to nar-anon meetings occasionally.

They have a pattern...she takes off...leaves for a day or two, maybe three...calls him...wants to come back...he takes her back because he can't stand not knowing if she's okay (and frankly neither can I). He reminds me of myself. He has leaned on me for support and that has been difficult because it brought also pain and worry. Now he calls a lot less because he says that he knows it puts me on an emotional roller coaster and that makes him feel bad. He does not call and "report" every time she takes off like he used to and I appreciate that.

She has kept in contact with me...somewhat. There was a period of time in there where she didn't call me for weeks but I was at least kept updated that she was okay by her boyfriend and cousin in L. A. whom she has been confiding in.

As of last night, she called and said she was going to try to get to a treatment center. She has an abscess on her forearm (second one in 2 weeks) and was going to he hospital to get checked out. Meanwhile, after watching an episode of good 'ole Dr. Phil....(one of his many addiction story episodes) I called a number posted on his website... sounds silly....I know...I left a message...I doubt anything will come of it....just had to do what felt right at the time.

As for me...I'm doing okay. Thanking God for each day, and He's blessed me with some good ones too! I just have to keep my eyes open so I can recognize them!!

I decided to get off my butt and start some projects to keep me busy physically and mentally. I was in a rut...so I put down the bag of double-stuffed oreo's (my best friend this past winter...ha ha) and decided to dig into some projects I've been putting off for years!. I re-modeled my bathroom, painted my hallway and am tackling other home-improvement projects (which I love to do btw). We have an old house (over 110 years old) that we bought almost 10 years ago with the intention of completely re-modeling / re-storing it...(boy... were we naïve!!!...didn't know life was about to get serious!!). I am doing what I love to do! My passion...re-storing, designing, decorating...I'm loving it and having so much fun doing it!

My little ones are doing great! Thankfully they play so well together and keep each other entertained allowing me to work on my projects. My 4yr old is now 5 and will start kindergarten this fall and that in itself is going to add to my to-do list...that's a good thing too because I am the type of person that does need a "shove" from time to time to get moving and keep busy, otherwise I tend to fall into a rut...especially in the winter months!

I keep all the parents who post on this site in my thoughts and prayers daily! I keep All of our children and families in my thoughts and prayers too! God is Good!
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Oh sweet thang......thank you SO MUCH for your update.  
I love it that you are growing and doing what you love to do.  Being creative and artistic is a gift I'm not sure I have...hahaha!  What a blessing to have a home 110 yrs old??  I know it's A LOT of work....but the architecture alone makes it a more than pleasant cocoon, eh?  

Your wee ones are growing up too and have each other as buddies...I love hearing that as I have many sisters, but one is 18 mos older than I and we were complete opposites....but such buddies as children.....then not so much thru high school...than HUGE buddies now.  She has MS and I help her as much as she helps me.  Our souls are connected and your two wee ones will be the same way as they grow up.

I'm so glad to read that Jessica is still alive.....if you've been hanging on for as many yrs as some of us have.....just knowing they are still alive is a blessing for us.  My loved one is back in federal prison but gets out in October....then the real life challenges begin again.  Will he actually "walk the walk"????  We shall see.  We've (our family) has been hoping for 15 yrs now.....only time will tell, eh?

I pray Jessica "gets it" soon.....you are always in my prayers little creative Mama.......thank you for your update......our journeys are connected....and so are our hearts~
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Girl~!!!
It's so good to see you hear!! Oh I have missed you.

Thank you so much for the update on you and Jessica. What a journey, eh honey? Oye vey. You sound well friend.... mmm... healthy.  I know heartache is always there... but the not getting so stuck in it is healthy.  

I'm so sorry to hear Jessica is still actively in her addiction, but I am glad to hear she may be looking to get into a recovery program. I will be standing in prayer for that honey.  It sounds like she has a real advocate in her boyfriend... I hope he continues to go to those meetings!! For his sake and hers... one day, she will get sick and tired of being sick and tired and she will make the head change. I believe that dear friend. My son too. I will keep praying and keep hoping :).  They are alive today and we can stand in that HOPE Praise God!! Praise God HE is in control and WE are not... and we do NOT have to be... what a relief... what a peace there is in that, right?  While there is still a grieving in our hearts for our child... for their life right now... we can REST in HIM and we are comforted in through the grief.

Ryne is just now in a rehab program.  He's been there for one week. :) I'm feeling pretty hopeful. ONE day at a time girl!! God is in control... Ryne's journey not mine.

So Gayle! You're amazing!! It's so cool ALL you're doing in your home!! Yay! I love it :) wow... I'm clean_in_KS... what a treat to have a home 110 years old!! lol... okay... it's all about perspective! ha!  I'm sure it's a ton of work, but how cool is that!!  You have to post some pictures girlie!!  I would LOVE to see some of your handywork... may I just say how very proud of you I am? You are doing so well.  What an inspiration you have been for me... when I first came here, you were one of those that reached out to me and we connected and YOU helped me to get better!!  Thank YOU for that!  So so happy to see you keep at your healthy boundaries... love it. love you girl.  

Can't believe the little one's are growing up so fast... crazy to think one is starting kindergarten!!! wow ! too fast! but fun... so many fun things come along with all that... you will be busy with school things and that too is all good.  I'm happy for you gayle. Happy you're keepin' on with YOU in the healthiest way you can... even through the pain  of Jessica... she will never leave your heart. I know that girl. She is still your girl... she is still your heart.... but you can still move forward even still and this is good... THAT my dear friend is ALL God moving in you and through you. What a good and merciful God we have!!

Keep coming back to update us honey!! SO loving hearing from YOU!!!! Just love ya girlie... you are an inspiration to me.
Praying for Jessica continually!!! HUGS
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I am feeling very alone today and just missing my daughter. It's just one of those days. I just have the need to express how I'm feeling.

I had a memory pop in my head today...a song I haven't heard in a while...I was taken back with emotion thinking about one of the treatment centers she went to in southern Illinois when she was 16. The center was 3 hours away and I would drive there almost every Sunday for only a 2-4 hour visit. The drive there was okay but I hated the drive back. I had 6 hours of driving (there and back) to think about her, myself and how I wish things were different. I beat myself up a lot too. I cried so much on those drives. She was so far away and I wished it didn't have to be that way. Now she's in California...so very far and she's not well at all. She hasn't yet gone to a treatment center. She did get the abscess in her arm treated. Her boyfriend has kicked her out. I haven't spoken to her in 2 weeks. She called from an unknown number last Sunday but I missed her call...she left a message...I could hear traffic in the background.

I have been doing okay dealing with this in general. I am just missing her terribly today. I'm just having a hard day. I just want to get to her....hold her...see her...tell her how much I love her and miss her... My heart is aching.
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oh my sweet dear friend~
My heart aches for you honey... I can so feel your heart!!! Oh how I wish I could reach through this computer and just give you a BIG hug!!!

I'll take the oars today honey... okay? You rest your arms... with the strength of God and His grace and tremendous mercy... I can row the boat... you just REST in HIS arms today...

Lifting you in prayer Gayle and your precious daughter. I am so sorry you're struggling to today... sorry to hear she's still out there struggling... sorry you missed her call... I do so KNOW how that feels... not too long ago went through precisely that... sigh... crying for your aching heart momma.  I began praying to God: Lord, direct his path... i don't want to hear from him until he's truly ready... UGH... and then I kept missing his calls!!! I'm like-- really?? Argh! Lord, I take it back... lol... uh... mmk... God you always know best. YOU are in control...

Sweet Gayle ~ I just want you to know I believe Jessica will have her victory!! Just as I fully believe Ryne will. God has a PLAN and a PURPOSE for every one of our tears and every one of their hardships!!  What the enemy has meant for their harm GOD means for their GOOD!!  Jessica WILL have her healing - she will get sick and tired - and find her path of recovery!  These children of ours are blessed to be loved by a GRACIOUS and HOLY God who LOVES them even more than WE can ask or THINK my dear dear friend... Jessica and Ryne were loving and uniquely created for HIS purpose and they WILL walk that out in HIS perfect timing... I believe this with ALL my heart and every fiber of my BEING!  Praise God for His faithfulness to fulfill what He has already begun... our babes our living walking testimonies for the Kingdom of God and we are just waiting for the manifestation of that Glory.

My Lifeboat partner... May the God of ALL creation surround you with His unfailing LOVE and comfort and PEACE... may He mend your broken heart and heal your grieving spirit.

It's okay to have a bad dear one. So glad you're here. So glad you didn't stay alone in your pain.   I love you honey.

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My daughter is now officially homeless and using somewhere in San Diego. Her boyfriend got his life together and got a great job in San Francisco (the original destination) and told her she cannot come with him. He dropped her off at the San Diego rescue mission about 3 weeks ago on his way and she never went in. She called me over a week ago from a motel 6 in National City of course promising to call me later but I haven't heard from her since. She gave me an e mail address and i sent her numbers but she hasn't responded at all. I have no phone number...nothing....no way to know where she is...my only hope is that she'll show up for her court date tomorrow. That's it but my gut tells me she won't. I almost don't want to call because I'm afraid of what I'll find out.

So I'll keep praying as I always do even though it is terrifying at times...I get waves of emotion that come over me so strong

I guess I will have to learn how to live with this open wound for now. Just accept this "station" in life. Learn to cope...it's a lot...and I often ask why. I pray I'll know the answer some day.
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Thank you for coming back and updating us, Gayle.  I was just thinking about you yesterday.  It's been another 2 months since you posted and it's really good to hear from you!  It is so, so heartbreaking to hear that Jessica is still out there using.....sounds like she may be getting closer and closer to "coming to the end of herself".   Her boyfriend getting into counseling and attending Nar-anon surely helped him to realize his enabling was only hurting her and making HIM sicker, too.  There may just be some progress now that she doesn't have him to fall back on and cushion her circumstances.  It took a lot of courage for him to go on to SF w/o her....but he did good realizing NOTHING he or anyone else does will give Jessica the desire to set herself free from her addiction.  I realize she has had NUMEROUS painful circumstances all these years....but she's always had at least ONE person to cushion her reality, give her a ride, a car, some $, bring her dope in the hospital, get her into yet another treatment center, on and on.
My prayer is that she will reach the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It's so easy for me (or many of us) to take the addict's/alcoholic's struggles onto myself and feel that I should be able to do something about them.
But I have learned thru Al-Anon (reading daily literature EVERY DAY and meetings, online forums, etc.) that slipping into that mindset simply cripples me and makes me sick inside.  The first step "admitted we were powerless".....is something I need to remind myself over and over each day.  I am not God....and I don't have the power to "make", "change", or "love someone enough" to get them clean or desire a life of recovery for themselves.  
We know that addiction can end 4 ways:  jails, another institution, death or in recovery.  The addict MUST be the one to say "enough is enough".  Our hearts cry out....we of course worry of them dying on the street.....but we have NO CONTROL.....and need to trust that God loves them WAY more than we ever could.  He hears our cries....and He knows what it takes for each and every person on this Earth to turn to Him and sincerely ask for help.
The Footprints Poem that is in my bathroom is one I read today and thought of you and precious Jessica.  Wanna read it?  Here ya go:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream...
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way;
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why in times when I
needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
child. I love you, and I would never,
never leave you during your times of
trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

He is carrying YOU.....and He is also carrying Jessica~

I will continue to hold you close, Gayle.  And will pray for Jessica too.  Loving an addict is one of the most painful experiences I've ever had to experience in my life.  I hope you are getting some kind of support, Gayle.  We cannot do this alone anymore than the addict can.
Love and hugs to you~
Connie
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Oh My...I just found your story.
Ive cried for the last hour reading it.

Honey...YOUR making GREAT Progress, and you have EXCELLENT support here with all the right answers given to you.
Debbie, she was my strength too, a long over due Thank You to you Deb !!
Our Canadian friends :)...I couldn't have done it without mine !!!
I found one 4 years ago who has listened to me for probably a 1000+ hours, still does:)  
While I had to make my own choices I had non stop never ending support.  The times I thought of ending my own life, because of the unbearable pain...I was talked back to life.
I will be Forever Grateful to have found such a special love from a total stranger.
Support is what we need most...your finding it here.
Don't EVER let yourself feel alone
I also deeply connected with one mom here...we were in the same spot at the same time.  We found peace, strength and courage in each other. Something about the friendships you build here out of shear pain some how turn into relationships like no other in life.
I know you read my story and I believe I mentioned the mom I met.  We tried everything you have, that we all have.
Honey both our kids are clean...2 years.  Her daughter did it a month ahead of my son and both are living life.  We were both in your spot...right down to the horrifying thought of them taking their lives.
I would like to add a bit more advice here.  I will never tell to do this I just want you to know what we did.
I too each time I let my son in my life HAD to tell him he was my world...how deeply I loved him.  We did all the emotions you describe, anger, fear and LOVE.  I needed him to know what ever could possibly happen either to he or I....there would always be deep love between us
He Thrived on that love, so did her daughter...KNOWING we would go to the end of the earth for them.
The night I TOTALLY let my son go, was the hardest night of my life, but I also felt the biggest calm wash over me.
I do believe God gave me something that night.
That night...My son also told me, like your daughter, that he held in his hand enough heroin to not wake up.  
I hurt so bad at this point...I truly only wanted peace for him...for us.  
He kept telling me I love you mom...Im So Sorry.
I couldn't respond..it was the FIRST time in his addicted life I didn't tell him I loved him, I couldn't...it certainly wasn't because I didn't, I just couldn't bring myself to say those words.
They ARE master manipulators of the heart, without us even knowing.
Honey...he turned the corner that night.
About a week later he came home clean.
It was awhile before we were able to talk openly.  I was afraid to bring up anything relating to drugs...but the day we did, it was a conversation that sank deep.
His words to me...after so many thank yous were words I will never forget.  They came clear out of the blue, and only 6 words.
"I didn't want to die alone "
Im not saying this is the answer...it could have very possibly gone in the opposite direction...but deep in my heart to this day...I feel it WAS all about love, for he and I.
I nearly loved him to death.
Our fear is losing the love of our children, it only grows stronger, deeper when they come to the other side...
The mom that did it with me...we followed in each others foot steps...every step of the way.
STAY STRONG...YOU CAN bring her home <3
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Thank you Connie and Deb for your loving, supportive words. They brought tears to my eyes.

I posted a picture of Jessica and I (taken 19 years ago). It was southern California we were visiting...I keep this picture in my prayer book. It is a perfect depiction of how I feel....especially now.

I know I can't save her...and I know that God is watching over her now.

Connie, thank you for the footprints poem...now when I look at that photo I'll remember that God is there to carry her.

Thank you both so very much
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I'm so scared. She did call about a week ago...then sent an email the next day saying she'd be calling me soon from a treatment center. She said she has hit bottom and that she loves me and wants to be in my life. She said there was a bed ready for her but the first question they asked her was if she had any open wounds and apparently she had another abscess lanced at the hospital the night before...she said one would open up in a couple of days.

I feel paralyzed ...I did not respond to the e mail. I'm waiting to see if she's serious...I have the number that she called from too and I haven't called it.

I've got a bad feeling in my gut....I don't know why...I'm so so scared...why do I have this feeling?...I'm so scared
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Hi ...my name is Katie and I was somehow bored this evening and somehow someway was accidentally taken to this website and started reading about it. I saw there was an addiction button lol I clicked on it and I started reading your story from the top. I grew up in a great household and my parents have just celebrated their 39th year of marriage. You remind me soo much of my mother. She is the absolute most sweetest ladies ever in the entire world and has done nothing but try to help me since she had first found out I was using heroin. I just want you to know that I am praying for you and if you have any questions(even personal or questions about the using) I am here. I have been using for almost 7 years and have been to treatment 13 times. I really thought i had it soo many times and really I think the mental part of it takes me back every time into using again. I just wanted you to know I know my mother tells me she mourned my loss and I they have cut me off completely about a year ago. They gave one last attempt and I got clean for almost 80 days and went to a sober house after treatment this time instead of coming home. It was very strange to me. I grew up in a middle class household where to be honest we never needed for a thing. But, my family begged me to go and finally try something different. Even after all that detox and rehab clean time one day I just woke up and got hi. For no damn reason. Just know this much....I can guarantee your daughter is laying in  a bed right now no matter where she is!, thinking about how much she loves you and wishes everything could just be over. I KNOW IT SOUNDS REDICIOULIS coming from a addict myself but ppl who don't use just don't get it. They ask " why cantw e just stop then?" It just ***** and I know she loves you. Please don't give up on her. I miss my mom and dad every single day and regret every single decision I have made and am making. I hope I can do this I am going to be going back into rehab next week. I will pray for you and her. PLESE pry for me....
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Katie... Thank you so much for your post! I am deeply touched by your sharing and I will keep you in my prayers.
I believe the biggest obstacle in dealing with addiction is trusting in God. Whether it be the addict or the person who loves them...letting Him carry us through even the most painful times. It's what I find the most hard to do sometimes...to get out of the way so that He can do His work. Trusting that whatever outcome will be, He will give me the strength I need. Trusting that He has a plan.

I'm holding on...I'll never give up on my daughter. It's just so frightening... The unknown...I want to know if she's okay...where she is.

I'll pray for you, Katie...you already have a special place in my heart. Please put your trust in God...He has been carrying you...You have been an instrument of hope for me...looking back on all my posts...I can see that he's carried me too

God Bless you!!
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The last posts I read from you both spoke a million words.  
You are both so close...
I too am saying a prayer, that peace finds your hearts very soon.
Gayle everything Katie said to you...Ive heard from my son.  
Reading her words...what an amazing woman you are Katie.
Were all addicted, be it love of our child or love of the drug.  
While yes, we as parents will never understand the drug addiction side unless we live it, on the flip side.. our drug addicted child will never understand the addiction of the love of our child, unless they live it.  
We're all fighting the same painful battle.
Why cant we give it up ??
Your daughter does love you very much gayle, she struggles as hard as you.
Katie the same goes for you, your parents didn't give up on you...it isn't possible.  Their love is deep.  
It takes deep love to let addiction go.
Your parents did all they knew how, the only course of action they had left was letting their addiction go in hopes that it would be enough love for you to let your addiction go.  
Katie...you did 80 days...that's huge !!!  
You did it once, you will do it again.  
Your post is deeply heart touching, I could feel from your words your not done fighting your battle...I believe your out to win.
Gayle and Katie...Believe you can do it....God will help you find the way
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