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5416308 tn?1409839408
Mother of a heroin addict
I am the mother of a heroin addict. My daughter is 20 yrs. old and just took off from the 6th inpatient treatment center that she's been in. She is in a very big city and I have no idea where she is and her phone is off. I don't even know if she just left with the clothes on her back or if she planned it. The treatment center will not give me any information because she did not sign a release for me. I am scared. I wonder if I will ever see or talk to her again. I desperately want to tell her I love her. I don't want to lose her. I am afraid of what her rock bottom will be. She has already been to jail for possession and is on parole. She has lost two friends to overdose, one of which she found dead. If these haven't been bottom, then what will??? I am scared. I pray all the time and I know that she is in God's hands. What do I do if she calls out of the blue and wants to come home? I don't know if I'm strong enough to say no. Doing nothing feels like giving up. I have two other children (toddlers) to think about. But she is my baby. I have guilt. I wish I could go back and do things differently. I know I didn't cause her addiction and I know I cannot enable her. My heart is just aching. I'm praying for a word or sign to let me know she is okay and by that I mean alive. Not knowing is torture.
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3197167 tn?1348972206
You aren't the worst mother an idiot OR a fool, Gayle.  Addiction is a family disease.....it affects ALL the lives of those who love that addict.  Many times the ones that love the addict end up sicker than the addict themselves because a substance isn't used to "medicate the pain"....do you know what I mean?  I have a sister than ended up in treatment...and she's not an addict....but she was suicidal by the time she called me.  

If you're like me.....you are learning to set new boundaries by exceeding them.  You have to draw new lines in the sand.  Equip yourself as much as you can about addiction....get frequent support from others that know exactly what you are going thru.  Your two other children and husband need you....and continuing to call and text Jessica is only keeping you sick and s*cked into her cycle of insanity.  She CAN do this without you.  Trust that if you give ALL the broken pieces of your heart to God that He will do things you never imagined possible.

I'm glad you ordered that book.....Jessica has become "your addiction"....your obsession....and the definition of an obsession is "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonale idea or feeling...excessively so".

I will definitely pray for you, Jessica, your 2 and 4 yrs olds as well as your husband.  All the time and energy you give to Jessica who doesn't appreciate your efforts and continues to "play" you....will reap much greater rewards for you by sharing that time and energy with the currently family that DOES appreciate you.

Don't beat yourself up....just continue to learn.....set new boundaries....force yourself to LET GO....and give Jessica to God....nothing you can DO will get her there....she has to get there now on her own.  
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5416308 tn?1409839408
Thank you once again for your encouragement. I am doing so much better today.
I think the experience the other day really opened my eyes to MY part in the craziness. I beat myself up that day but I'm not doing that anymore. I'm choosing to learn from it.
I will continue doing what I CAN do for Jessica which is to pray. I made a prayer book dedicated to her a year or so ago and I have said these prayers and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy (I'm catholic) daily without ceasing since then. That has brought me the most peace through all of this...when I have said these prayers for the day, I know I have mothered her the only way I can and it makes it easier to focus on other things the rest of the day.
I can't wait for the book, I know there will be some good morsels of knowledge for me to draw from. God knows I need it!
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3197167 tn?1348972206
Good for you, Gayle!!!  May peace flood your heart and may you give Him all your broken pieces~
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5416308 tn?1409839408
I figured I'd better write the latest update before it gets too crazy and hard to sort out or remember.
She left treatment with another girl that she met there. She got there on Wednesday and left on Friday. They both came back very late Saturday night and I got a call tonight (Monday) from the treatment center saying that Jessica left on her own with no money, a few clothes stuffed in her back pack and a barely charged cell phone.
The woman who called me told me that Jessica was offered residential treatment and even gave her the option of outpatient here locally. She refused it all. I don't understand why she even bothered going back.
I haven't called her. The first time she left I did send her one text saying that I will always love her and pray that she'll get clean. That was it. I am going to try my best not to text or call her. It's so hard though because I feel like I'm withholding my love.
I get so confused when I tell people that I've told Jessica that we can't have a relationship while she's using and they say "don't give up on her". I am NOT giving up. It feels like there's an invisible line between keeping the line of communication open and closed. When is it okay to answer the phone if she calls? When is it okay to let her back in? I know these sound like stupid questions because it's obvious it's only when she's not using, but I don't know, I keep thinking.."if she calls, I'll just go ahead and answer but I'll just be strong and I won't give in if she asks for anything". I just want to tell her I love her. I hated the way things went the last time I saw her and I just want another chance.
I am scared again. I am crying again. I'll just have to keep reminding myself that she is in Gods hands. It is still so hard to let go.
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5416308 tn?1409839408
I'm powering through. trying to remind myself of my part in the craziness every time I think about calling her or texting her.
It's hard now because of Christmas and we are planning a trip coming up and I'm nervous about leaving town while her whereabouts are unknown but I know I can't put my life on hold and expect the whole family to while she figures everything out.

Clean-in-ks... thank you so much for your wisdom...I hope you realize how much you have helped me. I did share that poem at my parents meeting and it moved a lot of people. Thank you for that. I think of that Poem every time I start to feel weak.

I am learning to let go. The key word now is "learning" but I'm getting there.
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3197167 tn?1348972206
So proud of you Gayle!!  A couple things about your Dec 16th post....
You aren't "withholding your LOVE".....you are withholding your SUPPORT until you SEE recovery in action.  She needs to know that you don't support her current choices and actions....and in her heart....she KNOWS you love her.

Not having a relationship with her while she is using doesn't mean you are giving up on her.  I told someone this the other day....."We (our family) is NOT giving up on him......there's a HUGE difference between "giving up" and being "used up".  At some point we have to put our well being ahead of their sickness.  It doesn't help ANYthing when we repeat the same behavior over and over again expecting different results....that definition of insanity applies to us, too!

You said, "I know these sound like stupid questions because it's obvious it's only when she's not using, but I don't know, I keep thinking.."if she calls, I'll just go ahead and answer but I'll just be strong and I won't give in if she asks for anything".

I can only tell you how my "process" has been (and it is definitely a process we have to go thru)... Every single time in the past that I HAVE questioned myself and "gone ahead and opened the lines of communication"......I got s*cked back in.  I am NOT strong enough to play with fire.  Because I love my addict SO MUCH.....I can't hear his voice or communicate with him without returning to old sick behaviors myself.  He called here yesterday from prison.....a prepaid call.....it about rips your heart out to hang up and not take the call.  He sends emails from prison to me.....I haven't learned NOT to open and read them....but I HAVE learned not to respond to them.

His cycle of desperation is building....he has NEVER been cut off from family in 15 yrs!  This is a first!  But know what?  He NEEDS to go thru this....every stinkin minute of it....to get him where God wants him to be.  He won't surrender or do it differently THIS time either if we just keep "his world in order" and he doesn't feel any pain from his choices.
My husband was great this week at "telling me" you're doing this to yourself....you should just "not" open and read his emails.  Well guess what.....my hubby is the one that answered the phone yesterday and heard the incoming prepaid call......he hung up cause he knew he had to...but it troubled him...ripped his heart out....was VERY difficult to do!
There is a BIG difference between being "mean" and being "tough"...and I find only another human being who has walked in my shoes can accurately advise me about the addicts I love.  If you haven't walked this road....you truly are clueless.  

It's a process, Gayle.....we get better each time we do the next right thing.  Actions are the ONLY thing that show change.  Words are empty...they mean nothing......and your daughter and our loved one KNOW we love them deep in their hearts.  They just won't understand until they are clean and chemical free working a program of recovery WHY we had to do what we are doing right now.  If we don't enable them and keep cushioning the outcomes of their decisions....they will GROW....and they will BLOOM....and oh how precious they will be to themselves and all that love them~  Have a good trip.....and a Merry Christmas....you have a hubby and two other beautiful children to love on...what a blessing THAT is, eh?


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3197167 tn?1348972206
Gayle??  Happy New Year to you!  How was your trip?  And how are you holding up?
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5416308 tn?1409839408
Happy New Year to you too! We went on our trip and it was good! It was a real "get-away". I set aside time in the mornings to pray before everyone else got up and went about my visit just enjoying my family.

I've been good. She has been trying to get to me by texting or calling (not very often, though). She popped in just before Christmas with her boyfriend...caught me off guard but I held strong and told her basically..."no more lies" in so many words and said she needed to get help. I hugged her, told her I loved her and left it at that. We went on our trip...(I did not tell her we were going). She called me on New Years Day with another story...she's been at a "friends" detoxing for the past 3 days. Of course I didn't buy it. I just told her again..."When you're truly ready to stop, you will do what you know you should do to quit and you are capable and strong enough to do it", I told her that I did not want to argue or repeat myself and that I had to hang up and I did. I truly felt okay...I know I did the right thing. Not only do I know I did but I FEEL I did...that's a big change in me!!!

I got the book....I am soaking up every morsel...I can relate so much!!!
What a blessing it was that you recommended it!!! I've already got 2 other people reading it!!  

Thank you so much and God bless you!!
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3197167 tn?1348972206
All I got to say is:  "GOODIE GUM DROPS"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL

I'm SO proud of YOU!!!!  And you're reading the book....Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!

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5416308 tn?1409839408
I don't know exactly when it happened, and I know it's from God...I realized a few days ago that I didn't physically feel "twinges" of pain in my heart that I had felt for what seems like years. They went away. My heart feels lighter and I don't worry constantly anymore.
I still allow myself to cry...it happens mostly when I say my prayers for her, but I know that even through my tears, God is teaching me, speaking to me, hearing me and healing me.  
My daughter has done another "pop-in" and has called. I didn't fall apart. I didn't even get very emotional (I didn't let my emotions control me).
I am putting her in God's hands...I talked the talk for so long but now I've put my faith in action not only by giving her to God, but giving MY heart to God. I truly feel His healing. God is good.
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1235186 tn?1339127464
And GOD is good all the time.
I am so happy that you have found some peace and comfort amidst this storm.
please listen to this song by casting crowns,

"Praise YOU in this storm"

it has  ministered to me through the years in very trying times.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw


letting go and letting GOD is what we have to do and it is one of the
hardest things to do. we want to fix it and when we finally realize we
cant we have to surrender it to GOD. the burden and weight that is
lifted off our shoulders and heart is enormous.

thank you for the update.
keep the faith,
remember there is always hope,
continued prayers and encouragement,
Debbie
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3197167 tn?1348972206
What a blessing to read your latest post!!!!!

I'm so proud of you I could "bust my buttons"!!!  hahahaha!

As long as we continue to steep ourselves in things that strengthen us and teach us healthy ways to live with "loving an addict"... whether in recovery OR active addiction.....we will find that rest for our souls and know God's plan is WAY better than ours could EVER BE!!!

Love and abundant hugs to you Gayle~
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Gayle, God IS good. I see you go to meetings too. For me it's the 3rd step that's the hardest to follow. When our daughters are out there, we as parents want to reel them back in, and like it says in the Lois chapter, 1st step, in our Al-anon text book, "turn some screws in their head" to turn this nightmare off. It's so hard to trust God when it's a matter of life and death with our children; but we must. It's all we can do. And like you wrote, when we do trust God it gives us the only comfort we can gather in these hard times.

Today I've turned our daughter over, as hard as it is for me to do. I have noticed today that my knuckles aren't as white as they were on the steering wheel. Let God's will be done.
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5416308 tn?1409839408
I am so thankful to have found this community. It really is true that we are called to bear one another's burdens. We can't do it without God and God has given us the gift of each other. I Thank God for all of you!

-OpenMind24hours..I have been following your thread and you and your daughter  have been in my prayers. God is doing something in all of our lives...even our daughter's. I just pray that what ever road our children take that it will lead them to God and that's all I can do.

God bless all of you
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Thank you for the prayers Gayle, you're in my prayers also. This forum is a true miracle in our lives the God has led us to.
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7284346 tn?1402242325
I am so blessed by your sharing Gayle. Thank you.

I NEED that book you're reading! :)

My son is also a heroine addict... but he uses other drugs as well... anything to get out of his head really. He's been a chronic relapser for a long long time. Been in and out of a couple of programs... in and out of our home. No more of that. This is a tough tough road.

He is to go into an SLE today. hmm... do I feel hopeful? Honestly, not really. I do have hope in what the God is capable of doing, but I don't have a lot of hope in what I see in my son's disposition yet. Still wants to do it "his" way. Still thinks he's "got this," Not sure. We'll see.

We've been on this path with this boy for so long it seems... nine years. I feel like I'm a hundred years old. lol.

I came across this forum looking to "vent" about my son - looking for answers - looking for relief - something... a couple of weeks ago, and I just started reading everyone's testimonies. Wow... what an impact it has had on me. I have seen my own behaviours, my own feelings, pain, suffering, hope, life path, choices, and craziness reflected in so many others. It is so amazing to me how healing that alone can be.

Thank you so very much for sharing both your despair and newly found sense of peace and calm.
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5416308 tn?1409839408
I had a relapse of my own at 3:30 am this morning.
She called me drunk, accused me of abandoning her because I haven't attempted to contact her in two weeks. I should have hung up but I didn't. I let my emotions take over. I ended up in a shouting match with her trying to defend myself explaining to her how I was giving her space and that I was afraid what I would find out if I did call...I know...I'm not making any sense right now...no sleep.
She informed me that she truly did get off of heroin, no thanks to me, and has been clean (from heroin) for 30 days.
She then wanted to tell me how much she loves me though but that she is out of my life. She said she's moving to San Francisco...jumping bail...not worried because she will not be extradited for a measly drug charge. She informed me that she'll be by or send someone here to pick up the last of her possessions.
she gave me the title of a song that she wanted me to hear because it summed up how she feels about me. She reminded me of all the ways I have failed her as a mother, and how my husband has hurt her and how I've chosen my husband over her.
Why I googled it and read the lyrics? I don't know. it's called Waltz #2 by Elliot Smith. I don't even know how to feel or respond to it. It was meant to cut me and hurt me most definitely, and it did..but...it also opened my eyes even wider to see that she is in an altogether different reality. I use the word "reality" because I do believe that this is HER reality, as least right now.
So I've had my sobs...outbursts to myself in the mirror...brief moments of clarity...and more sobs.
So I stopped and said my daily prayers for her. I'm calmer now...just really tired.
I'm not giving up....still going to pray...not getting involved in her choices. I stopped trying to keep track of her including checking for court dates and checking to see if she's shown up for them... it's  hers. With her I am damned if I get involved and damned if I don't.
I don't understand why this is happening...sometimes I'm in complete despair.
I was doing so good...now this   :(
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5416308 tn?1409839408
So I re read my post...sure I want to be okay...say all the right things....do all the right things....I'm sad....I can't lie....I'm not as strong as I thought I was now. MY HEART IS BROKEN AND OBLITERATED AND SMASHED INTO PIECES. I FEEL LIKE A BLUBBERING BABY.
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7284346 tn?1402242325
Oh honey... my heart goes out to you. I SO understand how you must be feeling right now. Don't be too hard on yourself girl... our children have owned our hearts since before we held them in our arms. This disease is insidious. It has robbed us of so very much...

You have done so well detaching - God is doing such an amazingly powerful work in you - don't lose sight of that. I, too, am trying to do the same with my son, and I have to remember continually that as long as I am WILLING and take the next right step - He will DO the internal work... it will never be easy. No, not easy, but I don't believe our journey is meant to be easy necessarily?

I don't understand why this is happening either. I have often asked God "why?" in the past... before I got "sick" as I call my addiction. And just for me as I see it, He is a Sovereign Holy God with a macro view of it ALL who sees the WHOLE story... the whole journey of ALL the lives whom are touched by my son the addict and me and ALL of this... my sons testimony one day? Mine? My hope is that it all will bring glory to Him.

You, my friend, have already touched my life by sharing your journey, your pain, and your strength. You have not failed your daughter; you have not abandoned her!  From what you have written and my experience of more than 9 years with my son, it does not sound like she has 30 days sober... I'm sorry to say.  Stand strong mamma. You're are not alone. We're in this together. I'm praying for you today! May God's peace and grace comfort you.

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5416308 tn?1409839408
Thank you. I feel the MOST support from this community than any other place. I'm so thankful to have a place to vent too.
I'm a lot better than earlier...I called her this afternoon and asked if she remembered calling me and what she said. She said she did and that she was so sorry. She was hurt and mistook my not contacting her as abandonment and wanted to hurt me as much as she was hurting. She agreed never to call me when she's drinking or on any other substance. She still insisted that she's clean from heroin and admitted that she's been abusing alcohol as a lesser of 2 evils. She is planning on leaving. I told her she what I though she SHOULD do but I know it won't make a difference and when has it ever? So that's it. I accepted her apology.
You are so right...about life not always meant to be always pleasant. I tell myself that all the time. I remind myself of the Beatitudes...especially ..blessed are the poor in spirit. I know God draws us closer to Him in our most sorrowful moments.
Thank you.
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Hi gale, im sorry to hear your going threw this. I wanted to share with you my story on living with and addict, and my rare sucess story about my partner getting clean. Ive been you. Ive been threw that cycle of lie, steal, relapse, missing, let down after, let down, broken promises. My partner of 12 years became addicted to hetoin, I couldnt belive it, we were a happy family, a mortgage, two kids, we both worked, I couldnt belive how this had happened. It surely is a drug that doesnt discriminated.  I watched a person I loved, loose everything I loved about them, until he turned into something I wouldnt even regard as human. Drug addiction is the most cruellest discusting thing, and my heart aches for people like you who are going threw it. Where do you drawthe line when you love someone? When you remember the great person they were pre addiction. I had two years of it, and im sure you are more than familiar with how life with an an addict goes. Ugly, ugly, ugly. I wanted to ask you has your daughter expressed that she really wants help, & wants to get clean? Some treatments out there just send users around in circles with no end result of getting clean. Like suboxone-this was my partners experience, he would withhold his meds, go use heroin, and when he had no heroin, he would take his meds. Have you heard of the naltrexone implant? We gave my partner this option of help, wich he accepted. Its an implant surgically insetted in the abdomen,  its an opoid antagonist, its shuts off the opoid receptors in the brain, meaning the user cant use at all, it also takes away the mental cravings, as addiction is a mental/brain diseas.it lasts for 6 months. My partner has had two implants so far & has remained clean for nearly a year. He has returned to being the person I knew him as, his personality, his interest, everything that made him, him. His back living at home with me and the kid's,  works full time. This implant has saved his life, and although here in australia they are $1000 per one, it has been a small price to pay for what was a massive stressful/painful problem. My partner will even say now, he wouldnt have been able to get clean without it, sure you need to have will power as well, but will power alone is not enough. I just wanted to make you aware of this treatment, if you werent already, and if it helps save any addict/family out there in the world, it would feel my heart with happiness. I hope your coping well,
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7284346 tn?1402242325
Hey beautiful lady, I just wanted to check in and tell you you're on my mind this morning. You are covered in prayer this morning... you and your daughter. God keep you, my friend.

I feel the need to say, "I'm here if you need to vent. That you don't need to be strong and say the right words." Maybe because I often filter what I say and write... lol... and then again... I often don't! Ha. anyway, I'm here.

Oh! :) and my book just arrived. Now, time to dig in.
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5416308 tn?1409839408
Well she has managed to take the drama to a new level.
I wish I could make her get the naltrexone implant that chloegirl11608 wrote about but I can't. I really don't think she wants to stop.
I'm tired of the constant lies and manipulation. I allowed myself to get sucked back in because I obviously still have unresolved guilt issues with her...she knows it...I can't let her do that anymore...she has become so good at her craft of manipulation and because I love her so much I am easily blinded.
AShellof_Me...I think the answer is...yes...you always keep your hope in check. We have to as parents otherwise we are setting ourselves up for more heartache. One day at a time.
She did leave for San Francisco but only got as far as Missouri before she stole her friends credit cards, phone and car which contained his belongings and abandoned him at a hotel in the middle of a snow storm. She didn't get far...just 7 miles down the road before she got in an accident. No injuries. She was charged with DWI...not held in custody...in MO the first offense is a misdemeanor. He tried to report his car stolen so she would be arrested and put in jail which would be the best place for her but it was after the fact with the accident and since they are a "couple" it just looks like a domestic dispute and he could possible be charged with filing a false report. He told the police that she is an addict, tried to get her detained but couldn't. I told him he has to take care of himself. He says he still loves her and can't leave her in there with no where to go....HIS process now...not mine.  Last I heard...she's back at the hotel with him...car is not drivable. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.
How very selfish they become...absolutely no regard for anyone but themselves!!
So am I going to call her and tell her it's going to be okay and that she can get through this? NO NO NO!
What she did is not okay, the using is not okay and I'm tired.
I AM OKAY. I really am! I see where my weaknesses are and it's not when she screws up,,,it's my guilt...I'm letting go of that...it's MY hopes and dreams for her healing and how that's going to take place....I'm letting go of that. I'm giving it to God...I'm letting go again.
She knows I love her...she knows i'll never stop praying for her.
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7284346 tn?1402242325
Oh my goodness! Beautiful Gayle, I am so sorry hear about the "new" escalated drama. It's incredibly insane... whether drugs or alcohol... the addicts behavior is driven by the substance not by their true self... somehow (as you very well know) she/he is so buried deep inside by now, we as parents can only pray God can reach inside and grab hold - while we step aside and get out of the way. Funny, I KNOW what I'm supposed to DO... it's the DOING it that's the HARD part!! :) sigh... I've been doing this soooo long.... did it with my ex too. God said, "Girl! Step OUT of MY way!! You are NOT MY Holy Spirit!" lol... Honey... that was something like 9 years ago! That's about the time I started this journey with my son...

Anyway... I digress. All that rambling to say, you are STRONG!! I see so much strength and courage and newly found wisdom in you just in the progression of  reading your posts... obviously, there will be times of struggle... this is your daughter we're talking about!! She owned your heart when you carried her in your arms from the bathtub and put her in her little footie pajamas... SO! If you don't handle every situation perfectly, give yourself a break!!! This truly is a ONE day at a time process. We will never get it just right... we can only do our best to TRY and be as healthy - make the healthiest choices - on this MOST UNHEALTHY life path... until our children are free.

I love what you said:
I see where my weaknesses are and it's not when she screws up,,,it's my guilt...I'm letting go of that...it's MY hopes and dreams for her healing and how that's going to take place....I'm letting go of that. I'm giving it to God...I'm letting go again.

This is amazing self-awareness. I so resonate with you on all of this. The letting go is a continual... CONSCIOUS - daily effort.  For me, it's not that I just give it over and then - Okay, I'm done. It's a continual giving over process. Each day, every day.  God is our strength and our source. The Grace who provides the way for us to find peace in all of this madness. I am SO grateful.  I am also so grateful for you Gayle. Truly.

Be blessed today lovely lady. Praying for you and yours. Just ONE day at a time.
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1235186 tn?1339127464
hello gayle, I wanted to check on you and see how you are doing?
I think of you very often and pray for the peace of GOD to rest upon each member of your family.
please take care of you and let GOD speak to and minister to your
daughter. I pray she surrenders her will and her life to HIM.
HE alone can satisfy.
much love,
Debbie
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5416308 tn?1409839408
Hi Debbie, thanks for your note and prayers, they mean a lot to me.
I am doing okay.

My daughter and her friend landed in San Diego now instead of San Francisco. They stayed in Missouri until his insurance claim for his car went through (she totaled it). They decided to continue on to California but not before one last stop to the hospital because she overdosed on bath salts. He's sticking with her thinking he can save her. They got an apartment with a 3 month lease.

I have spoken with her on the phone and its the same old thing just a different state now. I don't know if it makes it harder or easier for me now that she's so far away (if that makes any sense).

I sent her a card today... Just telling her how much I love her and that I hoped someday she will trust me and more importantly God enough to open up and be honest and receive healing. She may not "get it" yet or want to hear it but I had to say it. Even though I've said it a thousand times before. It's just as good for it me to write it as much as it is for her to hear it.

I know you asked how I am and I gave you the latest on my daughter. It's only because sometimes writing it out is "working it out" for me.

I am drawing closer to God. I've been able to get away by myself on Tuesday nights to go to my church and pray and that has been so wonderful!! I've been volunteering at my 4 yr olds art class bringing my 2 yr old with and that has been a blast. I've ordered a spiritual book that I've read parts of before...it's called "When The Well Runs Dry"...seems appropriate right? But I know it's going to help me grow even closer to God.

Thank you Debbie for your support and caring. I hope all is wonderful for you. You deserve it.
God bless
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7284346 tn?1402242325
Hi Gayle,
I was thinking of you today and wanted to check in to see how you are doing... I hadn't read your most recent post.

I just want you to know I am praying for you and your daughter. I pray your girl to have the eyes to see and ears to hear God's voice... that she will turn her face to Him. I pray for His protection and for her path to be made straight so she will become the testimony and witness she is created to be. I believe you are a woman of faith and prayer and perseverance and God does hear you my friend. As He hears me... This path can be so painful and my heart hurts for you mamma as I know the very real grief you go through for your daughter...

Praying for you to stay strong and as I know you continue to grow closer to God through this journey. Peace and comfort and wisdom to you honey.
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5416308 tn?1409839408
Hi there. Thanks for checking in...sometimes I need a "shove" to post anything when things are going downhill. I hope all is well with you.

Just to update....He had no choice but to kick her out last week. He thinks she is using meth now. Apparently she met some users and was disappearing for hours and then overnight.

I never thought i would worry about anything worse than heroin, but I am more worried about meth. At least with heroin the addict will still eat and rest, with meth i've heard that they can go days without eating or sleeping.

So I was jolted way back to my old behaviors. I found myself in a deep depression only finding enough energy to physically care for my little ones, but that's it. I was despondent for 3 complete days, i'm ashamed to admit.

I think the combination now of her being 2000 miles away and the revalation of the meth use was more than what I prepared for. I guess i need to prepare for the worst and I haven't been doing that. It makes me think of your question.."do you keep your hope in check?" I've been holding out hope for so long and things always seem to take a turn for the worst.

There were 2 days in my bout with hopelessness that no one knew where she was and it was that old familiar feeling of agony and despair...I could not accept that after all of my prayers and all of this pain that it would possibly come down to never knowing what happened to my daughter. Because of her being so close to Mexico my mind went haywire with scenerios of nightmares. All I could ask was "Why?"

So it IS the same old thing, just different location. She contacted her friend and she's agreed to go to treatment, but the clock is ticking. She's back in his apartment as of Sunday night but has to be out of there by Friday. She does have distant family in L.A. and my mother is is Beaumont...both are 2 hrs from San Diego. Of course my mother (her grandmother) won't take her in and her cousin in L.A. is a beginner in all of this and wants to save her, but I talked with her last night and I think she understood that the best thing for Jessica is treatment and to encourage that and not take her in.

I wish I could post that I have been strong and unphased by Jessicas choices, but i just wasn't. I wasn't. I have to be honest. I have to be honest with myself if i want to get better. When I think it can't get any worse than this...I find a new, undiscovered low that i didn't know existed.

So I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and despair. I did. I chose that and I am sorry. Obviously I'm better now because im here posting. So if I can't be an inspiration on remaining "healthy" in this nightmare, maybe I can at least help others who are like me feel not so alone.

I have not given up hope...even in my days of darkness, I managed to pull my head out of my butt (ha ha) long enough to pray each day. I may not have "felt it" at the time, but I continued to keep the line of communication open with God, and I know I would not have been able to get out of my despair without Him. Even though I was angry and despondent, I left the door cracked for God.

God bless you and thank your for checking in
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7284346 tn?1402242325
Oh honey... I HEAR you... I've been right where you are in so many ways... my son has been on the other side of this nation  - so far away from me - and in one moment it felt like a relief... in another moment I felt like would tear my hair out with worry. I so get it.

Today... I could use that "shove" you mention... or an arse kickin' or a somethin'... The feeling of defeat is a bit overbearing at times.  Perhaps we're not meant to muster up a false mask of strength for others when it's not really there? Perhaps we're meant to be transparent and authentic and raw.... I think we are.  It is by the grace of God that I can even stand today in any manner.  I'm doing the best I can for this day... and the best I've got today is getting my butt into work. That's all I have today.  That's what I can muster today AND THAT IS with God's strength!! Praise HIM!!!  Because ya know, if left to my own device I'd be at home under my sheets crying my eyes out and that's THE TRUTH!!!  The is ME WITHOUT a mask and completely transparent :)  Jesus is the ONLY way that I can sit here and put two words together and step out and do something really dumb... just sayin.

so... yeah... it's been a rough few days... lol.  I hear you lovely lady. Gayle you an amazing inspiration. Don't get down on yourself honey. You do not have to be anything that you are not. The fact that you can get yourself out of bed to take care of your little ones while you are fully grieving the life of your first born child... Girl!! You doing okay! It's okay to grieve... let's give ourselves permission to get down a little... allow OUR VERY BIG GOD to hold us in HIS loving arms and COMFORT US!!  We can let HIM just as we would do for our babes :) We can ALLOW this for ourselves!! This TOO is GOOD self-care... Authentic - honest... it's good. You're doing grreat mamma. ALL of what we go through and ALL of what we share can be healing to someone - I truly believe that.  Our struggles and our triumphs :) yeah?

Gotta heart for ya girlie. One of our dear friends called me a "Lifeboat partner" :) I just love that... that's what we are here. Lifeboat partners... Praying for you lovely to find some peace in all of this and for your beautiful daughter.  Praying for each one of us. May God continue to shine His light upon us and give us the measure we need for each challenge... Peace to you girl.
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5416308 tn?1409839408
It's been 3 months since I last posted and to go through the events that have transpired would take too long.

And as I sit here and try to think about what actually has happened I realize that it doesn't really matter....the events, the worry, the pain they have caused....what matters is that Jessica is still alive and that there is still hope. What matters is today....not yesterday or tomorrow.

I know I will have my moments of sadness, but I will also have my moments of peace, and maybe even joy....I'll let all those feelings happen when they happen...when they are appropriate to the situation at hand.

I will at least update that she is still with her boyfriend, still in San Diego, and still using heroin. He wants to help her but ends up enabling her most of the time. He's started seeing a counselor and does go to nar-anon meetings occasionally.

They have a pattern...she takes off...leaves for a day or two, maybe three...calls him...wants to come back...he takes her back because he can't stand not knowing if she's okay (and frankly neither can I). He reminds me of myself. He has leaned on me for support and that has been difficult because it brought also pain and worry. Now he calls a lot less because he says that he knows it puts me on an emotional roller coaster and that makes him feel bad. He does not call and "report" every time she takes off like he used to and I appreciate that.

She has kept in contact with me...somewhat. There was a period of time in there where she didn't call me for weeks but I was at least kept updated that she was okay by her boyfriend and cousin in L. A. whom she has been confiding in.

As of last night, she called and said she was going to try to get to a treatment center. She has an abscess on her forearm (second one in 2 weeks) and was going to he hospital to get checked out. Meanwhile, after watching an episode of good 'ole Dr. Phil....(one of his many addiction story episodes) I called a number posted on his website... sounds silly....I know...I left a message...I doubt anything will come of it....just had to do what felt right at the time.

As for me...I'm doing okay. Thanking God for each day, and He's blessed me with some good ones too! I just have to keep my eyes open so I can recognize them!!

I decided to get off my butt and start some projects to keep me busy physically and mentally. I was in a rut...so I put down the bag of double-stuffed oreo's (my best friend this past winter...ha ha) and decided to dig into some projects I've been putting off for years!. I re-modeled my bathroom, painted my hallway and am tackling other home-improvement projects (which I love to do btw). We have an old house (over 110 years old) that we bought almost 10 years ago with the intention of completely re-modeling / re-storing it...(boy... were we naïve!!!...didn't know life was about to get serious!!). I am doing what I love to do! My passion...re-storing, designing, decorating...I'm loving it and having so much fun doing it!

My little ones are doing great! Thankfully they play so well together and keep each other entertained allowing me to work on my projects. My 4yr old is now 5 and will start kindergarten this fall and that in itself is going to add to my to-do list...that's a good thing too because I am the type of person that does need a "shove" from time to time to get moving and keep busy, otherwise I tend to fall into a rut...especially in the winter months!

I keep all the parents who post on this site in my thoughts and prayers daily! I keep All of our children and families in my thoughts and prayers too! God is Good!
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3197167 tn?1348972206
Oh sweet thang......thank you SO MUCH for your update.  
I love it that you are growing and doing what you love to do.  Being creative and artistic is a gift I'm not sure I have...hahaha!  What a blessing to have a home 110 yrs old??  I know it's A LOT of work....but the architecture alone makes it a more than pleasant cocoon, eh?  

Your wee ones are growing up too and have each other as buddies...I love hearing that as I have many sisters, but one is 18 mos older than I and we were complete opposites....but such buddies as children.....then not so much thru high school...than HUGE buddies now.  She has MS and I help her as much as she helps me.  Our souls are connected and your two wee ones will be the same way as they grow up.

I'm so glad to read that Jessica is still alive.....if you've been hanging on for as many yrs as some of us have.....just knowing they are still alive is a blessing for us.  My loved one is back in federal prison but gets out in October....then the real life challenges begin again.  Will he actually "walk the walk"????  We shall see.  We've (our family) has been hoping for 15 yrs now.....only time will tell, eh?

I pray Jessica "gets it" soon.....you are always in my prayers little creative Mama.......thank you for your update......our journeys are connected....and so are our hearts~
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7284346 tn?1402242325
Girl~!!!
It's so good to see you hear!! Oh I have missed you.

Thank you so much for the update on you and Jessica. What a journey, eh honey? Oye vey. You sound well friend.... mmm... healthy.  I know heartache is always there... but the not getting so stuck in it is healthy.  

I'm so sorry to hear Jessica is still actively in her addiction, but I am glad to hear she may be looking to get into a recovery program. I will be standing in prayer for that honey.  It sounds like she has a real advocate in her boyfriend... I hope he continues to go to those meetings!! For his sake and hers... one day, she will get sick and tired of being sick and tired and she will make the head change. I believe that dear friend. My son too. I will keep praying and keep hoping :).  They are alive today and we can stand in that HOPE Praise God!! Praise God HE is in control and WE are not... and we do NOT have to be... what a relief... what a peace there is in that, right?  While there is still a grieving in our hearts for our child... for their life right now... we can REST in HIM and we are comforted in through the grief.

Ryne is just now in a rehab program.  He's been there for one week. :) I'm feeling pretty hopeful. ONE day at a time girl!! God is in control... Ryne's journey not mine.

So Gayle! You're amazing!! It's so cool ALL you're doing in your home!! Yay! I love it :) wow... I'm clean_in_KS... what a treat to have a home 110 years old!! lol... okay... it's all about perspective! ha!  I'm sure it's a ton of work, but how cool is that!!  You have to post some pictures girlie!!  I would LOVE to see some of your handywork... may I just say how very proud of you I am? You are doing so well.  What an inspiration you have been for me... when I first came here, you were one of those that reached out to me and we connected and YOU helped me to get better!!  Thank YOU for that!  So so happy to see you keep at your healthy boundaries... love it. love you girl.  

Can't believe the little one's are growing up so fast... crazy to think one is starting kindergarten!!! wow ! too fast! but fun... so many fun things come along with all that... you will be busy with school things and that too is all good.  I'm happy for you gayle. Happy you're keepin' on with YOU in the healthiest way you can... even through the pain  of Jessica... she will never leave your heart. I know that girl. She is still your girl... she is still your heart.... but you can still move forward even still and this is good... THAT my dear friend is ALL God moving in you and through you. What a good and merciful God we have!!

Keep coming back to update us honey!! SO loving hearing from YOU!!!! Just love ya girlie... you are an inspiration to me.
Praying for Jessica continually!!! HUGS
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5416308 tn?1409839408
I am feeling very alone today and just missing my daughter. It's just one of those days. I just have the need to express how I'm feeling.

I had a memory pop in my head today...a song I haven't heard in a while...I was taken back with emotion thinking about one of the treatment centers she went to in southern Illinois when she was 16. The center was 3 hours away and I would drive there almost every Sunday for only a 2-4 hour visit. The drive there was okay but I hated the drive back. I had 6 hours of driving (there and back) to think about her, myself and how I wish things were different. I beat myself up a lot too. I cried so much on those drives. She was so far away and I wished it didn't have to be that way. Now she's in California...so very far and she's not well at all. She hasn't yet gone to a treatment center. She did get the abscess in her arm treated. Her boyfriend has kicked her out. I haven't spoken to her in 2 weeks. She called from an unknown number last Sunday but I missed her call...she left a message...I could hear traffic in the background.

I have been doing okay dealing with this in general. I am just missing her terribly today. I'm just having a hard day. I just want to get to her....hold her...see her...tell her how much I love her and miss her... My heart is aching.
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7284346 tn?1402242325
oh my sweet dear friend~
My heart aches for you honey... I can so feel your heart!!! Oh how I wish I could reach through this computer and just give you a BIG hug!!!

I'll take the oars today honey... okay? You rest your arms... with the strength of God and His grace and tremendous mercy... I can row the boat... you just REST in HIS arms today...

Lifting you in prayer Gayle and your precious daughter. I am so sorry you're struggling to today... sorry to hear she's still out there struggling... sorry you missed her call... I do so KNOW how that feels... not too long ago went through precisely that... sigh... crying for your aching heart momma.  I began praying to God: Lord, direct his path... i don't want to hear from him until he's truly ready... UGH... and then I kept missing his calls!!! I'm like-- really?? Argh! Lord, I take it back... lol... uh... mmk... God you always know best. YOU are in control...

Sweet Gayle ~ I just want you to know I believe Jessica will have her victory!! Just as I fully believe Ryne will. God has a PLAN and a PURPOSE for every one of our tears and every one of their hardships!!  What the enemy has meant for their harm GOD means for their GOOD!!  Jessica WILL have her healing - she will get sick and tired - and find her path of recovery!  These children of ours are blessed to be loved by a GRACIOUS and HOLY God who LOVES them even more than WE can ask or THINK my dear dear friend... Jessica and Ryne were loving and uniquely created for HIS purpose and they WILL walk that out in HIS perfect timing... I believe this with ALL my heart and every fiber of my BEING!  Praise God for His faithfulness to fulfill what He has already begun... our babes our living walking testimonies for the Kingdom of God and we are just waiting for the manifestation of that Glory.

My Lifeboat partner... May the God of ALL creation surround you with His unfailing LOVE and comfort and PEACE... may He mend your broken heart and heal your grieving spirit.

It's okay to have a bad dear one. So glad you're here. So glad you didn't stay alone in your pain.   I love you honey.

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5416308 tn?1409839408
My daughter is now officially homeless and using somewhere in San Diego. Her boyfriend got his life together and got a great job in San Francisco (the original destination) and told her she cannot come with him. He dropped her off at the San Diego rescue mission about 3 weeks ago on his way and she never went in. She called me over a week ago from a motel 6 in National City of course promising to call me later but I haven't heard from her since. She gave me an e mail address and i sent her numbers but she hasn't responded at all. I have no phone number...nothing....no way to know where she is...my only hope is that she'll show up for her court date tomorrow. That's it but my gut tells me she won't. I almost don't want to call because I'm afraid of what I'll find out.

So I'll keep praying as I always do even though it is terrifying at times...I get waves of emotion that come over me so strong

I guess I will have to learn how to live with this open wound for now. Just accept this "station" in life. Learn to cope...it's a lot...and I often ask why. I pray I'll know the answer some day.
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3197167 tn?1348972206
Thank you for coming back and updating us, Gayle.  I was just thinking about you yesterday.  It's been another 2 months since you posted and it's really good to hear from you!  It is so, so heartbreaking to hear that Jessica is still out there using.....sounds like she may be getting closer and closer to "coming to the end of herself".   Her boyfriend getting into counseling and attending Nar-anon surely helped him to realize his enabling was only hurting her and making HIM sicker, too.  There may just be some progress now that she doesn't have him to fall back on and cushion her circumstances.  It took a lot of courage for him to go on to SF w/o her....but he did good realizing NOTHING he or anyone else does will give Jessica the desire to set herself free from her addiction.  I realize she has had NUMEROUS painful circumstances all these years....but she's always had at least ONE person to cushion her reality, give her a ride, a car, some $, bring her dope in the hospital, get her into yet another treatment center, on and on.
My prayer is that she will reach the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It's so easy for me (or many of us) to take the addict's/alcoholic's struggles onto myself and feel that I should be able to do something about them.
But I have learned thru Al-Anon (reading daily literature EVERY DAY and meetings, online forums, etc.) that slipping into that mindset simply cripples me and makes me sick inside.  The first step "admitted we were powerless".....is something I need to remind myself over and over each day.  I am not God....and I don't have the power to "make", "change", or "love someone enough" to get them clean or desire a life of recovery for themselves.  
We know that addiction can end 4 ways:  jails, another institution, death or in recovery.  The addict MUST be the one to say "enough is enough".  Our hearts cry out....we of course worry of them dying on the street.....but we have NO CONTROL.....and need to trust that God loves them WAY more than we ever could.  He hears our cries....and He knows what it takes for each and every person on this Earth to turn to Him and sincerely ask for help.
The Footprints Poem that is in my bathroom is one I read today and thought of you and precious Jessica.  Wanna read it?  Here ya go:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream...
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and
Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way;
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why in times when I
needed you the most, you should leave me.
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious
child. I love you, and I would never,
never leave you during your times of
trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

He is carrying YOU.....and He is also carrying Jessica~

I will continue to hold you close, Gayle.  And will pray for Jessica too.  Loving an addict is one of the most painful experiences I've ever had to experience in my life.  I hope you are getting some kind of support, Gayle.  We cannot do this alone anymore than the addict can.
Love and hugs to you~
Connie
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1530493 tn?1410060236
Oh My...I just found your story.
Ive cried for the last hour reading it.

Honey...YOUR making GREAT Progress, and you have EXCELLENT support here with all the right answers given to you.
Debbie, she was my strength too, a long over due Thank You to you Deb !!
Our Canadian friends :)...I couldn't have done it without mine !!!
I found one 4 years ago who has listened to me for probably a 1000+ hours, still does:)  
While I had to make my own choices I had non stop never ending support.  The times I thought of ending my own life, because of the unbearable pain...I was talked back to life.
I will be Forever Grateful to have found such a special love from a total stranger.
Support is what we need most...your finding it here.
Don't EVER let yourself feel alone
I also deeply connected with one mom here...we were in the same spot at the same time.  We found peace, strength and courage in each other. Something about the friendships you build here out of shear pain some how turn into relationships like no other in life.
I know you read my story and I believe I mentioned the mom I met.  We tried everything you have, that we all have.
Honey both our kids are clean...2 years.  Her daughter did it a month ahead of my son and both are living life.  We were both in your spot...right down to the horrifying thought of them taking their lives.
I would like to add a bit more advice here.  I will never tell to do this I just want you to know what we did.
I too each time I let my son in my life HAD to tell him he was my world...how deeply I loved him.  We did all the emotions you describe, anger, fear and LOVE.  I needed him to know what ever could possibly happen either to he or I....there would always be deep love between us
He Thrived on that love, so did her daughter...KNOWING we would go to the end of the earth for them.
The night I TOTALLY let my son go, was the hardest night of my life, but I also felt the biggest calm wash over me.
I do believe God gave me something that night.
That night...My son also told me, like your daughter, that he held in his hand enough heroin to not wake up.  
I hurt so bad at this point...I truly only wanted peace for him...for us.  
He kept telling me I love you mom...Im So Sorry.
I couldn't respond..it was the FIRST time in his addicted life I didn't tell him I loved him, I couldn't...it certainly wasn't because I didn't, I just couldn't bring myself to say those words.
They ARE master manipulators of the heart, without us even knowing.
Honey...he turned the corner that night.
About a week later he came home clean.
It was awhile before we were able to talk openly.  I was afraid to bring up anything relating to drugs...but the day we did, it was a conversation that sank deep.
His words to me...after so many thank yous were words I will never forget.  They came clear out of the blue, and only 6 words.
"I didn't want to die alone "
Im not saying this is the answer...it could have very possibly gone in the opposite direction...but deep in my heart to this day...I feel it WAS all about love, for he and I.
I nearly loved him to death.
Our fear is losing the love of our children, it only grows stronger, deeper when they come to the other side...
The mom that did it with me...we followed in each others foot steps...every step of the way.
STAY STRONG...YOU CAN bring her home <3
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5416308 tn?1409839408
Thank you Connie and Deb for your loving, supportive words. They brought tears to my eyes.

I posted a picture of Jessica and I (taken 19 years ago). It was southern California we were visiting...I keep this picture in my prayer book. It is a perfect depiction of how I feel....especially now.

I know I can't save her...and I know that God is watching over her now.

Connie, thank you for the footprints poem...now when I look at that photo I'll remember that God is there to carry her.

Thank you both so very much
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5416308 tn?1409839408
I'm so scared. She did call about a week ago...then sent an email the next day saying she'd be calling me soon from a treatment center. She said she has hit bottom and that she loves me and wants to be in my life. She said there was a bed ready for her but the first question they asked her was if she had any open wounds and apparently she had another abscess lanced at the hospital the night before...she said one would open up in a couple of days.

I feel paralyzed ...I did not respond to the e mail. I'm waiting to see if she's serious...I have the number that she called from too and I haven't called it.

I've got a bad feeling in my gut....I don't know why...I'm so so scared...why do I have this feeling?...I'm so scared
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Hi ...my name is Katie and I was somehow bored this evening and somehow someway was accidentally taken to this website and started reading about it. I saw there was an addiction button lol I clicked on it and I started reading your story from the top. I grew up in a great household and my parents have just celebrated their 39th year of marriage. You remind me soo much of my mother. She is the absolute most sweetest ladies ever in the entire world and has done nothing but try to help me since she had first found out I was using heroin. I just want you to know that I am praying for you and if you have any questions(even personal or questions about the using) I am here. I have been using for almost 7 years and have been to treatment 13 times. I really thought i had it soo many times and really I think the mental part of it takes me back every time into using again. I just wanted you to know I know my mother tells me she mourned my loss and I they have cut me off completely about a year ago. They gave one last attempt and I got clean for almost 80 days and went to a sober house after treatment this time instead of coming home. It was very strange to me. I grew up in a middle class household where to be honest we never needed for a thing. But, my family begged me to go and finally try something different. Even after all that detox and rehab clean time one day I just woke up and got hi. For no damn reason. Just know this much....I can guarantee your daughter is laying in  a bed right now no matter where she is!, thinking about how much she loves you and wishes everything could just be over. I KNOW IT SOUNDS REDICIOULIS coming from a addict myself but ppl who don't use just don't get it. They ask " why cantw e just stop then?" It just ***** and I know she loves you. Please don't give up on her. I miss my mom and dad every single day and regret every single decision I have made and am making. I hope I can do this I am going to be going back into rehab next week. I will pray for you and her. PLESE pry for me....
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5416308 tn?1409839408
Katie... Thank you so much for your post! I am deeply touched by your sharing and I will keep you in my prayers.
I believe the biggest obstacle in dealing with addiction is trusting in God. Whether it be the addict or the person who loves them...letting Him carry us through even the most painful times. It's what I find the most hard to do sometimes...to get out of the way so that He can do His work. Trusting that whatever outcome will be, He will give me the strength I need. Trusting that He has a plan.

I'm holding on...I'll never give up on my daughter. It's just so frightening... The unknown...I want to know if she's okay...where she is.

I'll pray for you, Katie...you already have a special place in my heart. Please put your trust in God...He has been carrying you...You have been an instrument of hope for me...looking back on all my posts...I can see that he's carried me too

God Bless you!!
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1530493 tn?1410060236
The last posts I read from you both spoke a million words.  
You are both so close...
I too am saying a prayer, that peace finds your hearts very soon.
Gayle everything Katie said to you...Ive heard from my son.  
Reading her words...what an amazing woman you are Katie.
Were all addicted, be it love of our child or love of the drug.  
While yes, we as parents will never understand the drug addiction side unless we live it, on the flip side.. our drug addicted child will never understand the addiction of the love of our child, unless they live it.  
We're all fighting the same painful battle.
Why cant we give it up ??
Your daughter does love you very much gayle, she struggles as hard as you.
Katie the same goes for you, your parents didn't give up on you...it isn't possible.  Their love is deep.  
It takes deep love to let addiction go.
Your parents did all they knew how, the only course of action they had left was letting their addiction go in hopes that it would be enough love for you to let your addiction go.  
Katie...you did 80 days...that's huge !!!  
You did it once, you will do it again.  
Your post is deeply heart touching, I could feel from your words your not done fighting your battle...I believe your out to win.
Gayle and Katie...Believe you can do it....God will help you find the way
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5416308 tn?1409839408
SHE CHECKED INTO DETOX YESTERDAY!!!! I am so happy!!! I know not to get ahead of myself....but I AM SO HAPPY FOR THIS MOMENT!!!! Even if it's not going to be "the time it worked"....no matter what---it's a step!!!! and I'm THANKING GOD FOR THIS!!!!

She had been sleeping in a friends truck and a neighbor noticed and befriended her to see what was going on with her....turns out the neighbor is in recovery....(meth) 3 years.....this woman helped her and took her to the detox facility and even stayed and helped her with the paper work. God does put angels among us!!!! It makes me cry!!!

I have been trying my hardest to not give Jessica "consolation" while she continues to use...I told her I wasn't going to hold her hand while she destroys her life....I have caved in a couple of times....I did end up sending her an e-mail when I didn't hear anything for a while....then she did call twice and when she did I kept it short and to the point the first time....the second time I engaged in a heart to heart but remained firm and didn't let my emotions control my words....She sent me a couple of texts (she managed to get a phone from someone)....the texts were like hugs to me....nothing but love in them....a little manipulation too because of course she wanted my affection and attention. She told me that when she thinks about the meaning of love she thinks about me.....makes me cry every time I think about it. She said she understood what I was doing and remained respectful about it this time....She was different....I was different.

I see soooooo much goodness and compassion in her.....of course I'm her mother.....but if she does this...RECOVER....the potential for her to help others just by her testimony alone is great.

I know, I know....one day at a time....I'm just thankful for this moment.

God Bless All of You!!!
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1235186 tn?1339127464
oh huni I am sooo happy to read this. you are doing so good.
yes be thankful for this moment. thank you LORD. YOU are our fortress and our strong tower. we will continue to believe and trust in you.

it is ok to give them the reassurance that we love them and will always love them but that the relationship has to be different when they are still using. we just need to also affirm that we cant and wont continue to enable them.

the neighbor was just who Jessica needed. someone who had been where she was, and was able to reach out and take Jessica by the hand to lead her.
GOD doesn't give up on our loved ones, HE just patiently waits until they take the step towards HIM and HE is always there waiting with open arms.

oh I pray that this time she is so sick and tired of being sick and tired. that she yields her way, her life, her heart to HIM. HE is able to do great and mighty things.
I pray she surrenders to the process and does what it takes to be healed, restored and will continue to walk the road called recovery.

make sure you continue to take care of you. I am so proud of you.
I am thankful I could be here to share in your good news.
continued prayers for you all,
keep the faith,
remember there is always hope,
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1530493 tn?1410060236
                                          "Angels Among Us"...
                                             Yes they are <3

I know how you've suffered...
Still a long road ahead, but I believe Jessica's Angel touched her

Like Deb above said, the neighbor...the right people at the right time.

Jessica did this, and you helped her, by doing what you did.
Remember that OK :)

I cant tell you what I felt when I read this post...but I don't need to because you feel it too.
It Took my breath away...
she was teetering, you just needed the strength, You found it.

Im So PROUD of YOU
Im So PROUD of Jessica
It all happened the way it needed to, It had to come from her.

Yes one day at a time now, You've learned your role.

I pray for you, Your family, For Jessica, that this will be the first day of the rest of her new life
Every rehab, every detox...its one step closer

You made my day !!!!!
Rest now Sweetie...You SOOO deserve it
HUGS...BIG HUGS to YOU :)
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3197167 tn?1348972206
WAHOOOOOOOO!!  Isn't this just a "God Deal"???????

I am dancing with delight for/with you Gayle.....let your heart soar....it's PROGRESS......and God has ALL the broken pieces....He knows how to put them back together and make them SHINE☼

I was so jazzed to see your post!!!!  I will continue to pray for Jessica....for you.....and for all the lives that will touch your precious daughter's.

I actually sang to myself...♫♫Praise God from Whom ALL Blessings Flow♫

Every good and perfect gift is from Above....

My sweet gson got out of federal prison 2 weeks ago today....he has vanished.....but I will never stop believing a change is gonna come~

H O P E
Hang
On
Pain
Ends

Sending you love and prayers, Gayle~
Connie
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1530493 tn?1410060236

HANG ON PAIN ENDS

~~~~HOPE~~~~

That's AWESOME Connie !!!! :)
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1530493 tn?1410060236
Connie

Your Grandson....Never Give Up !!
HOPE...YOU said it all...

Prayers also to you.....
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5416308 tn?1409839408
It's been a while since I've posted so here is the update...Well, she left the next day...I didn't find out until her birthday when she sent me a text and I knew she shouldn't have had her phone.

So it was not to be this time but at least she made a concerted effort to change.

She ended up in the hospital for two days with four abscesses in her arms but no infection in her blood stream so they gave her a prescription for antibiotics and released her.

So things are pretty much the way they were before she went in to detox. I think she's found someone to "help" her and I think she has a place to stay.

So that's that for now....I'm okay and I'm not crushed and haven't been...just a little deflated...I still have hope and I'm not letting go of that.
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1530493 tn?1410060236
Hi Gayle...so glad to see you here..youve been in my thought and prayers daily.  
I understand the not wanting to talk thing...just know Im here when and if you need.
Im sorry this time didn't work out...I still feel...each detox, each attempt, is one time closer.
Im glad your not crushed...your gaining the strength it takes.

The "help" thing only lasts so long...
Always keep hope and faith

Stay close...were here for you

((((HUGS))))

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