Im confused...you sent that to him while he was lying on your couch? I think it was good, but I think you're unnecessarily repeating yourself over and over. I think you've made yourself crystal clear.
If he's ill, I think it's fine that he rests until rehab time...but then he should go back to his brother's. I said before, that I think his visits are a bit TOO frequent, it's confusing a lot of the issues. I'm sure the baby is confused too.
I don't know...I'm certainly not saying to push him away, I just think it was too much, too fast...and I'm not sure how you handle that at this point. He definitely seems like he's squeezing his way back in....I just pray he's doing that for the right reasons, and not to get you to budge. Only time will tell on that.
Could you let him stay until the appt time? I think that's reasonable, and then he can go back to his brother's house. I'm sure he knows he can't just insinuate himself in to the house...right? LOL. Or maybe he thinks he can! Well, he can't. That would take a huge discussion, face to face, and you're not ready for that.
And by the way honey bunny, I was NOT trying to tell you to take him back in the house. I wanted to know what you were THINKING, where your head was about all of it. I hear you and I understand. All situations are unique and I don't think anyone can tell you what to do in that regard. One thing is for certain, you can't do something that would make you miserable and uncomfortable and you shouldn't.
Does he have a fever? Is he drinking? Fluids I mean, like Gatorade or juices?
hi you guys....so yeah...he wanted to talk about that email....and i basically reiterated what i said in the email....he was very humble....as he should be after all he has done. why didnt i have this strength a year ago? oh well...i do now, right? he said he wanted to do whatever it took to get himself well...and that more than anything he wanted to be home with me and the baby. he laid his passwords to everything out. he told me that when i go in his phone..or check history...there may be text messages in there from someone saying....
"hey man, i have some good sh%t." hmmm...so that explains why he was so worried about me seeing those phone records....i think one of you said the same thing too. he said he wants to be fully transparent.
he said that being here with me and the baby only makes him want to be here even more...he says that he just wants to be here home with me and the baby, working his recovery....he will do anything it takes to do that.
gosh...this is SO HARD.
yes, he is sick...but much better. rehab is at 6.
i am making a chicken...you know i have to cook to keep my mind occupied. and throw myself into my job. i am a computer analyst..and my bosses...are like..."wow....you are really going above and beyond!" lol....if only they knew why....
vic...you made me think about the same things that my therapist asked me to think about. basically...be honest with myself...and dont play games with ME. i know what you mean about every situation being different. i do. i had to think about what it is i am trying to accomplish. i dont want to be a doormat..and i think i have accompished that. he knows i will not allow it. my email says it all...and i told you that we discussed what i had to say. he was humbled.
i do want him home. i do. but i need more time before it is "official." i need to see him continuing to work the program...and honor those boundaries....earning his way back home. and for me, he does not need to be out of the house until the program is over. no. if he is doing well....and taking care of business, he can be home...and continue his program/recovery. i am going to be honest about that. that is the direction i am going.
but, right now....i am not ready for his car to be packed with all of his things being moved back in...lol. not yet.
honestly you guys...i dont think i could last a really long time with him wanting to come home all the time....and me saying no...and him trying harder and harder. you know?
but before that can happen...i need to work on me. i have so much anger...and the mind movies of the cheating are still there. they just are. and he cant move back here with me having those all the time. i need to work through that resentment...becasue it is still raw and runs deep. there is nothing scarier than a woman scorned...right?
my pastor on the other hand is screaming..."let him come home and you support his recovery and rebuild the marriage while he is home with you." but i dont listen to him. in due time..,,right?
one little "trick" my therapist told me to do when i have the mind movies is ask myself..."so....what is this doing for you right now? how is this making you happy?" she said keep doing that all the time...and eventually i will start to believe it. she said that it is pure torture. she also told me to do this..."when you think about this supposedly "love affair" that you imagine they had...think about how she would feel knowing he was begging to come home to you and the baby...and wanting to have a future with you. think about how even after you threw him out, never called him, he went to jail, and thought he lost you...how he still wants to come home. he had every opportunity to be with her or any other woman...and he wants to come home when the odds are stacked against him. think about how any "other" woman on the side would feel about that."
Very interesting. Bottom line is this: he loves YOU! Don't forget that; he makes it very obvious.
Yes, you're thinking...and I understand about those awful images...and he's being very patient and waiting for you. It's hard and you need a little more time and I can believe its just torture for you to have him almost begging to come back to the house...very difficult Honey...I think you're headed in the right direction, though!
I'm staring back on the thread starting with Optimus and I have to say that this is a fine perception of what's going on with you. The fact is Rudy was not getting support anywhere else or from anyone else, but by you. Yes, he could have opted to bask in the enabling (for a lot longer) but chose to take the right path, and it is no small measure of importance that he chose you, he chose sobriety over enabling. He respects you for being so invested in your marriage, regardless of the circumstances, (the first time that he became accountable for his addiction and spilled about the adultery) and this is ALL so positive.
I remember vividly the conversation that took place in your car on the way home from his first appointment. I remember the anger he was displaying. It is far too early IMO to even consider having him home.
Listen to me girl, you are doing all of this yourself, with the help of a therapist. Rudy, is getting his support also from professionals. You must know that you have your best interests at heart, and i know that it is wonderful to have people here that care so much for you, but, you are handling the situation perfectly well.
I don't care if Rudy was on the couch when you wrote an email. Yes, he read it and humbled himself to talk to you. That's perfect. It couldn't have been any better than how it played out. Take pride in your instincts!!!
You're afraid to look him in the eye and jumping into bed with him, i know there's shame involved, but there is also a very strong draw for the both of you to end this consequence and make things better, physically. IMO I think that's what you are worried about, and as I've said , i missed plenty of rehab appointments looking the love of my life in the eye, getting over any hurdles without proper steps being taken, and landing in bed. It's the reason for many couples to get back together right?
You need to keep your boundaries, very clearly. "What's stopping you from having Rudy come home?" I had my husband leave my sight for 90 days, when the same deviant behavior Miller. You've been so generous with Rudy. You've said that you feel that you "need to work on me", you're not threatening his sobriety by dating an old college friend, for goodness sakes. You're opening your home to him 3X + per week and attending spousal meetings with him. You are "separated", exactly IMO what should be happening right now.
This is NOT what is best for Rudy, this is about what's best for YOU!! Because when you look after you, then you're looking after your marriage. Rudy knows this. Now it's time for him to prove to you that he's willing to put in as much as you've been putting in a long. It's going to take some time for him to know, and for you to know, that this is not a knee jerk reaction, his "wanting his family".
It could take 3 months, it could take 6 months, it could take a year for you to want to see Rudy coming home wit a car load of "stuff". He needs to first prove to you he's serious and he doesn't want his sobriety for now, for a few months, he wants his sobriety (and you and his son) for a life time. Second, he needs to prove that he CAN manage sobriety at all. Can he manage his sobriety when things are not going all his way (and he's at his brothers) Cuz I sure did , I sure did want my family and my sobriety and it took as long as it took. Me, it was two years blood and urine testing every second day for two years, that i initiated, along with rehab, aftercare, getting a job, and buying a house. You are NOT being hard on Rudy. I'm concerned that Rudy is being hard on you. You need to be looked after here, you're the victim, you and your son.
Rudy can take ALL of what you dish out (for all the right reasons) and so much more to DESERVE YOUR FAMILY LIFE AND YOUR LIFE.
Ive been following this from the first post and want to say be sure of yourself. You have been terribly hurt and i really understand what your going through as have been through it myself. I noticed that in the begining he was not in contact with you and you wanted to let him know how much he has hurt you. Even in all the other posts you keep mentioning this and re-stating all your requirements to make this work. Since he is back in contact you still mention your hurt to him. Its as if you want him around to let him know what a terrible thing he has done. Lets say he goes through all the treatments and gets back to being a husband. What about when its time for intimacy and he is with you looking down eye to eye. Have you considered this moment. Im not bringing this up to make you feel worse but its something that will come up.
I think that some great questions have been introduced into this thread...very difficult ones, but very important. You have grown so much since you came here for the first time, and you have made such great strides to being a stronger person. You are very angry still...I feel it when I read your words...I almost hear it when I read the email you wrote to him. You ARE trying to punish him...at least that is what I feel when I read it. Like nurse said, you have told him all of the things in that email now many times. Now is the time to hope that he heard it, that he understands it, and that he will respect you and your feelings. He knows your terms, he knows how angry you are. Now you have to wait and see what he does with it. You are not a doormat when you let him visit, no matter how frequent it is. I think I'm trying to say that you don't have to keep telling him, because plain and simple, you are not a doormat...and if he does do anything wrong or inappropriate, you will SHOW him that you are not a doormat. Because you are still not at a point of trust with him, and you still do not know how this will all turn out in the end, you feel like you have to keep warning him that you will not stand for any wrongdoing on his part... I think that if you can start feeling more secure in yourself, you may be able to just "let the cards fall as they may"...I think that relates to what your therapist and vicki were saying. I think addressing questions like these will help you address your anger and resentment, and then hopefully move you to a better place from there. you of course will still be hurt and upset, but I would think that the anger is an added stress that you would be so relieved to push aside.
I don't think anyone was suggesting that just because he's spending more time at home, that you should just decide right away to welcome him home. But I do think that there is some wavering back and forth in your feelings and what you want, and that is confusing for you, for him, for the baby, and probably for some of us here. I understand WHY you are wavering back and forth...you love him.... but you are hurt and angry... I also agree with above that maybe the frequent visits were too much too soon, because you ARE still so angry. I think you are blindsided by feeling positive feelings toward him because you have only felt negatively about him for so long/ I know that you feel if you "give in" and start progressing your relationship in any way, that it will make you seem less strong, but you ARE strong...and you will deal with things as they come up in a stronger way. You don\t have to worry that someone will not think of you as strong, because you will prove it in your actions...in how you react to things as they happen...It will be your actions that really show people how stong you have become.
When you wrote "i do want him home. i do. but i need more time before it is "official." i need to see him continuing to work the program...and honor those boundaries....earning his way back home. and for me, he does not need to be out of the house until the program is over. no. if he is doing well....and taking care of business, he can be home...and continue his program/recovery. i am going to be honest about that. that is the direction i am going.".......
I think that sounds very reasonable...does he know that yet? If he did, it may appease him and might halt his questions about things like whether or not you are happy he is helping or spending time at home and stuff. That way, you can stop thinking about the "when" and just know that "if" things work out the way that they need to, he will be coming home. And leave it at that...no need to revisit the other side of it, like the "if nots"...cross those when and if you get to them...you are able and prepared. It's ok to let him inside a little bit, knowing that you will always have a little armour on for the time being.
As far as the "mind movies"....for me, I had them mostly when my husband was gone, and not as much when he was here....(he is gone a lot for work). I would think about it ALL the time when he was gone, but when he was home, I wouldn't...and I would hate when he would have to leave for work, not because I thought he'd go do something, but because I knew that I would be thinking abt--hell. This was after some time had gone by, so not during the first few weeks...the first few weeks I could think of nothing else, and was a mess. Your therapist has given you some good advice to try to help you with that.
You are in a very difficult situation, and you are dealing with things that you knew nothing about a few short months ago. I think that you will learn more about his addiction, and addiction in general, when you participate in treatment. I think that you may learn some things that will help you make decisions and feel better about them...like you will learn when to start focussing on certain things, and when to leave it for a different time.
I really am so impressed with the all of the advice being given on this thread...it's sort of like a quilt that is being patched together...some similar and some different views and opinions, but none that are wrong...and they all work together to provide comfort for you and for all of us really....we are all learning from your experience and from each other here:)
it's ok to let him help...you helped him when he was sick. u love him. it's normal and natural to allow him to help...it won't change anything too much. I hope you are able to rest...I am so sorry that you are ill...it's so hard being that way and having your child sick too...ugh, it *****. Take lots of time, we will all be here when you get back:)
I'm so sorry mama to hear that you're sick, and the baby too, it's good to know you're being looked after, it's as it should be honey.......nothing is going to change until you want it too, unless you're good and ready, rest easy my friend you have a great therapist who understands your situation so well, everything's going to be okay, no matter which way the cards fall, you are on the mend psychologically...like the physical body, your mind takes time, and takes all the time that you need......everything's going to be alright.....feel better.....
hi there...i am feeling a little better...i have that feeling like i am going to throw up...but it is a little better. my baby is doing better. my husband is acting like "mr mom" taking care of us both while we are sick..i am letting him. dont have the energy to say no....and i really dont want to in a way, you know?
last night was rehab. i have not asked how it went. not sure if i am suppose to. i do know that when he came to take care of us...afterwards...he seemed really quiet...like he didnt have anything to say. should i be asking what they talked about? i guess the first hour was him meeting with the a therapist...and the rest was with the other people i think. i am so curious...but i am not sure if i should be talking to him about that now? i can barely talk to him about my feelings....about me and him....and i guess i am not sure if i should be talking to him about what they talked about. what do you think? tomorrow is the family meeting. i am really nervous about that...it seems SO REAL now....with me going to the family meeting. not sure what to expect.
did i mention that he gave me the passwords to his phone. he told me that there might be a text in there that might come through from someone saying..."hey man....i have some good sh%t". wow. like i mentioned....that is obviously one of the main reasons he didnt want me to see those phone records.
glad you're feeling a bit better. I know you're curious, but i would leave it a bit and let him open up to you, let him come to you....and best wishes for your rehab experience tomorrow honey.....it's going to take you both some time to get used to the program....no fear....it's happening........just spend your time with as much peace in your heart as you can....i wish that for both of you...and am crossing my fingers and toes that the process is a healing one for both of you.....
Well, I don't know what you're "supposed" to do...but, personally, I didn't mind at all if my partner or anyone asked how it was going or how it went. I was glad to talk about it! But, that was me.
I think it's fine to ask:" How did it go"? If he answers "okay" and drops it, then let it go. If he talks about it, listen. That's all. There are no rules here. Do whatever feels natural and don't force yourself to ask...that's not your role unless he asks for advice or an opinion. You are not required to be his at home rehab person! lol.
Don't even think about tomorrow or be afraid or anything like that. It's supposed to be a GOOD thing and make you feel better.
Giving you those passwords is huge. It's some serious transparency. No...it's crystal clear!! I think it's enormous!
I'm glad you're taken care of. Try to rest and not worry so much. Things are coming along in a very positive fashion. I guess I should tell you that! You don't really know how this goes sometimes...It doesn't go well a lot of times. There's a lot of denial and resistance and yelling and hiding...etc. you're not getting any of that. I'm seeing that he wants to get well and will do anything to prove that to you...Do you see that? It's really going well so just know that Sweetie. xoxo
thanks guys....he is in the living room watching the game with the baby. i have never in my 12 years of being with him saw him watch a professional game of any kind without alcohol. interesting.
thanks for the advice you guys about how his rehab went....think i will lay low...and just see what happens like you said.
Life....thanks for the advice. i appreciate your perspective. it will be hard to look at him during those intimate times...you are right. my therapist did tell me that if/when we are intimate again to not let those "gremlins" ruin my experience. she said that those thoughts have no place in the intimacy that i share with him...if it ever gets to that point.
I only have a minute....doing the bookkeeping for our corp...just taking a break for a snack, and i'll likely have to get off the computer altogether soon since my vision is bad rt now...hope the books look good tomorrow hahaa...
I grew up in Michigan, a suburb of Detroit named Franklin...a tiny little village about 45 minute from Detroit, and from the border with Windsor, Ontario where I live now:) I went to MSU for my first yr at univ, (Lansing, but not far from GR)...where did you go to school? I've been to GR a few times...Grand Valley State...
I think you can ask him how it went when you see him after the days he goes....sort of how Vicki described it...you don't have to go further at all with it, that;s his job...but he may not even know if you want him to talk about it. But...it may help you on your family day visits if you know what has been going on...I guess you'll find out soon enough.
When my husband and I first were intimate, even just a really big kiss, I would cry. Tears would just pour out of me. And then when we were all the way intimate...I cried. It wasn't because it was horrible or that I didn;t want to do it, it was just that it was such closeness, and it was beautiful and amazing, and I was just so sad that something awful had happened. And soon, I didn't cry during those intimate times...sure I still did a lot of other times, but intimacy became a real source of healing--it was only positive, and that helped immensely to balance out all of the negative thoughts I was still having and trying to get rid of. It was sort of like I fell in love all over again as we got through what happened...I know someone above mentioned something like that. I had to let it happen though, but it did, and now we are stronger I think that we would have ever been otherwise.
Oh boy I always take more time than I plan to:) I hope that you start to feel better...I'm hoping it's only a couple day virus or something? Is Rudy feeling better? The baby? I hope so, and I hope that tomorrow is enlightening for you.
hi there...thanks for the reply....i went to grand valley state! lol! so long ago....but i do miss michigan. i dated a man from there for several years while i lived there...we visited detroit quite a bit....and he was from the UP...so we spent a lot of time there as well....lol!
thank you for sharing about you and your husband's experience...it helps. i think part of my problem is that i know way too much. when he confessed everything...i asked for all of the details...and that was a mistake....at least for me it was. i mean...i know way too much. he opened up too much about the details of their relationship...if you want to call it that. that was a lesson learned.
RED FLAG.....i found a receipt in his car for a beer that he bought last week.....before he started the rehab. i am not sure if i should ask him about it or not. is it my business? he doesnt live here...but he has been saying that he stopped drinking. but when we were at intake last week, he told the intake lady that he had a beer a few days earlier. the intake lady told him that all of that was going to have to stop. it just bothered me that i did see that receipt.n i have not seen him drinking here as i mentioned. but i did find that receipt.
no...don't put the receipt there,,,I wouldn't mention it. You said that he told the intake lady, and that was him being honest about it, and that is very good that he did that. He's in treatment now, it was before he started, I wouldn't bring it up.
I asked all the questions too....and he told me a lot of things....and I feel nauseous even thinking abt them for a second rt now. It feels like a bad dream if I think abt it or picture it....I wanted all the graphic details...and he was honest...but he also told me that he did not want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me...because of course knowing the details made it hurt more... I think it's natural for us to want to know everything, and now having those details that fill in the pictures, do I wish that I didn't make him tell me those things? I don't know. I think it was necessary for me to heal....I don;t know... it still makes me feel sick.
It will get easier, once you decide to work on your relationship, just normal interactions with him will make the bad thoughts occur less and less. I think it will continue to stay the way it is for you until you start being husband and wife again, So if he is successful in treatment, and lets say for example, a month or so down the road he comes home, and then you guys just start living again. You will start thinking less about it. You will forgive him for this...no matter what happens with the two of you, you will eventually forgive him. He's not a horrible awful person, he did some horrible awful things, but he is not a horrible human being.
Ok....I'll post more tomorrow...I am up way too late, and I had no intention of posting any more, and I just automatically started typing! Silly me I need to sleep...hope you can rest tonight:)
hi you guys....feeling a lot better today...and so i the baby...and rudy. okay, he started to talk about the rehab....wow...very eye opening. i wasnt sure what to say...he was using a lot of lingo like..."the wall"...and what would happen during each phase of the process...how they do urine test every time he goes...and how it was hard to talk to everyone about his problem...but he said that he was glad he was going. the family meeting is actually next wednesday..i called. they said that the first week is only for the patients to get used to the program...family comes the 2nd week. so, he goes tonight...and tomorrow. he opened up a lot more about the usage....not sure if i was ready to hear it but i did. he is now saying that he IS addicted. how he was high on coke all the time...especially when he drank. and how he has to give up everything...weed, alcohol, coke...xanax...all of it. he said that it was really hard, but that he was committed and that it was good for him.
and then he started talking about how stupid it was to be doing coke and getting addicted to it. how he was selling it...and that made it easier to get addicted to it. how when he was on it, he became this very sexual person and he explained that he wanted to have sex a lot...good lordy you guys.....it hurt to hear this...but he was opening up...so i listened. he said that when he was with the stripper that a lot of coke was done...and that high sexual energy was heightened to the extreme. he talked about that in rehab i guess.
oh boy, oh boy....can you imagine me hearing this?
and then he went on to tell me how he was never unfaithful before all of this....and how he wanted to stop doing stupid, destructive things with his life. he said he was embarrassed to talk about his usage...his addiction...especially in front of me. he was glad that i didnt come until next week. part of me thinks he does not want to give up drinking...well...i think i know that. he kept saying..."after 3 drinks i want to do coke"..but i think he is going to see that he will have to give it all up.
a lot to hear, ya know? i mean...how much can a chick take? lol....you know?
soooooooooooooo, i am home "cooking' to calm my nerves. my baby is playing..having a ball...feeling much better and i am making beans...
i forgot to add that this conversation happend after i went to the pumpkin patch with my little boy. my husband met us there....it was awkward at first that he joined us there....i let my baby ride the pony and pet the animals...with him right there with me....it was strange...i didnt have much to say....but...it was what it was. i know my husband was happy...i could tell....me...not so sure yet....unsure.
hi guys....well...i learned a lot...a whole lot more about my husband's addiction last night. after rehab....he opened up more. he told me that yesterday when he got off work he wanted to "use." that is the term he said..."use." he said that he had just gotten paid...and he wanted to call up a "dealer" and score some coke. he said that it was hard not to do that, and was happy that he was going to rehab that night. he said that the cravings are really hard...especially when he drinks. his cycle went like this...he would want to stop by a bar and have some alcohol....and then get some coke right away...he would either drink at home, the bar or with friends...and then get high. at home, he would drink his beer, go to the mancave,and get high....sext...talk to his friends on the phone...be up all night....and also take xanax to bring him down. something like that. he said he would wake up and feel horrible...and then use again. and whenever he was stressed or had anxiety...he would do the same thing...the same cycle. last night he told me that even after rehab he was sad becasue he wanted so bad o drink...but he knew he couldnt. he said that it depressed him that he could not even have one drink. he said that he knew that one would never be enough becasue he always wanted more and if he had more, he would want coke.
he told me that it made him sad to think about how all the fun things he used to do...would not be done anymore. for example...he was telling me about how he loved when we would go out to restaurants...even with the baby....and have beer, or margaritas...or how when he would hang with his friends/family...he would drink with everyone...and now how all of that is over and it makes him really sad. in rehab, he said they were telling him that he had to find new hobbies, new friends...and learn to do other things to replace those cravings....he talked about getting into running. he said that he has bee smoking a lot...and that i guess a lot of the people in his group smoke. they did meditation last night...and he said that helped a lot. they told him at rehab that his brain has been rewired to think he needs to drink and do coke....and that he can NEVER have any alcohol.
i was a bit frightened last night by what he was saying...it was almost like he was talking about losing a bestfriend or something. he was really sad about it. he said that he wanted to talk about the craving he was having and i was not sure what to say.
i really didnt. so i just listened to him. he asked me not to do what i normally do and "try to make him feel better." but to just listen, and understand that he will be depressed right now. that there was nothing i could do...and that he didnt want me to do anything...just let him work through it...and me listen to him. he said he needed to go bck to rehab tonight and seemed to look forward to it.
my codependency did want to try and "fix" this....but i know i cant. i just didnt know what to say to him. he was referring to himself as an addict...and saying he was addicted again...wow. i am going to go to a nar anon meeting.
You did the right thing and, you're right, you cannot make this better so don't even try...listening is the best thing.
He sure got a lot out and it's normal if he's involved in his recovery, which he seems to be. He has to do that and, for him, it's healthy. It's uncomfortable for you but this is part of supporting him. He won't talk like this forever, he'll get most of it out during his meetings at rehab.
He's handling his cravings and it's very hard to be that strong but he's doing it. As rehab progresses, he'll have more tools to help him and the cravings will become less and less, as well. He'll learn how to make new memories beginning now and he'll find some new, healthier habits and hobbies!
Don't be surprised if he's a little down, sad and depressed sometimes. This is what recovery brings out when we learn it's over. It really IS like losing a best friend and I know it's crazy to you but that's how it is. Don't worry though! That only lasts for a short time. Pretty soon he'll realize how deadly it all was...and he'll feel relieved that it's over.
he and i have NEVER talked about things like this...so it is all very new. he still kept referring to himself as a functioning addict...and saying things like..."i didnt do a lot...or it wasnt like i needed to always have a lot on me." you know...trying to minimize it...but i still remained quiet.
you're **** a great job of supporting Rudy. it's hard to hear someone calling what has happened to you and your marriage "functioning" when, it was by far NOT functioning in your marriage, right? that's something that you'll be able to talk about when it's your time to talk.
you're doing a great job listening and it really sounds like Rudy is trying to be honest with himself...and has moments of clarity, like learning that he can't ever drink again...and trying to work through the depression......this is huge.......
he said that it depressed him that he could not even have one drink. he said that he knew that one would never be enough becasue he always wanted more and if he had more, he would want coke.
it's very hopeful that Rudy is telling you to not try to "fix" things for him, he is taking responsibility for fixing himself, he has hope that the program will allow him to fix himself.......
the best part of all of this is that you are going to a Nar Anon meeting yourself.......so that you can continue to be strong and confident that what you've done and what you will do won't enable Rudy anymore.....
everything is happening as it should be my friend........
As vicki stated "he'll be relieved that it's over". You are making new memories, clean and sober while watching the game, clean and sober while having dinner, helping around the house.....it's happening everyday.....your supporting him through all of this is a new memory and will hold a lot of weight when the cravings and the depression subside........
keep up the great work with Rudy and keep looking after yourself too!!!
he also said that in rehab he realized that all of the problems in his life were a direct result of him doing drugs/alcohol. i guess they talked about that a lot. he said it all seemed to tie in to that in some way or another.
the next nar anon meeting isnt until next week.
yes....our marriage was definitely not "functioning."
This is a really great forum! Millerp5, I want to wish you and your husband all the best through this journey.
It took my boyfriend 3 years to recover from his crack cocaine addiction - 3 rehabs, periods of sobriety, relapse, an arrest and almost losing everything he had worked so hard for.
The fact that your husband came home and told you that he wanted to use is a big step. Once my boyfriend and I got to the point where he could be totally honest with me about everything it was an amazing feeling. He stopped feeling like he had to hide from me, and I stopped acting like a crazy, paranoid girlfriend.
People say that a person has to reach rock bottom before they can get better. I disagree with that. It is a myth. Maybe for some people it is the case, but not in all cases. Check out this article. This is the approach I took with recovery. :
The journey through recovery is a difficult one. I asked my self this question at the start - Am I totally committed to sticking by him through his recovery from addiction? I referred back to that question so many times and my answer was always yes. It seems a silly question, but it's really not. It requires a lot of deep thought.
Once you make it through with him, and you will, you will be able to conquer anything.
My partner and I are dedicating our lives now to helping others through recovery from addiction. It can be done!!
ashley...thank you for sharing...and welcome! i just copied your link into my browser to read right now. your post meant a lot to me. you know the intake lady at rehab told us that their goal is to try and help the patient before they hit bottom. i like your approach.
yes, it is a serious question...about if i am committed to support him through this. i had to think long and hard. one of the people supporting this thread...vicki..who is awesome...said the same thing to me. am i "all in" or not. i had to really, really think about that. it was hard due to all the other issues that i have painfully written about on these threads..but i am all in. i just need to continue to get my own personal therapy to deal with the anger and resentment.
you see...my husband was unfaithful...and did some horrific things...and then i found out he had a drug/alcohol problem...it made things really complicated. but i am seeing my way through...i really am.
how did you get past the lies and decieit? or did you have to deal with any of that?
That's wonderful that the intake lady has that approach too. I know the realm of addiction study and information is one that is not so consistent. There is so much differing research and are so many opinions, it's easy to get lost and confused.
The second thing I did after answering the question, Vicki says it quite nicely, am i "all in" or not was researching addiction. I've read countless books and studies and watched many lectures. One thing out there says to educate yourself. This is true but there comes another question you must ask yourself. What do you believe addiction is? Is it a choice or do you really believe it's an illness? I happen to believe that addicts are in different stages - some may not even be addicts at all, just substance abusers. So at one stage it may have been a choice, over time it develops into an illness and the bottom line is, they need help.
Where does your husband fit in?
My partner wrote his life story and came public with his crack cocaine addiction. He felt it was the only way to start over (he worked in the media and had some profile). We had high hopes that people would be supportive. Looking back, I wish, we both wish that we had decided to keep it private. People are always encouraging others to talk about it openly, but society is just not ready for it. One reason being, we just haven't nailed the science of addiction down yet. One by one, we watched everyone in our lives drop like flies, the stigma even exists amongst health professionals, my own therapist even. My partner had resigned his job before coming open and he has since applied for over 70 jobs and nothing. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise for us to move our business along helping others, but it has been incredibly difficult. After he came public, I sort of went into hiding myself. I couldn't even speak to my closest friends anymore bc I could see the judgement in their eyes and in the way they spoke about my relationship. You really learn who your friends are during this process.
I don't want to watch other people go through recovery only to recover and then have to feel the nastiness of the stigma which is rife. One important thing in recovery is to have support, be able to reintegrate yourself back into society ie, working etc. To go through recovery and to lose everything too is not a great place for someone who has struggled with addiction. It's important to seek help, but I do believe in containing the information. Sorry tangent there...
When I answered the question of whether my partner was just abusing or was truly an addict, it changed the way I approached things. During recovery, relapse is part of the process and so are the lies, deceit and manipulation. I knew I had to be compassionate and supportive but never compromise myself and deal with things one at a time.
Im so sorry that you had to go through the hurt of your husband being unfaithful. Fortunately, my partner was one to use and be in isolation, he's sort of an anomaly. I did experience lies and many nights I would lie awake until the early morning waiting to hear the door open or waiting for the phone to ring to hear that he was dead. One evening I decided to take a shower and my purse was out on the counter, and of course he was gone.
Going through my partners life story really helped me to understand where his addiction came from. It's a nice exercise talking to your partner about their past etc, it's like a puzzle. You will learn so much about him and understand him if he is able to open up to you about his past.
Dr. Gabor Mate wrote an article and he said, the question is never why the addiction, but why the pain? I believe that once you figure out the pain, only then can you truly begin to heal someone who has struggled with addiction.
not sure what happend...got cut off. so anyway...i read that link of him and it was really good. i am not sure where my husband falls on the level of addiction. i do know that he needs help.
i found it interesting how this morning he told me that he was looking forward to going to his meetings. he said that he is making "friends" there...and they all have similar stories and can relate to each other.
I'm sorry Ashley that your husband coming out and telling his story back fired. I lost a job once as a security officer immediately after admitting that i was a gratefully recovering alcoholic, nobody wanted to know the particulars, i was just fired the next day with no explanation. I didn't need one.
Miller, i'm glad to hear that Rudy is making clean and sober friends in treatment. Hopefully they will help each other to not relapse and if one does relapse the others will join together in their strength and try to help the one whose relapsed to get back on their feet quickly. It's best that he make friends with long timers in NA, and has a sponsor who has many years clean and sober to relate to on a daily basis. It' very positive that Rudy is "looking forward to going to his meetings". I'm praying for him to stay strong.
ashley and night...i am sorry to hear about the issue with the jobs....that is very unfortunate. i think the stigma around this is just terrible. thank you both for sharing. support during recovery is so important. i am beginning to understand that now. i am a member on another on-line support group which i have decided to stop my membership. it seems like the tone on those boards to to run as fast as you can....and even during recovery....stay away. i am beginning to see that every situation is different. a lot of research and support is needed to really help decide what needs to happen. that is where i am...i read the posts here...and the links like the one ashley sent to really help me make an informed decision on how i want to handle this situation.
as each day goes by, and i learn more and more about addiction....relapse...recovery....all of it...i feel at times more compelled to support my husband during his recovery. i still have a lot of doubts...mostly because i am afraid myself...and dealing with the anger and resentment i feel from his cheating...but i feel like in my heart....and now in my brain...i can get closer to making an informed decision. not based on the fact that i care about him...no..that is not enough...and definitely not based out of weakness and codependecny....but based on the facts...and what i feel will be best for me and my son.
my husband talked to me today about how his group talks about taking up other interest, and hobbies....he is taking up running. he has always been athletic...but this is something he said will help him with his cravings. he said they have been working on "his plan." i guess all of his friends needed to be fired....they all drink or use drugs. i find that he is pretty much here all the time....wanting to be around me and the baby.
in some way....based on some of the comments he made...that being around me and our son....is in some way a kind of positive influence in his life.....and might encourage him not to run out and call a dealer???? not sure. but see, i realize that he has to do this for himself, not for me. i see that just being ar
ound us is not enough....no....that is naive to think that....he needs professional help to deal with that. maybe we are just a reminder to him of how good life can be if he chooses not to go down that path.
it is still very strange not to see him drinking....very strange. i welcome strange though...strange is good.
HI Miller, strange IS good!! listen, when i heard you say that Rudy was talking about hobbies and new interests, i knew that this was a good program. New interests are SO important for both you and Rudy to get into, getting into reading and talking about new books. I'm getting my son into clay modeling and wood sculpting this Christmas, and have sent away for a few books on creating a bust, and all of the different types of wood carving. It's relatively inexpensive, but so important to release stress. Maybe get Rudy a couple of things like this for Christmas? I sent a way for a whole bunch of books, and have to wait for them to come into the bookstore before i decide which ones look the best. I'm going to get him at least two books for both mediums. So, while it might be strange, to think about Rudy, wood carving or creating a sculpture, who knows, maybe he would enjoy something like that. It might not be something that he would have ever thought about on his own. Being creative is a branch of your feelings, isn't it? Just a thought for thinking of creative ways to keep your big boy happy, and maybe something that you can get into doing together?
I think that it is of the UPMOST importance for Rudy to really keep himself motivated doing new things right now, that don't take too much out of him. Just something creative that he can get good at.
You're doing good Miller, not making any long term decisions for yourself right now, knowing that there is a time for that down the road, after the treatment and after the sobriety happens. You've learned by your mistakes, and by your example, maybe Rudy can too!!
Yes, it takes a lot of thought and soul searching, but eventually, you will find the answer and it's always within you. I even chose my support carefully too - not all of it is always so great. Im glad to see you taking control and reading/researching. That helped me through the most. It also helps you to make rational decisions instead of reacting emotionally to things.
That's great that Rudy is looking to take up running. I cannot stress how important physical activity is. It's vital to recovery!! Many people over look this element (not just for recovery but for life in general). Not only will it help Rudy, it can help you too. Maybe you might like to take up running or yoga or something? I know for me, my work-out is therapist # 1.
I agree with nighthawk as well about him having hobbies or things that he feels passionate about. If right now that means being around you and the baby, then that's great. It is true that being around you and the baby is not enough. For now, it may be and it may really be helping him during this period. There will come a time when complacency may show it's face. And I/we will be a message away to help you with that. :)
MH has been having a problem with long replies. Try again....before you hit "post a comment", copy your whole post. If it doesn't post the first time, break it up into smaller posts, you may have to do several replies. As long as you have it copied, you can paste it each time you continue your reply.
Hope to hear from you...I've checked back several times to see if you had posted!
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