When is enough enough???

Hi friends, I am also a mother of a heroin addict, and am finding it all so overwhelming right now. My daughter is 20 yrs old and has been institutionalized in rehabs,half way houses etc since Feb  (6 rehabs,4 half way houses)...My heart breaks as you all can relate...she does well in rehab ,always voluntary commitment, discharges to half way house, which to me there is a step missing...going from locked down ,safe facility to independent living with little or no supervision....insurance doesn't ant to pay for the in between treatment I've learned...like sober houses, that are very structured and work with  these folks to learn to live ,universally, and wholly ,a sober life...mentally,physically and spiritually...these programs are mostly cash only, no insurance..so sad....I feel the success rate for long term sobriety would be so much greater..and so few lives would be lost maybe..she gets to that 50 day clean or so most times and goes right back out, knowing we will not allow her to come home, or save her...we have provided rides to treatment when she asks, and we do answer her calls always (a phone which pays for) we just no longer run to rescue..as difficult as it is and as many sleepless nights we have, we know we cannot save her ..that is the single most devastating fact for any parent of any addict...I almost feel myself trying to prepare mentally for that dreaded call we all fear...that she has been found..life less..I have attended alanon meetings off and on for yrs as addiction afflicts many of my other family members ...as much as I know I am powerless and all of that stuff, this has got to be the most difficult thing thus far ,aside of burying a on 17 yrs ago (death due to gross medical error) that I have had to learn to live with...with the holiday approaching, I am sick...to top it all off my family (parents, and my siblings) have pretty much alienated us as no one wants to be a part of all of this pain..I also have a 17yr old son who is also troubled, and going thru stuff...so this makes it even more difficult..more so for the younger two kids who are 11 and 6...their hearts were broken ,as they don't understand particulars, but my family uninvited us from Thanksgiving and they were devastated that they couldn't spend time with their cousins as we have for all of their prior yrs holidays...so I am really struggling with it all, as I know every one of you can relate...any feedback is welcome;) loving prayers to all of you and your families , Carla  

[Bubulous]

Hi and welcome,

First off you sound like a very strong loving person.  It doesn't matter if you grew up in a loving or dysfunctional environment, pain will find you.  My girlfriend wre up in a loving caring family but it set her up for failure by making her susceptoble to believing everyone in this world worked like her family.  It also made her naive and fragile.  I grew up with mental, spiritual, physical and sexual abuse.  I started learning to cope at an early age.  This dysfunctional childhood made me turn to pain pills.  Anyway the point is this life is hard.  Pain will find you no matter where you go or what you do.  Love will also find you.  You have to tell yourself to give up control so it will be easier for her to pick up that phone and tell you how she feels.  Trust is the most imprtant thing in this world.  It is not given it is earned.

On a positive note I have met alot of people in this world and I am so proud of you for caring so much and going to alanon meetings.  You likely have alot more knowledge than most parents about addiction.  When you are trapped in the cycle of addiction it is hard to come out of it but she will recover when the fear of change is less than the pain of staying the same.  Never lose that empathy and compassion.  You are likely doing everything you can to help her and you are also likely wishing that you could say those words that will end this hell but there are not words in this world that can do it.  Good luck and keep coming back here you will get a variety of opinions and advice that will help you....

Larry

[Carla1021]

Larry, thank you for your heartfelt and caring words. Its a one min at a time kinda day. I will def keep coming back ;) Peaceful paths friend

[atthebeach]

hello carla and welcome. it is sad that your family has alienated you, when they should be supporting you. it is really hard for anyone to understand unless they have lived in your shoes. the heartache and pain are unbearable. i KNOW exactly what you have been through. this forum is to help,encourage and to support each other.
i also have 4 children, 26,21,15 & 13. my husband and my 2 oldest children are addicts. my two youngest have lived with addiction their whole life, extremely sad.
i want you to know there is always hope.............
dont give up. after 16 years of addiction in my family, it is very hard to comprehend (even for Me) that. my husband & my 26 yr old son have both been clean around 3 years each. my daughter has been in a rehab (home) for 3 months. she is doing awesome.
your daughter would definitely benefit from a longer program. 30 days is a drying out period, they do not have the knowledge, tools, strength and enough clean time to successfully make it. relapse is almost inevitable.
my daughter is in a faith based program. most faith based program are long term. 6- 12 months.
that time frame always scares them, but the more time and effort they put into their recovery the better chance they have for long term success.
there is always hope..........
keep the faith.........
debbie

[Carla1021]

Thank you Debbie for reaching out to me ! It feels soothing to know I'm not alone....I have been walking this path for many years as well, as my former husband (whom I was married to for 10 yrs, and another child of mine as well new in recovery)is also in recovery, but for the majority of the years we were married he used. I found alanon when he got sober 10 yrs ago, and it was a saving grace, still is, but it is sooo different when its your child I find.. So happy to hear your exp,strength and hope...thank you so much for sharing it with me, A GIFT!!! I will continue to keep your family and daughter in my prayers as well, I'd love to talk further some time, enjoy your wknd ;) soft paths friend