advice please help

My husband of 20+years is addicted to pain pills.  It started years ago, I thought it was just occasionally but then he was asking my 25 year old daughter to get him pills. He finally came clean to me.  He knows he needs to stop, but after reading some posts, I realize that he is still addicted. All the symptoms of withdrawl (withdrawal) that I didnt see before have been staring me in the face. He says he knows he has a problem, he says he wants to stop, but I just dont know if I can believe him anymore. He has a friend that shares is rx with him. My husband asked me to hold his pills and give him 1 per day...that wasnt enough, so it became two a day. I want to help, but I just think I am enabling him. My daughter lives with us now with her one yr old daughter. My daughter actually works for an outpatient rehab facility, but its for people without insurance. What is the best way to help my husband? Do I ask him to go to rehab. I have before but he says he can do it on his own. Do I ask him to leave unless he gets help? I am so eorried that my granddaughter will find a pill on the floor and eat it. I have found pain pills that have fallen out from his jacket or pants. Thank god I found them and not the baby. Please tell me the best way to help my husband.

[JayFive]

Each case is different. This is your marriage so there is no single right way to go about it. The only way to move forward is if he trusts you enought to share with you how he truly feels. You either have to fully trust and support him or not. It's a very hard thin you are doing but don't give up. Encourage him to go to AA or NA and get a sponsor. That way he has someone he can really lay it all out to. Also that person can guide him with personal success. He needs to want it for himself otherwise he will be dragging his family with him.

[jennlp29]

Addiction is not easy to overcome. .I was addicted to roxcontin (I knw that's not right spelling oops) I took anywhere from 10-12a dayand then I wss introduced to methadone maintenance program to get off pills...do ur research on suboxone docs in your area first thrn look into methadone. ..no your husband can not do it alone he needs support..I was lucky that my family forgave me and joined with me to fight this not many people r that lucky and I found a wonderful addiction specialist counselor who was amazing..the first step is admitting you have a problem and realizing you need help seems like ur husband is there already just got get to step 2 which is finding help..good luck..this forum will help you understand what your husband is about to go through and I think there's also a forum for family members who r living wiyh an addict that may help as well..its gonna b a long up hill battle but u kusy have to move forward not back..he may relapse he may not just continue to support him with getting help best wishes for you n your family

[ricart70]

Do not jump the gun with methadone or sub at this point.
What kind of pills are they?  How many per day would you estimate he take?
I would try to get him to go to rehab.  That is the optimal route.Methadone and sub are last resorts and only make things way worse if the person really does not want to quit in the first place.  Keep posting.Lots of people here to help

[waterLilly7]

yes, I agree with ricarl, don't jump to methadone or suboxone now. I was on a heavy amt of narcotics and removed them from my life 9 months ago, all on my own, just this forum for guidance and support, no real family to help, just the family in here. It can be done, like osmeone above said, it depends on your individual situation.

Hugs,
Lily

[nursegirl6572]

These are definitely very difficult situations.

See, the thing is, unless HE wants it, and REALLY wants it, he won't get clean..or he'll get clean but not stay clean.  Ultimatums don't usually work for the long haul, because the addict is getting help by force, not because THEY choose to.

I would be very firm with him and tell him he needs outside help.  I would tell him that you will ONLY support him in his recovery...not if he continues to use.  And quite honestly, with the baby in the house?  I would probably ask him to go stay somewhere else.  

There HAS to be consequences for addicts, or else nothing changes.  They have to struggle a bit and lose their support systems.  Of course he would never want to purposely harm the baby, but in his addict mindset, he is NOT responsible enough to change his behavior in order to keep the baby safe...and THAT puts her at risk, in multiple ways.  ANYtime there is a child in the picture, the rules change.  That child is your number ONE priority, as she is living in your home.  I don't think she should be living in your home where your husband is careless with powerful narcotics.  It only takes one time for something VERY bad to happen.  You are very justified to have those concerns...and I wouldn't sit on that concern for too long before acting on it.

I would highly recommend you seek help for yourself too (and your daughter) in the form of alanon or naranon.  When someone is addicted, the entire family gets sick.  You need to learn more about that, and understand that this isn't your fault.  You also need to learn about enabling and codependency.  

I really really think he should not be in that house though.  Just my opinion.  I'm so sorry you're going through this...prayers for you.  Keep us updated!

[LJ68]

Thanks for the advice! I did start counseling for myself the end of February and my counselor is aware of my husbands addictions.  I had a sister that was addicted to Heroin and died almost 4 years ago.  I did everything I could to help her, she had been on Methadone and was clean for about 6 years, then relapsed when my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I loved my sister so much and not a day goes by that I don't wish she were here.  My sister had started back on Methadone and was getting better, but she ended up getting cellulitis, ended up in the hospital then had a heart attack...when I say she died unexpectedly, I always knew she would die, but not then, I needed her so much.  I just don't know if I have the same patience and forgiveness to get through this with my husband.  You are right, my priority is my granddaughter right now.  I caught a little glimpse of what withdrawl (withdrawal) would be like for him the other night, he tossed and turned so violently in bed, I thought it was his new anti-depressant medication, but then the next night when I saw him, he had the tearing eyes, runny nose (which I didn't realize was a symptom of withdrawl (withdrawal)) plus he had sweat beads all over his arms.  He got really mad at me for something really trivial and I saw the anger in his eyes, the baby was sitting right there.  I just told him the conversation was over and I wasn't discussing it anymore because he was not being rational.  I think the reason he stopped was because of the baby.  I've asked my daughter to check with the professional counselors where she works to see where he can go to detox.  I know he can not do it in our home. I feel so stupid that I didn't see how bad it had gotten for him.  His step-dad would give him pills, when I asked his mom why he would do that, they said because they couldn't tell him no.  I want to tell his elderly friend to stop "sharing" his RX with my husband, but I know that if he didn't get them from this friend, it would be from someone else.  I have such guilt over not being able to save my sister, even though I know that it was not my job to save her.  I did everything I could to be there for her & it wasn't enough.  I just don't know if I have it in me to go through this again.  

[dominosarah]

I am so sorry to hear about your sister.  Thru counseling you will be able to sort out these feelings you have with the guilt.  We seem to carry that load even tho it was out of our hands.  Your husbands addiction is also out of your hands.  He has to be the one to make the choice to stop.  Are you in control of the finances?

[LJ68]

Yes, I am....he knows that I keep a very close eye on our bank account by checking on it daily.  If money starts going missing I will not hesitate to change my direct deposit to my private account and pay bills from there.