Addiction: Living with an Addict Community
need advice
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need advice

hello, wow i have not been on here in 2 years cannot believe its been that long. Just to give a bit of an update on whats happened since the last time I was here trying to quit cold turkey my life has gotten worse and worse, i was trying to quit oxycodone at home cold turkey last time i was here and quit then but only for a short time as i couldn't stay clean for very long after detoxing at all. Since then the i graduated high school, have been to full rehab, then a detox, then rehab again ran through probably close to a hundred grand on painkillers and Every time i went down to florida for rehab and i came back home  to the north east i planned on using and used within 24 hours of getting home, I just dont know whats wrong with me or what to do. My life has completely fallen apart, i dropped out of college when i went to rehab the first time and never went back, i have had a couple jobs here and there but wasted any money i earned on pills basically have done nothing since i graduated high school in 2011, i have gone to therapy and all he told me to do was go to meetings even though i told him that meetings don't work for me since i'm not really a spiritual person, and that is basically all my therapist has had to offer me and he said that if im not gona go to meetings theres nothing else i can really do which has made me feel pretty hopeless like i'm completely ****** and alone in this since i tried rehab and everything else, i have gone to the best rehabs on the east coast and been to therapy and its still has done nothing for me i'm still taking pain pills and i don't know what to do. I have stolen so much from everyone in my family i have been nothing but a burden to my family, these past few years have been just a complete waking nightmare, i've lost good friends who basically just told me they cant watch me keep making the same mistakes over and over. And now ive basicly come to the last straw, the past year or so i have used the credit card my mother/parents gave me( there kind of well off) to basically buying things like gold coins and sell hem for cash right away to get drugs for myself, i have told my mother i was using it for gambling and that i have a gambling problem(I dont) cause i don't have the heart to tell her i failed again and put my whole family through me going to rehab again since i have gone a few times before and it didnt work, over the past year ive put tens of thousands of dollars over the course of a year on the card she gave me and shell end up taking it away when she finds out usually but always ends up giving it back later and the same thing happends because she loves me so much she wants to trust me and i just exploit that cause im a horrible person and i dont know why, i feel so horrible since i keep doing this to her i love her and the rest of my family with everything i have in me, there all i have left at this point but i don't know why i keep hurting them like this i guess i'm just not a good person all i care about is myself and i'm greedy. I feel so terrible like the lowest thing on earth right now because i have done it again, I feel horrible for doing this to my family and taking away from my mothers savings she worked hard for just because i'm a lazy piece of **** with a drug problem i just feel like i have nothing left to do and its all  hopeless, i know if i was gone my parents would be devastated but i just feel so overwhelmingly like if i was gone i wouldnt be able to burden them any longer and could put an end to all the horrible **** that i've done and caused throughout these last 4 years of my life and even though they would be sad that i'm gone, at least the rest of their lives wouldn't be ruined and burdened any longer by my selfish ********. Please can someone just give me some advice has any addict you lived with done something similar to you especially a child?  I just dont know whhat to do at this point and i dont know what my parents are going to do i feel horrible for putting them in this position because all they every want to do is give me another chance to redeem myself and thats all i ever want is a "second chance" even though it would be like a 40th chance but in my head i always really believe that with that 2nd chance i get that ill do better and never steal from them again but when it comes down to it all ill do is **** up again. I feel like if i just put an end to this all i wont burden them any longer and yea they'll be sad at first that im gone at least they can live the rest of there lives without having to be bothered by me and my horrible putrid manipulating black hole of a life any longer. i just think its useless and theres no point in trying anymore, i have been thinking about this for a long time so its not something spur of the moment.please help me i don't know what to do

sorry for my grammar and spelling i know its horrible right now i really couldnt care less
2 Comments Post a Comment
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sorry that was so  long too  thanks to anybody to take the time to read my rambling
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hi john and welcome back. I am sorry that your life has spiraled out of control. you are not useless, your family would not be better off without you, you need to stop thinking those thoughts right now.
THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE..................................
try again, meetings haven't worked for you, because you say you aren't spiritual. well maybe you need to try something different. it hasn't worked your way. the 12 step programs do work for many, many people.
you haven't been able to stop on your own, so that means you need something or someone to help you. have you admitted that you no longer are in control of your life? have you admitted that the drugs are controlling your life?  
yes I have had the things happen to me that you have done to your family. I had money and jewelry stolen by my daughter. she was an addict.  her life had become controlled by roxys. we kicked her out of our house 2x in a year. the last time she went to a Christian rehab and has been there for 5 months and is doing awesome. you are still so young and have many, many years ahead of you. please seek out the help you need. please talk to a trusted adult and again ask for help.
it is important to work a recovery program to prevent relapse. you need to change the people, places and things associated with your use.
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