starting over...again!

[YesLife4Me]

I was doing good, feeling pretty good, then got a bad cold/flu and was hurting, negative, frustrated, bored, you name it...and an opportunity presented itself a couple weeks back and I couldn't say no.  I have asked myself a million times over why, but the bottom line is I wanted to.   My mind kept telling me I am on the right track posting here, getting after care support, etc, but for some reason, the more I talked about it, and the more I read about other peoples struggles, the more I wanted to.   So here I am on day 2 again.  Sitting here clammy, achey, tired, with a bad tummy.  Just wanted to be honest.  And to tell the truth, I wouldn't be on day 2 if my connection hadn't come up dry.  This is a connection I cannot avoid and was worried would be my downfall.  I am disappointed in myself and really do want to live without these stupid norcos dominating my thoughts and life.  So here we go again.

[Katya5555]

congrats on 11 days, it will get better everyday now. i had a few flashback symptoms of Wd sometimes, but it went away after three days. you're doing great! Lead the way....
XOXO Katya

[YesLife4Me]

Thanks KLB...that pretty much sums up my last 3 years as well.    I had 'periods' of not having to go through wd because I had the funds to keep me afloat, but that was it.   I still had wd at least a day or two every month and I this last relapse and wd just took it all out of me.  I thought I was done before, but now I know I am.   Today is day 11 and while I'm not all the way back, I am way further ahead than the first couple days and in a better place than I was on what I thought was a good day on pills.     It really does only take one to take us back to the beginning.    Funny how we wouldn't eat something that tastes good if it gave us a tummy ache, but we will put this poison down us!    I'm glad to hear you found your way out of that nightmare and it truly is a nightmare at the end.    I'll be doing everything I can to keep that devil away.  He isn't welcome here!   :)    I sent you a friend invite too.   Keep it up girl..you are doing great!  

[KLB84]

I went through withdrawals almost daily! - I'd be sick, get enough to make it through the day, then sick again the next, repeat, try to stop, get sick, get some more, etc etc - for THREE VERY LONG YEARS before I got sober. (That's not including the 5 years prior to that using without any real knowledge of withdrawls-I was 15 when I did [snorted] my first opiate - half of a 160 mg Oxy Contin - no lie). They don't even make those anymore. This was right before the oxy/hillbilly heroin epedimic so I had NO idea what I was getting into. At my breaking poing, before I went to rehab @ age 22, I woke up every morning and prayed asking God to have someone kill me that day. I understand the meaning of sick and tired of being sick and tired as much as anyone. Sickness broke me. I went to a "faith-based" non-medical, residential rehab for 13 months 1,500 miles from home!!! so that there was NO WAY I could use unless I escaped and went to the streets as a hooker or something. LOL - funny...kinda.

Anyway, I made it FIVE years SOBER! I was a walking testimony to so many people and last year I relapsed. So I also know what it's like to fall....hard. I was going through a divorce, all alone, family far far away, no accountability, and found myself in the wrong place at the wrong time and did just one hydrocodone which lead to 6 months of everyday use...needless to say I'm back on the road to recovery. This time I'm using a suboxone taper and I'm down to 2 mgs. I don't know how this story ends, but these things I do know: Don't let yourself go through 3 years of daily withdrawals. It's HELL and a complete waste of life and time! And - ALWAYS remember the Devil is like a roaring lion PATIENTLY WAITING for the right moment to ATTACK - when your least expecting, at your weakest and you have the most to lose, that's when he'll pounce!!

[Pat1956100]

Well I just checked my tracker and I am on Day 18 lol.  Crazy that I lost track.  
I am blazing a path for you is right.  You keep following.  I know you want this.

[YesLife4Me]

Very true Pat.  And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  This sure gets old.   Im proud of you for making it this far.   Now you are blazing a pth for me.  

And clean...lol.  well put!  I am not a cucumber, can never be one again, no matter how badly I want to be.  I need to find my brine to keep me from shriveling up.  Thank you!  

[clean_in_ks]

Here's an analogy; not being flip or anything, but word pictures help me when nothing else can.

Once you are a pickle (addict) you can't EVER be a cucumber (just one pill or controlled user) again!

And you know that pickles dry out and shrivel up unless they're in a brine which gives them flavor and crispness!  (meetings, meetings, counseling, surrounding ourselves with others whose VERY SAME GOAL is to stay clean and sober) that environment is "our" brine.