starting over...again!

[YesLife4Me]

I was doing good, feeling pretty good, then got a bad cold/flu and was hurting, negative, frustrated, bored, you name it...and an opportunity presented itself a couple weeks back and I couldn't say no.  I have asked myself a million times over why, but the bottom line is I wanted to.   My mind kept telling me I am on the right track posting here, getting after care support, etc, but for some reason, the more I talked about it, and the more I read about other peoples struggles, the more I wanted to.   So here I am on day 2 again.  Sitting here clammy, achey, tired, with a bad tummy.  Just wanted to be honest.  And to tell the truth, I wouldn't be on day 2 if my connection hadn't come up dry.  This is a connection I cannot avoid and was worried would be my downfall.  I am disappointed in myself and really do want to live without these stupid norcos dominating my thoughts and life.  So here we go again.

[YesLife4Me]

Yeah the depression is the hardest part.  Im sure that played a role in,my relapsing as well.   My daughter is still with him.  We have had many discussions about him using as well as my problem.   I don't like it, but being an addict myself, all I can do is encourage him and hope he gets to where he wants to quit.  

[Pat1956100]

I am glad she is with him. Maybe you can tell her you have quit and that you no longer want pills.  She will tell him to never give you pills again and he will listen to her lol.  Just an idea.
I know it's so hard when it's easy to get pills.  That is why I kept relapsing.  Right now, it's not easy for me.  You must think about it, every time you see him.  I know I did with my easy connection.
Before too long, I couldn't take it anymore and asked her for some.

[Abby_916]

Please don't beat yourself up about something that is done. Believe me, many of us have been where you are right now. I went thru one heck of a withdrawal this time, but it ENDS! You already know that. As bad as the WD were for me, I feel like its harder to STAY clean. It's a battle everyday, but it can be overcome. Aftercare is the way to go. I know for me, I just can't do it alone. I need the reassurance of others, especially those that have been thru the same thing, to tell me it gets better. And it does! Get yourself thru the withdrawals, and then focus on staying clean. We are all with you and we understand. Good luck and stay strong!

[YesLife4Me]

Thanks gnarly.  You are right..at the time it is only temporary and this last bout when he couldn't get more just provoed to me that it can't go on forever.  The pills and/or money always runs out and then Im left sitting alone like now.

Pat, everytime I see him I think about it.  Its impossible not to.  I have told my daughter but she really doesn't have much influence over him when it comes to that.   I have told him no several times, so I know I can.  

[Teresa1717]

Dont beat yourself up over this! Relapse is part of recovery. The most important thing you can do is figure out what you need to do differently this time right? So you cant avoid your source per se but what yiou can do is tell him its ABSOLUETLY not acceptable to have them around me or offer them to me and if you do then we will have to figure out some other arrangement for the grandbaby. I know we all say cut out your sources and in most cases we NEED to but sometimes we cant, so its a matter of figuring out an alternative and putting a firm plan in place.

Also, Others have said, work on aftercare! It has kept me sober these last 24 hours and it really does work! Having an AA;/NA meeting to go to, Therapy, anything like that helps when you have weak moments. I am concerned for you that you said you only are w/d again because yoru connection came up dry? Thats a red flag to me that you definitely need aftercare of some sort!

We are all here for you and most have been there where you are. Relapse ***** but its all part of the process until your mind gets strong enough to beat this disease! Stay close to us, we will help you through it!

[YesLife4Me]

That's what concerns me too.  Its like wd has become a part of who I am and I don't like it.  I don't want to endure wd until I can get more.  I need off this crazy ride, but scared on how to live without it.  This started 5 years ago...and I have no reason to continue on this self destructive course.  I can't for the life of me figure out why I can't stay away.  I've been chronically relapsing for 6 months now.  It is like I want to be done, but then I get wore down from the mental part.  I know where this goes, but before I know it, Im there again.  Ugh!  Hate myself today.