starting over...again!

[YesLife4Me]

I was doing good, feeling pretty good, then got a bad cold/flu and was hurting, negative, frustrated, bored, you name it...and an opportunity presented itself a couple weeks back and I couldn't say no.  I have asked myself a million times over why, but the bottom line is I wanted to.   My mind kept telling me I am on the right track posting here, getting after care support, etc, but for some reason, the more I talked about it, and the more I read about other peoples struggles, the more I wanted to.   So here I am on day 2 again.  Sitting here clammy, achey, tired, with a bad tummy.  Just wanted to be honest.  And to tell the truth, I wouldn't be on day 2 if my connection hadn't come up dry.  This is a connection I cannot avoid and was worried would be my downfall.  I am disappointed in myself and really do want to live without these stupid norcos dominating my thoughts and life.  So here we go again.

[Fireby29]

This is just my experience, you may be able to avoid it, but I HAD to cut ALL sources.  I had to set up protection for possible surprise connects by telling family and close friends I am addicted to narcotics.

While it was embarrassing as heck, I have such calm these days because I know I am protected from getting weak.  Because I know I will get weak at some point and when I cave, it just flat cannot get any narcs.

The red-flag thing, as someone who is red flagged everywhere, does not mean if you shatter your ankle or something you will not get narcs for pain.  It means that it just takes a lot more work to get them, more contact between doc and pharmacy at a couple of levels.  Don't beat yourself up, just get back at it.

Bryan

[YesLife4Me]

I should add that I didn't go to any meetings before this happened.  I got buried at work so I couldn't get away.   I live out of town and meetings are at 7 so I can't afford to go home then back to town again.  

[LeaAnn807]

Well, ok, let's just get you through the WDs, and then you can see about what aftercare will work better for you.  You probably need to tell your doc.  If you are serious about staying clean, who cares about being flagged?  You don't WANT pills anymore.  If he is a good doc, he won't do that to you anyway.  He will help you.  If you only used for a couple of weeks, maybe it won't be too bad.  Depends on how long you were clean??  Anyway, you can treat the WDs with OTC stuff pretty easily.  Get some Nyquil, Imodium, Gatorade and be sure and stay hydrated.  You already know all this though! : )  You can do it!  Hang in there.  It's half over already for the physical stuff.....the bad part at least!

[YesLife4Me]

This person is my grandbabies daddy.  I have to see him when I pick up or drop him off when my daughter is at work.   I told him I didn't want anymore and was wanting to stay away, but when I was weak, I asked and he gave me some.  Stupid, stupid, stupid!   They work opposite schedules and have little help with childcare, so I help when I can.   I can't avoid him forever!   As far as aftercare, I was hitting meetings and here.  I guess that wasn't enough.  Wanted to tell my Dr, but don't want to be red flagged.  That bothers me so much!  And I don't get them from my Dr to begin with.  

[YesLife4Me]

Thank you Pat.  Your response made me tear up.  I am sooo tired of this.  And you are right..I didn't feel good when using again.  There is no easy way or short cut out of this.   Nobody is more disappointed than me.   And now that I feel yucky, its just a sad reminder of the progress I threw away.  :(    I wont get so sure of myself this time...one day at a time...and hopefully this is my last time.  

[LeaAnn807]

There's no need in beating yourself up.  What good is that?  No one here is in any place to judge, so don't worry.  But.....we can only help so much, and as you know, you have to do the rest.  You say you can't avoid this "connection?" Why? If you have to avoid someone to save your own life, then I suppose you'll have to if you want to stay clean.  Were you going to meetings?  Counseling?  You said after care, so I was just curious where the fail happened? (fail isn't a good word, but my brain isn't thinking of another one) If you start to work a program and get REALLY strong, you will be able to say "NO!"  I promise you that!  So, start again, and make sure that you're working every day on staying clean.  If you're not working on staying clean, you're probably working on a relapse, IMO.  You know, you can totally do this!  No more beating on yourself.  Stay around here.  Don't dwell on the negative.  Get out and get some exercise.  Even if it's just a little each day.  Don't go around this person who you get pills from.  Take the necessary OTC stuff and lots of hot baths, and pamper yourself a little, ok?  It's gonna be ok.