It would take far too long to explain my situation, but I'll try to get down to the consequences of what "trusting," has done to me. I know every situation is different,but this is my story. I lost my parents when I was fifteen. I was broken hearted and lost. I became an emancipated adult after several frightening situations in foster care. Life can be hard when you aren't dealt a good hand from the start. Still, I had dreams for a normal life. I had high hopes for myself, even though I was very much alone, and of course, afraid to be so alone at such a young age. I had no extended family of any kind, so I was truly "on my own." It wasn't easy, but I was doing it. Before long, this cop in the neighborhood, started showing up at my apartment door. He was impressed that a girl of my age managed to pay the rent, hold down a full time job and keep it together. I knew nothing about relationships, marriage, nothing. This man, was thirteen years older than me. Now? The thought of that disgusts me, because I was truly still a child. But he was very forceful in planting himself in my life. He just "stated" one day that we were going to get married,period. So that's what occured. I was seventeen. There was no honeymoon, there was nothing. I went straight to work after the ceremony. From day one he began molding my mind to his own. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere alone(except for work, and he wasn't happy about that;he followed me there more times than I care to remember). At age 18, I was diagnosed with stage one ovarian cancer. I was lucky. But the after effects of that situation required medical insurance. I had 12 surgeries in 3 years. I was glad to be alive,but it was a scary thing to go through and I was grateful to have health insurance. I was so afraid that cancer would come back. Every six months I had to go in for blood work for several years. Anyway, I was quickly losing the girl that I was inside. I was told what to wear, how to wear it, how to wear my hair. I wasn't allowed to wear shorts outside the house. I started rebelling, and that was the first time I was "punished" for disobeying, all because I had "one" button undone on a shirt. Yes, it was a case of emotional and then, physical abuse in quick succession. When you are in a situation like this, with absolutely no one in the world to go to? You start losing yourself and you begin obeying, just to keep the peace. My mindset was on a "roof over my head" and "medical care." He made me feel very ugly and worthless. So I sadly thought I would be alone in the world anyway, if I did try to leave him(which he made it clear, he would not alow and I knew he meant it). It was a horrific situation that kept going on for years and years. He finally put his foot down to me working at all, so worried that "I" might have an affair. Oh, looking back? I wish I had. Fast forward 22 years? I was a controlled woman, who was not allowed friends or a life of her own at all. In the meanwhile the local cop, my husband moved up in law enforcement and became the local Sheriff of a large metropolitan area.The sadness, the nights alone, the lost years? I thought of them more and more, and then one night it happened. Afer an all day,all night of binge drinking, and some overused steroids to boot, he broke several bones in my wrist, two fingers,cracked my cheekbone, and broke my nose. All because I questioned him on where he had been until 4 in the morning on my birthday. Something in me stood up that night and I went right to the emergency room and a report was made on what he had done to me. I don't know what I expected,but he didn't get into trouble, of course not. I was actually sent an email from the next higher up in the county, that "they couldn't take sides, since no one saw him actually do it." That wasn't the first time, but it was one of the worst beatings I had received. I still remember him standing in front of me while I was on the floor, blood running down my face, and he told me that my life was like a little piece of paper that he could crumble and destroy at anytime, because he had the power, he knew the people,the contacts and had the financial resources. He actually said he was like "God" to me, because he could determine when I stopped breathing. I hid in the closet the next night,since he had emptied out our bank accounts and even turned off my cellphone. He filed for divorce the following Monday,all according to his plans. While I was actually sleeping in the closet with my kittyt that Monday night, the door flew open and I was greeted by three other cops, who were there in his attempts to have me arrested for "touching" him, when I tried to defend myself the night he hurt me. All I had done was try to deflect his blows by putting my hands out. Turns out, he had been having affairs all along, and was in the midst of the latest one, which had been going on for six years. They had been planning the divorce, he and she, and his attorney(the city attorney who always loved to help the men in blue get their divorces) for the past year, ensuring that assets were hidden and put into others names. Of course I had no idea how much money he had. I tried hard to find an attorney, but with no money? That was not easy. I finally found a female attorney, who didn't give a flip about my situation ,and it turns out? She was making a deal with the devil(so to speak) with my husbands attorney under the table, to not give me information or help me fight him for what was fair, because her husband owed him money. I was the case she handed over to him, to get rid of that debt. My life was threatened repeatedly and the things I went through were horrendous trying to survive as the divorce was going through. He turned off the utilities in the middle of July. He had his police co-horts watch me, and while I was gone to a doctor's appointment one day, I came home to find the locks were all changed. I won't go into anymore, but I will tell you, that after the stupidity of my youth, and the fear that kept me in that warped relationship(religion played a huge part as well, since he would preach at me about how women were to be submissive almost every day),,I truly felt brainwashed. My counselor says this is common in abusive situations where women are isolated and they learn ways of self preservation,(like keeping your mouth shut) because it's better than the street or worse. Where I lived? There were no shelters that HE could not have found me at. (continued..)
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