Should I turn my heroin addicted daughter into the police?

[kej57]

I don't know wht else to do!! I found out 2 yrs ago this summer that my, now, 25 yr old daughter is a heroin addict. It began with "experimenting" with oxy, and that lead to heroin. I live in anohter state, and have flown to where she lives numerous time to try to give "tough love".. I took away the car I bought her (for college), I called the police on her because one day I found out (from my youngest daughter) taht she was driving while high/drunk...etc..etc..My daughter's father has been 100% enabling her: lieing ot the police, paying for her apartment, car, car insurance, utilities, food, anad college classes (that she never attended). I have called him numersous times, begging him to do an Intervention with me and her two sisters..he hangs up on me and refuses to confront her as "he doesn't want her to hate him". (When I turned her into the police for driving while high and drunk, the last words I have heard from her mouth was:" I hate you and wish you would die, and if you died tomorrow, I wouldn't go to your funeral" and that was August of 2009)...

I don't know what else to do!! She will only speak to her younger sister. Last Dec. (2009) she went to detox. the
"plan" was that her father will take her to rehab immediately after detox..Her enabling father did a "180" and allowed her to go back to her apartment. thus, back to heroin...

Most recently, my younger daughter told me that she had heard my heroin addicted daughter has turned to prostitution to pay for her drugs..and my addicted daughter "was" a wonderful, happy, healthy, college student who played 2 years of college volleyball!! Now she is a heroin addict and a prostitute!! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??

Just this last Feb. (2010) she was arrested for shoplifting. They searched her bag and found heroin. I contacted the prosecuting DA. We had a couple of great conversations. The DA was extremely helpful, and even spoke to her aobut her future after the hearing!! I sent a 3 page letter BEGGING that the court sentence her to a jail term with court ordered  detox and rehab...she only received "probation", as they had to  follow the law pertaining to "first offenders"..

My daughter needs help!! No one will help me, help her, except her younger sister.

Plus, I live in another state, which makes it more difficult trying to help "long distance".

Her father will NOT do "tough love" and, as mentioned, "covers up for her"..even when he found out she was prostituting herself out, his statement to my younger daughter was, "well..at least she is paying for her own things a little"..Her "father" should be jailed, too!!!

Should I call the police and inform them that there is illegal drug use going on in her apartment? I feel that this will be the only way to save her life!! At least in jail, she can "detox" and perhaps see "normally" and decide to go to rehab!! Right now, she is seeing the world through "heroin haze" and does not want help..

What should I do??

[mellie4]

My heart goes out to you.  And shame on your ex, but I suppose he has his own problems, and therefore doesn't have the tools to help.

What about doing an intervention without her dad, just you, her siblings, any cousins or aunts or friends that are for her and love her?  Maybe it would have some impact.

Also, you could check into having her civilly committed.  I very nearly did that with my ex.  I went as far as the courthouse.  I don't think he believed me.  We sat in the lobby of the courthouse and I basically said if he didn't commit himself, then I would.  He eventually signed himself in.  

He did have some legal trouble at the time (but so does your daughter.

Best of luck.

[Mikedonedio]

I love the posts here especially when we talk about the real problem, which is not the drug itself, it is life and how to deal with life without the drugs. I am no expert I have recovery time, and in the years I have, I KNOW that it hurts you, but you need a program that will help you help her. These forums are great, but there is nothing like face to face contact with others going through your same pain. There is a ton of help out there for you, your daughter, and the father. I wish you the best, and just know that if you ever need help, it's there

[mo2000]

I think Laurel has a very good point... it is SO true that an addict has to decide for themselves that they want to quit!!  I also understand your worry and care about your daughter as well though...

Is there any way you can have something be done, without it being "your fault."  I find that sometimes it is easier for family members to see the light via outside people, rather than family members.  

I am so sorry you are going through this.  This is my biggest fear for my son knowing what I know now.  Do what you feel is right in your heart!

[laurel453]

i feel for you, kej, you're in a soul killing situation for a mother.

what i can't see very clearly is the point : in jail and alive. Are you sure this would be the scenery ? I mean, while in drugs we are so "basic" and our reactions so crazy that she could felt sort of "cornered" and in this situation, the first reaction will be attack, almost an animal/basic reacton,, and she can't attack you more than damaging herself to hurt you, we can be so irrational .... this could be one possibility and also she could detoxed herself compulsory in jail but with hate inside her, she could do drugs once outside and go down the road in high speed then ,  could  it be just an extreme reaction inimaginable ? ..... you know , i wouldn't like taking this risk at this point just yet...

has she ever talked of wanting to leave drugs after the first detox  ?

[kej57]

Thank you..I agree with you on all of your points you are sharing with me!

I do understand that addiction is a "disease" and coming from a good community, ect..doesn't mean that a person will not be an addict..(Look at her biological father) I do understand that addiction comes in all shapes, sixes, colors, and socio-economic levels..I guess I was thinking/writing outloud, trying to think of a "reason" she would want to "escape". And, her fall into drug addiction occurred SO FAST!! Fine one week,  drug addict the next week..I just "don't understand what caused it"! And as her mother who loves her with all of my heart, I am  just trying to understand the "WHY" issue...and the "WHAT" happened issue...

I agree completely, that she needs intensive counseling, as she has become a drug addict to "mask" some feelings that are haunting her..I just don't know what happened to her! What  "feelings" are bothering her so deeply??I don't know and she won't talk to me..

I hear you regarding not turning her in to the police. I have thought out every scenerio, every course of action, every  possible way to get through to her, and as previously mentioned, I  came to the conclusion that I would rather see her "alive" and in jail, than "dead"...but...I see your point in that jail time may not be the answer..Man..I wish I knew what the "right" AND "best" thing to do was, as I am terrified she is going to die within a year!!

Thank you so much for your points of view/opinions!! I am listening and an absorbing!!! Thank you!!

[IBKleen]

Hi Kej,

You got some very good advise. I would just like to add a few things.

First, I think it would be very helpful to you if you were to do some reading on the "disease" of addiction and understand that it is a disease and that your daughter is sick.

You spoke of a nice community, college degrees, nice family, etc. None of that has anything at all to do with addiction. Addicts come in all sizes, shapes, colors, religions and social backgrounds. Addiction does not discriminate.

The reason I bring this up is if you are approaching your daughter with a "You came from a good background, what is wrong with you" attitude, then she will not get the message. That is not tough love. If you put her down and make her feel like a junkie, she will be a junkie.

Your daughter is using drugs to mask her feelings, to get outside of herself and make herself feel good. There is something, or several things, that she cannot deal with and drugs help her to forget them and not feel them.

Because heroin is such a very hard drug to get off of, I have to suggest a long-term treatment center with intense therapy. If you have the insurance and are able to get her into a good center, that is what I suggest.

As far as calling the police, like it was asked-what are they going to arrest her for? Possession? She will be out in two days and mad as a hornet. Unless she is selling it, there is not much you can get her for. I don't think it is a good idea to turn her in at all, again, that is not tough love and she will resent you for it. Not to mention it could ruin a future career.

I hope that you continue to talk here and listen to the members here before you make a final decision and also read as much as you can. Best of luck to all of you. I will keep you in my prayers.