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[bulldozed]

Imagine being in a truly loving 2 yr relationship with the woman of your dreams.  The two of you were friends years before you actually started dating. My gf and I would sometimes have dinner with another couple and their 4 yr old son.  A few wks after our last night out (back in March 09), the wife (one of my gf's best friends- maid of honor in their wedding) left her husband and recently adopted son (adoption took place 2 yrs ago) The husband was floored and couldn't reach his wife to find out what was going on.  He reached out to my gf in hopes she could have more success.  She didn't, her friend never returned her calls. Left only with the husbands side of the story, she slowly allowed herself to become emotionally involved with him, lending a shoulder for him to cry on. One day the wife finally reached out (about a month after she left) and visited my gf at work. My gf asked a very inappropriate question, claiming she was only joking, basically she asked " since you two are separated, could I date your husband?only kidding" the wife, let her know what she thought about her a few days later. Mind you, these two were good friends for over 20 yrs.not the question she was expecting to hear from her good friend.My question: when is it ever acceptable for a person (allegedly in a committed relationship) to make herself emotionally available to a member of the opposite sex, not to mention of her best friends ex husbands (divorced finalized this past July)? insisting to her bf that she and the husband were truly good friends and she was helping him get through this difficult time. End of August, we spoke about taking a break. It was a very positive night, where I was very supportive of the decision.  She said she didn't want to break up or date anyone else.3 wks later, I saw her car at her friends former house, early one morning. It's been there 2-3 times a week.she's been divrcd x2, and last bf was drug addict who mis-treated her.maybe I wasn't needy enough?

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Bulldozed,

I’m a little unclear from your message exactly who’s who, and what sex everybody is, but that’s probably irrelevant. Your question stands.

Unfortunately, the answer is tricky and in reality in a gray area. People in “committed relationships” make themselves available to friends in extremis all the time. The problem is that sometimes they’re ready to cheat, and other times they just fall in sex or love with the person, without meaning to do so. Emotions and closeness can lead to sex/romance. So it’s necessary to understand where the person’s coming from, how much they knew and when they knew it, how much control they had, etc., in order to know how much they should be blamed for what happened. And sometimes this information is next to impossible to get.

What’s more troubling is her continuing the relationship with the guy AFTER saying she didn’t want to break up of date anyone else. This speaks LOUDLY. I don’t know if neediness was or was not the issue. Could be, especially if she or the two of you had unfinished business in the area.

Otherwise, I’d guess there were more problems bubbling below the surface of your relationship, which popped up via this new liaison. I’d review the whole relationship in these terms, note the choice you made and why you made it, fill in whatever personal blind spot you come up with, and see more clearly next time around.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

P.S. For background on all of this, check out my web site, smartrelationshipdecisions.com.