Birth Parent Guidance

[Arlotheslug]

My husband and I have been matched in an open adoption.  While we are extremely grateful to the birth mother - in ways that can never be expressed in words - we find ourselves very anxious and scared.  The process of waiting until our son is born (sometime in June) has brought up all of the anxiety surrounding trying (and failing) to get pregnant.  

We consciously chose open adoption - after researching a lot of the impact of an adoption on children.  The baby will be mixed race - we would like to adopt a second and have decided that it will also be mixed race in order for our son to have someone that looks like him . . .

My question comes in trying to understand the birthmom.  I get the adoptive parent anxiety.  We have tried to be extremely respectful of birthmom's space - which she has now interpreted as aloof and unresponsive (believe me that is so FAR from our intent) - we asked her other child to draw a star for the planned nursery (moon and star themed) so we can start to maintain the connection with her.  She has been more aloof lately and has not apparently utilized the resources of our agency (the have a support system and counseling available for birthmoms).  Birthdad has signed off.  

I really would LOVE some guidance on how to understand this process from the Birth parent perspective.  We understand that this is completely her decision - but also REALLY want to be parents (I think I can best describe it as a hole in our hearts).  

Thank you in advance for any help.  

[kris123]

I am a bithparent.  My child was also mixed, my parent pretty much forced me to do it.  There was no option of open or choice for me.  I can tell you that it was very hard and still is for me.  
It is very important that you realize just what she is doing for you.  It is not easy to give birth to your child and give them up for adoption.  Mine was closed and they did not even send me flowers in the hosptial, I got nothing.  All I can say is send her pictures, let her know how he is, if possible maybe let her see him.  Lots of times open adoption becomes closed, this really hurts the birthmother. Not knowing is painful.  My son's adoptive parents won't let him contact me even though he wants to.  He sent me a letter telling me he wants to meet but the adoptive mother is having a hard time with it.  I understand though and I will wait to meet him he will be 18 next year.
She may be realizing right now what excally she is doing.  Maybe she is taking time to think this through and wondering if this is the right choice.  Sometime birthmother change their mind when the child is born.  The is a big difference in having you child in you and seeing them outside in the world.  I really didn't think much about the adoption because I was told that was the only choice.  When I saw my son, I wanted him.  Be prepared for this.  She may just need some time alone.  
I wonder every day about my son, it is so important that you don't forget the birthmother.  You both will be his mother in your own way.  Remember comes from God and no one has claims on him.  How wonder it would be to have the both of you in his life.  Also you must set your rules on what she can do and not do.  Maybe send pictures every three months, what ever is good for your family.  In the end you will be this child mother.  
Don't forget her, let her know what a wonderful thing she is going to do.  I hope everything works out.  PM if you like
Kristy

[kris123]

BTW I have no hard feeling toward my son't adoptive mother.  She, I am sure, just wants to protect him.  That shows she is a good mother.
Just give her some time.  It will be very hard on her the first couple of weeks.  In your case it is an open aboption, so at least she will know where her son is (and your son).  She will long for him, just let her know you are there for her.

[kris123]

and i didn't mean any thing when i said there is a difference having your child in your and giving birth.  I know it is hard on other who can't have children.  You will feel the same joy as if your gave birth yourself - i dont' want to say the wrong thing.  I have a hard time getting across what I mean in my writing.  

[Arlotheslug]

Thank you very much Kris123 - you have wonderful insight.  We plan on having a very open and ongoing relationship with the birthmom (and birthmom's other son).  It is a wonderful amazing gift she is giving my husband and I - something we have not been able to attain on our own and for which we have dreamed of - it will fill the hole in our hearts. . .

[polly22]

As a birthmother who subsequently nearly gave up my second child for adoption but then decided to raise him, I understand well indeed what the birthmom of the baby you hope will soon be ours is going through. And I know that the persons, besides other birthmoms, who best understand this are adoptive mothers; you have suffered not having your own-born child whom you have dreamed to have, and the sadness is not so different. A few years after my first child grew up and found me, I ran a group for birthparents, adopted people, and birthmothers; it is amazing how similar our feelings. It is possible that the birthmother you know may be considering whether to pull out, but as likely she may be suffering from the loss of her lover (since, as you say, he has pulled out), and need privacy for that; or she may think you want more space and be trying to give it to you. Suspense is hard but you need to remember you really do not right now know what she may be feeling. You sound like very good, caring, concerned people who will make wonderful parents. And I think Kris123 is utterly correct---it will be imperative you not at some point close the open adoption---the loss then to the birthmother would be devastating---but it sounds to me as if you are extremely sensitive and will be very careful of everyone's feelings. I hope the birth mother is, too, and that you both have a wonderful child. (Because Kris123 is right on this, too---the child does indeed have two mothers.)