This patient support community is for discussions relating to adoption costs, foster children, adoption planning, Adoption Resources, adoption in foreign countries, birth parents, emotional issues, family issues, interracial adoption, legal issues, newborns, parenting, school issues, teens, toddlers, open adoption, and step parent adoption.
I too was adopted at 6 months old through Catholic Charities in Massachusetts. I always knew I was adopted, so was my older brother. We celebrated the day we were adopted as our chosen day, and treated it like a second birthday. I never had much interest growing up about my birth family, but there was always a curiosity. Unfortunately my father passed away when I was eleven, and my mother's health wasn't much better at the time. Before I went off to college my mom decided to show me my hospital records from when I was born. She had them because there were some problems with the birth and lack of neo-natal care. But anyway, catholic charities forgot to white out, it was 1979 so they really did just use white out, one page of my bio-mom's info. So from that point on I had her name, social, old address, and old phone number. I held onto it for quite a few years, but my mom wanted me to have it just incase I ever wanted to find anything out or needed more medical info.
After my mom passed away, almost 5 years ago now, I started to search to keep myself busy and take away from the depression I was facing. I pretty much used internet searches and finally called someone with the same last name and started asking questions. It turned out to be her estranged sister, and she wanted to fill me in on all the craziness of their family before getting me in contact with my bio-mom.
I met her and a bunch of first cousins she had come over, and it was nice, but the family is severely messed up. To the point that in the 1960's they actually got kicked out of Stoneham?!
Since then, I have met my bio-mom and found my possible bio-dad. We are going to take a dna test to make sure. I have had contact with both, but nothing that lived up to my expectations, and I wasn't expecting much of anything. The thing which has bugged me the most is that both of them were way more interested in talking about themselves, and haven't shown much or almost any interest in knowing what my life has been like, or what my family life was like. I politely interjected to let them know how wonderful my life has been and that I had the best family anyone could ever ask for. My bio-father supposedly didn't know that Tina, the bio-mom was pregnant, but I find that hard to believe?! So needless to say the situation has been frustrating to say the least!
I have met a great half brother from my bio-mom's side who had put himself in foster care at age 11, and was randomly in Lexington which was one town over from me growing up. He doesn't really know how to be a part of a real family though, so I have been struggling to stay close with him. And if my biological father turns out to be, then I will have a half brother and sister from him too. I find that the best part of all of this, the part that keeps me going. I have started my own family now, I have a two year old, and I realize how important it really is to have a detailed medical history. More than is ever given in birth records. If anything I hope to achieve that!
I guess my advice to you would be to stay strong and let yourself be vulnerable. That is the hardest thing to do, I know. Lay out everything that you are hoping to get out of contacting them and ask them to let you know if they are comfortable either way, but that you need a response. If they don't respond, try to figure out in your heart how important this battle is to you. If you can't let go, don't hesitate to meet them in person to force a conversation. You deserve that and never think otherwise! That doesn't mean that you have to build a relationship, that is something that you can decide together through that meeting. I wish you all the luck in the world, stay strong through this and know that your family that raised you loves you and everything happens for a reason!
Sincerely, Chrissy
I am going to be eighteen soon, and I want to send them a letter or something. I want to meet them, and reading your situation has been my worst fear since I was about seven years old. I want closure, but i'm scared beyond belief to find out about them. What if I have a birth sister or brother (the one they kept), what if they ended up getting married? I have so many questions.
I wrote a play last year, and almost pulled it out of the competition at the last moment because it was so hard to stand up in front of people who were judging my writing and answer their questions. I told them that one of the characters was completely based off me and my life, and the reason it didn't have a definite ending was because I don't have one yet either. They were very sensitive to the situation. I ended up standing in front of three judges and crying as I explained. One of the ladies was adopted as well and cried with me. It was one of the most emotional moments i've never seen or felt in a competitive setting.
My father was adopted at an orphanage when he was about 6 mos. old. His mother had an affair outside her marriage. She gave him up.
His adoptive mother had just lost a baby girl and was in grief when they went to the orphanage to look for another little girl. Then she spotted my Dad in a crib and the love she felt for him was unbelieveable. She insisted that my Dad was to be their baby. They brought him home and raised him in a warm loving home that was clean and lovely and they put him through college. He was never to any wiser that he'd been adopted. Then at 21, they told him. He was totally devastated.
While he never loved his parents one bit less, it started his search for his birth family. Over his lifetime he managed to locate a sister and they got along very well and visited often. I met her too as a child. Then nearing the end of his life, he went to the place of his birth and looked up the family. His b.mother, alive or dead, didn't show up at the meeting. He said that the rest of the family came and "looked at him like some curiousity creature". That was the extent of meeting his bloodlines.
I had a baby out of wedlock earlier in his life, and was really put off and hurt when he chewed me out for keeping my baby. He would not allow himself to be called Grandpa & he showed no emotion what so ever toward his first grandchild. He basically abandoned me as well. He died never knowing what a great kid I raised, or the interests and hobbies we could have shared to bring us closer as father and daughter. He was emotionally absent, and physically absent from my life. I think the news of his being placed for adoption really changed who he could have been.
My child is curious about his b.father. He knows where he lives and I have encouraged him to meet with him. He decided eventually on his own that my husband is his real Dad and to my knowledge he has never persued his b.father. My child knows our genuine love for him and pride in him and his life is successful.
It grieves me to understand how an adopted child can feel so rejected and abandoned by his b.parents. I was not adopted, but I experienced that same kind of rejection and abandonment that has left a deep gash in my soul. But I keep forgiving him as he was never able to really bring closure to that part in his life the way he had hoped it would happen.
I make all my husband's cousins and our children and in laws my family. I don't feel that left behind feeling anymore. We can't choose our b.parents. But we can choose those who we want to be our family and we can choose to give our children and grandchildren our love, attention, support, and totaly acceptance.
Your b.mother has issues within her to work out. She probably never figured you would return to her and this is a very emotional and uncertain time for her. If she is willing to atleast give you medical history and you are able to get your b.father's medical history, then you are as ahead of the game as you can expect. Anything more is luck and wonderful, but no guarantees. Try only to get the medical information for now.