Contacting my birthparents for the last time, most likely

For a little history, I'm 23 and was adopted at 6 months of age by my adopted family. I love them with all my heart and they are my family. I got medical information and non-identifying information about my birthparents at 21 because I had a closed adoption in Massachusetts.

About 2 years ago I sent a lengthy letter to my birthmother through the agency, as I can't know who they are because of the closed adoption. It was fairly long and I laid out how I felt, how my life was going and asked questions and even included a picture of myself. I received a very short response, about a paragraph that devastated me. My girlfriend of 6 years said I changed ever since I got it, I became more withdrawn and serious...and she might be right. I felt hurt that I poured my heart out and got barely anything in return.

I let my bmom know all I wanted was closure to that chapter in my life. I'd like to see them and meet as well, I'd like to know why I look like I do and just know more medical history related to my own issues. I also sent a letter to my birthfather and got no response in over 6 months now.

Basically I've kind of given up hope I will ever get the closure I desire. I'm preparing to write a final letter to both of them, and not expecting to ever hear anything back. I realize this may be tough for them, they're not together and probably have their own seperate families now. Perhaps my contact is opening old wounds and causing them distress, I can't know for sure...but I wish they'd tell me.

I've always felt a "hole" in my heart so to speak, and was hoping they would engage me in a dialogue for that closure I've always wanted. I guess I've lost hope it will ever happen, but in my file they did say they would speak to me...which I guess makes it harder because things have obviously changed. I've entertained options like hiring someone to find them, but I feel it would be invasive because they don't want to be found, and it would cross the line.

It's just hard...sending the letter and not expecting a response will be easier said than done. I'll look at my mailbox every day and hope, and wish. I don't cry often but this always causes me to break down...when I got that short letter from my bmom I never cried like that before, or since. I just don't know how to feel anymore.

[CapeCodChrissy]

Hi there!  I read your post and wanted to let you know that I completely understand what you are going through.
I too was adopted at 6 months old through Catholic Charities in Massachusetts.  I always knew I was adopted, so was my older brother.  We celebrated the day we were adopted as our chosen day, and treated it like a second birthday.  I never had much interest growing up about my birth family, but there was always a curiosity.  Unfortunately my father passed away when I was eleven, and my mother's health wasn't much better at the time.  Before I went off to college my mom decided to show me my hospital records from when I was born.  She had them because there were some problems with the birth and lack of neo-natal care.  But anyway, catholic charities forgot to white out, it was 1979 so they really did just use white out, one page of my bio-mom's info.  So from that point on I had her name, social, old address, and old phone number.  I held onto it for quite a few years, but my mom wanted me to have it just incase I ever wanted to find anything out or needed more medical info.  
After my mom passed away, almost 5 years ago now, I started to search to keep myself busy and take away from the depression I was facing.  I pretty much used internet searches and finally called someone with the same last name and started asking questions.  It turned out to be her estranged sister, and she wanted to fill me in on all the craziness of their family before getting me in contact with my bio-mom.  
I met her and a bunch of first cousins she had come over, and it was nice, but the family is severely messed up.  To the point that in the 1960's they actually got kicked out of Stoneham?!  
Since then, I have met my bio-mom and found my possible bio-dad.  We are going to take a dna test to make sure.  I have had contact with both, but nothing that lived up to my expectations, and I wasn't expecting much of anything.  The thing which has bugged me the most is that both of them were way more interested in talking about themselves, and haven't shown much or almost any interest in knowing what my life has been like, or what my family life was like.  I politely interjected to let them know how wonderful my life has been and that I had the best family anyone could ever ask for.  My bio-father supposedly didn't know that Tina, the bio-mom was pregnant, but I find that hard to believe?!  So needless to say the situation has been frustrating to say the least!
I have met a great half brother from my bio-mom's side who had put himself in foster care at age 11, and was randomly in Lexington which was one town over from me growing up.  He doesn't really know how to be a part of a real family though, so I have been struggling to stay close with him.  And if my biological father turns out to be, then I will have a half brother and sister from him too.  I find that the best part of all of this, the part that keeps me going.  I have started my own family now, I have a two year old, and I realize how important it really is to have a detailed medical history.  More than is ever given in birth records.  If anything I hope to achieve that!
I guess my advice to you would be to stay strong and let yourself be vulnerable.  That is the hardest thing to do, I know.  Lay out everything that you are hoping to get out of contacting them and ask them to let you know if they are comfortable either way, but that you need a response.  If they don't respond, try to figure out in your heart how important this battle is to you.  If you can't let go, don't hesitate to meet them in person to force a conversation.  You deserve that and never think otherwise!  That doesn't mean that you have to build a relationship, that is something that you can decide together through that meeting.  I wish you all the luck in the world, stay strong through this and know that your family that raised you loves you and everything happens for a reason!
Sincerely, Chrissy

[HarleyHarlow]

Hi. I'm seventeen years old and have always wondered about my birth parents. My parents have been telling me all they knew about my birthparents since before I could really understand. As I have gotten older I haven't talked about it to my parents as much. I always feel like if I ask it will offend them, or they will think I don't care about them.

I am going to be eighteen soon, and I want to send them a letter or something. I want to meet them, and reading your situation has been my worst fear since I was about seven years old. I want closure, but i'm scared beyond belief to find out about them. What if I have a birth sister or brother (the one they kept), what if they ended up getting married? I have so many questions.

I wrote a play last year, and almost pulled it out of the competition at the last moment because it was so hard to stand up in front of people who were judging my writing and answer their questions. I told them that one of the characters was completely based off me and my life, and the reason it didn't have a definite ending was because I don't have one yet either. They were very sensitive to the situation. I ended up standing in front of three judges and crying as I explained. One of the ladies was adopted as well and cried with me. It was one of the most emotional moments i've never seen or felt in a competitive setting.

[polly22]

Hi, and I want to tell you how good it is that you are continuing your efforts to contact your birthparents. I'm a reunited birthmother, have known a number of others but only met one birthmother who wasn't overjoyed to have contact with and reunite with her birthchild. Only thing I want to say, first, to you is---don't give up on them and don't paint yourself into any corners--don't make ultimatums, you have too many years of life yet and time to get to meet them, so there's no point hurrying people---they may need time to adjust to the possibility that finally they can get to know you. Possibly your letters reached them at hard times in their lives. . . Your birthmom, you say, wrote back only a short letter, a paragraph, and the letter devastated you. But was it negative? Perhaps brevity is simply her style--?   I wonder if your idea of finding an intermediary to contact them may make sense. . .but NOT a "gumshoe," NOT a "private investigator" or attorney, which could be pretty frightening and bring  up people's defensiveness---but someone trained in adoption reunion connection/mediation; perhaps the agency could suggest someone. You sound like an intelligent and sensitive person, so go with your instinct about any such person before hiring them; be sure to get to know them, several meetings, first.   But better if you can do it on your own. Only, if you send another letter, do NOT make it an ultimatum letter; neither your nor they should have to live with the consequences, the pain, of a failed ultimatum; they may just need more time.

[jo929]

remember you were put up for adoption for a reason, I have seen many people reunite with their birth mother, and it did not turn out well remember to her you are astanger she has never seen, even tho she may seem glad to see you she will never know you, the ones who raised you love you and they are your real parents, some have said they have no geelings it was like meeting a stranger, so do not get your hopes up, think of the ones that raised you as your parents,  luck  jo

[kathy434]

step back and take a deep relaxing breath.

My father was adopted at an orphanage when he was about 6 mos. old.  His mother had an affair outside her marriage.  She gave him up.
His adoptive mother had just lost a baby girl and was in grief when they went to the orphanage to look for another little girl.  Then she spotted my Dad in a crib and the love she felt for him was unbelieveable.  She insisted that my Dad was to be their baby.  They brought him home and raised him in a warm loving home that was clean and lovely and they put him through college.  He was never to any wiser that he'd been adopted.  Then at 21, they told him.  He was totally devastated.
While he never loved his parents one bit less, it started his search for his birth family.  Over his lifetime he managed to locate a sister and they got along very well and visited often.  I met her too as a child.  Then nearing the end of his life, he went to the place of his birth and looked up the family.  His b.mother, alive or dead, didn't show up at the meeting.  He said that the rest of the family came and "looked at him like some curiousity creature".  That was the extent of meeting his bloodlines.
I had a baby out of wedlock earlier in his life, and was really put off and hurt when he chewed me out for keeping my baby.  He would not allow himself to be called Grandpa & he showed no emotion what so ever toward his first grandchild.  He basically abandoned me as well.  He died never knowing what a great kid I raised, or the interests and hobbies we could have shared to bring us closer as father and daughter.  He was emotionally absent, and physically absent from my life.  I think the news of his being placed for adoption really changed who he could have been.

My child is curious about his b.father.  He knows where he lives and I have encouraged him to meet with him.  He decided eventually on his own that my husband is his real Dad and to my knowledge he has never persued his b.father.  My child knows our genuine love for him and pride in him and his life is successful.

It grieves me to understand how an adopted child can feel so rejected and abandoned by his b.parents.  I was not adopted, but I experienced that same kind of rejection and abandonment that has left a deep gash in my soul.  But I keep forgiving him as he was never able to really bring closure to that part in his life the way he had hoped it would happen.

I make all my husband's cousins and our children and in laws my family.  I don't feel that left behind feeling anymore.  We can't choose our b.parents.  But we can choose those who we want to be our family and we can choose to give our children and grandchildren our love, attention, support, and totaly acceptance.

Your b.mother has issues within her to work out.  She probably never figured you would return to her and this is a very emotional and uncertain time for her.  If she is willing to atleast give you medical history and you are able to get your b.father's medical history, then you are as ahead of the game as you can expect.  Anything more is luck and wonderful, but no guarantees.  Try only to get the medical information for now.

[allmymarbles]

Given that your birth parents are so unloving, you should be doubly grateful that you were adopted.

[katiebug81]

I know it must be incredibly hard to live with the feeling of someone that gave birth to you not wanting you. I admit I do not know what that feels like.You must have some sort of picture in your head of what might have happened. Please realize that what you may be picturing could be quite the opposite. I myself have two adopted sons. They were both placed in foster care at birth and I have had care of them since then. I am always concerned about how they will feel about being adopted and want to do all I can to make them loved and accepted but I know they will still experience that pain from a missing part of their lives. As a foster parent, I got to know a number of birth parents, those who did not necessarily give up their children, but for one reason or another were found to not be appropriate caregivers. I am a person that looks for the good in people, and there were things I liked about all the birth parents I have met. That said, there were also a number of reasons I saw why the courts agreed they couldn't appropriately raise children. There is no need to judge others. Most of the birth parents I met were neglected or abused as children, many of them were foster kids themselves. There were some with mental retardation or mental illnesses and many drug and alcohol problems. I'm telling you this because sometimes, (I would even venture to say most times), the issues involved when a child is adopted are much more complicated than just simply not wanting a baby. The pain of rejection and not knowing is great, but there are times when having stayed with your birth family may have resulted in pain much greater. Maybe not. I also know some people that have met their birth parents and built a relationship with them, but instead of gaining a source of support, they have become a support for their parents. Just realize that your parents may have been raised quite differently than you were and come from an entirely different experience than your own. They have their own set of issues and defense mechanisms. Currently a good friend of mine is trying to locate her birth parents and I don't know what to tell her. My best advice is be ready for anything. And remember there are times in life when closure seems impossible, like when a loved one dies and you didn't get time to (fill in the blank). No matter what happens, you will have to find a way to live with it and move on to the things that are really important- feeling good about who you are, your goals, and your future, and the people you love that are a part of your life.

[brice1967]

I found out that I was adopted at an early age.  My mother, sister, and I had been over to another families home for a bar-b-que and swim party.  I had noticed that 1 of the 4 kids didnt look anything like the rest of that particular family, and asked my mother why.

My mother informed me that this child had been adopted, then explained what adoption was, and further explained that the people that he knew as his mom and dad loved him as if he were their own.  I continued the conversation asking why someone whould put a child up for adoption and my mother went through the gamut of reasons a person would committ to putting a child up for adoption.  She then explained that it gave the child a better opportunity for a better life, and I recognized that.  At that point my mom informed me that my sister and I were both adopted, and she wanted to know how I felt about it.  I remember telling her that I was fine with it and she was my mom and nothing else mattered.

Later in life, much later in fact, I began to wonder who I really was.  My adoptive mother and father divorced when I was 4.  My father did the best he could, I think.  My mother was an incredible parent, and for that I am thankful.  But I knew there was something missing.

I didnt know who I really was, or where I came from.  I remember asking my parents if they knew anything about my ethnicity.  My dad answered a couple of times, but the answered varied.  My mother gave me an answer, but I always questioned it.  If she didnt know my birth parents, how could she possibly know about my ethnicity?  (It was a sealed adoption, no information was provided.  My birth certificate states my adoptive parents as my birth parents)

For me, I am glad that I have been given the life I was given.  It couldnt have happened without the love from both of my parents.  What it is all about now is knowing who I really am.  That part is missing.  Im proud of whom I become, and thank my folks for that.  Without their guidance, who knows what would have happened.  But I have no idea of "who" I am.  I always felt weird when talking about ethnicity in school or social circles.

I would like to make contact with my birth parents in order to find out some of this information.  I am completely non-judgemental as to why I was offered for adoption.  It's not important to me if my birth parents ever married, were married.  I just want to know where I came from and believe I have that right.

[vkokamo]

I was given up for adoption through Catholic Charities in Casper, Wyoming back in January of 1967, which was and is still a closed adoption. All of my life I have wondered who I am and have always had this hole in my heart. I am 43 years old now and I still have that same hole in my heart. I located my birth mother when I was 18 years old, but she didn't want anything to do with me. I still try talking to her and writing her letters to let her know how I am doing. Even though she didn't want anything to do with me her mother as well as on of her brothers have been a blessing to me. My biological grandmother was able to explain to me what happened at the timed and why I was given up for adoption. Atleast now I have a little more understanding of the circumstances surrounding my adoption.

Through the non-identifying information found on my extremely limited medical information I was able to find who I believe to be my biological father in Saint Paul, Minnesota. I asked him if he would be willing to do a DNA test, but refuses to do so. I look exactly like him and in my heart I know that is my father. Right now, I am corresponding with a man that would be my half brother and he is considering doing a DNA test for me. He told me he is concerned with why his father won't do it if he is not my father. So far, we have a really good relationship. I guess what I am trying to say is that if your biological parents won't talk someone else will. Maybe your grandparents or maybe your half siblings will. I have had to go a round about way to find things out.

My next step is to petition the courts for my original records, especially now that I found out that I have a Native American bloodline. There are laws put in place for Native American children placed up for adoption. It is my hope that I will get my records and I will keep you posted.

If you meet your biological parents just go into the situation with your eyes wide open, because sometimes they can be the coldest people in the world and other times they could be some of the warmest people in the world. Just do what you need to do to protect your heart.  

It is my hope that one day the courts will make adoption records open all across the country. Right now, its all about the birth parents, but what about the birth children, when will we have rights?

[brice1967]

If you werent adopted, I wouldnt expect you to understand the feelings that some adopted people feel.  It really isnt possible for you to understand.  I think a lot of non-adopted people just rush to the idea that adopted people need to feel "lucky, special, fortunate".

Knowing that I may have been born into a situation that is less than desirable, perhaps less than healthy, less than secure is scary to think about.  I dont want to speak for all adoptees, but I know that I feel lucky that I was adopted by whom I was adopted.  I was always cared for, always loved, always clothed, always fed and always entertained and supported. I was truly lucky or fortunate, as were many other adoptees.  My mother even made me feel special when she told me that I was adopted by telling me that I was chosen, and it wasnt some random act that transpired.

With being adopted, there is a lack of sense of self.  Trying to find your birth parents is about validation.  I really am not concerned with having any kind of relationship with my birth parents if they arent interested.  What I am interested in is medical information, I would like to see them to get a grasp as to why I look the way I do, I would like to know if I have any siblings.....  I am fine with not developing a realtionship.  I really cant explain this, but finding your birth parents fills in a lot of gaps, and for me.... every doctor visit feels like a crap-shoot.  I dont know of any medical conditions I should be concerned with because of heredity.  I'd like to know why I have some of the character traits I do.

If you werent adopted, I dont expect you to understand and I am not looking for your sympathy.  All I want is some validation.  I want some questions answered that my mother cannot answer. I want to know..... I dout it would chagne a whole bunch, and if I never find out, I am sure I will finish my life with pleasure.  I've got a beautiful family of my own, but I cannot pass down my heritage to my kids.  I cannot inform them of potential medical concerns that perhaps skipped a generation with me.

It's just about finally getting the whole answer.  I know its out there, and I'd like the answers.

[allmymarbles]

Aren't you glad you were adopted by parents who love you and care about you. Rejection from your birth parents is hard, but don't forget to thank fate for giving you something better. It may also hope to know that, except for environmental influences, each child is unique and often nothing like his or her parents. Of all my grandchildren, the one most like our family is my daughter's stepson, and he is just like his step-undle, my son.

My brother has two adopted daughters. They both wanted to find their birth parents and he helped them. One set turned out to be nice. The other - not really. And my niece is the object of jealousy by her half-siblings, which is not pleasant. She is not close to them. Both girls see my brother and his wife as their real parents.

No one can heal the hole in your heart, unfortunately. I really wish you could meet your birth mother, especially so that you could appreciate your real mother all the more.