Contacting my birthparents for the last time, most likely

[ChronicPain1]

For a little history, I'm 23 and was adopted at 6 months of age by my adopted family. I love them with all my heart and they are my family. I got medical information and non-identifying information about my birthparents at 21 because I had a closed adoption in Massachusetts.

About 2 years ago I sent a lengthy letter to my birthmother through the agency, as I can't know who they are because of the closed adoption. It was fairly long and I laid out how I felt, how my life was going and asked questions and even included a picture of myself. I received a very short response, about a paragraph that devastated me. My girlfriend of 6 years said I changed ever since I got it, I became more withdrawn and serious...and she might be right. I felt hurt that I poured my heart out and got barely anything in return.

I let my bmom know all I wanted was closure to that chapter in my life. I'd like to see them and meet as well, I'd like to know why I look like I do and just know more medical history related to my own issues. I also sent a letter to my birthfather and got no response in over 6 months now.

Basically I've kind of given up hope I will ever get the closure I desire. I'm preparing to write a final letter to both of them, and not expecting to ever hear anything back. I realize this may be tough for them, they're not together and probably have their own seperate families now. Perhaps my contact is opening old wounds and causing them distress, I can't know for sure...but I wish they'd tell me.

I've always felt a "hole" in my heart so to speak, and was hoping they would engage me in a dialogue for that closure I've always wanted. I guess I've lost hope it will ever happen, but in my file they did say they would speak to me...which I guess makes it harder because things have obviously changed. I've entertained options like hiring someone to find them, but I feel it would be invasive because they don't want to be found, and it would cross the line.

It's just hard...sending the letter and not expecting a response will be easier said than done. I'll look at my mailbox every day and hope, and wish. I don't cry often but this always causes me to break down...when I got that short letter from my bmom I never cried like that before, or since. I just don't know how to feel anymore.

[CapeCodChrissy]

Hi there!  I read your post and wanted to let you know that I completely understand what you are going through.
I too was adopted at 6 months old through Catholic Charities in Massachusetts.  I always knew I was adopted, so was my older brother.  We celebrated the day we were adopted as our chosen day, and treated it like a second birthday.  I never had much interest growing up about my birth family, but there was always a curiosity.  Unfortunately my father passed away when I was eleven, and my mother's health wasn't much better at the time.  Before I went off to college my mom decided to show me my hospital records from when I was born.  She had them because there were some problems with the birth and lack of neo-natal care.  But anyway, catholic charities forgot to white out, it was 1979 so they really did just use white out, one page of my bio-mom's info.  So from that point on I had her name, social, old address, and old phone number.  I held onto it for quite a few years, but my mom wanted me to have it just incase I ever wanted to find anything out or needed more medical info.  
After my mom passed away, almost 5 years ago now, I started to search to keep myself busy and take away from the depression I was facing.  I pretty much used internet searches and finally called someone with the same last name and started asking questions.  It turned out to be her estranged sister, and she wanted to fill me in on all the craziness of their family before getting me in contact with my bio-mom.  
I met her and a bunch of first cousins she had come over, and it was nice, but the family is severely messed up.  To the point that in the 1960's they actually got kicked out of Stoneham?!  
Since then, I have met my bio-mom and found my possible bio-dad.  We are going to take a dna test to make sure.  I have had contact with both, but nothing that lived up to my expectations, and I wasn't expecting much of anything.  The thing which has bugged me the most is that both of them were way more interested in talking about themselves, and haven't shown much or almost any interest in knowing what my life has been like, or what my family life was like.  I politely interjected to let them know how wonderful my life has been and that I had the best family anyone could ever ask for.  My bio-father supposedly didn't know that Tina, the bio-mom was pregnant, but I find that hard to believe?!  So needless to say the situation has been frustrating to say the least!
I have met a great half brother from my bio-mom's side who had put himself in foster care at age 11, and was randomly in Lexington which was one town over from me growing up.  He doesn't really know how to be a part of a real family though, so I have been struggling to stay close with him.  And if my biological father turns out to be, then I will have a half brother and sister from him too.  I find that the best part of all of this, the part that keeps me going.  I have started my own family now, I have a two year old, and I realize how important it really is to have a detailed medical history.  More than is ever given in birth records.  If anything I hope to achieve that!
I guess my advice to you would be to stay strong and let yourself be vulnerable.  That is the hardest thing to do, I know.  Lay out everything that you are hoping to get out of contacting them and ask them to let you know if they are comfortable either way, but that you need a response.  If they don't respond, try to figure out in your heart how important this battle is to you.  If you can't let go, don't hesitate to meet them in person to force a conversation.  You deserve that and never think otherwise!  That doesn't mean that you have to build a relationship, that is something that you can decide together through that meeting.  I wish you all the luck in the world, stay strong through this and know that your family that raised you loves you and everything happens for a reason!
Sincerely, Chrissy

[HarleyHarlow]

Hi. I'm seventeen years old and have always wondered about my birth parents. My parents have been telling me all they knew about my birthparents since before I could really understand. As I have gotten older I haven't talked about it to my parents as much. I always feel like if I ask it will offend them, or they will think I don't care about them.

I am going to be eighteen soon, and I want to send them a letter or something. I want to meet them, and reading your situation has been my worst fear since I was about seven years old. I want closure, but i'm scared beyond belief to find out about them. What if I have a birth sister or brother (the one they kept), what if they ended up getting married? I have so many questions.

I wrote a play last year, and almost pulled it out of the competition at the last moment because it was so hard to stand up in front of people who were judging my writing and answer their questions. I told them that one of the characters was completely based off me and my life, and the reason it didn't have a definite ending was because I don't have one yet either. They were very sensitive to the situation. I ended up standing in front of three judges and crying as I explained. One of the ladies was adopted as well and cried with me. It was one of the most emotional moments i've never seen or felt in a competitive setting.

[polly22]

Hi, and I want to tell you how good it is that you are continuing your efforts to contact your birthparents. I'm a reunited birthmother, have known a number of others but only met one birthmother who wasn't overjoyed to have contact with and reunite with her birthchild. Only thing I want to say, first, to you is---don't give up on them and don't paint yourself into any corners--don't make ultimatums, you have too many years of life yet and time to get to meet them, so there's no point hurrying people---they may need time to adjust to the possibility that finally they can get to know you. Possibly your letters reached them at hard times in their lives. . . Your birthmom, you say, wrote back only a short letter, a paragraph, and the letter devastated you. But was it negative? Perhaps brevity is simply her style--?   I wonder if your idea of finding an intermediary to contact them may make sense. . .but NOT a "gumshoe," NOT a "private investigator" or attorney, which could be pretty frightening and bring  up people's defensiveness---but someone trained in adoption reunion connection/mediation; perhaps the agency could suggest someone. You sound like an intelligent and sensitive person, so go with your instinct about any such person before hiring them; be sure to get to know them, several meetings, first.   But better if you can do it on your own. Only, if you send another letter, do NOT make it an ultimatum letter; neither your nor they should have to live with the consequences, the pain, of a failed ultimatum; they may just need more time.

[jo929]

remember you were put up for adoption for a reason, I have seen many people reunite with their birth mother, and it did not turn out well remember to her you are astanger she has never seen, even tho she may seem glad to see you she will never know you, the ones who raised you love you and they are your real parents, some have said they have no geelings it was like meeting a stranger, so do not get your hopes up, think of the ones that raised you as your parents,  luck  jo

[kathy434]

step back and take a deep relaxing breath.

My father was adopted at an orphanage when he was about 6 mos. old.  His mother had an affair outside her marriage.  She gave him up.
His adoptive mother had just lost a baby girl and was in grief when they went to the orphanage to look for another little girl.  Then she spotted my Dad in a crib and the love she felt for him was unbelieveable.  She insisted that my Dad was to be their baby.  They brought him home and raised him in a warm loving home that was clean and lovely and they put him through college.  He was never to any wiser that he'd been adopted.  Then at 21, they told him.  He was totally devastated.
While he never loved his parents one bit less, it started his search for his birth family.  Over his lifetime he managed to locate a sister and they got along very well and visited often.  I met her too as a child.  Then nearing the end of his life, he went to the place of his birth and looked up the family.  His b.mother, alive or dead, didn't show up at the meeting.  He said that the rest of the family came and "looked at him like some curiousity creature".  That was the extent of meeting his bloodlines.
I had a baby out of wedlock earlier in his life, and was really put off and hurt when he chewed me out for keeping my baby.  He would not allow himself to be called Grandpa & he showed no emotion what so ever toward his first grandchild.  He basically abandoned me as well.  He died never knowing what a great kid I raised, or the interests and hobbies we could have shared to bring us closer as father and daughter.  He was emotionally absent, and physically absent from my life.  I think the news of his being placed for adoption really changed who he could have been.

My child is curious about his b.father.  He knows where he lives and I have encouraged him to meet with him.  He decided eventually on his own that my husband is his real Dad and to my knowledge he has never persued his b.father.  My child knows our genuine love for him and pride in him and his life is successful.

It grieves me to understand how an adopted child can feel so rejected and abandoned by his b.parents.  I was not adopted, but I experienced that same kind of rejection and abandonment that has left a deep gash in my soul.  But I keep forgiving him as he was never able to really bring closure to that part in his life the way he had hoped it would happen.

I make all my husband's cousins and our children and in laws my family.  I don't feel that left behind feeling anymore.  We can't choose our b.parents.  But we can choose those who we want to be our family and we can choose to give our children and grandchildren our love, attention, support, and totaly acceptance.

Your b.mother has issues within her to work out.  She probably never figured you would return to her and this is a very emotional and uncertain time for her.  If she is willing to atleast give you medical history and you are able to get your b.father's medical history, then you are as ahead of the game as you can expect.  Anything more is luck and wonderful, but no guarantees.  Try only to get the medical information for now.

[allmymarbles]

Given that your birth parents are so unloving, you should be doubly grateful that you were adopted.