I am so sorry, this must have been very difficult for you. How did you find out? Have your parents resently divorced?
I just want you to know that even though this may seem like you won't get through this you will. You are a wonderful creation no matter who gave you birth. Relize that your birth mother gave you life and did not abort you. Relize that your parents wanted to have a child and have a family. Even though their marriage has not worked out, does not take away the love they have for you as their daughter. Their problem is between them as husband and wife, you still have the parent/daughter relationship. It must have been very difficut to see your parents divorce. But remember they wanted you, they chose you, they love you. The fact that they didn't tell you must make you feel bad, but adults/parents sometimes make the wrong decision on how to handle some things. They should have told you but they didn't. You can't change that. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive them for not handling this another way. You are not a mistake, you were meant to be here, you are wonderfuly made. You have been blessed with life, and people who loved you and raised you and your not done yet. You have a bright future ahead of you and you can make it possitive. I know you feel hurt now but I believe that you can separate things so they make sense. I will be praying for you. and your parents, I am sure that you are ALL hurting. Blessings
I agree with the above post. I know you must feel betrayed...however, that was not your parents goal. They thought that they were doing the right thing. They made a mistake, please forgive them. It is going to take time to come to terms with your adoption and their divorce. These are two life changing events and I am sure causing a lot of stress. I would suggest getting a therapist to help you accept and come to terms with both of these situations. You definitely need to talk to someone who has experience with these situations. Best to you.
PS: I have an adopted daughter from China (she is only 2) and I want you to know that my love for her is the same, if not more, for her. She was my gift from heaven and I pray for her biological mom also, that she will be blessed, because without that woman, my daughter would not be in my arms. You have 2 mothers...one who gave you life and one who is teaching you how to live it. You are truly blessed for being so wanted!
I just want to tell you that I am a birth mother and that my son is 15 but has always known he was adopted because he is biracial and was raised in a white home his parents are also divorced. I am not sure how you feel but I can tell you that I love my son and will always love him and I am sure you birth mother loves you and wants to someday meet you. I am on the other side coming from a view of the birth mother and i think it may help you to know how we feel and love our children just as dearly as your parents. It was never an issue of not wanting my son but an issue that I was only 15 and my parents thought it was best to place my son for adoption. I would give anything to have had the chance to raise him but he is in a happy place and I am happy about that. What are you feelings toward your birthmother if any. I guess you are just dealing with the fact that you found out you were adopted. I would go talk with someone and work through your feelings and I am sure your parents will help you through this trying time
I am sorry this shock has happened to you. As a birthmother, I can who has been to many birthmother groups, I can tell you I've never met a birthmother who didn't love her baby and only give her child up because she couldn't take care of her/him, usually because she was alone and hadn't enough money (even in the days of Welfare, there was not enough money--this society is like that). It is too bad your parents (and they--they too--*are* your parents, in most the senses that matter) did not tell you from the start that you also have other parents; now you must go through the trauma (and post-traumatic stress symptoms, possibly) of having your sense of yourself all tossed upside-down/around. I can only tell you that your previous depression may be related to some sense of an unspoken family secret; in my case, such a secret was that I'd been TB-positive just after starting kindergarten----no big deal, but the secrecy caused "school phobia" and other troubles; you may well be freed of your depression eventually simply by knowing your past. And, by the way, if you find your birthparents, this usually brings joy to both parties!
I am 30. I was adopted as a baby but I knew from the start. Many people have said don't you what to find out who you are and I go I know who I am. I am the sum of all the things that have happened to me... i am who I am and every day that changes but the things I do and the people I love are the things which make me who I am. My mum loves me and has always been there for me and if you ask ppl the definition of mum she fits it ( ..ie she still rings me up to ask me what I've had to eat today or if its cold rings to see if if her grandson has a singlet on...) No doubt life feels very unstable and insecure but you will get through this and know yourself more. Ask questions and get someone to talk to (even professionally) Just remember it doesn't chnge who you are.
What else are you depressed about, if you don't mind my asking?
I come from a not so great family background; I'm also one of three adopted children. And I'll tell you, the adoption issue isn't really a big deal. It just is. For better or worse, your parents picked you 16 years ago. It's done.
Sure, you need time to adjust to the fact. But try not to let it mean more than it is. I suppose if you want to find out information about your genetic parents go ahead and feed the need, but be prepared to find out they aren't any better or worse people than your present parents are. (A clean slate is a very enticing thing, but it tends to get fouled with writing very swiftly).
You are, after all, the same person you have been for the past 16 years. This one fact doesn't really change much. So try not to let it take over your life. After 16 years, it ain't goin' nowhere.
i'd say try to work out whatever else is making you depressed. After all, if you were happy right now, finding out your adopted wouldn't seem like such an awful thing. Your perception of life is likely casting a very negative view on the whole adoption issue.
I hope this helps somewhat, I remember being a miserable, depressed child half the time at 16..15...14 (you get the idea!). If I'd read this I doubt I'd have taken it to heart. Being a teenager was not an experience I'd care to go through again. :)
Here's the hard cold truth, you're adopted . . . I know, duh! But it's NOT a bad thing. For whatever reason, you were put up for adoption and someone CHOSE you. If you look at it with different lenses, that's a wonderful thing. When you're adopted, someone actually gets to choose you. I remember my mom telling me that when I was adopted, they chose the most beautiful baby in the room (even though it now looks like I've taken a lifetime of beatings with an ugly stick ;)
Yes, it's shocking, but only if you choose to look at the negative side. I was adopted and my parents divorced when I was 7. They still love me, and picked me. You are still loved. Embrace your uniqueness and maybe you can help others who are going through the same hard time you are!
I feel so much for your pain. My parents got divorced and it took three years of misery for them to finally finish the deal. They were so cruel to each other and I had this great love for a young man who was four years older than me, so I ended up getting pregnant and did not want to bring my daughter how to such a violent and hateful household. So, I ended up being so depressed from the loss of a family and the loss of my daughter. It was a horrible time. In my day they didn't have counselors available, so I turned to drinking to numb my feelings; however, I would never suggest that, but I would suggest that you run to the nearest school counselor or psychologist, or if your parents have health insurance--FIND A COUNSELOR. They will help you sort out your feelings so you can move forward with some new skills. Pull yourself up and forget talking to your friends because they are not professional and get professional help. Divorce is hard enough on teens and then on top of that finding out you are adopted after all this time is devastating. Find you power and your voice, and you may have to be your own best parent for a while. Take care of yourself. You can find support and you will come to terms with all that has happened.
I no it must be hard. my husband only just found out a few years ago he was too. but u got to think, those people who adopted u must have wanted and loved you so much to adopt u. they may be split up from each other but there love for you continues. so yes it hard but think positive, you have something that alot of kids who are with there birth parents dont have... parents that care.
stay strong x
I am not sure what to think about your statment " you have something that alot of kids who are with there birth parents dont have... parents that care." There are some cause where adopted children are treated wrongly, I don't think it is fair to lable birth parents as bad. I am a birthmother and I am sure, postive I would have been a great mother to him and I did care enough to give him Life and two parents who love him - what greater love is that. You may not have ment it that way but I took some offense to it.
I too was adopted (at 3 mnths). The difference is that I grew up knowing I was. I grew up an only child. My parents adopted me then when I was 4 & 5 my mom had two premies that didn't survive.
I met both my Birth Mother's and Birth Father's families when I was 21 years old (now I'm 38). I have a sister and 2 brothers to my Birth Mother and 3 sisters to my Birth Father.
I know that being the age that you are, life can be challenging enough being a teen has it's ups and downs, that is for sure.
Also, with your parents' break up this is a difficult time for you to be finding out this kind of information. BUT, being adopted is NOT a bad thing. You see, most of us that were put up for adoption were so b/c our Birth Parents felt it was the VERY best thing for us. They wanted to be able to provide a better life for us then they themselves thought they could offer us at that time.
They don't give us up too easily either, most really struggle with their decision and have to deal / cope with their decision the rest of their lives, BUT remember, they chose to give us LIFE. They didn't have to, there are other options, BUT they opted for the BEST! It's because your Birth Parents loved you so much they wanted you to have better than they had to offer at the time. Think of it as your Birth Parents loved you so much they gave you life, then they chose to give you a better life. And your adoptive parents loved you so much they gave you love and a home to grow in.
Think of it this way; any of us can get pregnant, BUT we were chosen and truly wanted by our (adoptive) parents. They went well out of their way to include us in their life. That makes being adopted a SPECIAL thing.
I was married at 25, had my son at 27, separated and divorced at 35, in a most wonderful relationship with the love of my life and having his baby now at 38. - You can and will survive your parents divorce too. It's NOT because of you! You can still love and share time with both your mom and dad.
We were very concerned about how our son was going to take it when we split up too. And he has dealt with it wonderfully, he's well adjusted, still gets great marks at school and has become a Brown Belt in karate.
You are you, you are special. AND you have a wonderful purpose on this earth even if right now you aren't sure what it is.
I wish you ALL the best! I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to!
Well you have a lot of love on this page as well. I have been on all three sides of the adoption table. I was adopted at 3 wks old by a couple. They did stay married till my mother died. Growing up though knowing I was adopted was well lets say I never felt like I fit in. I didnt look like anyone; even though people would say I looked like one of my parents. I always wondered who I looked like or acted like and had questions galore. At 18 years of age I thought I was invincible; could not get pregant and lived from place to place. Found out i was pregnant. I knew there was no way I was mentally or finacially capable of raising a baby. Through the nine months I would keep going back and forth on what I wanted; keep the baby or give him up for adoption. I knew I never wanted him to wonder about me; so a longtime family friend was wanting to adopt a baby and asked me if I had made my decision. It was the hardest decision Ihave ever made in my life. But living in a greyhound bus station 4 nights a week with just the clothes on back was not the life I was willing to give to him. So I agreed to the adoption under one condition; pictures, and contact when back in America.
Our son, has turned out to be a very good man and I am sooooo proud of him.
YOu are going through some very tough emotions right now and let me tell you something..............you are loved by your parents and if you already has some sense of identity or where or what you want to be or whatever; just know that just because you are adopted does not mean that changes. I met my bio mom and itwas fine and dandy and I learned about my medical and family history and I am glad I met , but I thank god everyday that I had the parents that I had; even though I really thought I hated them growing up for feeling so different, but when I met my mom; the void was filled and i realized she was just another woman a stranger and that my bond and love was with the parents who raised me and loved me.
So cheer up and be you; there is no biological parent that defines who you are; only you define who you are.
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