When is a Good age to tell my child about her biological father?
Hello, i have a 5 year old girl who has recently been adopted by my husband. Her biological father has been out of the picture basically since birth, never paid child support and is addicted to drugs and alcohol, yet he wouldnt give up his rights. Thankfully the courts cut his ties to her and allowed my husband to adopt her. My husband has been In my daughters life since just before she was 2 and he raises her and loves her like his own. We have a baby boy and a baby girl on the way together and my oldest,loves being a big sister. However she has no recollection of ”daddy” not being around. She is a VERY smart girl and i have a feeling she knows we arent telling her something. I dont know when i should tell her. When is a Good age? Im scared to wait too long. Her biological father, though he doesnt care to see her now was pretty upset about getting his rights cut. The last thing the j***a** said to me was ”well fine! Ill be waiting! When she is 18 she can do whatever she wants” He is a frea and he scares me! I want her to know that he is NOT a Good person as she matures. But when should i tell her?
This is a big question to deal with. When I was a little girl I didn't know my biological father until I was almost 6 it was a big shock to me to find out I had another daddy, but he's been in my life since then. Maybe wait a few more years and see if her bio dad is still persistent. If so sit her down and tell her the truth about him. Good luck to you on this.
I'm currently going through an adoption myself and the baby will not be my race and I've been thinking A LOT on how I will tell him about his birth parents. After talking to other people who were adopted I'm going to start at a very early age just so it's something he's familiar with and it's not a big deal as he gets older.
Yes i think i should wait a few years too. The thing is, i know her bio dad isnt going to come around at all because now he legally cant. His right were cut completely. Not that that matters. He never came to see her since she was 6 months old and even then he only saw her a handful of times, mucj of which was just coincidence. He just doesnt care about her.He is too focused on who hes going to sleep with next and where his drugs and alcohol come from. I think its best to wait until she is old enough to understand what those bad ”things” are so i can explain it to her.
I think ur right too to keep it open and honest from the get go with ur situation. Im sure it will be a contant battle to keep people and there opinions at bay. Its probably much healthier to teach ur baby that your family's opinion is the only one that matters.
There doesn't have to be a big "revelation." The knowledge can be introduced quite naturally and casually into conversation. My brother and his wife have two adopted daughters. My children knew about this from a very early age and they had some questions. I explained that a parent was someone who cared for the child, fed him, clothed him, took care of him when he was ill, played with him, etc. This was the true parent, not the birth parent. They accepted this very naturally.
There was a very amusing sequel. When my youngest was still a baby I became ill with hepatitis. Her big sister (then about 11 years old) took care of her during that period, fed her, bathed her, etc., while I was abed. One day she came to me and said the baby was hers because she had been doing all the things a parent did. I had a hard time explaining that I had omitted the "desertion" part from my story.
That makes perfect sense. I did plan on taking a similar approach. Ill explain to her that ”Mom and dad love her and take care of her because thst is,what a real parent does. However sometimes people who become mommies and daddies dont know how or arent ready to love like a Real Mom and daddy. That some of them dont know how to be a parent even if they have a baby. Sometimes these babies that have these kind of parents actually have real moms and dads out there who love them and want to take care of them. ” From there ill explain to her that she has a real dad but he wasnt able to be there when she was born. There was someone else that was tgere when she was born but he didnt know how to love like a real daddy should. Its going to be emotional however but i will do my best keep as ”normal” as possible. im just concerned that she wont understands the ”lack of love” from him part, as much as she will In a few years. Im afraid to tell her to early but also afraid to telk her to late too.
It will only be emotional if you make it so. And the story can come out in bits and pieces over time. In any case I would not mention "lack of love." That would make her feel unlovable. Nor would I suggest that the birth parents were not worthwhile people. Simply saying they could not take care of her is enough. You don't have to know why, nor does she. Children are very accepting.
I understand. I didnt plan to actually tell heh about ”lack of love”. I bet shell figure that out on her own and i worry how she will handle it. Im not sure how it wont be emotoonal. I dpnt plan to make a big deal about it. I will keep my emotions tucked inside. However if i were In her position i dont think it would matter how the news was broken to me, it would be an emotional thing to process. I do want her to know what kind of person her biological father is over time. She will know the Good and the bad. Just as she will know the Good and the bad about me. It just so happens is an extremely unhealthy person to be involved with. I need her to understand that when she is old enough to be on her own. She will know that In time he has a love for her, but there are different kinds of love and his is not the daddy kind.
When my brother's adopted daughters were approaching the end of their teens they wanted to find their birth parents. My brother helped them do so. They see their birth parents but they consider my brother and his wife as their true parents. The reason both of them were put out for adoption was that neither mother was married, and this at a time when being an unwed mother was anathema. The birth parents were all decent people.
I wish my daughter was lucky enough to hav ese a decent kind bio father. Then there would,be hope for a healthy relationship someday. I Dont see that In her futer unfortunately. Im thankful for my husband who has loved her unconditionally. He creates that balance In her Life that she needs and deserves.
Noy sure how else to explain. Like I said, as she GROWS I would like her to know what kind of person heis (GOOD and bad). She is smart but young. Though I WISH she could have a decent bio father its just not in our cards. If she did have a good one yhen shr would know about it. I said I wanted to tell her her bio father was a bum. I want her to know the things that he does and know the dangers of whst he does. She will want to know about him someday and Im not going to lie and tell her he is a goid man who does good things. I understand children are accepting but children DO grow up. If she wants yo see him someday. She will need to be prepared. I simply didnt know when a good time would be and tell her about the existance of her bio father. When that time comes I want to have an explanation for her that she can grasp. She will learn with time what she wants to do with that knowledge but trust me, its not like im going to drop,it on her that he is a ”bum”. She will figure that out on her own as she matured. I was just trying to explain why he scares,me and why I fear for her future with him in it.
Hi to everyone i really admire all those couples that choose to adopt i think its a great thing to do. All those couples seemed to be really responsable and they offer this kids a happy life style i dont know if i would have the courage to do it but i totally dont think its a bad idea, and for those that choose to adopt i think its good to tell them the truth as soon as they are old enough to know about this situation its always better for them to find out about the truth then by someone else that way would b so much hurtfull because you never know how others will tell them the truth so i recommend to simply be honest with ur kids that way u can create a truthfull bond with them
Absolutely agree. I feel the same. Lying or keeping things hidden from,them will only create an environment without trust. If I was in my daughters shoes I believe it would help me to know the necessary details as soon as I could understand them. Otherwise id always be wondering and may come up with my own conclusion that could be way off and get my life going in the wrong direction. Thank you for your post mark_park242.
Introduce her slowly but immediately. Let her know to she has a genetic father and a father that is a coach or guide that will train her to be the best she can be. Do not speak negatively of her Dad, because that translates that their is inherently something wrong with her. He is ill and working to get better. Your best life coaches are the ones you can relate to and push you to achieve beyond your wildest dreams. Have her send him emails that he may never get, but she can tell him what she thinks. This may or may not sit with you. I can tell you ignoring the situation is a time bomb waiting to go off...............
I have a very similar situation, my daughter was about 2 when my husband came into her life, he has since then adopted her and he is the only daddy she has ever known. her bio father never paid child support, my daughter is very sensitive, so we explained to her here and there that she has two daddies but that one daddy lived far away and was very busy so we don't see him. then when my husband was going to adopt her and since then we say (my husband) daddy wanted to be your only daddy so he adopted you, now you have the same last name and me, daddy, and your brother and sister. she is now 7 and as the years go by you can see that there isn't a thought in her mind that she has this other father out there. she never knew him so its hard to miss something you've never known. I know that there will be the day when she asks about him, and when the time comes I will be open and explain to her that we didn't get along and he wasn't ready to take care of a child. Even though he was awful to me and said mean thing about us, and never wanted to be around always wanted her to make the decision about having a relationship with him. I trust I have raised her well enough to know what is right and wrong and taught her that her daddy (my husband) loves her as his own and no one can replace him, so if she did want to meet her bio father and have a relationship with his it would be special and if he did fail and do the same things (leave us with no contact then pop back up in our lives, lie and make up stories) I hope that I have taught my daughter to be careful who she trusts and that she has great boundaries and knows that this is how he is and to not let her. We have a great relationship with his mom and her other two children (they are 2 years older) and I know that if she has questions about him she can ask her.
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