Who's the Mom?

I officially adopted my niece's baby recently.  The baby has been with my family since she was 6 mos. old and is now two.  My niece, who is still in the picture, wants Chloe to call her "Mom".  Now that the adoption is final, how do I tell my niece this is not something I want?  My niece rarely visited when we were taking care of Chloe...and still isn't very present.  What is it that Chloe should call her whenever she does see her?

[gokuangel]

i would say ur the mom u have been taking care of this lil girl for a long time now and i see no reason why she shouldnt be calling u  mommy If u want her to know that chloe is her birth mom then i think thats ok but dont confuse the baby and tell chloe that too.

[suzi-q]

I agree that you are "mom"...Chloe should be told when she is old enough to understand that your niece is her birth mom...The birth mom should be called by her first name...This is just my opinion.

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

i agree shes your baby now your getting up with her , your doing all the mommy things with her , she should call you mom and  her birth mom by her name, when shes lots older and can under stand than i would explain to her what happen. God bless ya .

[chigirl29]

That's a tough one.  Since the birth mother is still in the picture-how about trying to have her call you what you like to be called (ex. mom) and the birthmother (mother or a variant that you like and she agrees to.)

She might resent you forcing mom (only) on her when she is older.  I have a friend who was adopted and she always wanted to know her birth mom and have some sort of mother-daughter relationship--even though she loved her adoptive parents very much.

[kris123]

Being a birthmother, I would want my child to call me mom.  You are her mother but we are also a mother to this child.  I found my son after 15 years and he wrote me a letter and called me mom.  It was the most wonderful thing for me.  He will always be my son and no one can take that from me.  Just as she is your daugher, she does still have another mother, not the same though and I understand this.

[maybebaby29]

I'm an adoptee and I can see your point. When I found my birthmom she wanted me to call her mom and I just couldn't do it. I understand Kris123's feelings and respect it. However, I felt that it was a slap in the face to the mom that raised me.

[NanaGG]

You have been fuctioning and aremnow legally her mom. Your neice is her birthmom, 2 very different postions. At this younge age it would be very confusing for her to be calling 2 women mommy! Not appropriate anyway. You are her legal parent and she is her birthmom. You are now responsible for her care in all areas and need to establish that postion. I think every child should know about their birth parent in time, and when they are older it should be up to them( and the bio.) if they want to call them mom or dad.( without feeling guilty) It would in addition not inplace of the parent that raised them. It should never take anything away from the parent that has raised them. It is all about the child, not the adult. Your neice had the choice to be the mom to raise her and forfeited  her  legal right. She needs to obide by your decision as her parent. YOU are her mom. There will be many decisions you will have to make regarding your daughters best interest. She is YOUR child. If she was not a family member this wouldn't even be an issue right? So ask yourself if she were a stranger would you feel differently?  Of course not. I just makes it harder for you because she is your neice.My husband is a bio dad, we were contacted many years ago and developed a good relationship with his kids.(twins) They wanted to call us mom and dad, and we had no problem. We take nothing from their  parents and always make sure we give them honor. ( We all know we are not their primary parents.) Their mom suggested to the kids that it would be nice to call us mom and dad. It's about working together for the benefit of the children, even adult children, which our are. Not about us, it's about them. If your neice has the interest of her bio child, she would not demand or ask something like this of you. If she was not the bio child of cloe what would you have your child call her? That is what she should be called, because that is the relationship to you and your family. Congratulation, this is wonderful and you sound like a great mom and have wisdom in this matter. It's about your daughter, not Chloe Good Luck, God bless your family!! :) :):):):) ( hopes this helped)

[Looking4]

Congratulations on a lifetime of joy ahead of you.  As an adoptive father, I just want to let you know that your life is forever changed for the better.

   I would like to offer some solid advice, everyone seems to be telling that you have the right to be called Mom and you should tell your niece what to do.  They don't get where you are coming from.  

I do.  I was raised by by birth father's sister.  (My mother died when I was a baby).  So my Aunt was my Mom, her husband was my Dad.  So what was my birth father called? Simple . . . .  Poppa Daddy.  That is what I called him.  It incorporated the word Daddy, but he wasn't my Dad.

Maybe your niece could be Momma Susie, or Susie Momma or whatever.  Your niece needs to know to avoid complications everywhere, you want to be called Mom.  Respect your niece for giving you a wonderful gift and having her in the picture at all, will actually make things easier on Chloe in the long run.

As I did, Chloe will know that love makes you her Mom regardless of what you or your niece are called.  But don't keep things a secret, incorporating a form of Mom into your niece's name might work for all parties.  It did for me.

[NanaGG]

Just a correction:  I miss understood that chloe was your daughters name not your neices. sorry about that. Chloe surely has been given a lot of love. She will have a special relationship with you all. If you feel as you do right now about your neice and what she wants to be called, you do need to share how you feel about it, I am sure that your neice will respect your wishes. All works out in time. It is a special gift to give one the gift of life. I wish many other would relize that, it is just as special a gift to recieve a child into ones life. Double blessings:)

[polly22]

Great, great suggestions--suggest to Chloe she use some special name--one that includes Mom (or Mum, or Mah-Mah, or whatever)---that pleases both her and her first/original mom, while calling you/lafnatitall Mom (or Mommy or whatever). "Mum" for her first mom might do the job, actually.     Pretty obviously, this discussion of "what to call the birthmom," like all such discussions, gets into the old false question "who's the 'real' mom?"; but what is wonderful in this discussion is how most everyone commenting is really concerned with what can really work for this real little girl, Chloe, and her real Mom and real first Mum. I think that is great.