Advice needed on caregiving

My wife and I have been living with her mother for four years now.

My FIL dies four years ago, and my MIL depended on him to do everything for her. She hasn't been shopping in fifteen years, and only leaves the house to see doctors or get her hair done. This by her own choice, and really boils down to laziness.

She is 83 now, and her attitude is "I worked hard all my life (about fifteen years, actually), and now I want to do what I want to do".

What she wants to do is lay in bed twenty two hours a day and have meals on a whim. Her husband catered to that desire for several years, and my MIL was often sick and bedridden because she was eating at odd hours and her medication schedule was completely messed up.

He finally died prematurely from trying to care for her, and we took over. Since she gets around with a walker, it was not possible to move her in with us, so we moved in with her.

The first thing we did was put her back on three meals a day, with snacks as wanted or needed. She hated that, and it is still a daily point of contention.

She takes heart meds, SEVERAL pain pills, vitamins, and other meds I haven't paid enough attention to know about. The point is, most of her meds require food at the same time. If she is eating regular meals, it is much easier to give her the meds at the proper time and in the proper way.

Her health has improved tremendously since being put back on a routine. However, she has started to develop dementia, and her short term memory is very bad.

She has the most annoying tendency to look for the bad in everything. If it's a cloudy day, she wonders about the impending storm. If it's a sunny day, she wonders about the impending storm. if she asks about the grandkids, it always progresses into the negative, annoying, depressing things. "Is she a good wife? (No) When will they get married? Does she cook for him?

She looks for the bad in EVERYTHING, and then fleshes it out until I get quite annoyed. If we try to turn the conversation positive, she changes the subject and finds something else inoccuous to go on about how terible it is.

She loves current events, because there is always some tragedy to  discuss. Every time some girl comes up missing it is a week of tongue clicking and speculation. The war, any war. Hillary Clinton. She hates her, and obsesses about what would happen if she gets elected. On and on and on.

It sounds like I am bitter and totally unfit for my role in helping her, but all the negativity is getting very stressful. The fact that she forgets she has covered the same agravating Hillary rant twice today already does not make it any easier to listen to again.

We are supporting her financially as well as caring for her. My wife does all the cooking, cleaning, bathing, etc., and her mother spends most of the day lying in bed watching TV. She could help a little, but she doesn't want to.

Needless to say, she is not getting any exercise, and after almost three years of trying to get her to do simple exercises to keep her muscles from atrophying, we have given up.

The reason I am posting this thread, ironically, is my concern for my wife. The stress that is oozing from my fingertips right now is nothing compared to what my wife is feeling.

She wants to do what is best for her Mother, but the last four years have aged my wife considerably. She is getting less and less tolerant of her Mother's unwillingness to do anything that is good for her, and every meal turns into an argument about whether her Mother ate two bites, or three bites. Her mother acts like a child, and my wife treats her like one.

This is not the way it should be. It is not the way it has been. But it is the way it is now.

I act as a buffer and that helps, but the way my wife is reacting lately is not good, and she does not even see it happening. She needs more than time out with the girls or a weekend away. She needs a support group or something.

She has spoken with someone at Human services, and someone from Hospice, and is going to be attending a support group for people who have lost their parents, but I'm not sure that is going to bear fruit.

She has realized of late, and expressed to me, that she is angry at her Mother for killing her Father, which surprised me but also made perfect sense. Maybe the support group will be able to help her work that out.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this.
Maybe I'm looking for a support group?


I could post three more posts this long to explain the entire situation, and maybe I will.
Just looking for someone to talk to, I guess.

[caregiver222]

It's hard. My first two cents worth is to let her eat when she wants, and forget about the "three meals a day". It appears to me she is being bossed around for no good reason and expresses resentment by being a pain-in-the-neck.  Getting nutrition on board when the person wants to eat is more important than a schedule. This is how I solved the problem. Get a little refrigerator for her room (about $75) and make the meals up in the morning, plus snacks, and put them in the little refrigerator. Then get a small microwave ($150) in the room for her to heat the food when she wants. The more participation she has in the situation, the better. I sense a lot of resentment here, probably justifiied, but counterproductive, and a festering sore. I think you should have looked for special houring for the elderly before moving in. This may not be available in your area. There is often a waiting list. These have private apartments set up for assisted living, daily visits by a nurse, a common area for people on the floor, daily activities, and in my area have a rental rate set at 25% of your monthly income. She doesn't qualify for hospice (usually a six month time to death is a requirment). If you are in the United States she may qualify for a part-time home attendent. It bothers me somewhat that you "moved in to take care of her" and yet she has "pain pills, heart meds, etc. you haven't bothered to find out about." Think about that statement. Unacceptable.  If you didn't want to take responsibility for her you shouldn't have moved into her home. You have been through a lot of stress and psychological pain from this situation, but you posted and that's my take. It is very labor-intensive to take on the responsibility of caring for someone else. It can occupy your entire existence. There are some people who are "psychic vampires". And they can be elderly. They drain your energy. If you are in this situation, you need additional help. Look around for a college student (preferably nursing) who will care for her a certain numnber of hours a week in return for room and board. Everyone in life has a cross to bear and we are all dealt different hands. Some good. Some hands bad. You are not a bad person and the situation is structured in such a way as to be very stressful. As far as this business about micromanaging her mother's life and getting into arguements about "one bite, two bites," I see an elderly person who is near the end who is trying to assert control by the simple method of "saying no". And all of this seems to revolve around the imposed "three-meal regimin". It appears you and your wife have reached the end of your rope. As much as I hate nursing homes, there are semi-nursing assisted living facilities available in which your patient may be much happier.  I am not sure what assets are available or what kind of assisted living facilities are around. As far as this business about "dying prematurely because he cared for her", I have heard that before and I don't buy it. I see so much anger and disguntlement and marital arguments hidden behind your post, it isn't funny. I can't tell you what your responsibilities are to this woman you are caring for. But there is no half-way. There are professionals involved in the social services business. You need to interface with one of these and see what government assisted car you can get and what care alkternatives are available. Then tally up all assets, and make a decision. If she has a go consider a reverse mortgage to pay for a full time live-in aide, and think about you and your wife moving out. You are under tremendous pressure and I don't want to seem to make your life any more difficult or make you feel bad. But this is a bad situation that will only get worse.

[AR-10]

As far as my ignorance of her medications, my wife takes care of that very well, and her own. It's all I can do to tell you from memory what medications I am on.

My MIL is on three different pain meds, and they MUST be taken with food. Every meal has pain pills. Bedtime snack has pain pills.

When her husband was alive, she was taking her pills whenever she liked and ate whenever she liked. My wife tried to straighten that out back then, to no avail.

My MIL would go a week at a time too sick to get out of bed with a potty next to the bed, and her husband caring for her and letting her take her pills with no food and bringing her bread and jelly at three in the morning. Which was why she was sick and in bed.

Now that her husband is gone, she really wants to be with him. Nobody wants to die, but part of her wants to die.

I can relate to that, actually.

There have been times she has tried to starve herself, and meals are always an issue. It's like she has a sub-concious phobia of food. But she'll get up in the middle of the night and eat a half a jar of jelly.

Or bread with butter and salt on it.

I found her one afternoon eating raw ground pork at the fridg. She insisted she had been doing that all her life and it was perfectly fine. I told her she couldn't do that, or she would get sick. Two hours later she was sick.

She needs supervision in the eating department.

It's about control, no doubt about it. It's one of the few things she has control over in her life. That, and how she chooses to spend her time.

Between the need for regularity and the need to administer drugs correctly, a practice of eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner at regular, normal hours is not a terrible thing.

It's when she eats two bites of green beans and one spoonful of potatos and then takes three pain pills that it becomes a problem.

It has turned into a much longer term situation than I first imagined. The way her health was when her husband died, I didn't think we'd be living there for a year.

In fact, we lived out of suitcases the first year while our house sat empty, but with all of our stuff in it. But my wife got her mother's meds and eating straightened out and she got healthier.

At first it was fine, and everybody was family. But the last year or so my MIL has gotten very bad about eating, and she has gone through bouts where it is obvious she does not want to eat at all. My wife has drug her through those times and now it is often a contest of wills.

And I'm in the middle.

My wife won't let my MIL starve to death.
My MIL is lucid enough to know what she is doing 80% of the time, and she is strong willed.

It's no fun anymore. My wife has been under an incredible amount of stress for two years over my health. She needs a relief valve, and I'm not filling the bill.

We could put her in a home. The nursing homes around here are horrible. That's why we're living here. Her Mother deserves better care and living conditions than that.

She can get around fine, and enjoys looking out the picture window and kavetching about the weather. She can handle the bathroom alone 90% of the time. She just needs supervision and assistance. It's not time to put her in a home.

It's time to figure out how to help my wife keep from going nuts.

We don't have marital arguments. She has gotten angry with me a couple times the last few months for the way I "buffered", but we don't have arguments. We have dscussions and express our thoughts or frustrations, but we are of the same mind as far as the current and future course.

We are doing the right thing. Maybe not all the right ways.
But it's not easy and bouncing ideas off of other people is one way to make it easier.

[caregiver222]

I shouldn't have been so hard on you. You have a situation which may have no answers. If possible you need to get a third person in there providing some assistance. In the United States a part time helper is often available through insurance. If not consider a reverse mortgage to find an aide. Remember if she goes into a home they will confiscatre all assets in return for taking care of her. While she is sentient you should get her to sign a health care proxy, if she agrees. I wasn't suggesting a home. The assisted living facilities are quite different. My mother (not my 103 year old sweet-heart) got into one of these complexes and enjoyed herself immensely. She had her own apartment, plus there was a pull cord to get 24/7 assistance in all the rooms, and a community room in the building, plus a daily visit from a health care professional. She had a years wait to get into this facility, which was restricted to residents of her geographical area and sponsored by a religous organization with federal funds. It was non-denomenational. There are other alternatives to nursing homes.

[AR-10]

There are alternatives for the well-heeled.

Assisted living facilities are expensive.
We have two, both connected directly to the hospital. One is for the resident that is fairly self reliant, with accomodations for certain limitations. The other is for those that need more hands-on care, but less care than many in nursing homes require.

They are both very expensive and out of reach for a person on a fixed income.

My MIL's SS covers her house payment, taxes, and insurance, with about $50 a month left over, which is "her" money. We pay all the rest, including her medications and her own seperate phone.

We moved her folks up here from Oklahoma City in 2000, and they purchased this house with a low interest loan. There is very little equity in it, and frankly I don't care if the nursing home ends up with it or not.

My wife has legal and medical power of attorney for her Mother. The house has been put in a trust, which does not shield it from the nursing home.

Home Health Care isn't really something we would benefit from at this time, because my wife is willing to and capable of bathing her Mother and taking care of the house. If we had someone coming in an hour or two, or four, a week, it would be to socialize with my wife and my MIL. Maybe that would be a good thing, but it's an expense we can't afford at the moment.

In hindsight, moving in was a terrible idea. We did it out of love and compassion, and with good intentions, but several situations have changed, and we find ourselves in a rather precarious spot now.

Our house, which sat empty for three years, is occupied by my son and his young family. They are renting for the moment, with the intent to purchase it soon.

If my MIL MUST go to the care center any time soon, we will be looking for a different place to live. She could chug along another four years as she is now, or she could wake up with a dibilitating stroke this morning.

Nothing in life is secure or guaranteed, but that is a little less stability than I would have chosen with foresight.

Moving in with her short term made perfect sense. I honestly thought it would be very short term. As time passed it slowly morphed into something more complicated and permanent.

Had I known the toll it would take on my wife physically and mentally, I would have been ruthless and her Mother would have died in a nursing home three years ago.

Between my own poor health and the fact that every time we leave the house together her mother does something naughty, we have no social life any more.

We don't visit friends, they don't visit us. We seldom go out to eat. "Shopping days" or weekend outings are infrequent.

It's no huge mystery why my wife is short tempered or impatient. She needs an outlet. Emphasis on the OUT. I just don't know how to help her.

This whole post is about me, about "we". My MIL is getting along fine. It is us young ones who need the help here. We are the ones in an increasingly difficult situation. My MIL is lying in bed blissfully sleeping. We're the ones who need help, not her.

She's getting all the care and attention she needs, albeit sometimes the assistance is provided tersly of late.

I'm looking for tools or coping skills to help my wife and I survive this. I don't want my wife looking back on these years after her Mother is gone and wallowing in grief because she had her buttons pushed by her Mother so many times that she grew to hate her.

It's not like we are the only ones doing this. Well, nobody else in this town is doing it. People have been doing it for centuries.

The only real difference in our situation is the fact that we moved in with her rather than her moving in with us. Under the circumstances, it was required. Our house was not a practical living situation for her. It has, however, complicated things quite a bit.

I'm just venting, looking for suggestions, and venting.

[seyf]

Your situation sounds intolerable. Here is the way I see it:

Your job as a husband is to protect yourself and your wife from the insanity of this situation. Your wife sounds like she is on the verge of a total break-down, and no one should have to live this way.
Your MIL sounds like a master manipulator who enjoys being the "queen" of the household and pulling everyone else strings like puppets. She is being unreasonable, uncooperative, manipulative, and selfish. This does not sound like it is part of the dementia because it sounds like she has always been like this, and she got away with it with your FIL, and now she is getting away with it with you and your wife. You cannot control her, but you can control your response to her and limit what you are willing to do for her. She should be doing as much as she is capable of for herself, not being waited on and catered to like she is on vacation in a 5 star hotel. People like this can totally suck you dry, make you sick, ruin your marriage, and they make it seem like it is you, not them, at fault.

There are several caregiver organizations that you can access online who can help you find a caregiver's support group. Just do an online search for caregiver organizations and you will find them. You and your wife would probably benefit immensely from seeing a therapist on a regular basis to help you set boundaries on her demands, control issues, and manipulations, and to help you figure out how to get out of this house, either permanently or on a regular basis for some positive experiences and interactions. She is consuming you, and dealing with people like that is extremely difficult. She won't change, but you can change your response to her and say no to some of her demands.
You can refuse to talk about negative issues, change the subject, or just walk away and not be around her (but tell her why, so she has the opportunity to think about it.)
She may be depressed and one of the symptoms of depression is a negative outlook on life and everyone and everything about it. She should be evaluated for depression, and treated for it if that is the case.
Go to the library and do a subject search on personality disorders- narcissism, borderline personality, etc. Look also at dependancy and dealing with manipulative people. See if any of that info fits and check out some books.
Hire a high school helper to come in several times a week for 2-3 hrs. to get out of the house and away from her. Make a rule that during that time, you do something enjoyable, and do not discuss her or the situation. Just focus on fun, your relationship, and your freedom. If at all possible-move out and get a live-in in exchange for room and board. The money you spend on help may save your sanity and health. High school helpers are often happy to have an after school job, even at minimum wage. While they are there, they can empty the dishwasher, straighten up, fold and put away clothes, dust, water plants, etc. Six to eight dollars an hour is reasonable for your escape times.
They can do those things and still talk to your MIL and keep her company.
Does your wife have any siblings that can come care for your MIL so you and your wife can take an actual vacation?
I would have a serious discussion with your MIL and give her the tough love approach. I would give her jobs to do, like fold clothes, etc.and make her responsible for taking care of herself in every way she is physically capable of. It sounds like you are doing way more for her than need be and enabling her dependancy on you, much like a spouse can enable an alcoholic to keep drinking. This is destructive behavior, even though you feel like you must help her, take care of her, and feel guilty if you don't. If you expect something from her, she may rise to the occasion and feel more productive and happy.
I wish you luck and fortitude. Don't remain a slave to her and ask for help from other family members if your wife is doing it all and there are others who could pitch in.

[jo929]

yes your first mistake was in moving in with her if she was able to do for herself your wife could have went over once a day or 4 times a wk anyone can get some one in for 4 hours a day i think it is 3 days per week or they will come in every day for 2 hours and it would be free anyone thet draws medicare can get it free your wife and you should have took her out somewhere where the seniors go i can see why she would be getting dementia just sitting in the house she should have been told to do for herself as long as she was able to be waited on all of the time is not good but that is you and your wifes fault she should have had some kind of therapy and that is free to make use of all her limbs also the caregiver could have fixed her food for several days and as caregiver said she could have a small fridge but it is better if she walks to get it i have worked for 40 years with people all ages and i loved taking care of them but you have to be firm but kindalso she needs to keep her mind occupied and let her watch her own tv in her room and you and wife in another that is if you stay you may have worked hard all your life as you put it 15 years that is not long i also worked hard all my life started at 15 and i quit at 72 to take care  of cancer husband who is on oxygen and that has been quite some time there was a time when i could not walk but i knew i had to so i almost crawled but i walk now also it is a little late to start trying to train those muscles of mil but try and tell you wife to let day care come in and help some and tell mil to do what she can  hind sight i guess does not help but you will know now to have someone do more for ones self and i bet she would have been glad to if you had told her to it really is hard to advise this late in the game yoo said you did not think it would be this long what did you expect for her to die soon no disrespect intended but if you wife wants it free care is provided thru medicare if she is still able to walk maybe just maybe your wife can train her a little to do more for herself she should have done that right off and said mom you have to help yourself some she might have do it yet if wife tells her she is getting to tired to do it also most people with health problems think of death that is common why not give it a try trll your wife to tell mom she is sick let wife pretend she cant get this or that and just wait and see just what the ole gal is capable of if she can be manipulative she can do more give it a whirl what can you lose i know your frustrations i have been there my mom was bedfast also my husband does not walk i am still there but i will do the best i can caregiver comes in twice a week gives him sponge bath i do  hope that you and your wife can work out some solution are there other children maybe i do wish that i could be of more help but let her entertain herself give her something to do and if she yells let her yell she will quit soon           lots of luck   jo

[mamaboulet]

I have such sympathy for you. You are going through what we could be working up to in the next couple of years. We had to move my mom in with us because she wasn't taking care of herself and was getting sicker and thinner month after month. After a couple of trips to the hospital, and a couple of weeks in a skilled nursing facility, she agreed to move in with us. She made herself sick by constantly eating semi-spoiled food from dirty plates. Her refrigerator was a biological red zone. She wouldn't exercise (she has emphysema and lacks "energy"). She wouldn't take proper care of her dog. Since she has moved in with us, she has gained almost 20 pounds (she had developed a two year case of IBS for no "apparent" reason. That's because she never told a doctor about her constant daily bacteria intake) and isn't weak and wobbly the way she was. Still no energy, and she never will have, because she still sneaks cigarettes with advanced emphysema and only walks her dog slowly for short distances. She spent 6 weeks in a pulmonary rehab program building up her strength and endurance, and the day it ended was the day she stopped doing a single thing they had taught her.
So I have a mom who has all her mental faculties, but has no energy and rarely goes out and just sits and does crossword puzzles in the living room day in and day out.
My husband deals with it very well, but I'm going completely bonkers. All I do is wash dishes and clothes and cook meals and feed her dog because she's too busy with her crossword puzzle to remember. I keep wondering what's going to happen when she makes the next notch down in energy or mobility. She already has a scooter chair but won't use it.
It has only been a little over a year, but I'm seeing years of claustrophobia and frustration from living with my mother. I have already begged my sisters in Alaska to please please PLEASE convince her to go up there for a couple of months some time this year.
For those of you who have to deal with dementia or pill giving or mobility, I am SO sorry. I'm doing this because I love my mom and don't want her final years to be lived in squalor and sickness, but jeez, instead I get to spend my days thinking of her as a really annoying roommate and hiding out in the garage when I get too claustrophobic (and yes, we have a very small house and I am unemployed).

[AR-10]

I think it's actually easier to deal with if it's not your own parent. There are things that drive my wife up the wall that really don't upset me that much.

Mother and Daughter is very different than me and MIL. Mother and daughter have had MANY years to learn what sets the other off, and button pushing is easy and entertaining if you are bored.

My MIL will set at the table and make a remark that basically translates to "you're getting fat", just to tick my wife off, and then look at me and say "what did I do?" when my wife gets upset.

I keep my buttons well hidden.


Why did I think it would be a short term araingement?

My MIL was in a hospital recovering from a broken hip when her husband died. Her health was very bad, and had been for some time, because of her pill taking/eating habits.

She had an operation on her brain the year before, because she skipped several doctor appointments, because she didn't want to leave the house, and ended up overdosing on Cumadin (coumadin)(sp?) and bleeding from every weak spot in her body.

With the broken hip, she graduated from extended care in the hospital to rehab in the care center, and when the care center said they had made as much progress with her as they could, we decided to take her home and move in with her.

She was able to get around with a walker, but cooking and living on her own was not possible. Her health was still rocky, and she was in her late 70's and had lost her mate of 53 years.

She was grieving that loss and to be perfectly frank, I expected her to die soon. She was mad that Bill had left her alone, and just wanted to go be with him.

Given the fact that the last year she had been in bed and unable to get to the bathroom much of the time, I did not expect a miraculous turn-around, but I could not see the point of leaving her to rot in the foul facility that we have here.

We took her home to let her die the way I would want to die. At home, in bed. Not in some stinking facility where they wheel you to the dinner table and then wheel you back to your room whether you have eaten or not. Or let you skip supper if you tell them you are not in the mood.

So yah, I expected a short stay. Two months turned into six, turned into a year, and we decided we had lived out of suitcases long enough.

My wife nursed her back to health by forcing her to take her meds properly, and forcing her to go to doctor's appointments, and forcing her to eat balanced meals. Sort of like they would do at any competant hospital or nursing facility.

It has been a battle of wills the whole time.

My MIL is lazy. If my wife gives her her clean laundry and asks her to fold it and put it away, it ends up in a pile on a chair in her room. She is lazy. She could clean the kitchen or dust her bedroom herself if she wanted to, but she wants to lay in bed.

She could sit at the table and read or do puzzles or watch TV or any number of things, but she doesn't want to spend more than fifteen minutes out of bed. LAZY!!!

She doesn't want to eat, because that makes her go to the bathroom, and both activities require her to get out of bed.

Yah, her husband died prematurely because she wore him out. He waited on her hand and foot, did all the cooking and shopping, cleaned up her messes, and had heart failure before his time.

She's nearly worn us out, and if it was just my wife doing it, she would be in worse shape than she is now.

That sounds bitter and angry, I am sure, but it is an honest assessment of the situation.

I'll look online and see if there is a forum I can get my wife interested in. We both need counselling, or an outlet of some sort. Venting here has helped me. But I'm used to internet forums.

My wife would get upset about some of the comments in this thread, but I understand that it is hard to communicate via computer, and the WHOLE story rarely gets told in one or two posts, so people offer their thoughts and suggestions based on incomplete information. I do it all the time.

That, and sometimes the truth hurts. We're not perfect. I'm looking for opinions and suggestions, and my feelings aren't going to get hurt if I'm told I am wrong.

I apreciate the advice, suggestions, and commiseration. I'll keep an eye on this thread and think about what each of you have shared.

It doesn't bother me if someone here thinks I'm an insensative idiot, or if they recommend something that is not possible in our particular circumstance. I just pump out another post, try to explain things, upset somebody else, and strike a chord with someone who reads it and says "you know, MY Mother is becoming an annoying roommate...".

My wife hides in the basement a lot, on her computer. I hide in the garage. :^)  

[caregiver222]

I don't think you are an insensitive idiot, for what it's worth. You have a difficult situation. If anyone is sometimes an insensitive idiot, I probably fit the bill.

[seyf]

Your MIL may be seriously depressed, which makes people want to escape life by staying in bed, in the house, not doing anything (including eating) because they have no energy or motivation. Has she been evaluated for depression? Has she had her thyroid levels checked to see if her thyroid is working adequately? Treatment is possible and can work wonders. Your best bet is a geriatric psychiatrist if one is available in your area, but any good psychiatrist or even her regular doctor can prescribe meds for depression.
I feel for you and hope you find some answers and help for all of you.

[eurekaright]

My best bet is that your MIL could have some kind of depresiion, as seyf suggested.
You moving in with her is in a way putting the ball in your court as the opposite, her coming to live with you. Her husband passing away is a big blow for your MIL, and an understandable one. My mother went to live with my younger brother and then with me after my dad passed away and my mom was depressed for almost 2 years (she cried as my dad was mentioned since they were married for 49 yrs.), but after she was catered by my brother and my SIL I told her to live with me. She dis everything in my apartment, from fixing me breakfast every day and cleaning the whole apartment for 5 years, untill she was had heart failure in March 2006 (atrial fillibration) and had to go be taken by ambulance to the hospital. She lost 30 lbs. during that hospital stay and was never again able to do most she did before, but she still fixes me breakfast every day, and fixes the beds. But we had enormous support from church friends who caome here almost every day to help. Now she had to be taken to the hospital again last December for her fast heart beat and for a pacemaker implant. It took her 2 months to recover. Now I will have to move to a ground level apartment because she has geart difficulty going up and down the stair case. A mayor change in my live was that since March 2006 I had to becaome the chef of the house and I fix all dinners and lunches since then, the good side is that enjoy cooking and it became my hobby...
Your wife is doing the job of the best nurse in the world. But she needs to be given a break, because with so much stress her emotional situation is a ticking bomb...In my case there is no case of depression and that is the mayor advantage or blessing inmy case. I am telling you all this so you could compare and see that others care for you and you are not alone. Your situation is very difficult to solve overnight. It has taken already too much patience and endurance. You and your wife are doing a lot of good to you MIL, but both of you need a break NOW. Could yo talk to people in your church or denomination so they can come and visit while you both go out and have a dinner outside the house, just the two of you alone? Or just go to the movies...or anything you both used to enjoy doing before all this happened. I guarantee you that a regular break will do lots of good and you might come up with a solution.

[eurekaright]

My apologies for the typo's. My mother was having pain in her left shoulder and bicep and I was still a little streesed out deciding if it was a stroke sympthom or some bursitis or arthritis problem and therefore I forgot to check my spelling.

[eurekaright]

Sorry AR-10,
I meant to say that "the ball is in her court now and not the opposite", obviously I am also under some stress, but my heart goes out for you and your wife, because you saved your MIL's live by prolonging her life, and that is something fabulous you both did. Be aware that you ARE doing a great job.

[eurekaright]

Sorry AR-10,
I meant to say that "the ball is in her court now and not the opposite", obviously I am also under some stress, but my heart goes out for you and your wife, because you saved your MIL's live by prolonging her life, and that is something fabulous you both did. Be aware that you ARE doing a great job.

[AR-10]

It doesn't feel like we're doing so great.

My MIL may be depressed. That's certainly possible.

My wife has been on anti-depressants for three years, and I've been having health problems for three years.

I should be on anti-depressants, but my doctors tell me it would not be a good idea because of my illness.

I think with my MIL it is just a personality clash that I didn't see fully until we actually lived with her. She just is who she is.

My own Mother, who is dead now, had a very negative, destructive personality and we kids had a talk long before she went to the care center and decided she wasn't going to live with any of us.

She would have destroyed my marriage and my mental health within a year. Some people are impossible to get along with.

caregiver222, I don't have any problems with your input. Like I said, even with all I posted it's only half the story.

We're in a hard spot because I didn't think far enough ahead and let an emotional situation cloud my judgement. We did the right thing, but I have painted us into a corner.

If it was JUST the stress of dealing with her Mother, my wife would not be struggling quite as badly as she is. My health is bad now, and I'm not working. There have been some very scary moments the last few years and times when I could not take care of myself, leaving my wife to care for both of us for weeks here and there.

The fear of losing me and the extra work of caring for two people at once has been very hard on her. I worry about her a lot because of the stress she is under. I try to help as much as I can, but there is only so much I can do for her emotionally. I help with the housework, but I am under foot, which is another change in all our routines.

The money situation is a constant struggle with me not working, and that is one more stress factor we both deal with.

It's just a lot of stress, and I need to help my wife find an outlet. A support group where she can sit and talk with others and know that it's not her fault that she is under such stress and that other people get angry with those they love from time to time.

I apreciate the thoughts and suggestions you all have given me. Maybe I can get her to sign up and post here.

I ran the idea past her, and she is not real excited about it, but I know it would help her. I'll look harder within the community, too. I know there must be someone in a similar situation she could "go to coffee" with from time to time.

It's not much, but anything that would help the least little bit would still be help.

thanks.  

[seyf]

Do you have a senior day care center or senior rec center in your community? If your MIL can walk with a walker, it would be great to get her out of the house, with other people, for socialization and stimulation, and that would give you both a break. Most communities have something along those lines where you can drop in or schedule regular periods for your senior to be there (with supervision). It would do you all some good to get some space from one another, and if she can go to the doctor and hairdresser, she could go to a senior center. Don't ask her-she'll probably say no, just tell her, or give her a choice, like, do you want to go today or tomorrow? Not going is not an option, but to let her have some control over when she goes would be good. Get a Senior Blue Book for your community at a nursing home, senior center, or possibly your county Dept. of Health. It is worth its weight in gold, full of resources for senior help, activities, volunteer visitation, classes on caregiving, etc. Hope some of this helps. You are placing blame on yourself for your decision to move in with her, but you had no idea what it was going to be like, and you should commend yourself for being willing to help her. You made the best choice you could at the time with the information you had, and none of us know what something is going to be like till we are in the thick of it. Caregiving is difficult even in the best circumstances, so try to let the guilt go and focus on problem solving to make the best choices going forward. A support group will be a wealth of information and emotional support for you and your wife.

[allaboutmary]

I just had it out with my mother.  My sister told me to come on here and read some.  I can't believe how much I can relate.  My mother and I always had a great relationship.....Until she moved in 2 years ago.   The annoying room-mate is exactly what it has become.   She is 80 and capable of doing more than she does. She also lies in bed all day.  I know if I was to have any healthcare proffesional come in they would want her up and moving.  I have tried to encourage her to just take the tiny walk down the driveway to get the mail and the fight begins.  Her hygeine is awful. She does not wash her hands and has a messy colostomy to deal with.  The first year she was here I took care of her colosotmy for her and know how messy it is.  
The worst part about this is I am 47 years old and single.  I am becoming a recluse and so unhappy.  This is going to sound so selfish but I can't help but think ....what about me and my life.  I don't have it as bad as many. She does feed and occasionally shower herself.   I own my own home with a pool and used to love to entertain with BBQ's and such.  Now I'm getting like my mother . I don't care to much about keeping my house clean  no one ever comes over any more since she moved in.  I gave her the large master bedroom and bath, she took over my kitchen island , where i used to run my business.  I now eat all my meals in my bedroom.  I can't stand to watch her eat any longer.  I know you all are going to read this and think I am a horrible daughter, but I am being honest.  Its like some stranger moved in and I lost my mother 2 years ago.  I loved my mother so much, but am having a hard time loving this stranger that lives with me now.  She is so negative and it's sucking the life outta me. She was put on antidepressants a while back , and they did help for a while.  I'm sure they need to up her dose but she refuses to take more.  Nothing nice is really said between us anymore.  Any conversations she turns them into something about her.  Sometimes I feel so resentful because I want my house and life back.  I never thought these words could ever come out of my mouth about my mother.  I worshiped her.    Thanks for letting me vent.  

[swampcritter]

Swampy believes that the number one thing you must not do is sacrifice your own health for the health of another.

Swampy knows it sounds selfish, but your relationships, your dreams, your life is yours. Not your mother in law's, not your sister's, not your dad's...yours.

This means that taking care of yourself must always be first priority. You can sacrifice, you can act out of love, out of duty, out of basic decency, but at the time when your own health and situation starts to be imperiled is the time to thank hard about what you are doing, what you can do to improve your own life.

Swampy will tell it to you straight -- its tough to get good care from an unhappy caregiver.

So what can you do?

If your mother in law can be left alone for short periods, you need to think of activities you can do with your wife. Do you want to see a movie? Do you want to drive 20 miles out, lie on a park bench and just talk? How about fishing? (Swampy doesn't get fishing but to some people its a good time)...anyway, the point is, find something that the two of you can do together that will make your relationship stronger that in no way involves your MIL.

The next thing you should do is hire someone to help your wife for for 3-6 hours per week. You might be lucky and score someone to help with caregiving, but given all that your wife does, someone to do some of the cleaning would be a help. You might also talk to your MIL's old church. Even if she hasn't been in years, they often have someone who can help you.

Swampy hopes that you will keep us up to date, and wishes you the best.

[DLA]

Have you tried finding help from your church?  How about old friends of your mil's to come and sit with her while the two of you get some time off?  My grandmother had friends who were in much better shape that would come in and visit with her while my grandfather and us got away for some time to destress.  If there are friends around her age they don't usually judge or get their feathers ruffled very easily.  And in all likelihood she wouldn't treat them the way she does the 2 of you.

Sounds like she may also need an anti-anxiety med.  This is pretty common with people who suffer from dementia.  They suffer from high levels of anxiety b/c of it and of course her other health problems.  Will also make her sleep a considerable number of hours a night so that you can both get a good night's rest.  And if she can't make it to the bathroom in the night, put a diaper on her.  Not the worst thing in the world to do to a person, I guarantee you.

Good luck and remember:  The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

[sweetchecks]

I can relate to your situation so much that it's scary.......My dad died this last November, he was taking care of my mom too......waiting on her hand and foot......he put his own health at risk......I watched him run himself to death.......
I too moved in with my mom to care for her......It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life......my husband and I have no time for each other anymore.......it seems everything is always about her....I love my mom, don't get me wrong but she is so demanding and seems to want her way about everything......
She lays all day watching tv and I wait on her hand and foot...she can get up and walk with a walker and gets around at times real well....but she would rather sit and not make the effort....
I have only one sister and she won't help a bit.....she lives a few houses down from us and won't show her face in fear I might ask her to help with something.....
I have to cut this short,,,,,she's calling me to do something for her right now......talk to you later......
good luck and try to keep smiling though it all..........:)

[mamaboulet]

I come here to remind myself that many of you are worse off than me. I'm one of the ones with the "annoying roommate." Last night she made me so mad I ended up sitting at Easter dinner thinking, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you." I didn't even feel that way about her when I was a teenager, but I'm beginning to now.
Her energy is declining again after we built it up for a year, not due to excess weight loss and GI difficulties (got that all under control), but due to her sneaking more and more cigarettes, thus making her emphysema worse.
Then she told me she wasn't going to go spend a couple of months with my sisters and her sisters in Alaska this year (I SO needed that) because traveling is just SO tiring for her now. In the same breath she broadly hinted she wanted to go with my husband and I to Mexico in a couple of years when we FINALLY go on our delayed honeymoon. How dare she invite herself along on my honeymoon! And expect me to run around taking care of her the whole time while she shops and drinks margaritas. NOT going to happen.
I'm back to working on my garage hideaway now that the weather is warming up.

[jo929]

i would like to commend all of you for taking care of a parent. It is not easy, i know as i have had my share,I have worked with people for 40 years and had to quit job for health issues I enjoyed ny work but i came home every night and it was not 24/7. also my husband is ,and has been invalid for 7 years .he dioes not walk, not even to the B.R i am not as young, as i used yo be, and i know that it can be hard on one. my mom passed  away 9 years ago, and my oldest daughter, passed away 7 years ago she was the one that could stand to be around the elderly and sick, I have a daughter 48, she lives far away, she has cancer, and i cant drive, so she will not have long i have to learn to accept this, as i did my older daughter, and beleive me it is not easy to think of it, now i have a daughter, she is the middle one  and age, 54, she has never been able to go into a hosp, or stand being around the sick, it is just that she cries and just cant do it,She has said mom i wish i could help, you and she does by running errends taking-her step dad to dr lots of things, we have talked about my health, and i told her, that no way would i let any of my children take care of me ,it is to big a burden, and they have their life to live, and when i get to where i cant take care of myself, for her not to feel bad, as i want to go to a nursing home, i would feel so bad, if she took care of me, i guess i am a funny person, i would rather a stranger do it. so it makes her feel easier, as she has health issues also, so if it gets to be to much for some of you talk to your, mom, or dad, and see if they would not rather go to a nursing home, I stll manage to take care of my husband and i do get so frustrated sometimes because he is a very demanding person so i know what all of you go through, and if you are young, i feel for you I really can not understand a parent being that selfish, because i feel so different about these things. I might not want to go, but if i cant take care of myself. it makes no difference to me where i am.I do wish all of you luck, and dont beat yourrself to death for feeling the way you do, it is normal/ I think that most of the problem with a permenent care giver is you have no time to go out ,and you get so depressed,so if any of you have health issues talk to the parent, maybe they would rather go to a nursing home    luck to all   jo  P.S.    A typist,I am not

[itsjustme621]

What a horrible existance.. I know because this sounds just like my life.

The stress and guilt if you simply walk away. Yeah right.

My mother has been sick and dying since I was 4 - I'm 49 now & she is mostly incapacitated but still hanging on at age 87.

She has been on some form of public assistance for as long as I can remember, lived with my older brother for 20 years prior to moving into 1 of my rental homes. (he was selling his house & she wouldn't let the realtors in so I had to make her the offer).

My husband got a great job out of state, 1500 miles away & we sold 1 of the homes to make the move... that's when she moved into our home in this state. I travel across country 4 to 6 times a year responding to some form of tragedy & end up staying for months. I have no life of my own & am treated like dirt by this woman... yes, my Mother.

She has always been negative, nasty & abusive but the guilt of what to do with her won't go away. My brother won't help now that he's "rid of her". I'm the one who is stuck. I want to be with my husband, I want to have a life but she refuses to go to a nursing home as recommended by her doctor.

She is completely incontinent & uses a walker to get around but spends most of her days in bed. The Dr. prescribed anitdepressants and she has been taking them for YEARS! She is still the most negative, nasty, insulting perswon I have ever met.

We are in a very small town with literally no resources avaialble for 85 miles. Most days I just want to walk away & never come back.

This has done nothing but take it's toll on me & my health but I have nowhere to turn.

No, there is no church group. No there are no senior facilities. No there are no other caregivers and no other family that will have anything to do with her & her mean self.

She has 9 brothers & sisters 6 arer still living & none of them will talk to her - she has burnt every bridge in her life & made everyone mad that she has met.

She has no money, no assets - and I cannot afford to continue to support her. But what do I do? Who do I tell?

As you can tell I'm at my wits end & it appears there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

[jo929]

i also live in a small town in country, but so did my mom.and the dr called in a healthcare. there are many around, even in small towns your dr can give you a list he calls and they come out everyday, and bathe her fix her lunch. also will supply her with what ever she needs, i know the guilt complex, i have been there, but you may have no choice,can she not get in a nursing home near you and maybe, she might even like being around others,also you have your life/ also all health care facilities can have meals sent in, if she stays home. I do wish you lots of luck, but sometimes we have to do what is best for mom, and if the dr says it is best then try not to go with the guilt trip   luck  jo

[Reirei]

First of all, know that I am an Occupational Therapist who works in home health and deal with this problem EVERY single day.  At the same time, I was a caregiver for my father for 6 years and now my mother for the past 12 years.  I have MUCH empathy and personal/professional experience that I could write non-stop for 24 hours per day 7 days a week and 365 days a year, but I won't bore you.  I'll keep this post short and highlight some pointers.

Often times, people get caught up by trying to be good doers and quickly get in over their head.  The people we take care of have rights, but so do caregivers.  It usually comes down to power and control issues.  
Know:
1) You must set clear boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.  Once set, there are no room for give and take.
2) It's important to ask for help instead of trying to do everything yourself.  If other family members are involved and not pulling their share, then you must be specific in asking for help AND delegating specific tasks.
3) If your spouse is involved everyone helping MUST be on the same page for the benefit of your relationship.  So, the two of you NEED to talk and agree on the situation at hand.
NOTE:  Don't forget to make a date with your spouse to keep your relationship healthy, even if it's a date for a cup of tea and the ONLY goal is to focus on one another.  Also important for this to be non sexual or the main caregiver will feel this is ONE more thing they must do. I promise the intimacy will benefit if you do this.
4) It's OK to say NO to unreasonable behavior and NOT feel guilty over setting limits especially if the person can't set it for theirself.
5) Pick your battles carefully.  Choose over standing for the important things and let the non important things go for another day.  Usually, it's the no-important things that drive us absolutely nutz.
6) Start slowly in making changes to benefit YOU.  Rome wasn't conquered in a day.  Start with one task at a time and the next day do a little more.
7)  It's OK to ask for outside help with specific tasks, but this means you must let go and let someone else do the task..
8) There is a book called the 36 hour day written specifically for caregivers.  It's a must have to read.
9)  Most states have a respite care program.  Check with county/state/local aging centers for information.
10) If the situation is so out of hand and you truly have had it, then talk to the doctor and put it in his/her hands.  If the doctor says this must be done, then it's out of your hands and it MUST be done.  Let the person be mad at the doctor and talk to them.  Know health care professionals deal with this ALL the time.  It really helps if we know that the caregiver wants intervention.  It's even more important that the recommendations be followed up if you seek our help.
11) Learn how to unarm a power struggle before it becomes an issue.  There is much literature on the net and local library.

I'll take my own advice and start slow with my suggestions.  Try these 11 things first, let me know how it goes.  I'll check back often now that I've found this site.

Good luck,
Reirei

[itsjustme621]

I love the thought of "don't feel guilty" - but how do you do that?

[jo929]

I love that thought of '(  dont feel guilty ): But rmember i said try and not go on the guilt trip, as i have been on one since my mom and daugher Passed away, .i wanted to be there for both, but could not,  i do hope things are better for you   luck  jo

[Isabel81]

I like how honest you seem to be and how much you care about your wife.  Your MIL sounds like my mom kind of, or how she used to be.  She's bipolar and is currently being taken care of by her parents, who are in their 80s and not doing very well.  She has always been depressing to be around, but she kind of went off the deep end a few years ago and started, for lack of a better word, destroying everyone and everything around her.  I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with her when she becomes my responsibility, but I cannot live with her.  Ever.  She drives me crazy, in a literal sort of way.  Nothing wrong with knowing your boundaries, I guess.  My heart goes out to you and your wife.  Please know that nothing lasts forever, no matter how awful.  And no matter how hard a time she is having or how her mother might make her feel about her or about herself and regardless of what happens later, the fact that your wife has made it this long shows how strong and good she is.  I hope she knows that.  I don't really have anything helpful to say, just that I hope you both know how good you are.  Sometimes it helps to know that.