Old fashioned or not?

So here is a good question...one I am still trying to figure out! In your household where there is a man and a woman...do you as women do the "domestic" duties more than your male counterpart? Do you cook, clean, take care of the kids more? How about laundry? Yard work? Take garbage out?

I know in my household, I sometimes become resentful, because we are both working full time, but I still do a majority of the: Dishes, ALL of the laundry, basic housework. I come home from work some days and the house is a mess. Ben, my partner, says he couldn't get anything done because he was taking care of the baby (on his day off). I, on the other hand, manage to nurse the baby, get my school work done (we are both in school), make dinner, do three loads of laundry and fold (his included), help kids with their homework and pay some bills. Is it just that he isn't as capable of multi tasking, or?? I refuse to be a nag...HATE it when women nag. Been there, done that with my ex. It doesn't work.

Now, don't get me wrong. Ben is a wonderful Father, he is so good to my girls who aren't even his. He does help cook about 50/50 and will come home from a day at work and take the baby from me and tell me he will take care of him to give me a break. So, no complaints there...but I will say that there are days when I feel very resentful and unappreciated. VERY unappreciated...almost like this is expected of me. I know half the stuff I do around here doesn't even get noticed.

One other thing...yard work. I KNOW this isn't the norm, so I'm just venting on this one. I have to practically BEG him to get it done. I had to go get gas for the lawn mower, fertilizer for the yard and for sometimes WEEKS I have to tell him the yard is getting long, can he please find time to mow. Now, short of just going and doing it myself...which I have VOWED I will just do next summer once baby is older, how do I get him to just do it? I know if I start doing it myself, it will just be another huge chore added to my list.

SO, so sum this up, I do all of the grocery shopping, I pay all of our bills and manage our finances, I do all of our laundry, including his, which is ten times more than mine ever has been. I take care of appointments, beg him to do yard work and pick up after himself. The thing is, he is NOT lazy...I know it may sound like he is, but he ALWAYS has a project going on. Whether it's organizing our garage (AGAIN!), putting some device in one of our cars, putting shelving up for yet more organization or some other piddly diddly hobby that is less important than bills, yardwork or laundry.

Can anybody else relate? How do you deal with this? I love this man so much...just frustrated with the "chores" and household responsibilities.

[AndiJ78]

We have a fairly "traditional" household with some modern twists. I stay at home with our boys while my dh works outside the home. I am also a full time student (long story) nursing a baby, and taking care of two other kids. I do a majority of the "womens' work, cooking, cleaning, etc. He usually does the garbage, always does the lawn, takes bath duty for the kids, also does the bed time thing for our 3 and 5 year olds.

I do everything related to finances, appts, shopping, school stuff, etc. But he is no opposed to stepping up. If I am tired of doing all the housework, laundry or cooking, he happily steps up. Most of my thing is control issues, I like things done a certain way and feel I have a more effective way of doing things with regards to the house so I take on those chores.

But in a house where both work outside the home it is very common for the wife to still get stuck with all the domestic stuff, which to me is wrong. I consider housework part of my job, though not all of it. I am not a slave after all. But I do think it makes sense that being at home with the kids and helping to create some colossal messes during craft time does mean I should clean it up ; )

[Mandy0079]

I can relate, my ex-husband and I had the same exact issue.  The only thing with him is he had the nerve to say that it was my responsibility to do all the work around the house (including whatever the kids needed - i.e. baths) because that is what the woman does.  He did the oil changes and the lawn.  Period.  I held a full time job as well.  Needless to say we didn't work out (not just because of this but other very serious issues as well) but when we went to marriage counseling the counselor had us write down all the "home duties" we did and boy she wasn't ready to see the difference in the lists.  She put one list in one hand and the other in her other hand and pretended it was a scale.  She asked "Do you see what the problem is here?"

I'll tell you a funny story...  I was at work and he was laid off at the time.  He called me to let me know that he fell asleep in the back yard and got a sun burn.  In the next breath he started on me on why the dishes were not done?  I was beside myself and that conversation did end up very good.  Still came home to sink full of dishes....

I am certainly not insinuating divorce...how well does your hubby do with talking it out and coming up with an agreed upon list of who does what?  Communication and action are really important in a marriage when these things are going on... The reason I added action is because of the whole saying and doing it are two different things.

[jenstam]

Oh, trust me...I bring it up. And you know...a lot of it isn't even about him DOING it...it's noticing what I do and appreciating me for that. He can come home to dinner, his laundry done, clean house and not even notice. I just don't feel he appreciates it. He really is such a good Father and treats me with such respect, but those are areas that I become resentful. He will find every excuse under the sun NOT to do the yardwork or stuff around the house, but will be working all day long on some piddly thing in the garage. Those things are not priorities as far as I'm concerned. Not only that, but should I really have to TELL him that the yard needs to be mowed or fertilized? Should I really have to tell him that we are out of salt for the water softener or that the filters need to be changed and cleaned? NO. That's the problem. I find it hard to discuss because I end up getting upset and then I feel like I'm being a nag. Or, we become so busy that there just simply isn't enough time to take care of things, let alone trying to find time to discuss this stuff!

[laura1977]

I am a stay at home mom, and my husband works about 48 hours a week and he attends college online full time and I attend online college part time.
I do pretty much every thing around the house, except my husband does the outside work and also takes out the trash.  
Now in regards to our girls we shared diaper changing when they were in diapers.  If he was home he did it too.  Last time I checked it takes both a man and a woman to have a child so I think a man should help out with feeding and diapers.
I do the housework and the laundry, and it doesn't bother me because I know he works outside of the home and works hard so I don't have to.  For this I don't mind.
Now I will say my husband doesn't make me feel any less of a person because I do the womanly work and I cook dinner.  That is what I call respect ladies!
I think what we have works for US, and that doesn't mean that every female should stay home with their kids, but what I don't agree with is women who do stay at home and still expect their husbands to do all the house work too.  That is just wrong!  
Now I am not talking about when your kids are babies, because my dh helped out more with house hold work when we had new born babies that I was taking care of.

[AndiJ78]

My husband is the first to correct someone who condemns SAHM's and he, too, does diaper duty when he is home. As far as feeding, I nurse so that is all me. but he gets up with the older boys on the weekend so I can have some extra time with CJ.

I agree, it is a whole different ballgame if you are being treated poorly with regards to your job. I don't think you should have to beg or plead to get your husband to be a partner in all things. I will ask my husband or make a joke (I know, you are all stunned my sarcasm infects my regular life) about something he needs to do. But we are partners. I can nag, but it normally never comes to that.

BTW, we joke that since I put it in (by nursing) he gets to clean the after effects. Also, he is in charge of "all things yucky" which includes doggy doo, big hairy spiders (well, we share that, he is a big sissy), and so on.

I wish I had some tips for you Jen. I would suggest a wrok stoppage, but if you are like me, that would bug you well before it bugged him.

[April2]

I'm not trying to mean or anything but sometimes guys can be pretty dense and you have to spell it out what you want from him. Have you tried talking to him about all this and told him how you feel?

I think my husband really realized and appreciated how much I did around the house when I was in the hospital for major surgery a few months ago. I was there for a week and then recouperating for a month or so after that. I was impressed that he really did try to help around the house and with the kids. Of course, things wern't done quite like I would have liked it but the kids were all alive and the house wasn't a total disaster.
I still for the most part do most around the house since I'm a stay at home mom (I do on call as a CNA on weekends). I do all the laundry (really I prefer it that way because he tends to just throw everything in without seperating it even though I've told him a thousand times not to do that! And he doesn't put a fabric softner in the dryer half the time so everything sticks together! I finally told him he can't do laundry anymore!) I do most of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, kids clothes shopping, make and take everyone to appointments, etc. He tends to do the outside yard stuff, the bills and he actually is a big help with my youngest, playing with him, keeping him occupied, etc. We are actually discussing me taking over the bills right now, since I tend to have no idea how much money we have and I don't like that.
Things may change if I go back to work. We're hurting financially so it's an option. We'll have to see how that goes!
I'd sit down and talk to your husband. Ask him if you all can divy up some of the chores more. Tell him that you feel overwhelmed with all that you're doing and could really use more help. But make sure you show him that you do appreciate the things he does. Men respond better (actually I guess we all do!) if you show him appreciation for the things he does do. He's going to be more likely to listen if you point out all his wonderful qualities first. Yeah, I'm talking about buttering him up but not in a fake way, being sincere. It really does work with most guys.

[Mandy0079]

The last part of your post hit home, I didn't even think of that.  My mom did the same with my dad when she was feeling unappreciated few years ago.  My mom started patting him on the back for even the small things. I thought with the habits of their marriage it wouldn't change anything, but there was a method to her madness. It took awhile but he actually started doing more without her saying much because he liked the positive attention...  Men like to be "needed" they just need some direction from time to time.

[laura1977]

That is actually true!!!!!
You know ladies one thing I have figured out if you want your mate to help you.  You must first let yourself be helped.
How many ladies have ever done this...................  Your husband does the dishes but he doesn't do them the way you would, because you would be able to fit them all in at once where as he wasn't able to.  So you tell him to move aside and let you do it?
Be honest!!!!!!
I can say this because I use to be like this when we first got married.  Then I woke up and thought what a dumb *** I am being since he is trying to help out.
Praise your man for doing the little things because ladies men show their love completely different then we do, and if we put him down for stuff, you are putting down his ego.

[ExpectingaRedhead]

My husband is in the military, been to Iraq, brings the money home. I don't work at the moment for various reasons. I do most of the household chores which is understandable because I sit at home all day! But if I was working as well, I think I would expect him to share at least some of the household duties with me. It only seems fair. But in the end, I do the chores for him and for us because I love him.

I don't let him do laundry because he shrinks stuff, mixes colors...does it all wrong! He probably does it on purpose. ;)~  He makes me breakfast when he can, so I clean up the dishes. We have a lot of compromise in our marriage.  :)

[laura1977]

I remember when my husband and I first got married I was also working full time, so he helped with chores.  Get this I called him one night while I was at work and asked him if he could take the clothes out of the dryer and take them upstairs.......................READ THE NEXT PART.............
He did what he was told, he brought the clothes up out of the dryer and put them in the basket in our bedroom.......................  Opps I forgot to mention..............THE WERE WET!!!!
I had forgotten to turn the dryer on that morning.  lol  Still makes me laugh.

[April2]

Thanks ladies for the laugh! So it isn't just my husband who messes up the laundry! Do you think it's a conspiracy or something?!

You know, it's something I've just been figuring out. It really doesn't take that much to make your man happy. Just a little praise and appreciation once in awhile. They eat it up, and would be more likely to want to do more for you!

Our counselor had recommended two books to my husband and me, "Love and Respect" and "The Five Love Languages". I can't remember who wrote these off hand but they did help a lot with us to learn to communicate better. If anybody's interested.

[laura1977]

hey April2 thats the book I always tell everyone to read.  haha  I love the Five Love Languages.  I usually give it for wedding presents.  The best book for couples!!!!!

[Me2mommy2b]

Are you sure we don't share husbands?  LOL...kidding.  My DH is great with DD, helps me out a lot but I HAVE TO ASK!  If something's on the floor, he'll walk past it until he trips on it and starts complaining why it's still there (damn, you saw it, pick it up!)  I also have to ask him a 100 times to do something before it actually gets done.  I can't complain, he's very hefpful and understanding but I know where you mean.

[laura1977]

I gotta say the only thing that my husband DOESN'T do that gets on my last nerve is he won't put a new roll of toilet paper on the holder.  He will get it out, but then he sits it on the counter in the bathroom.  My goodness it takes what 3 seconds to do.

[April2]

Ha, ha! My husband does the same thing! Are they like cloned or something?!

[laura1977]

you know that is what I think is so funny.  Guys are pretty much all the same.  For the most part.  

[peekawho]

The TP thing must be genetic somehow.  

I actually like to cook, and don't mind doing so at all.  On nights that I don't feel like cooking, we either eat out or order in.  

I don't want him doing housework, b/c he effs it all up anyway.  The last time he did laundry "as a favor" to me b/c I was tired after working a long stretch, we wound up with all pink underwear, and my clothes were shrunk to a size that would fit a toddler.  

[Mandy0079]

I hear ya peek... I don't let my hubby do the laundry either....  

Good thing about him, and he will tell you this, he came trained. LOL!  He was married prior to me...  He is really good about picking up where I leave off around the house... In fact since I have been hanging out on the computer/ painting (new hobby) all weekend he cooked dinner both nights.  This man can prepare some yummy food!  I love it when he cooks...     Or is it- the food just tastes better because I didn't have to cook it???

[jenstam]

I don't want him doing laundry, or most of the housework (except can't he wash a pan he cooks with??)...I guess all I want is for him to DO yard work, change filters, salt in water softener without me having to ask. He does tell me all I have to do is ask...but should I have to? I also pay all bills and make all appts. Should I really have to tell him to do yardwork? I want to ask him if this is the kind of man he really wants to be. Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn't complain, either. He took in a woman with four girls and is a wonderful family man. He is the most honest, sincere, caring man I have ever known. He's so good with the girls. He's a gentleman; opens doors, lifts the heavy stuff. So maybe I should let that stuff go. Well, too late. I hounded him about it yesterday. And last night was the first night that I can remember in a long time that we went to bed without saying "I love you" and giving each other a smooch. I opened up the can of worms, and now I wish I hadn't. He has a heart of gold. Maybe I'm the big b i t c h.

PS-he is the first man that I have ever known that actually DOES put TP on the holder AND puts the seat down! (He has FIVE sisters!)

[laura1977]

You know really the best thing that I learned early on in marriage, is it doesn't matter if he woman does the household chores and the husband goes to work or the other way around.  What matters is you don't feel less of a person by your mate.  I would never do what I do for my husband if he belittled me or told me I was the little woman.  I don't mind cooking and cleaning though because he respects me.  (I also respect him for the fact that he stinks at doing laundry).  lol
My husband and I discussed this before cause I told him I could never go to work and do what he does, because he gets paid really well because his job is dangerous, but he also admits that he would NEVER ever do what I do (stay at home mom).  So we need eachother.  Happy as that.
People have to find their happy zone with regards to who does what around the house, cause it may not be what I do or what peek does, but if it works for you and your mate then it is perfect!

[Mandy0079]

Don't be hard on yourself.  You are probably just like the rest of the women in the world and let things go so far for so long because you are trying to avoid upsetting him that you just blow.  You have a good husband, and I do to, but that doesn't mean they do everything like they should.  

There is nothing wrong with wanting some appreciation and help around the house.  I'm sure he is thinking about this as you are... Now you can look forward to the fun part....making up :)

[have 2 kids]

I do most of the housework and he does most of the yardwork.  At times we help each other.    It used to drive me crazy when he would drop his dirty clothes right by the hamper.  I finally stopped picking it up and only washed what was in the hamper. After the 1st time of not having underwear he learned to put them in the hamper.  Used to have a problem with him leaving up the toilet lid, he felt I should look before sitting down.  When I was 9 months pregnant and went to the bathroom during the night I fell in the toilet and couldn't get myself up.   I was pissed.  He's always put the seat down since then and also taught our son to do so.  He always refills the tp holder.  He will do laundry but I prefer he doesn't.  He would mix socks and dish towels.
GROSS!!!!!!!   I don't do windows - he does.     We both do things for the kids.   He likes to grill alot so I come up with the ideas for dinner and he does alot of the cooking.  I won't ask him to do anything because I shouldn't have to ask.  If he sees a basket of clothes to fold he should just do it.

[jenstam]

Yes-he should just do it, but does he? That's my main complaint. Yard work, seeing things lying around. They should just do it. But mine doesn't. He says, "All you have to do is ask". But, is that really necessary? I don't want to ask, I want him to notice it and do it because he's helping as my partner, not because I'm asking. Simple concept!!

[peekawho]

My first husband was the king of "has to be told to do something".

One year I was so fed up with reminding him to take down the Christmas tree (real tree), that I dragged it over to his recliner and tipped it over into the recliner.  It released a shower of dead needles in the process.  Quite a mess.  

What did he do?  When he came home from work that night, he PUSHED IT OFF THE RECLINER AND SAT DOWN TO WATCH TV.  I didn't say a thing.

The tree laid on the living room floor next to his recliner, completely dead and fully decorated still, until February.  I vacuumed around it, warned the kids not to play around it, the cats enjoyed hiding in it. and I did not say a word until we were going to have people over one weekend.  I broke.  I said to hubby "Don't you think it would be a good idea to get the tree out of the house before they come over"?  He looked at the tree AS THOUGH HE HAD NEVER NOTICED IT, and promptly took it out.  Absolutely true story.

My therapist just used to tell me that some men just can't see what's right in front of their faces, and it is certainly true.  

[jenstam]

Wow...that is amazing. I believe it, too. Do you think men have conversations like this about us women? I doubt it! It's just amazing that most of us women know we have to make our men feel all proud and studly, in order to get them to do things. Geesh...

[ExpectingaRedhead]

You know I read something about this very subject and the article said if you want your husband to do something, don't nag him to do it. Just leave whatever it is you need done and give him the time to figure out it has to be done.

For example, my husband leaves his wet towels everywhere except the bathroom. Now I can either put them there myself or leave them and hopefully he will do it on his own without me having to ask him to "PLEASE HANG YOUR WET TOWELS UP!!!!"

But then again, do guys even notice when things need to be done, like peekawho said? I swear I could leave clothes scattered throughout the house and he wouldn't even notice!!

[peekawho]

I think their conversations go like this:  "My wife is such a b*tch that"...

[jenstam]

You're probably right. Then they probably say something like he needs to kiss her a** for a few days or he's not gonna get you know what!

[April2]

Peekawho, your story reminds me of a show on Everybody Loves Raymond. Do you remember the episode where they had just come back from vacation and left the suitcase on the stairs and didn't unpack it? Then it became a control issue because neither one of wanted to be the first to give in and take care of it, so it sat there, until next time Ray needed to go on a trip and he took a plastic bag with his stuff and when he left he put some cheese in the suitcase to make it smell thinking she'd finally take care of the suitcase because of the smell. They wound up having a fight about it, of course. It was just kinda funny. Sometimes I wonder if some of these things reall are a control issue. Maybe your husband really did see it but like Ray didn't want to be the first person to give in. Who knows?!

Men are funny creatures. I've learned the hard way that they will shut down if they feel attacked. And you may even feel like you're not attacking them but just pointing things out to them. But they will literally shut down where they don't even hear you anymore. They have fragile ego's. They have to have them stroked in order for them to want to do things for us. I'm not kidding! I'm 42 years old and I'm just learning this after going to a counselor and listening to what he had to say. My husband and I were having problems in the communication department. That's why I recommended those two books, "Love and Respect" and "The Five Love Languages". My husband years ago asked me to read "The Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlesinger. I didn't really care for her for one thing and I didn't like the title of the book or that my husband wanted me to read it so I refused. I let it sit on our bookshelf for a couple of years before I finally thought "You know what? It's a small thing he's asking for." So I picked up the book and read it. I didn't necessarily believe everything in the book but when my husband saw me reading it and saw I was willing to do something for him, it really made him happy.
It's just those small things. Our counselor told us to strive to understand before being understood. He kept telling us that over and over and finally I got it. I always wanted to get my point across and tell my husband when he's hurt me, etc. My husband meantime wants to be heard too and he really does shut down when he thinks I'm nagging him or putting him down. Even if I'm not putting him down. Even if it's constructive critisism, he get's really sensitive about feeling under attack, so I have to be real careful how I word things. If I want his attention and I want him to hear me out, then I have to not say stuff like "You always do this" or "You never do that" or "Why can't you do this?" Like I said, men are funny creatures. If you can watch how you talk to them and word things just right so that they don't need to feel defensive, then you are more likely to get what you want. Believe me, I'm still learning!

[mum2beagain]

What a great thread, I have laughed so much, my hubby is just the same, he can be totally oblivious to everything that needs doing. I have another one for you....

He is an absolute pain in the a$$ to get out of bed in a morning, he is always on the last minute for work so NEVER helps me give our two kids thier breakfast. On a weekend he lies in until 11 even though I may ask him to get up 10 times. When he finally makes it down stairs, he eats, reads the paper  for a bit and expects me to have got the kids ready, diaper bags, lunch bags and everything ready for the kids for a day out! Sometimes I have been up 5 or 6 hours running around like an idiot and haven't even eaten myself and yet he expects to be able get up, waltz down stairs and say "Right are we off out then?" and be able to go then and there. MEN!!!

[fungirl1011]

I can totally relate to doing the majority of the work around here.  I do however have to give credit to my two pre-teen sons, as they have started doing some of the work for allowance.  My sons have to make their beds and clean their room everyday before school.  Then they have to do dishes together (one wash and rinse and one dry and put away) and put all the laundry up.  Of course, I am still stuck doing the cooking, dusting, vacuuming, mopping, and cleaning the bathroom (YUCK).  Hubby and I both work 40 hours, but he has been staying an extra 6 hours at work, so I do not feel like he should have to help.  He is very good about helping with our handicapped daughter though.  He never fusses about having to help out with her (she is nine and almost as tall as me now, so it is a huge relief for his help).  He does do laundry sometimes, but he folds the clothes with wrinkles in them, so I opt to do it myself.  When he does take a turn cooking, he always opts to go out and eat :-)
All in all, I can't really complain, as he is a hard worker and a great provider.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

So, they are all the same, just some are worse!!!!!!

As we speak, I am in my office with Nadia (2 months), Joseph (4 years) trying frantically to get a christmas commercial cast, and where is my dh?  Out for lunch with one of his slacker friends......

[AndiJ78]

anxious, you have a cool job. Just been dying to say that for a long time.

I refuse to rip a page out of "How to Be a Good Housewife' from the 1950's. I am not a servant and my job is not to cater to my husband, ego or otherwise. I show appreciation for his hard work and when he does something without being asked, but I will most certainly ask him to do something without blowing sunshine up his bottom. We are in this together.

Sorry, I just hate the image of women groveling at their husband's feet to get him to take out the trash. It also conjures up images of the battered housewife apologizing because she burned dinner.

[jenstam]

Andi, that is my thought exactly. Why do we have to work so hard to get our men to be an equal partner. I struggle so much with this! Part of me (and my grandma, mother and most of my friends give me this advice) just says let it go...just stroke his ego and tell him what a man he is to get him to do what I want around the house to help out. But isn't that just a form of manipulation?? I sent an email to him telling him that I would like to talk with him when he gets home about some things that I needed him to help with. Yard work, changing salt in the water softener and changing filters (he has bad allergies). That night, he came home and we didn't talk about it. Last night, we didn't talk about it. So, now I have to be the nag and bring it up again. That is, after I tell him what a great man he is so that he doesn't feel his ego is being crushed.

Keep in mind...we both work 40 hours per week and both go to school part time. I do the majority...and have to ask for most of the rest. Also, keep in mind the man is not lazy. He never sits. He piddles around in the garage, puts gadgets in our cars, fixes things and such. Just does NOT do yard work, and the things that NEED to be done. I had to send a reminder to take out the garbage this morning on our phone. Guess what? I got home and it wasn't done!!!

[April2]

Maybe all our men have ADD, lol!

[summerlion1123]

Well, first off I should say that my husband does help out. He helps take care of our son, though most of the time I feel like I shouldn't be leaving them alone together. My husbands idea of taking care of the baby is feeding him, clothing him, changing his diaper... and then forgetting he exists cuz he's too caught up in playing on the computer. Now, don't get me wrong when I say baby I mean a 2 year old who is happy playing with his trucks alone, but sometimes he wants attention. Or maybe baby gets hurt and cries, or whatever. Husband doesn't even hear it cuz he's on the computer. Anyways, he does do a lot of the work around the house. He likes to be creative with food and I hate cooking, so he is the cook. He also takes the trash out and he does the laundry because we don't have our own washer and drier so we have to carry our stuff downstairs. Neither of us are very good at cleaning. I appreciate all of these things he does, and  he probably does more then I do, but my complaint is the same. Why do I have to nag him to do these things? I hate women who nag as well, but yet it seems he forces me into it. The trash is full so whenever I try to throw things away it just falls out. I nag at him to take care of his pet cuz he doesn't feed it or clean its cage. I nag at him to rinse out the pans after cooking so that cleaning the kitchen isn't so hard for me later. I nag at him to wash more then a couple of his pants once a week. Does anyone think this sounds like I am taking care of a six year old? Cuz sometimes I feel like I am.

Reading everyones posts makes it sound like all men are A$$es and sometimes I wonder... is all the trouble really worth it? Why can women get themselves to do everything (most women, I am not so good at getting myself to do everything... but that is a whole nother story of issues, mostly my mental ones) and they all have to nag their husbands to do it? The conversations between mom's and their children and wives and their husbands seems very similar, doesn't it?